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Catch Me Friday 6/1

For those of you in and about the New Jersey area and want to watch some live comedy I’ll be participating in a comedy competition in Bloomfield, NJ this Friday. I don’t really agree with comedy competitions. Art is mostly subjective (so if everyone remembers their act and can be seen and heard it’s hard to objectively say who won.). You don’t see painters competing against each other. Who is better Monet or Munch? “Uh, Rachael one is an Impressionist the other and Expressionist you really can’t have them compete with each other."
"Alright then. How about Rich Little and Monet they're both impressionists?"
"That's a shitty joke and if you said that at a comedy competition I'd place you dead last."
"I thought it was kind of smart because you have to know about the varying meanings of 'impression.'"
"Smart isn't funny. Steven Hawkings isn't known for his wit."
"Oh, shut up, voice in my head."
"I was just agreeing with you that you can't have Monet and Munch compete against each other. It would be like having a sprinter and marathon-runner compete they do different things."
"Actually you can't have them compete because they're not athletes."
"Exactly, why are you doing this show?"

I'm doing the show because I want to tell my jokes on stage in front of an audience. Don’t worry I won’t be trying to win. Instead of doing my tightest most jokiest five minutes I'm going to tell a 7 minute story in my 5 minute set about how I continually refused to give a specific dude a blow job one Spring evening.

I don't think you want to miss that.


12 Miles West Theatre
562 Bloomfield AvenueBloomfield, NJ 07003
8pm

12mileswest.org

Three Day Weekend Spending

Recently, I learned that Memorial Day was started to honor the soldiers who died in the United States of America's Civil War. This means 620,000 American soldiers had to die so we could have one Monday off a year. Relative another national holiday like 4th of July, where U.S. only spent 25,000 soldiers to extricate itself from British rule, to Memorial Day seems expensive. However, upon further examination we see that the 4th of July falls on a different day of the week each year. Therefore, we are not guaranteed a three day weekend, and sometimes we don't get any additional days off because the holiday can fall on a Saturday or Sunday. Two days most of us get off from work anyway. It seems the extra 550,000 soldiers' lives did indeed pay for something. Further, when you look at the cost of Veterans Day you realize maybe Memorial Day is a steal. Veteran's Day falls on a Tuesday each year. Meaning we don't ever get a three day weekend from this holiday. Moreover, many companies don't give their employees the day off on Veterans Day. This is some natural fertilizer! I mean, what kind of freedom were these veterans fighting for? Their struggle and suffering should amount to at least the freedom of not working one day a year. The craziest thing about Veterans Day is that each year we incur more and more veterans, and all we really get for this yearly payment of human sacrifice is a parade in November. Who wants to walk in a parade in 35 F weather? Worse yet who want to stand watching a parade in November? Not to mention, Thanksgiving already has a parade in November that includes Santa Clause. Veterans can’t compete with Santa Clause. The very least we could do, as a nation, is give our soldiers a mythical gift giving mascot. So when you do some comparative shopping Memorial Day is a real bargain and Veterans Day is a rip off.

Another Quitting Story

Many years ago in a far off land in the Pacific Northwest I had a temp job. It was my first job in the city of Roses and like all jobs I hated it. My supervisor was a passive aggressive bitch and I wanted out. However, I was scared to quit the job. I didn't know if I'd find another one. If I didn't have a job how was I going to pay my rent? I debated with myself everyday about quitting. I asked friends for advice on the situation, most people suggested finding another job first. I started looking for a new job, and realized that this could take months; I didn’t know if I could stay at the present job that long. With every passing day my attitude grew more unpleasant. Then, finally...I was brought into my supervisor's office and she fired me. Though, my ego was a little bruised I was very ecstatic. I smiled a big smile and said, "Oh. OK. Cool." My supervisor looked bewildered and slightly disappointed because I wasn't crying. "

I skipped out the door and instant messaged my friend Jesse. "Dude, I've just been fired from job. My first firing."

He typed back, "That's awesome. They quit you. Now, you don't have to quit!"

I had been quit and it was awesome. I was free.

