Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Trust Me: This is Littered with Errors Read at Your Own Risk

First let me rectify a blog roll oversight. Even though I'm awesome, I do sometimes forget to do things like add people to my links and shit. If you guys dig cool animation check out nina paley.
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I learned a valuable lesson yesterday. Apparently, if a person can not spell and is creative with English grammar rules that person is forbidden to proclaim their superiority. Even if that person never specifies where his/her superiority lies. It would be one thing if I shouted to the world, "I'm the world's best speller." I could see people getting peeved. Actually, I can't. Wouldn't that just be funny? Funnier if I was earnest in my statement.
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Whatever, let's talk about fat people. I think it's unfair that if a person gains 100s of pounds and then loses those pounds that they get all this praise. What about those of us who never gained the weight in the first place? Where are our accolades? Where's our reality show "The Best Maintainer?" And what about those bulimics and anorexics? They lose weight they actually need. That's even harder than losing excess weight. That's risk taking behavior. Obese people are playing it safe, losing weight, extending their lives, while the already skinny who have dedicate themselves to weight loss are going out on a limb. The more weight they lose the more likely they'll die young. They're like the cliff divers of dieting.

I think the only people who should get constant praise for fixing their life's mistake are murders and armed robbers. I want them to feel good about not killing anymore. I think everyday that a former murderer does not kill someone they should get a piece of chocolate. I don't think the formerly obese people should be given the chocolate for keeping the weight off. That's for sure.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Richard Lewis Thinks He's God.

A common belief held by the populace is that individuals who self-deprecate hate themselves, or at least, feel inferior to the people around them. All of you who believe the above to be true please raise your hand. Now, take that hand and smack yourself in the face. Wake-up! You are wrong.

As a person who uses self-deprecating humor constantly I want to expose our true motivation for such tactics. I make fun of myself because I feel superior to you. I'm so sure in my superiority that I know you sense it too, and I don't want you to feel bad about yourself. Though, I'm superior I'm still sensitive to your feelings. I'm even superior in that way. I actually care about other human beings. Do you? Doubtful. Because I care about your comfort I knock myself down a few pegs so that you don't feel intimidated. If you were my equal I could make fun of you. But your not so I can't. If I did that'd be plain cruel. That'd be like a normal person picking on a mentally challenged person. When we witness someone, who has full brain development, pick on a person who is mentally challenged we think the "normal" person is an asshole. Conversely, when we watch Saturday Night Live make fun of Bill Clinton we laugh. We don't think, "Oh poor Bill. His feelings must be so hurt. That's just too mean." Of course we don't. He's the President of the United States I hope he can take a few jabs from a mediocre sketch comedy show.

If you, the ordinary citizen, were in the presence of Clinton you're ego would feel the size of pea. You'd be uncomfortable. You might be at loss for words. Your awed silence is fine for a self-involved callous politician, but I don't want your vote I want to talk to you. I want to have a free flowing, somewhat stimulating (as best as you can muster) conversation. Your bewildered wonderment at my greatness does me no good. And that's why I and others like me make fun of ourselves. Making fun of you is the equivalent to punching a five-year-old in the face.

Here's a ratio you can use to gage how much respect someone has for you. The more a person makes fun of themselves in your presence the more they think you're inferior to them. However, the more they make fun of themselves the more they want you to feel at ease. And for that you should be grateful.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

A Different Spin On Yesterday's Inspiration

JOKE:

So I gave this guy a ride home in my car. When I dropped him off he asked me if I wanted to come up and help him clean his bathroom. So was that code for come upstairs and have sex? Or did he just want me to help him clean his bathroom. So I'm on me knees in his apartment... scrubbing his tub and I'm like, "This is not what I signed up for!" I felt kind of bad. But then I looked around his apartment and saw a thick layer of dust covering the place. I realized he didn't bring many women back to his place and I felt kind of special. Maybe he does bring alot of women back to his place, but none of them are any good...at cleaning.

***Again I ask no one read more into this than it's a joke***

Friday, January 26, 2007

Food Analogy #877

If you go to an eatery with friends and you express that you want creamed spinach, (or some other food item), but the eatery does not serve creamed spinach (or other food item you might want) your friends then won't suggest that you don't actually like creamed spinach just because the creamed spinach isn't available and/or they find that dish repulsive. No one thinks your affinity for the creamed spinach is an illusion.

