Wednesday, May 30, 2007
"Alright then. How about Rich Little and Monet they're both impressionists?"
"That's a shitty joke and if you said that at a comedy competition I'd place you dead last."
"I thought it was kind of smart because you have to know about the varying meanings of 'impression.'"
"Smart isn't funny. Steven Hawkings isn't known for his wit."
"Oh, shut up, voice in my head."
"I was just agreeing with you that you can't have Monet and Munch compete against each other. It would be like having a sprinter and marathon-runner compete they do different things."
"Actually you can't have them compete because they're not athletes."
"Exactly, why are you doing this show?"
I'm doing the show because I want to tell my jokes on stage in front of an audience. Don’t worry I won’t be trying to win. Instead of doing my tightest most jokiest five minutes I'm going to tell a 7 minute story in my 5 minute set about how I continually refused to give a specific dude a blow job one Spring evening.
I don't think you want to miss that.
12 Miles West Theatre
562 Bloomfield AvenueBloomfield, NJ 07003
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Many years ago in a far off land in the Pacific Northwest I had a temp job. It was my first job in the city of Roses and like all jobs I hated it. My supervisor was a passive aggressive bitch and I wanted out. However, I was scared to quit the job. I didn't know if I'd find another one. If I didn't have a job how was I going to pay my rent? I debated with myself everyday about quitting. I asked friends for advice on the situation, most people suggested finding another job first. I started looking for a new job, and realized that this could take months; I didn’t know if I could stay at the present job that long. With every passing day my attitude grew more unpleasant. Then, finally...I was brought into my supervisor's office and she fired me. Though, my ego was a little bruised I was very ecstatic. I smiled a big smile and said, "Oh. OK. Cool." My supervisor looked bewildered and slightly disappointed because I wasn't crying. "
I skipped out the door and instant messaged my friend Jesse. "Dude, I've just been fired from job. My first firing."
He typed back, "That's awesome. They quit you. Now, you don't have to quit!"
I had been quit and it was awesome. I was free.
Friday, May 25, 2007
My sensei frequently reiterates the saying, “If you fall down ten times you get up 11.” I’ve taken this to mean that we should not let life’s missteps keep us down. We should continue to pursue or goals and pursue perfection. This philosophy is dolled out in all aspects of life: “You got to get right back on that bicycle,” “Keep pounding the pavement,” “Don’t take, ‘No’ for answer,” “Practice makes perfect, etc. My question to you this Memorial Day Weekend is how do you know when to quit? I remember co-producing a sketch comedy show which I co-wrote. The production was a nightmare. Everything continually went wrong. The stage managers kept quitting, we had trouble assembling a cast, at one point it snowed, and because Portland, OR (where I was living at the time) hardly ever gets snow the city was caught completely off guard. The city basically shut down for a week and half and we couldn’t rehearse or get anything done. I had produced theatre before and I knew it’s never easy, it’s a lot of work and a lot of hours but the ridiculous amount of problems this production incurred went beyond hard work. I wondered should we just throw in the towel and call it a day. I didn’t know if that was me being weak or lazy or cowardly. I wound up not quitting because as those in theatre say, “The show must go on.” (Theatre people like the rest of don’t quit) The show went up and we had many a sold out night. I also got to see my writings come to life. So I guess I can say I’m glad I didn’t quit, but the show could have easily been a disaster. It was as much chance as anything that it wasn’t. If was a disaster would I have wished I quit? We are never taught that lesson in school. I was never told, “Rachael, you probably will never understand Geometry no matter how many hours you study or how many tutors you get. Drop the class and move on with your life.” Instead the only message we hear is “You’ll just have to work harder.” At what cost, though? How many times must you fall off your bike and watch your knees bleed and your chin swell before you say, “fuck it, I guess I’ll walk for the rest of my life?” 3 times? 10 times? I honestly, don’t remember how many injuries I sustained before I was a competent two wheeled cyclist. I just know that I can ride I bike and I know I fell more than once. I don’t remember if the thought ever occurred to me to quit trying. I do know that at one point I had a skateboard and I know that I really can’t ride a skateboard, I tried learning to ride, but the fear of falling kept me from really excelling. I must have quit skateboarding. I guess it’s easier to quit things you don’t care about or that garner no reward. By the time I tried skateboarding I already knew how to ride a bike. A skateboard seemed dangerous and less energy efficient (there are no gears on a skateboard. Imagine a skateboarder and cyclist racing up a hill.) It becomes harder to know when to quit when you enjoy something about it, and/or you feel there is a real benefit to sticking it out. Like a kid who endures sprained wrist after sprained wrist learning to ride a bike. He/She suffers the physical pain in hopes that he/she will learn to ride the bike which will allow him/her greater autonomy and the ability to play more with his/her friends who already ride. For him/her it’s worth it, unless of course they never gain the skills to keep the bike upright. And how do you know you will never learn?