"Time to Quit"

My sensei frequently reiterates the saying, “If you fall down ten times you get up 11.” I’ve taken this to mean that we should not let life’s missteps keep us down. We should continue to pursue or goals and pursue perfection. This philosophy is dolled out in all aspects of life: “You got to get right back on that bicycle,” “Keep pounding the pavement,” “Don’t take, ‘No’ for answer,” “Practice makes perfect, etc. My question to you this Memorial Day Weekend is how do you know when to quit? I remember co-producing a sketch comedy show which I co-wrote. The production was a nightmare. Everything continually went wrong. The stage managers kept quitting, we had trouble assembling a cast, at one point it snowed, and because Portland, OR (where I was living at the time) hardly ever gets snow the city was caught completely off guard. The city basically shut down for a week and half and we couldn’t rehearse or get anything done. I had produced theatre before and I knew it’s never easy, it’s a lot of work and a lot of hours but the ridiculous amount of problems this production incurred went beyond hard work. I wondered should we just throw in the towel and call it a day. I didn’t know if that was me being weak or lazy or cowardly. I wound up not quitting because as those in theatre say, “The show must go on.” (Theatre people like the rest of don’t quit) The show went up and we had many a sold out night. I also got to see my writings come to life. So I guess I can say I’m glad I didn’t quit, but the show could have easily been a disaster. It was as much chance as anything that it wasn’t. If was a disaster would I have wished I quit? We are never taught that lesson in school. I was never told, “Rachael, you probably will never understand Geometry no matter how many hours you study or how many tutors you get. Drop the class and move on with your life.” Instead the only message we hear is “You’ll just have to work harder.” At what cost, though? How many times must you fall off your bike and watch your knees bleed and your chin swell before you say, “fuck it, I guess I’ll walk for the rest of my life?” 3 times? 10 times? I honestly, don’t remember how many injuries I sustained before I was a competent two wheeled cyclist. I just know that I can ride I bike and I know I fell more than once. I don’t remember if the thought ever occurred to me to quit trying. I do know that at one point I had a skateboard and I know that I really can’t ride a skateboard, I tried learning to ride, but the fear of falling kept me from really excelling. I must have quit skateboarding. I guess it’s easier to quit things you don’t care about or that garner no reward. By the time I tried skateboarding I already knew how to ride a bike. A skateboard seemed dangerous and less energy efficient (there are no gears on a skateboard. Imagine a skateboarder and cyclist racing up a hill.) It becomes harder to know when to quit when you enjoy something about it, and/or you feel there is a real benefit to sticking it out. Like a kid who endures sprained wrist after sprained wrist learning to ride a bike. He/She suffers the physical pain in hopes that he/she will learn to ride the bike which will allow him/her greater autonomy and the ability to play more with his/her friends who already ride. For him/her it’s worth it, unless of course they never gain the skills to keep the bike upright. And how do you know you will never learn?

So do we keep pursuing our career goals? Keep working at our difficult relationships? Keep rewriting that screenplay, do we keep kicking and punching in hopes to perfect our character? Do week keep fighting a war? I don’t know the answer to these questions. Enjoy Memorial Day. Remember car pool.

$120,000 in Debt. Fabulous.

I went to an Emerson Alumni event yesterday. Emerson is somewhat of an art school. The college only offers majors in Performing Arts and Communications (Film, TV, Radio, Audio Production, Speech Therapy etc). The funny thing about going to an Emerson Alumni function is that people are embarrassed of their “good jobs” at financial institutions, law firms, or government offices. These alumni who made sound life decisions feel awful about it. They make excuses for why they don’t act anymore like, “I had this crazy accident with a bong. It screwed up my voice box. I couldn’t speak. It’s hard to act when you can’t recite lines.”
“But, you’re voice has returned. That’s good. You’ve got your health.”
“Oh yeah, sure, but by the time I could speak again I had already made partner at the firm.”
“You were a mute lawyer?”
“Umm. I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

I imagine if you went to a Harvard alumni function you’d have people embarrassed and ashamed of being a temp or a waitress or a nanny, but for Emerson grads those jobs mean you are still wonderfully deluded about achieving your pipe dream. For some reason we take great pride in our delusions.

Is That A Carribean Cruise You're Wearing?

A couple of comedian acquaintances commented on my tan last night. And when I say commented, I mean they accused me of living the life of privilege. I explained that I sit in Central Park every day during my lunch hour.