Note: that just because what I want and like isn't available doesn't mean that I won't order something else. I can have the nachos or the wings. Though, I'll admit if I see nothing I like on the menu I'll go hungry and not order anything.

Blame it on My Parents

My parents were two of the many audience members in attendence of the "I Love Jack" show last night. That's right, people, I finally got humans to show up, watch, and laugh at this show. All I had to do was curse god, and move the location and day of the week. Here's my point. As I saw my parents sit in the back of Guero bar on Avenue A I realized they've ruined me. Why? Because despite the abuse and hostility I frequently hurl their way, they still love and support me. Yeah. they forgive me and come back for more.

This has two negative effects. One, from time to time I abuse other people who seem to care about me and then expect them to also forgive. The good, loving ones do. Two, people abuse me and disappoint me again and again and again. And what do I do? Forgive them so they can just do it again and I can cry on the floor of my bathroom at two in the morning? Why? Because that's what I learned from my parents. Those bastards.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

the mountain goats - woke up new

This video is a pretty cool video of a song I've been digging on for the past week. It's funny to me how much I enjoy the tune without at all being able to relate to the lyric. I've dated Jack for 8 years and we have yet to break up. Before Jack I never dated anyone long enough for their absence to affect the way I live. Anyway if you like low-fi check out the mountain goats.

Show Tonight 8pm


Hey, you'll want to meet my boyfriend Jack? Well, you best come to the show tonight because he's going to be there. Why? Because he loves me and supports me and my artistic endeavors. Duh. Plus, the show is named after my love for him. So he'd be a real dick if he didn't plan on coming out. That's like not ordering the sandwhich named after you at some broadway diner. I dream of a day when there's a sandwhich called Rachael's boyfriend Jack. I think it'll be an egglplant parm. sandwhich, or better yet an ice cream sandwhich with chocolate chip cookies enveloping the ice cream. Yeah. When they name a sandwhich after my boyfriend he'll be too famous and possibly pompous for you to meet. Then you'll be kicking yourself. "I should have gone to the 'I Love Jack' show." If I were you I wouldn't want to kick myself because I have 3rd degree black belt in karate and I'd kick my own ass. My figurative ass I don't have the stretch to kick my literal ass.

What would you rather do sit at home watching crappy tv or come out to the East Village, take in a variety show, and have the chance to chat with the best boyfriend ever?

Maybe you're not a fan of my boyfriend Jack. Well we have so much more. This installment of the best live 194os style radio show with completely contemporary material has Mike Chmiel as the announcer (he has a graduate degree and he's been seen at UCB the PIT, New York Comedy Club. He also got free tickets to see professional lacrosse at Madison Square Garden. He took me and two other guys who had no interest in having sex with me. Which is fine because I have great fantastic boyfriend. Mike got the tickets from a lady who patronized his cab. That's right he drives a cab. That's what he does with his multiple degrees.) If you could careless about Mike we have the downtown, sensation musical-act The Manson Family Singers. Plus, Emerson Alum and designer of the above flyers Jesse Post spinning the best soul, lounge and hip hop music around. And that's not all. We have James Caye Henderson who will tap dance right into your heart with his tap dancing. James Caye unplugs computers with me sometimes. Also on the show is recently divorced stand-up comedian Chris Laker. His jokes about this personal tragedy are actually hysterical. All for the bargain basement price of $2. How could you not go? I'm sure you have execuses like, "I live in San Fransico." Well, you should have booked your flight a month ago. Now get online and purchase your Jet Blue ticket before I punch you. If you need a place to stay you can sleep on the pull-out in my apartment. Now what's your execuse?

8pm
Julep Bar 9 Avenue A (downstairs)
Be there or be a dick.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Attractive Code For Ugly

I worked this computer moving job (it's one of my day jobs) in December. The supervisor on the gig was this very tall, slouchy individual with a long face. The other computer movers and I nicknamed him lurch. Which we called him behind his back. What God didn't give him in looks god made-up for in stupidity. He continually screwed up the job which was great for the extra hours, but not for one's patients or sanity. Well, Lurch thought I was quite the little number. I don't know if it was my oversized grey golf shirt that adorns the company logo. Perhaps the grey really made my eyes sparkle. Or if it was the oversized pants I where on these jobs that had his heart all a flutter. But on thing is for sure I was insulted. When an idiot finds you attractive it is an insult. Because they are too stupid to know what attractive is. If this man finds me attractive then it stands to reason men with intellects do not. I was depressed for days.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

They Come In Threes

The last two days I attended two separate funerals for two family members on the same side of the family. They say this shit comes in threes. Am I next? I know I'm one of the younger members but I live in the most dangerous neighborhood relatively speaking.

