Tuesday, January 30, 2007
I learned a valuable lesson yesterday. Apparently, if a person can not spell and is creative with English grammar rules that person is forbidden to proclaim their superiority. Even if that person never specifies where his/her superiority lies. It would be one thing if I shouted to the world, "I'm the world's best speller." I could see people getting peeved. Actually, I can't. Wouldn't that just be funny? Funnier if I was earnest in my statement.
Whatever, let's talk about fat people. I think it's unfair that if a person gains 100s of pounds and then loses those pounds that they get all this praise. What about those of us who never gained the weight in the first place? Where are our accolades? Where's our reality show "The Best Maintainer?" And what about those bulimics and anorexics? They lose weight they actually need. That's even harder than losing excess weight. That's risk taking behavior. Obese people are playing it safe, losing weight, extending their lives, while the already skinny who have dedicate themselves to weight loss are going out on a limb. The more weight they lose the more likely they'll die young. They're like the cliff divers of dieting.
I think the only people who should get constant praise for fixing their life's mistake are murders and armed robbers. I want them to feel good about not killing anymore. I think everyday that a former murderer does not kill someone they should get a piece of chocolate. I don't think the formerly obese people should be given the chocolate for keeping the weight off. That's for sure.
Monday, January 29, 2007
As a person who uses self-deprecating humor constantly I want to expose our true motivation for such tactics. I make fun of myself because I feel superior to you. I'm so sure in my superiority that I know you sense it too, and I don't want you to feel bad about yourself. Though, I'm superior I'm still sensitive to your feelings. I'm even superior in that way. I actually care about other human beings. Do you? Doubtful. Because I care about your comfort I knock myself down a few pegs so that you don't feel intimidated. If you were my equal I could make fun of you. But your not so I can't. If I did that'd be plain cruel. That'd be like a normal person picking on a mentally challenged person. When we witness someone, who has full brain development, pick on a person who is mentally challenged we think the "normal" person is an asshole. Conversely, when we watch Saturday Night Live make fun of Bill Clinton we laugh. We don't think, "Oh poor Bill. His feelings must be so hurt. That's just too mean." Of course we don't. He's the President of the United States I hope he can take a few jabs from a mediocre sketch comedy show.
If you, the ordinary citizen, were in the presence of Clinton you're ego would feel the size of pea. You'd be uncomfortable. You might be at loss for words. Your awed silence is fine for a self-involved callous politician, but I don't want your vote I want to talk to you. I want to have a free flowing, somewhat stimulating (as best as you can muster) conversation. Your bewildered wonderment at my greatness does me no good. And that's why I and others like me make fun of ourselves. Making fun of you is the equivalent to punching a five-year-old in the face.
Here's a ratio you can use to gage how much respect someone has for you. The more a person makes fun of themselves in your presence the more they think you're inferior to them. However, the more they make fun of themselves the more they want you to feel at ease. And for that you should be grateful.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
So I gave this guy a ride home in my car. When I dropped him off he asked me if I wanted to come up and help him clean his bathroom. So was that code for come upstairs and have sex? Or did he just want me to help him clean his bathroom. So I'm on me knees in his apartment... scrubbing his tub and I'm like, "This is not what I signed up for!" I felt kind of bad. But then I looked around his apartment and saw a thick layer of dust covering the place. I realized he didn't bring many women back to his place and I felt kind of special. Maybe he does bring alot of women back to his place, but none of them are any good...at cleaning.
***Again I ask no one read more into this than it's a joke***
Friday, January 26, 2007
Note: that just because what I want and like isn't available doesn't mean that I won't order something else. I can have the nachos or the wings. Though, I'll admit if I see nothing I like on the menu I'll go hungry and not order anything.
This has two negative effects. One, from time to time I abuse other people who seem to care about me and then expect them to also forgive. The good, loving ones do. Two, people abuse me and disappoint me again and again and again. And what do I do? Forgive them so they can just do it again and I can cry on the floor of my bathroom at two in the morning? Why? Because that's what I learned from my parents. Those bastards.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
This video is a pretty cool video of a song I've been digging on for the past week. It's funny to me how much I enjoy the tune without at all being able to relate to the lyric. I've dated Jack for 8 years and we have yet to break up. Before Jack I never dated anyone long enough for their absence to affect the way I live. Anyway if you like low-fi check out the mountain goats.