Outside: it's the poor man's tanning booth.

Quasi @ luminaire

In honor of my 3 month long temp job. I give you 32 seconds this Quasi song. I couldn't find the whole song on youtube.

Where Were You on the Night of May 23rd?

The Romans had a saying, "En Vino Veritas" (there's truth in wine). Meaning you imbibe wine you start telling the truth. Anyone who has drunk dialed has a deep understanding of this platitude.

Studies have proven that torture does extract the truth from people.

I suggest that US interogators stop beating up their prisoners and take them out drinking. We'd find Bin Laden in no time and probably learn that prisoner 442 really misses his 4th grade girlfriend.

The Next "Ride of the Valkyries"

I'm working on my next musical masterpiece here are the early notes on this composition. I hear it as uptempo 8th notes of minor chords. Something similar sounding to Heart.

GRANDMA MOLLY'S LEGACY

Why won’t you come out of my chin, chin hair?
Smaller than a grain of sand but I can feel the people stare, chin hair—chin hair

Look at me with my whisker looking like Ebenezer
So evasive can't grab it even with metal tweezers, chin hair.

I pick and pluck and squeeze and fight
Still you are on my chin ever tight, chin hair---chin hair

And when I finally pull you out
My chin’s all red it looks like gout

Another hair takes its place, another hair takes its place another hair takes its place!!!! It’s place.

God damn, YOU! Chin Hair.

More than Acquaintances

A relationship between two people who know each and are having sexual relations but are not dating is frequently referred to as “more than friends.” I disagree with this term. I think you are actually less than friends. If it has been clearly stated that the two people engaging in sex are not dating then they can not socialize. They can not invite one another to a movie, or sporting event, or a party—especially not a party because at a party you could meet someone you actually want to date and therefore be more than friends with---because if you invite your sex partner to an event and then you have sex after the event that would then be a date and you are not dating. Which is simply illustrated in the equation:

Friendship + Sex = Dating.

On the other hand if you invite a friend to any of the above mentioned activities that’s completely acceptable actually it is more than acceptable it’s kind of required if you are to be friends with someone then you should socialize with them. Or illustrated in these equations.

Friendship - sex = Friendship

Knowing X + Socializing with X= Friendship

Also, when sleeping with someone you know but aren’t dating you may not call them just to chat. You do, however, call your friends just to chat. Perhaps you would call your friends to chat about the sex you are having with the person you know but aren’t dating. You would never call the person you are having sex with that you are dating to talk about the sex and/or them that’s what people do who are in a romantic relationships.

Sex + Socializing + Discussions about Sex and Socializing=Romantic Relationship

(Socializing + Intimate Discussions) - Sex = Friendship

That is why I think we should update the term for a relationship between two people who know each , are having sex with one anther, but are not dating to “more than acquaintances.” With acquaintances I rarely, if ever, socialize with them; I don’t call them on the phone unless I need an email address or something; I don’t discuss my sex life with them (OK I do, but most other people don’t); I don’t have talks about the relationship I have with them (unless I’m in Corporate America and have to have a passive-aggressive, emotionally dishonest discussion with a coworker about our working relationship.). Which can be expressed:

(Knowing Someone - Socializing) - (Intimate discussions) - caring at all = Acquaintance

So, basically you and your sex partner who you know each other but aren’t dating are acquaintances, well more than acquaintances because you don’t usually risk having a child with an acquaintance.

(Knowing Someone - Socializing) - (Intimate Discussions) + Sex + Pretending Not to Care = More Than Acquaintances.

More than Acquaintances = Less than Friends

Don't Call Me Mama

This past weekend I saw my extended family. My relatives were trying to tell me that I should have a child. I like that my family is progressive and doesn’t think I need to be married first or anything. I tried explaining to them how my life isn’t really conducive for child raising. First off, I have a dearth of money and babies need parents who can afford to feed them. I live with two roommates and have no place for a crib or anything. Yes, my bed is 3 feet off the floor on cinderblocks, so technically I could fit a bassinet under there; however, I have my bike gear and some luggage stored there, so there is no room for a baby or bassinet. And let’s just say for argument sake I come into gobs and gobs of money, or even just a gob of money, I’d be able to feed and shelter the baby, but I’d still be a stand-up comedian, a stand-up comedian without a husband. (Husband: another word for free baby-sitter/sex slave)What am I going to do? Take my child with me to a bar every night. You know how bar patrons hate when children infiltrate their safe haven. And, should a child be exposed to the behind the scenes action of stand-up comedy? You’d hear me ask the kid, “So what do you think should I end the joke with cock or dick? Which one do you think is funnier?”