I Won't Let it Go

Did it ever occur to the authors of He's Just Not That Into You that we women enjoy trying to decipher the secret intentions of men. We like to make-up execuses for why a man may or may not have called or why a dude commented on our myspace page, and then sit around with our friends and try to find the encoded message of his love in that comment? What would we talk about with our friends at bars.

If you are completely and utterly single then a little fake drama or a little mystery to some guy's intentions is fun way to have a fake relationship. If a lady admits to the possible truth that a guy is "Just not that into her" then what? She has to sit and talk about politics or global warming. I think the authors of the above mentioned book over-estimate that heartbreak that goes along with talking about boys.

Let's put it this way. There is a possiblity that the boy I had a crush for the majority of my public school life might attend "I Love Jack" this Thursday (Jan. 25th) at 8pm Downstairs at Julep Bar (9 Ave A). I haven't seen him since high school, but it turns out we have a friend in common. Now, if he shows up to the show does that mean he might be a in love with me? Despite him having a girlfriend of five years? No. But that's no fun. It's much more fun to talk about how in love with me he is. And how he's going to leave his girlfriend for me and try to steal me away from Jack. And if none of that comes to fruition will I be heartbroken and sullen? No. However, I will have had fun speculating on how in love someone is with me.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Angels

Have you ever gone to a funeral of a relative and thought to yourself, "It's too bad I wasn't closer to Great Aunt Lorraine. If she and I were close she'd be watching out for me from heaven right now, but we weren't. She has kids and grandkids she cares for more so they get her as guardian angel." Then you kind of find yourself wanting someone who you are close to to die. Like your mom would totally watch out for you from heaven. Well, maybe not after this blogpost.

Friday, January 19, 2007

"I Love Jack" Show Returns


Hey ya'll. The "I Love Jack" Show returns next week, Thursday January 25th, 2007. This time the best fake 1940s radio show with modern comedy takes place in Manhattan. No JMZ train this time around, unless of course you want to take the J or the M or the Z to Essex street and walk North 4 or 5 blocks until you reach Julep Bar located at 9 Avenue A.

It's going to be an awesome time. We're bringing back everyone's favorite game "Shiv or Shovel" where you the audience decide if a member of my social periphery gets shivved in the gut or a shovel to the head. Plus, great guests like James Caye Sutherland who's going to tap dance for us. Comedy by the director of my forth coming music video Clara Bijl. Not to mench our resident DJ Cousin Jesse spinning the best of Soul, Hip Hop, Lounge and R&B. He also designed the snazzy new flyers.

***Note on the flyers. I wanted the tag line to be 1940s Radio + 21st Century Comedy = 4040s Killer Variety Show. Jesse said no one would get it. I think it's hysterical but don't let that stop you from coming.

Info:

What: I Love Jack--Comedy Variety Show
Where: Downstairs at Julep Bar (9 Avenue A)
Time: 8pm
Date: Jan 25, 2007 Thursday
Cost: $2

Hosted by the author of this blog. With Joe Randazzo (writer for the Onion), and Mike Chmiel (UCB Theatre).

Definitely a show you can bring your internet date to.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Public Bladder Relief

I am pretty much a loner. And I love it because I hate most people. However, there is one drawback to being a loner--having to go to the bathroom while hanging at the coffee shop. When I have to pee I'm presented with a cundundrum. Do I take all my stuff with me to the bathroom so that my stuff doesn't get stolen risking the loss of my table. Or do I leave my stuff thereby securing my table but risking the theft of some or all of my stuff? If I journeyed to coffee shop with other humans I could leave one of them behind to watch my stuff and the table while I empty my bladder unencumbered.

Writing of the bathroom. Ladies do you ever walk into a public restroom to find the toilet seat up and then choose to leave it up because you're only going to do the "Squat/Hover Manuever" anyway. With the seat up you're less likely to leave evidence of urine on the seat. But then you don't want the random strangers who are outside waiting for you to think you peed with the seat up like you're some transvestite so after you're done peeing you lower the seat back down with your foot?

