Saturday, May 31, 2008

Not a Woman, Huh? I Saw Sex and the City Opening Night

I did it. I went to the movie theatre joining a hundred other women to watch Sex and the City: the movie. I'm not going to lie it wasn't that good. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't that good. I could expand on that but I'd rather just nit pick on the whole premise of the movie.

As a fan of the show I have accepted a long time ago that this show represents a completely different aspect of New York City life than I have ever or probably will ever live. That being stated I take exception with the notion (that the movie presents in its opening) that people move to New York City to find love. There maybe people who by $500 shoes, and there maybe people who actually can afford to live in Manhattan or people who enjoy fashion shows. Fine. But no one has ever moved to New York City in hopes to find love that's like saying people move to New York City for the real-estate, or for the clean air.. That's what Paris is for. Perhaps even Paris, Texas. People move to New York to make money or to be gay or both. OK sure sometimes people have moved to New York City to escape famine. And sometimes they've been kidnapped and sold into the sex trade or into sweatshops. But never for love.

Who has time to look for love when you spend 60 hours a week working to make rent and then another 20 hours pursuing your pipe dream and then another 20 hours trying to fit in all the culture that New York has to offer? Most of which you actually don't have an interest in but you feel guilty for living here working your ass off to afford to live here and not take advantage of the fact that you have the opportunity to see Ukranian experimental rock ballet. I mean you can't find see that shit in Nebraska. And more importantly, you better see the Ukranian experimental rock ballet just in case you randomly meet a rich Ukranian who has the means to fund your latest venture capital deal or film. You're going to need something to talk to him about so you can woo his money from him. With all that to do there is no time to look for love or to even go on regular dates. And people who do find themselves married and in New York can frequently be heard saying, "Oh but we never see each other. We're both so busy."

If you want to be a star or a career financial baron you move to New York. If you want to find love and you're a woman, you move to Juno, Alaska where rugged men and criminals men on the lamb out number women 720 to one (give or take.).

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Pop Psychiatry

Some dude I know said I displayed low self-esteem when I got all player-hatey on people in my social sphere. I said, "No. I'm not jealous of these fools. I just really like myself and I find it infuriating if not confusing that some people just don't hold me at the high level of esteem that I hold myself."

My mother once said to me with forlorning in her voice, "Why can't you believe that person likes you?" My answer, "Because that person hasn't made me the center of that person's world. Where are the alters? Where are the golden statues made in my image?"

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Hypercritically Delicious

It can happen that after having a conversation with me that you leave the conversation thinking, "That Rachael Parenta is very anti-corporation." I'm here to tell you that isn't true. I love corporations. Well, at least three of them--Ben & Jerry's, Hagan Daz, and Breyers. (I believe Breyers owns eith B&J or HD or both but it doesn't make the ice cream any less heavenly.) I'm sure these corporations treat their cows horribly. But you know what? If God didn't want us eating ice cream he would have given cows poisonous fangs and a viscious temper.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Get the Whole Story

A comedy acquantance quoted me in an article/blogpost she wrote for mtv.com regarding abortion rights and this year's presidential election. You can read it here. She quoted one sentence out of paragraphs of content she dragged out of me. I'd like to share with you some of the other content not used her mtv.com piece.

Sara asked: To what extent does a candidate's stance on abortion affect your opinion of him/her? Why?

Rachael responded:
If a candidate is anti-choice and/or wants to sign off on legislation that restricts a person's right to choose I don't see myself voting for that candidate. However, it doesn't make me a one issue voter. Usually candidates that are pro-choice agree with me on other issues. It's not like someone is going to be Pro-Choice and then be for killing all the manatees.