Mother's Day could be Like Election Day--On A Tuesday

Yesterday, I got my mom flowers for Mother’s Day. That’s right I got them for her yesterday a good two days after the actual day. Some might suspect that I got them for her two days late because I was hoping flowers would go on sale similar to Halloween and Easter candy. The day after those holidays candy prices hit rock bottom. A flower sale is of course ludicrious. Flowers don’t go on sale at all. It turns out that flowers unlike candy die and so there are no left over flowers to buy. If you inquire into the prices of dead flowers the florist just gives you a look as to suggest you are strange. You'd think that they could at least put the gift cards on sale at least the gift cards that read, “Happy Mother’s Day.” Don't bother asking the florists that either. They will just respond, "The gift cards are complimentary with your flower arrangement purchase." You'd think they could give you money back on the "Happy Mother's Day" gift cards. It’s quite a racket those florists have.

Good thing that’s not the reason I waited. I waited so that my mom’s Mother’s Day flowers would out last all her friends’ Mother’s Day flowers, and then she could brag about how awesome her daughter is at buying flowers as her flowers would last a full two days longer than everyone else's flowers on her block. That’s how considerate, thoughtful and loving I am. I’m an awesome daughter because I go the extra mile for my mom.

Office Work Tip: Make the Day Go By More Quickly

If your finding that your days at work are just dragging on and on here's a tip to speed up your day.

Get to work late. When you show up late the end of the day seems to arrive in no time at all. The later you arrive the quicker the day flies by.

For a double dose of speeding up your sense of time at the office try adding a "leave early" your late arrival. It’ll feel like you almost were never there.

Separate But Equal Never Worked

A common, held belief is that women can’t separate love and sex. This belief is completely erroneous. It’s an old wives tale. Unless of course the old wife is in love with the man she’s having sex with. Then, of course, she can’t separate love and sex. But if she’s in love with a fella she can’t separate love and a dead, cold hand shake. She can’t separate love and “God bless you.” She can’t separate love and “Can you please file this for me?” She can't separate his colors from his whites, none of which she can separate from love.

That’s the thing about love it sticks to everything—which makes it kind of like sex.

Kids

I travelled to Connecticut to celebrate Mother's Day with my mother and her nieces who are all now mothers themselves. One of the little children was kind of cranky and was sporting a bit of an attitude. One of the parents said, "Oh he's just tired." This annoyed me. "He's tired. He's tired. Was he out all night drinking and dancing until 3am? Only, then to have to get up at 8:30am in order to travel two hours to Connecticut? Did he have to sit in a hedge fund office in uncomfortable clothes all day for a week and then stay up way too late pursuing a pipe dream? Tired. If he were tired he wouldn't have the energy to be cranky."

My Temp Job

My temp job is like getting paid to sit detention. I have to show up 9am and then sit there until 5:15pm. I wish they would just suspend me and mail me my check.

Rules to Live By (One rule in three Parts)

It is important for the single gal, who has many male friends in relationships, to obsess over some boy that is not her friend. She must be vocal about her obsession constantly, or at least constantly in the presence of the male friend’s significant other (dating or life partner). Her obsessiviness will ease the possessive minds of her male friend’s significant others, thereby allowing the single gal to keep her friends.

However, the single gal may not obsess over a movie star or other pop culture icon. Their unattainablity makes the single gal’s obsession irrelevant. Being in love with a pop icon does not diminish the single gal’s threat (real or imagined) to the male friend’s significant other, unless of course the single gal in question is a celebrity herself, then it is not far reaching to think she has a shot. Or the single gal once dated or married a celebrity despite her non-celebrity status, she may then obsess about that particular celebrity/pop icon/movie star aloud and constantly in the presence of her male friend’s significant other to put the significant other’s mind at ease.