So do we keep pursuing our career goals? Keep working at our difficult relationships? Keep rewriting that screenplay, do we keep kicking and punching in hopes to perfect our character? Do week keep fighting a war? I don’t know the answer to these questions. Enjoy Memorial Day. Remember car pool.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
“But, you’re voice has returned. That’s good. You’ve got your health.”
“Oh yeah, sure, but by the time I could speak again I had already made partner at the firm.”
“You were a mute lawyer?”
“Umm. I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
I imagine if you went to a Harvard alumni function you’d have people embarrassed and ashamed of being a temp or a waitress or a nanny, but for Emerson grads those jobs mean you are still wonderfully deluded about achieving your pipe dream. For some reason we take great pride in our delusions.
Outside: it's the poor man's tanning booth.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Studies have proven that torture does extract the truth from people.
I suggest that US interogators stop beating up their prisoners and take them out drinking. We'd find Bin Laden in no time and probably learn that prisoner 442 really misses his 4th grade girlfriend.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Smaller than a grain of sand but I can feel the people stare, chin hair—chin hair
Look at me with my whisker looking like Ebenezer
So evasive can't grab it even with metal tweezers, chin hair.
I pick and pluck and squeeze and fight
Still you are on my chin ever tight, chin hair---chin hair
And when I finally pull you out
My chin’s all red it looks like gout
Another hair takes its place, another hair takes its place another hair takes its place!!!! It’s place.
God damn, YOU! Chin Hair.
Monday, May 21, 2007
On the other hand if you invite a friend to any of the above mentioned activities that’s completely acceptable actually it is more than acceptable it’s kind of required if you are to be friends with someone then you should socialize with them. Or illustrated in these equations.
That is why I think we should update the term for a relationship between two people who know each , are having sex with one anther, but are not dating to “more than acquaintances.” With acquaintances I rarely, if ever, socialize with them; I don’t call them on the phone unless I need an email address or something; I don’t discuss my sex life with them (OK I do, but most other people don’t); I don’t have talks about the relationship I have with them (unless I’m in Corporate America and have to have a passive-aggressive, emotionally dishonest discussion with a coworker about our working relationship.). Which can be expressed:
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Good thing that’s not the reason I waited. I waited so that my mom’s Mother’s Day flowers would out last all her friends’ Mother’s Day flowers, and then she could brag about how awesome her daughter is at buying flowers as her flowers would last a full two days longer than everyone else's flowers on her block. That’s how considerate, thoughtful and loving I am. I’m an awesome daughter because I go the extra mile for my mom.
Get to work late. When you show up late the end of the day seems to arrive in no time at all. The later you arrive the quicker the day flies by.
For a double dose of speeding up your sense of time at the office try adding a "leave early" your late arrival. It’ll feel like you almost were never there.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
That’s the thing about love it sticks to everything—which makes it kind of like sex.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
It is important for the single gal, who has many male friends in relationships, to obsess over some boy that is not her friend. She must be vocal about her obsession constantly, or at least constantly in the presence of the male friend’s significant other (dating or life partner). Her obsessiviness will ease the possessive minds of her male friend’s significant others, thereby allowing the single gal to keep her friends.