Hey, you'll want to meet my boyfriend Jack? Well, you best come to the show tonight because he's going to be there. Why? Because he loves me and supports me and my artistic endeavors. Duh. Plus, the show is named after my love for him. So he'd be a real dick if he didn't plan on coming out. That's like not ordering the sandwhich named after you at some broadway diner. I dream of a day when there's a sandwhich called Rachael's boyfriend Jack. I think it'll be an egglplant parm. sandwhich, or better yet an ice cream sandwhich with chocolate chip cookies enveloping the ice cream. Yeah. When they name a sandwhich after my boyfriend he'll be too famous and possibly pompous for you to meet. Then you'll be kicking yourself. "I should have gone to the 'I Love Jack' show." If I were you I wouldn't want to kick myself because I have 3rd degree black belt in karate and I'd kick my own ass. My figurative ass I don't have the stretch to kick my literal ass.
What would you rather do sit at home watching crappy tv or come out to the East Village, take in a variety show, and have the chance to chat with the best boyfriend ever?
Maybe you're not a fan of my boyfriend Jack. Well we have so much more. This installment of the best live 194os style radio show with completely contemporary material has Mike Chmiel as the announcer (he has a graduate degree and he's been seen at UCB the PIT, New York Comedy Club. He also got free tickets to see professional lacrosse at Madison Square Garden. He took me and two other guys who had no interest in having sex with me. Which is fine because I have great fantastic boyfriend. Mike got the tickets from a lady who patronized his cab. That's right he drives a cab. That's what he does with his multiple degrees.) If you could careless about Mike we have the downtown, sensation musical-act The Manson Family Singers. Plus, Emerson Alum and designer of the above flyers Jesse Post spinning the best soul, lounge and hip hop music around. And that's not all. We have James Caye Henderson who will tap dance right into your heart with his tap dancing. James Caye unplugs computers with me sometimes. Also on the show is recently divorced stand-up comedian Chris Laker. His jokes about this personal tragedy are actually hysterical. All for the bargain basement price of $2. How could you not go? I'm sure you have execuses like, "I live in San Fransico." Well, you should have booked your flight a month ago. Now get online and purchase your Jet Blue ticket before I punch you. If you need a place to stay you can sleep on the pull-out in my apartment. Now what's your execuse?
Julep Bar 9 Avenue A (downstairs)
Be there or be a dick.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
If you are completely and utterly single then a little fake drama or a little mystery to some guy's intentions is fun way to have a fake relationship. If a lady admits to the possible truth that a guy is "Just not that into her" then what? She has to sit and talk about politics or global warming. I think the authors of the above mentioned book over-estimate that heartbreak that goes along with talking about boys.
Let's put it this way. There is a possiblity that the boy I had a crush for the majority of my public school life might attend "I Love Jack" this Thursday (Jan. 25th) at 8pm Downstairs at Julep Bar (9 Ave A). I haven't seen him since high school, but it turns out we have a friend in common. Now, if he shows up to the show does that mean he might be a in love with me? Despite him having a girlfriend of five years? No. But that's no fun. It's much more fun to talk about how in love with me he is. And how he's going to leave his girlfriend for me and try to steal me away from Jack. And if none of that comes to fruition will I be heartbroken and sullen? No. However, I will have had fun speculating on how in love someone is with me.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Hey ya'll. The "I Love Jack" Show returns next week, Thursday January 25th, 2007. This time the best fake 1940s radio show with modern comedy takes place in Manhattan. No JMZ train this time around, unless of course you want to take the J or the M or the Z to Essex street and walk North 4 or 5 blocks until you reach Julep Bar located at 9 Avenue A.
It's going to be an awesome time. We're bringing back everyone's favorite game "Shiv or Shovel" where you the audience decide if a member of my social periphery gets shivved in the gut or a shovel to the head. Plus, great guests like James Caye Sutherland who's going to tap dance for us. Comedy by the director of my forth coming music video Clara Bijl. Not to mench our resident DJ Cousin Jesse spinning the best of Soul, Hip Hop, Lounge and R&B. He also designed the snazzy new flyers.
***Note on the flyers. I wanted the tag line to be 1940s Radio + 21st Century Comedy = 4040s Killer Variety Show. Jesse said no one would get it. I think it's hysterical but don't let that stop you from coming.
What: I Love Jack--Comedy Variety Show
Where: Downstairs at Julep Bar (9 Avenue A)
Date: Jan 25, 2007 Thursday
Hosted by the author of this blog. With Joe Randazzo (writer for the Onion), and Mike Chmiel (UCB Theatre).
Definitely a show you can bring your internet date to.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Writing of the bathroom. Ladies do you ever walk into a public restroom to find the toilet seat up and then choose to leave it up because you're only going to do the "Squat/Hover Manuever" anyway. With the seat up you're less likely to leave evidence of urine on the seat. But then you don't want the random strangers who are outside waiting for you to think you peed with the seat up like you're some transvestite so after you're done peeing you lower the seat back down with your foot?