However, if the significant other is a man then the single gal need not obsess publicly and/or constantly but may choose to if she enjoys such endeavors. If for some reason the male significant other is threatened by single gal then the single gal may counsel her male friend to drop his significant other because the dude is definitely crazy.

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Come see this show tonight:

SLAP YOUR KNEES OFF II: An Evening Of Stand-up to be Recorded

Mo Pitkins (34 Avenue A)

7:42pm

$5

Hosted by Tony Camin (Seen on Comedy Central)

Headlined by Pete Holmes (Comedy Central, Best Week Ever)

Featuring: Rachael Parenta, Charles Star, Adrienne Iapulluci, Claudia Cogan

We're making a tape so laugh and don't heckle.

Jonathan Richman - Springtime in New York

My eyes are tearing and itching. Mose is running and sneezing. My lungs feel like they're filled with sawdust. It could all only mean one thing... It's Spring time in New York. To celebrate this season of love I've written a love poem. I'd like to share that poem with you all today.

FERRY TO YOUR HEART

Our love is the East River lit by a full moon.
Our love is the impetus for the magnificence that is the Brooklyn Bridge.
Our love is a place of calm and serenity in a whirling crushing city.
Our love sings quietly as it laps the shores of Redhook.
Our love is beautiful, full of history.

But if we wade all the way.
Throw ourselves completely into our love with no abandon.
If we luxuriate in our love
We will surely die, Or get cancer At the very least contract a disgusting rash.
Our love is romantic, historic, powerful, and polluted.
Very Very Very Polluted.

Our love is the East River.

The Temp Mobile Once More

So I'm temping again, everyone. Today is my third day of what could be a three month of assignment. That's right I've lasted more than a day at this temp job. Maybe I just needed a sabitical from temping. I'm back from my break refreshed and renewed. Nah. I think the more likely explanation is that the temp before me was a horror. Compared to her I'm a gift from god. "Wow, Rachael, you're great you stay awake the whole 8 hour day. And when you shoot up herion you at least wait until lunch. That last girl used to set the sprinklers off when she burnt the spoon."

The Key To Everlasting Happiness

Many psychologist have stated that surpressing anger actually keeps a person angry significantly longer than if they just expressed the emotion when they had it. I've noticed, while observing my best friend Anna, that surpressing love also keeps you in love longer. My best friend Anna never fully let's herself express her amorous feelings and then winds up pining for years after the relationship has dissipated.

I'm thinking that if bottling up angry feelings and squashing love keeps those feelings with you longer then if you surpress your happiness you are sure to be happy for years on end. An emotion is an emotion, right? I reccommend that you go play with a puppy and eat some ice cream, but don't allow yourself to fully feel your happiness that way you can carry around your happiness for the rest of your life. Supress! Supress! Supress!

Also if you are looking for happiness you can come out to a stand-up show this Thursday May 10, 2007.

Slap Your Knees of II: A night of stand-up comedy
Where: Mo Pitkins (34 Avenue A)
Time: 8pm (get there 7:42pm)
Who: Me, Charles Star, Claudia Cogan, Adrienne Iapuluci
Tony Camin Hosts, Pete Holmes Headlines
Duration: 1hour 3o minutes
Cost: $5

Femme Foreign Policy

There are three inspirations for today's post. I'm reading a book by Rachel Simmons about how pre-teen and teenage girls express aggression and anger. I've also heard many people state that if women ran things there wouldn't be war. (I've also heard the variation "If women ran things, things would be better.) My third inspiration is the Iraqi war America is entangled in.

After growing up a girl and now reading a book on why girls act the way they do I find myself agreeing with popular notion that if women were in charge their wouldn't be war. Here's how a female would handle the Iraq problem. Our fearless woman president would have heard a rumor from the CIA during lunch that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. The female president would have gotten very angry. "Doesn't Sadam know that my country is the only country who can have weapons of mass destruction? Iraq is such a copycat. And really, who does Iraq think it is with all that oil? The oil is only with Iraq because the oil doesn't know the oil could do better. Iraq might have weapons of mass destruction but America has used them. America is way cooler." After the president got done bitching about Iraq with the prime minister of England (behind Iraq's back, mind you.) our president would have gone over to Iraq and said, "Oh my god, I love your weapons of mass destruction."