However, the single gal may not obsess over a movie star or other pop culture icon. Their unattainablity makes the single gal’s obsession irrelevant. Being in love with a pop icon does not diminish the single gal’s threat (real or imagined) to the male friend’s significant other, unless of course the single gal in question is a celebrity herself, then it is not far reaching to think she has a shot. Or the single gal once dated or married a celebrity despite her non-celebrity status, she may then obsess about that particular celebrity/pop icon/movie star aloud and constantly in the presence of her male friend’s significant other to put the significant other’s mind at ease.
However, if the significant other is a man then the single gal need not obsess publicly and/or constantly but may choose to if she enjoys such endeavors. If for some reason the male significant other is threatened by single gal then the single gal may counsel her male friend to drop his significant other because the dude is definitely crazy.
Come see this show tonight:
SLAP YOUR KNEES OFF II: An Evening Of Stand-up to be Recorded
Mo Pitkins (34 Avenue A)
Hosted by Tony Camin (Seen on Comedy Central)
Headlined by Pete Holmes (Comedy Central, Best Week Ever)
Featuring: Rachael Parenta, Charles Star, Adrienne Iapulluci, Claudia Cogan
We're making a tape so laugh and don't heckle.
My eyes are tearing and itching. Mose is running and sneezing. My lungs feel like they're filled with sawdust. It could all only mean one thing... It's Spring time in New York. To celebrate this season of love I've written a love poem. I'd like to share that poem with you all today.
FERRY TO YOUR HEART
Our love is the East River lit by a full moon.
Our love is the impetus for the magnificence that is the Brooklyn Bridge.
Our love is a place of calm and serenity in a whirling crushing city.
Our love sings quietly as it laps the shores of Redhook.
Our love is beautiful, full of history.
But if we wade all the way.
Throw ourselves completely into our love with no abandon.
If we luxuriate in our love
We will surely die, Or get cancer At the very least contract a disgusting rash.
Our love is romantic, historic, powerful, and polluted.
Very Very Very Polluted.
Our love is the East River.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
So I'm temping again, everyone. Today is my third day of what could be a three month of assignment. That's right I've lasted more than a day at this temp job. Maybe I just needed a sabitical from temping. I'm back from my break refreshed and renewed. Nah. I think the more likely explanation is that the temp before me was a horror. Compared to her I'm a gift from god. "Wow, Rachael, you're great you stay awake the whole 8 hour day. And when you shoot up herion you at least wait until lunch. That last girl used to set the sprinklers off when she burnt the spoon."
Monday, May 07, 2007
Many psychologist have stated that surpressing anger actually keeps a person angry significantly longer than if they just expressed the emotion when they had it. I've noticed, while observing my best friend Anna, that surpressing love also keeps you in love longer. My best friend Anna never fully let's herself express her amorous feelings and then winds up pining for years after the relationship has dissipated.
I'm thinking that if bottling up angry feelings and squashing love keeps those feelings with you longer then if you surpress your happiness you are sure to be happy for years on end. An emotion is an emotion, right? I reccommend that you go play with a puppy and eat some ice cream, but don't allow yourself to fully feel your happiness that way you can carry around your happiness for the rest of your life. Supress! Supress! Supress!
Also if you are looking for happiness you can come out to a stand-up show this Thursday May 10, 2007.
Slap Your Knees of II: A night of stand-up comedy
Where: Mo Pitkins (34 Avenue A)
Time: 8pm (get there 7:42pm)
Who: Me, Charles Star, Claudia Cogan, Adrienne Iapuluci
Tony Camin Hosts, Pete Holmes Headlines
Duration: 1hour 3o minutes
Friday, May 04, 2007
After growing up a girl and now reading a book on why girls act the way they do I find myself agreeing with popular notion that if women were in charge their wouldn't be war. Here's how a female would handle the Iraq problem. Our fearless woman president would have heard a rumor from the CIA during lunch that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. The female president would have gotten very angry. "Doesn't Sadam know that my country is the only country who can have weapons of mass destruction? Iraq is such a copycat. And really, who does Iraq think it is with all that oil? The oil is only with Iraq because the oil doesn't know the oil could do better. Iraq might have weapons of mass destruction but America has used them. America is way cooler." After the president got done bitching about Iraq with the prime minister of England (behind Iraq's back, mind you.) our president would have gone over to Iraq and said, "Oh my god, I love your weapons of mass destruction."