No me either. I just thought that someone could do that.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
According to Greg, the author, women should never ever ask the person they like out on a first date. According to Greg taking such action will doom the relationship before it even begins. I guess women are supposed to just wait around and hope that the person they like finds the nerve to ask them out or that he even likes her. What happens if a woman doesn't make the first move when she is sure she's into someone? Does she just wait around? I think that's a poor strategy. If she waits around hoping the boy she likes asks her out she's going to turn down all these other suitors because they aren't her first choice. However, her first romantic choice might not be into her, but she doesn't know that because she's being coy. If she initiates action she'll know if her feelings are reciprocated. If they are not she can move on and start accepting dates from the other gentleman callers if she wants to waster her time that way.
Also, what are lesbians supposed to do? If women initiated relationships never work out why do lesbians even bother? Do lesbians go to girl bars and just all stare at each other hoping some man shows up and fixes them all up with each other? That's got to be awkward. "Thank you kind sir for fixing me and Helena up. I'm sorry we couldn't reciprocate the favor by joining you in a threesome. Good luck and God speed."
And what about gay men? Do they just constantly get rejected? Is it a life of constantly asking men out who don't want to be asked out because men don't like someone else being socially agressive? "Hey, guy, you're hot maybe we should go out sometime."
"Mmmm. I don't know, dude. I did think you were cute earlier but now that you asked me out... I'm really turned off."
I don't know. I just think that if a girl likes taking charge she should find herself a man who likes a decision making woman. And if a girl is shy and doesn't like putting herself out there she needs a man who finds that adorable. Of course most of us fall somewhere in between. Situations and people constantly vary and you act accordingly. You know? If it's third down and 20 yards to go you don't run the ball. Unless your running back is LaDainian Tomlinson and you're playing the Indianopolis Colts during the regular season. And that's the point there are no hard and fast rules even in football never mind interpersonal communication.
You have instincts and don't let some frosted haired C list celebrity tell you those instincts are wrong.
Monday, January 15, 2007
You'll hear the rattling of dishes and wonder how could they rattle there is no one home but you, and you are in your bedroom nowhere near your dishes, so it can't be you. There must be someone in the apartment. Obviously. Any sane person would then do two things. They would grab their 5ft broom handle they keep next to their bed and position themselves off to the side of their bedroom door stick in hand ready to attack the intruder. Secondly they would enter the numbers 9 1 1 into their cellular device. What they wouldn't do is hastily hit send. No. There is the outside possiblity that it was a mouse or more likely a poltergeist. The police don't like it when people dial 911 for a mouse or aparition. Cops get very huffy. You know how PMSy cops get. Instead the sane people standing silently with a large stick in one hand a their cell phone in their other hand prepare the phone for the 911 call once more evidence of an intruder is revealed. Then our heroes can quickly hit send calling the police while they battle evil-doers. However, if that cell phone is 650 treo every 60 seconds you have to hit the red button to turn the screen back on then hit the center button to unlock the keypad functions and then re-enter 911. How is a person supposed to focus and keep vigil if she has to constantly prepare her phone to call the police? Further, what if the serial killer in her house barges in her room while she's fiddling with her phone? She'd be caught completely off guard unable to fustigate the murderer plus she wouldn't be able to call 911.
Dear readers. Take my advice and get yourselves a flip phone that stays completely on for at least an hour. By that time you would realize if there was someone in your apartment they probably would have made theire move by now, and you can go back to bed.
If you insist on having a Treo may I suggest you convince friends to stay over until your roommates return from visiting family. This way when the dishes rattle you can just pretend it was your house guests.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
I get it, Hollywood, underprivileged children hate school and that's why they're poverty strinken and can't get a leg up. Schools, especially city schools, are over crowded and full of burcreacy. If only teachers cared like Hillary Swank's character seems to care in the trailer, there'd be no more poverty. No more gangs. No more drug dealing. Nope. What Hollywood fails to realize is that all children hate school--rich or poor, black or white. Studenst hardly ever learn anything from attending. Have you seen Jay Leno's bit "Jay Walking" where he asks random people basic questions. These poor kids in these movies are not going to get anywhere now that some bright eyed idealist stepped into their class room. The children of the rich and upper middle class fair better economically when they reach adulthood not because they receive a better education but because they're parents have a wealth of business and social contacts. The best example would be our current President.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
Some of you may go to the gym daily and that's great. Good for you. Unfortunately the gym won't cure your carple tunnel syndrome and it won't fix your eye sight. And the thing is most people don't go to the gym and don't exercise. In the intereset of health and cutting medical costs should we treat New Yorkers like public school children and force them to take gym everyday? If you don't go you'll be fined. If you continue to not go you will be jailed.