No me either. I just thought that someone could do that.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Not So Much an Incentive

It is widely known that if you are a muslim and you die in the name of Allah Allah grants you 72 virgins upon your arrival to Heaven. This makes me think the author of the Koran never had sex with a virgin. Now, I was a virgin for a very long time, and I don't think it's any great incentive having sex with 72 women who are like, "ooo. Ouch. Wait a second. Just...just one second...ahh....um... do you love me? I thought there'd be candles...wait...I really like you and I wanted to do this with someone I didn't care anything about because I knew this wouldn't go well the first time. Oh no. Stop crying. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You're great in bed. I mean I think you are. I wouldn't know I have nothing to compare it to. I'm just saying I wanted to have some experience before I slept with someone I liked. Maybe I could sleep with your brother or something he seems like asshole. Where are you going? Hey don't get huffy with me. You're the one who bombed the city bus? This is your reward."

"Everytime I Try to Get Out They Pull Me Back In"

Just when I thought I was done with that book, "He's Just Not That Into You," it finds its way back into my life. My friend, Myka, had been lent the book by her new roommate and she was voraciously reading it. So that book, Myka, and I spent all day Friday together in New Jersey. And now I must rail against what I have read.

According to Greg, the author, women should never ever ask the person they like out on a first date. According to Greg taking such action will doom the relationship before it even begins. I guess women are supposed to just wait around and hope that the person they like finds the nerve to ask them out or that he even likes her. What happens if a woman doesn't make the first move when she is sure she's into someone? Does she just wait around? I think that's a poor strategy. If she waits around hoping the boy she likes asks her out she's going to turn down all these other suitors because they aren't her first choice. However, her first romantic choice might not be into her, but she doesn't know that because she's being coy. If she initiates action she'll know if her feelings are reciprocated. If they are not she can move on and start accepting dates from the other gentleman callers if she wants to waster her time that way.

Also, what are lesbians supposed to do? If women initiated relationships never work out why do lesbians even bother? Do lesbians go to girl bars and just all stare at each other hoping some man shows up and fixes them all up with each other? That's got to be awkward. "Thank you kind sir for fixing me and Helena up. I'm sorry we couldn't reciprocate the favor by joining you in a threesome. Good luck and God speed."

And what about gay men? Do they just constantly get rejected? Is it a life of constantly asking men out who don't want to be asked out because men don't like someone else being socially agressive? "Hey, guy, you're hot maybe we should go out sometime."
"Mmmm. I don't know, dude. I did think you were cute earlier but now that you asked me out... I'm really turned off."

I don't know. I just think that if a girl likes taking charge she should find herself a man who likes a decision making woman. And if a girl is shy and doesn't like putting herself out there she needs a man who finds that adorable. Of course most of us fall somewhere in between. Situations and people constantly vary and you act accordingly. You know? If it's third down and 20 yards to go you don't run the ball. Unless your running back is LaDainian Tomlinson and you're playing the Indianopolis Colts during the regular season. And that's the point there are no hard and fast rules even in football never mind interpersonal communication.

You have instincts and don't let some frosted haired C list celebrity tell you those instincts are wrong.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Product Un-Endorsement

If you are in currently in the market for new "do it all" phone--you know, a phone/mp3 player/camera/pda/salad spinner---may I stear you away from the Treo 650. It has one major flaw. The phone reverts to sleep mode after 60 seconds of non-use. Which means if you enter a phone number and then wait over 60 seconds to press send the phone sleeps and you have to re-enter the phone number. Which means if you've been awoken by the sound of dishes moving in your dish rack at 8:30 am while your roommates are away for the holidays the treo is going to let you down.

You'll hear the rattling of dishes and wonder how could they rattle there is no one home but you, and you are in your bedroom nowhere near your dishes, so it can't be you. There must be someone in the apartment. Obviously. Any sane person would then do two things. They would grab their 5ft broom handle they keep next to their bed and position themselves off to the side of their bedroom door stick in hand ready to attack the intruder. Secondly they would enter the numbers 9 1 1 into their cellular device. What they wouldn't do is hastily hit send. No. There is the outside possiblity that it was a mouse or more likely a poltergeist. The police don't like it when people dial 911 for a mouse or aparition. Cops get very huffy. You know how PMSy cops get. Instead the sane people standing silently with a large stick in one hand a their cell phone in their other hand prepare the phone for the 911 call once more evidence of an intruder is revealed. Then our heroes can quickly hit send calling the police while they battle evil-doers. However, if that cell phone is 650 treo every 60 seconds you have to hit the red button to turn the screen back on then hit the center button to unlock the keypad functions and then re-enter 911. How is a person supposed to focus and keep vigil if she has to constantly prepare her phone to call the police? Further, what if the serial killer in her house barges in her room while she's fiddling with her phone? She'd be caught completely off guard unable to fustigate the murderer plus she wouldn't be able to call 911.