Sadam would have been all like, "I don't have weapons of mass destruction."
And our President would have been like, "Oh, it's OK you can tell me. I won't tell anyone. All us first worlder's have them anyway. Hell, even some of the second worlders have them. You know those countries that used to hang with the USSR. What a loser that country was. Am I right?"
Sadam would have probably responded, "I really don't have any weapons. I was thinking of developing some, but I don't know."
Our President would have egged him on. "Oh you totally should. You'd be great at it. I mean if the Russians can do it then anyone can."
Sadam would be like, "Yeah, that's true."
And then our president would have gone to the Russians and told them Sadam said that Russians are stupid. Our president would have sashed over to the UN to tell them that Sadam is totally going to develop WMDs. "The nerve." She then would have convinced the whole world one country at a time to not talk to Iraq anymore. The whole world would then snub Iraq. The country would be isolated and alone. No one to trade with; no one to fund their nuclear program (the Russians sure as hell aren't going to once they found out the Iraqis think Russians are stupid); and no one to eat lunch with in the cafeteria.
Next thing you know the Iraqis become despondent. Then they become depressed. They can't understand why the world is being like this. Their leader just had meeting with the leader of United States, the most popular country in the world (though of course everyone hates America behind America's America is so arrogant.). The Iraqis don't know what to do. They feel so alone. And they blame themselves. They must have done something wrong. They begin to that think maybe if we give up Islam the countries of the world will become their friends again. Except, that doesn't make sense because other Muslim countries are talking to them now either, and Iraq wasn't really very religious to begin with. The Iraqis try watching more MTV to fit in. Nothing works. Iraq tries to get help at the UN the UN tells Iraq it's just a phase. It happens to every country, just ask the Germans.
Iraq, with no place to turn, becomes suicidal. Eventually, the country torches itself in it's own oil. Yes, if a woman was in charge Iraq would end up in shambles. However, not one US soldier would have died, and all the oil we wanted for ourselves would have gone up with the country. Meaning, not as much oil to burn. Not as much burnt oil means less carbon emissions, which means global warming trends don't get expedited as severely. Oh, and of course no WMD threat. I guess things would be better if women ran things.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
What is wrong with my generation? Is all romance lost? A booty call is not romantic and that is fine, but a date should have some element of romance to it. Asking someone over merely for sex with no other plans for the evening is not a date. A date requires a shared experience other than sex. You know like a movie, or rock climbing, betting on Jai alai, or four square-- Something. And yes you can have a date at your home. "Come over let's play scrabble." But you do actually have to play scrabble otherwise it's a booty call. Scrabble can't be code for "Let's get it on." Or, "Come over I'll cook you dinner." You know what? I'll even accept "Come over and we'll drink this bottle of wine I stole from my parents" as a date. However, I will not accept "Hey, do you want to come over late Friday or Saturday night after were done with our social or professional obligations?" as a date. I don't care if you place that call a month in advance.
OK. Tomorrow I will discuss hugs.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
PATRON I (to patron II): I'll give you a ride.
PATRON II: Are you sure? I live all the way out by the airport.
PATRON I: Yeah, it's alright.
PATRON II: But it's late.
PATRON I: Yeah, I know. But I have to sober up before I can go to bed anyway.
PATRON II: Alright cool. Thanks man.
Yes, that's right Patron I was too drunk to go to sleep but not too drunk to drive someone out to the airport.
PATRON I: No problem, let's go.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Right now, I'm more broke than I have ever been. I had more money when I was 9. And, if you factor for inflation my job paid better back then.