Maybe they'll make it illegal to be fat and make it illegal to be anorexic. You know when you don't eat it also puts strain on the heart. I can't wait until they make it illegal to love the wrong person.
Perhaps NYC will see a rersurgence of the 1920s. Instead of bath tub gin we'll have bath tub fast food burgers and cookie dough mix.
After thought. I'd like to see the following things outlawed with the transfats.
1. Watching more than 1 hour of tv a day.
2. Playing video games.
3. Surfing the Net
4. using the elevator.
5. Driving to a destination less than five miles away.
9. Reading for more than a hour a day unless running on a treadmill.
10. Using the escalator
11. Working in an office
12 Working in a factory
13. Taking a carriage ride.
14. Drinking caffienated beverages
15. Eating candy.
16. Eating ice cream.
18 Heat Stroke
I'm just glad we still have the right to burn coal.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Alright not really. I mean yeah I thought there was an intruder type in the apartment Tuesday. And that led me to standing at my bedroom door with a broom handle for an hour. But that's not why I'm leaving. I'm working. "You work, Rachael?" Yeah. Sometimes. And this is one of those times.
I'll be back in time to watch my beloved Giants loose to the stupid Eagles.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
A couple of months ago I cleaned house and delinked a number of comedians blogs. Many of the blogs I delinked are blogs that are no longer updated or no longer exist. However, there were a couple I deleted for personal reasons. Right before I purged my comedian blog roll I noticed my comedian acquatance Jack Kukoda had added a number of links to his blog. My blog was not among the additions. Hurt, I quickly deleted him. Take that Kukoda. Sure the boy had gotten me a decent paying day job and let me crash a party or two, but this no linkage cut me deep.
I ran into Kukoda at a Christmas party last month and gave him the cold shoulder. He responded by asking, "What's up?" I confessed my irritation about the blog thing. Well, I've discovered that I have now been linked to Kukoda's blog. And so today January 4, 2007 I relink Jack Kukoda's blog. (He is actually funny so it wouldn't be a waste of time to check it out.)
Now, some of you are thinking I have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. Sure, that's one way to look at it, but I rather look at it as petty. That or I'm just really really sensetive and overly in need of acceptance. Either way I made my point. I won.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Mr. Sachs replied, "That's when you know you're writer. When even the little things written on scraps of paper have to be gramatically correct."
No. That makes you an English teacher. At best it makes you an editor and at worst an anal retentive grammarian.
My list topped out at 14. Here are some of the highlights in no particular order but enumerated nonetheless.
1. New Orleans Jazzfest--It's is the best live music event I have ever attended. Who knows if I ever would have gone if not for a special small handed man. The tradition began as a stalking venture, but I continued to go year after year because it's awesome!
2. Tapestry Literary Magazine of Montville Township High School--Did I care about writing short stories and poems in high school? Maybe. But did I care if they were published in my loathsome alma mater's literary magazine? Definitely not. That is until the boy I was in love with became Tapestry's treasurer. If I had known at the start of high school that he would end up going to an Ivy League College I might have studied harder in high school. If nothing else I will die a published author.
3. Sex-- Once I stalked someone I was actually dating. If I had never stalked him I wouldn't have died a virgin. However, I would not have had sex that night.
4. The Boiler Room Portland, OR.-- While living in Portland, OR I found myself smitten with a degenerate alcoholic actor. He frequented a karaoke bar a mile from my place. I spent many a greenback at that bar in the hopes of "running into him." The first big plus was that I sang karaoke all the time. Before that I don't think I had ever indulged. Could you imagine going through and entire life without ever singing karaoke? The horror. I shudder to think of my life completely karaoke free.
I became a regular at this bar. Because of that they used to let me and select few other patrons drink hours past closing. I was also allowed to park my bike inside the establishment instead of having to lock it up outside in the elements. No wonder my bike looks years younger than it actually is. Also I didn't have to carry a heavy lock in my bike-bag. If I never became a regular at a bar who knows what state my back would be in by now. Further bonuses included free drinks, put promotional flyers and posters for shows I was doing, and get bumped to the front of the karaoke line, not to mention all the drama.
Say what you will about stalking, people. In my experience it's been nothing but puppy dogs and rainbows. OK puppy dogs and rainbows didn't actually make the top 14 but you get the metaphor--you get it because I'm a published writer.