Sadam would have been all like, "I don't have weapons of mass destruction."
And our President would have been like, "Oh, it's OK you can tell me. I won't tell anyone. All us first worlder's have them anyway. Hell, even some of the second worlders have them. You know those countries that used to hang with the USSR. What a loser that country was. Am I right?"


Sadam would have probably responded, "I really don't have any weapons. I was thinking of developing some, but I don't know."

Our President would have egged him on. "Oh you totally should. You'd be great at it. I mean if the Russians can do it then anyone can."

Sadam would be like, "Yeah, that's true."

And then our president would have gone to the Russians and told them Sadam said that Russians are stupid. Our president would have sashed over to the UN to tell them that Sadam is totally going to develop WMDs. "The nerve." She then would have convinced the whole world one country at a time to not talk to Iraq anymore. The whole world would then snub Iraq. The country would be isolated and alone. No one to trade with; no one to fund their nuclear program (the Russians sure as hell aren't going to once they found out the Iraqis think Russians are stupid); and no one to eat lunch with in the cafeteria.

Next thing you know the Iraqis become despondent. Then they become depressed. They can't understand why the world is being like this. Their leader just had meeting with the leader of United States, the most popular country in the world (though of course everyone hates America behind America's America is so arrogant.). The Iraqis don't know what to do. They feel so alone. And they blame themselves. They must have done something wrong. They begin to that think maybe if we give up Islam the countries of the world will become their friends again. Except, that doesn't make sense because other Muslim countries are talking to them now either, and Iraq wasn't really very religious to begin with. The Iraqis try watching more MTV to fit in. Nothing works. Iraq tries to get help at the UN the UN tells Iraq it's just a phase. It happens to every country, just ask the Germans.

Iraq, with no place to turn, becomes suicidal. Eventually, the country torches itself in it's own oil. Yes, if a woman was in charge Iraq would end up in shambles. However, not one US soldier would have died, and all the oil we wanted for ourselves would have gone up with the country. Meaning, not as much oil to burn. Not as much burnt oil means less carbon emissions, which means global warming trends don't get expedited as severely. Oh, and of course no WMD threat. I guess things would be better if women ran things.

My Ass Needs a Phone

My best friend Anna and I were talking. She asked me if she could place a booty call a couple of days in advance. Say, it's Tuesday and she wanted sex on Friday or Saturday. Could she call the dude on Tuesday for him to come over Friday or Saturday? I said I didn't know. I have boyfriend and I can just call him whenever, for whatever reason. So we decided to ask other people--people with more experience with casual sex. Some people said yes, some people said no, and still others says, "Well, doesn't that make it a date?"

What is wrong with my generation? Is all romance lost? A booty call is not romantic and that is fine, but a date should have some element of romance to it. Asking someone over merely for sex with no other plans for the evening is not a date. A date requires a shared experience other than sex. You know like a movie, or rock climbing, betting on Jai alai, or four square-- Something. And yes you can have a date at your home. "Come over let's play scrabble." But you do actually have to play scrabble otherwise it's a booty call. Scrabble can't be code for "Let's get it on." Or, "Come over I'll cook you dinner." You know what? I'll even accept "Come over and we'll drink this bottle of wine I stole from my parents" as a date. However, I will not accept "Hey, do you want to come over late Friday or Saturday night after were done with our social or professional obligations?" as a date. I don't care if you place that call a month in advance.

OK. Tomorrow I will discuss hugs.

Bar Life

I overheard a conversation a few weeks ago between two bar patrons.

PATRON I (to patron II): I'll give you a ride.

PATRON II: Are you sure? I live all the way out by the airport.

PATRON I: Yeah, it's alright.

PATRON II: But it's late.

PATRON I: Yeah, I know. But I have to sober up before I can go to bed anyway.

PATRON II: Alright cool. Thanks man.

Yes, that's right Patron I was too drunk to go to sleep but not too drunk to drive someone out to the airport.

PATRON I: No problem, let's go.

Reflections on 29 years, 9 months and two weeks

I'm nearing my 30th birthday. As a child I never imagined I'd be this immature after three decades of living. A 39 year old man started a text message fight with me.

Right now, I'm more broke than I have ever been. I had more money when I was 9. And, if you factor for inflation my job paid better back then.