Dear readers. Take my advice and get yourselves a flip phone that stays completely on for at least an hour. By that time you would realize if there was someone in your apartment they probably would have made theire move by now, and you can go back to bed.

If you insist on having a Treo may I suggest you convince friends to stay over until your roommates return from visiting family. This way when the dishes rattle you can just pretend it was your house guests.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Maybe Hollywood is Run by the Teacher's Union

If you're bored this coming weekend maybe you'd like to check out a movie. I saw the coming attraction for Freedom Writers today. From what I could tell it seems like the Stand and Deliver for this generation. A Dangerous Minds for people who prefer brunnettes to blondes. A Lean on Me for those who will forever link Morgan Freeman and Hillary Swank (after Million Dollar Baby.) It's a Take the Lead without the fun dancing.

I get it, Hollywood, underprivileged children hate school and that's why they're poverty strinken and can't get a leg up. Schools, especially city schools, are over crowded and full of burcreacy. If only teachers cared like Hillary Swank's character seems to care in the trailer, there'd be no more poverty. No more gangs. No more drug dealing. Nope. What Hollywood fails to realize is that all children hate school--rich or poor, black or white. Studenst hardly ever learn anything from attending. Have you seen Jay Leno's bit "Jay Walking" where he asks random people basic questions. These poor kids in these movies are not going to get anywhere now that some bright eyed idealist stepped into their class room. The children of the rich and upper middle class fair better economically when they reach adulthood not because they receive a better education but because they're parents have a wealth of business and social contacts. The best example would be our current President.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

The Great Compromise of 2007

As I write this blog post I sit at a desk in an office listening to my ipod where I am supposed to be answering phones. There are important things in this world and I answering phones for an attorney in NJ is not one of them. I'm sure it's important to the attorney, but that's where he and I don't see eye to eye. For me posting in my blog is paramount this Wednesday morning while listening to modern indie pop. One might judge my actions as self-centered and selfish. However, from my perspective I find the attorney to be self-centered and selfish. If he had thought about someone other than himself he might have invested in computer speakers. Computer speakers would have allowed me to listen to streaming internet radio at the same time as I listened for his phone to ring. It's called compromise.

Monday, January 08, 2007

I Think Orwell Had the Wrong Year

Remember when 12 year olds could drink alcohol in the bars of NYC? Now, 2007 arrives and adults will not be able to eat transfats. I yield the point that transfats are probably bad for the human body. So what? If we're going to outlaw things that are bad for us let's start by outlawing office work. Cubicles are killers. Your heart and lungs atrophe as you sit all day sitting on cheap office furniture that has not been designed for your specific body type thereby damaging your back. The flourscent lights sap your body of vitamins. You stare at a computer screen all day until finally you need glasses. And, as your ass spreads and the pounds pile on you your muscles and bones start to breakdown under the stress.

Some of you may go to the gym daily and that's great. Good for you. Unfortunately the gym won't cure your carple tunnel syndrome and it won't fix your eye sight. And the thing is most people don't go to the gym and don't exercise. In the intereset of health and cutting medical costs should we treat New Yorkers like public school children and force them to take gym everyday? If you don't go you'll be fined. If you continue to not go you will be jailed.

Maybe they'll make it illegal to be fat and make it illegal to be anorexic. You know when you don't eat it also puts strain on the heart. I can't wait until they make it illegal to love the wrong person.

Perhaps NYC will see a rersurgence of the 1920s. Instead of bath tub gin we'll have bath tub fast food burgers and cookie dough mix.
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After thought. I'd like to see the following things outlawed with the transfats.

1. Watching more than 1 hour of tv a day.
2. Playing video games.
3. Surfing the Net
4. using the elevator.
5. Driving to a destination less than five miles away.
6. Anorexia
7. Bullemia
8. Obsesity
9. Reading for more than a hour a day unless running on a treadmill.
10. Using the escalator
11. Working in an office
12 Working in a factory
13. Taking a carriage ride.
14. Drinking caffienated beverages
15. Eating candy.
16. Eating ice cream.
17. Hypothermia
18 Heat Stroke




I'm just glad we still have the right to burn coal.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Chicago Bound

I'm leaving for Chicago today. I couldn't handle being in this apartment by myself any longer. The sleepless fearfilled nights are getting to me so I'm leaving town until one of my roommates return.