I am pro-choice for two main reasons I don't want children and I hate condoms. Condoms chafe and they're made in Southeast Asia, meaning condoms probably made in sweatshops by children. I can't support child labor. Meanwhile, I don't think I could be on the birthcontrol pill because I can't swallow pills. However, even if birth control came in liquid like children's advil I have a fear of taking hormones--how much crazier can I afford to get? The best idea to avoid pregnancy is to sleep with men who don't cum. Whether it's a Budhist Tantric thing, Catholic guilt thing, or an anti-depressant thing it's probably a girl's best bet. (Yes, that's right it's not just women who have problems with orgasming) Though, that isn't always an option or sometimes one of the non-ejaculating dudes might surprise you and himself. I hope "the state" doesn't compound that oopsy by making me have a baby for three reasons. I don't have money to raise one, I'm very self involved and the world is going to shit. Why should I bring a child into a polluted, melting pot on the verge of nuclear anhilation? Some people will argue that if I'm not ready for a baby then I shouldn't be having sex. That would only be true if abortion didn't exist. Right? I'll never be ready for a baby but I should have sex. WebMD said there were at least 10 health benefits to having sex. A baby was not listened among those benefits. People who are not having sex or seeking to have sex come in two types: religious zealots or a people with a gun in their mouthes.

So why do I believe in abortion rights because I think irresponsible, broke-ass artists should be allowed to have sex just like the bourgeois, but without ruining a life by birthing it unlike the bourgeois.


Yeah mabye I shouldn't play church groups.

Monday, May 19, 2008

It's the End of the World. Sort of, Kinda, Maybe Not

When my mornings begin with me hearing my alarm radio alarm clock softly tell me that "Oil prices hit a record high for the 10th day in a row," or "There's a rice and flour shortage," or "President Bush is threatening to bomb some Axis of Evil country, " I kind of feel like I'm in some Sci-fi, dystopian, disaster film. You know how those films start with the protaganist wondering around his apartment while the radio or cable news is on in the background. We the audience pay little attention to the crazy and awful news story that's being reported, but 15 minutes further into the film all of a sudden there is a fire ball raging through the
Lincoln Tunnel. Then we all think, "Oh my God, that's what they were talking about on the news in the opening, seemingly innocuous, scene." Well, it's on those mornings while I'm innocently brushing my teeth and NPR is giving me the early morning run down of world disasters that happened over night that I expect there to be a riot by noon. Or a plague by 2pm. It hasn't happened yet. I guess it's a lot harder to get out or working than they portray it the films.

Friday, May 16, 2008

A Pun for Friday

Have you heard of that term friends with benefits? It's a stupid term. Benefits doesn't mean what the people using this term want it to mean. Benefits means a 401K package and health insurance. You've never had a job where the Human Resources manager explains your benefit package as 2 weeks paid vacation, 3 sick days, 5 nipple twist, and couple of blow jobs. No. A friend with benefits is a friend you marry so that you can be covered by his/her health insurance plan.

If you are having sex with your friend that means you are dating. Just because you go dutch when you're at the bar or you are sleeping with people other people who are not your friend but are less than friends/more than acquantances doesn't make you not dating your friend. It makes you either a) polyamorous or b)cheating on the person you are dating.

And that's today's lesson.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Immature Adults or Are They Just Growning Up So Fast?

Last weekend I spent sometime with my 9-year-old cousin. We talked about whether or not playing real guitar was easier than Guitar Hero. For Guitar Hero was easier the neck of the guitar for the game fits in her hand better than a real guitar. For me I found actual guitar playing easier as I have yet to memorize the colors on the neck of the guitar hero guitar. Then we talked about bowling, comic books, sports. That's when I told her there isn't much difference between you and my 30-something friends. Her eyes grew big, "Really?" Yeah. The only difference is they're taller and have jobs and you don't have debt. Isn't that funny? They work and have negative money, and you, cousin, don't work and have some money.

My cousin responded, "I don't know what you're talking about." And neither do my friends.

Roommate Politics

My roommate left his dishes in the sink. So I left a man in the apartment. I figure if he's not going to clean up his shit, why should I clean up mine.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Mother's Day Was Two Days Ago

So if the stand-up comedy doesn't work out. First off I don't even know what I mean by that. The stand-up comedy worked out years ago when I lived in the Pacific Northwest and my open mic status got me free drinks, free entrance into rock and roll venues and write-ups in the local weekly. Since then I have gotten funnier, the perks have gotten fewer, and the audiences have gotten smaller. So what I'm saying is since the stand-up comedy is no longer working out I think I'm going to try to find fullfillment in the greeting card industry. Below please find what I wrote my mom on the inside of the Mother's Day card (a card I bought right in front of her on Mother's Day. I then filled it out in the back seat of the car after we left the store which I bought it. And when I write that I bought it I mean I placed it on the conveyor belt with the things my father was purchasing and then let him pay for it all--hey, I got to be me people).