Alright not really. I mean yeah I thought there was an intruder type in the apartment Tuesday. And that led me to standing at my bedroom door with a broom handle for an hour. But that's not why I'm leaving. I'm working. "You work, Rachael?" Yeah. Sometimes. And this is one of those times.

I'll be back in time to watch my beloved Giants loose to the stupid Eagles.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

The Political World of Blogging

Faithful readers you may have noticed that which comedians I link to varies. A comedian might have been linked but then one day his/her name disappears from the roster. Only to reappear months later. And then of course disappear once again into internet ether.

A couple of months ago I cleaned house and delinked a number of comedians blogs. Many of the blogs I delinked are blogs that are no longer updated or no longer exist. However, there were a couple I deleted for personal reasons. Right before I purged my comedian blog roll I noticed my comedian acquatance Jack Kukoda had added a number of links to his blog. My blog was not among the additions. Hurt, I quickly deleted him. Take that Kukoda. Sure the boy had gotten me a decent paying day job and let me crash a party or two, but this no linkage cut me deep.

I ran into Kukoda at a Christmas party last month and gave him the cold shoulder. He responded by asking, "What's up?" I confessed my irritation about the blog thing. Well, I've discovered that I have now been linked to Kukoda's blog. And so today January 4, 2007 I relink Jack Kukoda's blog. (He is actually funny so it wouldn't be a waste of time to check it out.)

Now, some of you are thinking I have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old. Sure, that's one way to look at it, but I rather look at it as petty. That or I'm just really really sensetive and overly in need of acceptance. Either way I made my point. I won.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Really, Mr. Sachs?

Junior year English class: a classmate named Lindsay, kissing up to our English teacher, says, "It's funny, Mr. Sachs I answered the phone and took a message. I realized I left out the punctuation so I went back and corrected it in."

Mr. Sachs replied, "That's when you know you're writer. When even the little things written on scraps of paper have to be gramatically correct."

No. That makes you an English teacher. At best it makes you an editor and at worst an anal retentive grammarian.

Postive Thinking for 2007

This new years I decided not to look forward. I made no plans for 2007. I made no real resolutions for the next 364 days. Instead, I chose to reflect on my past. I made a list of all the great things I experienced because I chose to stalk boys I had a romantic interest in.

My list topped out at 14. Here are some of the highlights in no particular order but enumerated nonetheless.

1. New Orleans Jazzfest--It's is the best live music event I have ever attended. Who knows if I ever would have gone if not for a special small handed man. The tradition began as a stalking venture, but I continued to go year after year because it's awesome!

2. Tapestry Literary Magazine of Montville Township High School--Did I care about writing short stories and poems in high school? Maybe. But did I care if they were published in my loathsome alma mater's literary magazine? Definitely not. That is until the boy I was in love with became Tapestry's treasurer. If I had known at the start of high school that he would end up going to an Ivy League College I might have studied harder in high school. If nothing else I will die a published author.

3. Sex-- Once I stalked someone I was actually dating. If I had never stalked him I wouldn't have died a virgin. However, I would not have had sex that night.

4. The Boiler Room Portland, OR.-- While living in Portland, OR I found myself smitten with a degenerate alcoholic actor. He frequented a karaoke bar a mile from my place. I spent many a greenback at that bar in the hopes of "running into him." The first big plus was that I sang karaoke all the time. Before that I don't think I had ever indulged. Could you imagine going through and entire life without ever singing karaoke? The horror. I shudder to think of my life completely karaoke free.

I became a regular at this bar. Because of that they used to let me and select few other patrons drink hours past closing. I was also allowed to park my bike inside the establishment instead of having to lock it up outside in the elements. No wonder my bike looks years younger than it actually is. Also I didn't have to carry a heavy lock in my bike-bag. If I never became a regular at a bar who knows what state my back would be in by now. Further bonuses included free drinks, put promotional flyers and posters for shows I was doing, and get bumped to the front of the karaoke line, not to mention all the drama.

Say what you will about stalking, people. In my experience it's been nothing but puppy dogs and rainbows. OK puppy dogs and rainbows didn't actually make the top 14 but you get the metaphor--you get it because I'm a published writer.