To Mom,

Hey I have to tell you that Rick Springfield is not from NJ. I know it wasn't your idea orginally to suggest such a thing it was in fact your mother's idea. I think she Rick Springfield with Bruce Springstein. Props to your 91 year old mother for even knowing who Bruce Springstein is. Unfortunately, you are both wrong. When grandma suggested it just a moment ago and then you supported her statement it sounded wrong to me. So I looked it up on allmusic.com on my "smart phone." Turns out Rick is from Australia. This was a shock to me as well. Now, I didn't want to correct you but your son Stephen told me I had to. I thought there was no harm in letting you guys think what you will of the eighties pop star, because let's face it you both won't remember ever having said it, but your son Stephen. Well, your prized child is such a perfectionist, as gay men tend to be, that he felt you should be properly informed on your 80s pop culture. He said, "You never know when Mom or Grandma might be selected to be on a game show or hail the Cash Cab." Oh did you not know your favorite child was gay? I hope that isn't upsetting news. I mean I'm engaged and everything because I just want you to be happy that's why I didn't want to press this Rick Springfield issue. It was all Stephen's idea. Why you have to win a game show for him to love you I'll never know. I love you for who you are incorrect trivia knowledge and all. I told Stephen I wasn't going to put the info in about Rick Springfield. That it was stupid to include on a mother's day card. But then he gave me an indian burn. Yes, this 35 year old man gave me an indian burn and when I still wouldn't comply he began flicking lit cigarette butts at me. I had no choice. That's right Stephen Smokes. The whole ordeal has just proven Stephen right in his politics. Apparently, he was right to believe that torture is an effective method of intergation or in this case getting his younger, real-live sister to do his bidding; and, that congresss is just made -up of a bunch of pussies. His word not mine, mom.

So Happy Mother's Day Mom, from your engaged daughter on her way to a fruitfull career in greeting cards and your gay, torture-loving, cigarette smoking son.

I think this might be a top selling card next year.

Friday, May 09, 2008

We The People Have Formed an Imperfect Union

I accidently posted this yesterday on my performance calendar.

I know what’s wrong with America. We’re a country of immigrants. You’re thinking, “Yeah. We rock! Immigrants, man. Immigrants are entrepreneurial. They’re go-getters. They are hard working, pull yourself up by your boot-straps, salt of the earth people.” Sure, I guess. But you know what they also are? Outcasts. The USA is full of people who descend from outcasts and weirdoes who are so strange and off putting that they couldn't merely move to the next village, region or even a neighboring country. They had to leave an entire continent and put an ocean between themselves and their homeland. For example, why didn’t the Irish just go to Scotland? I’ve never heard of the Scottish potato famine. Instead they journeyed for 3 months on leaky, disease-ridden boats to a place where the sun actually shines and in a time before the advent of sunscreen.

We got the freaks of the entire world melting in this pot—from Asia to Europe to Australia. What kind of degenerate gambler do you have to be to leave your birthplace to take a chance in place you know nothing about, you probably don’t speak the language, you don’t have any friends or family there. But fuck it you’re just going to roll the dice of life and hope you blew on them correctly.

Even the founders of this nation had no forethought. Everyone in England hated the puritans, the inventors of hall monitoring, because they were a buzz kill and self-righteous lot. So instead of trying to bend like a tree in the wind these iconoclasts sail to a continent that had no housing or plumbing. Who does that? Who decides to go camping for the rest of their lives? The Unabomber that’s who. And of course the Unabomber is from here. He was probably related to the pilgrims.

We are a nation of people who either abandoned their families for their own selfish, sociopathic needs or people who were so awful they were run not just out of town, but off a continent. Either way we’re blowing things up just like those kids in high school who don’t seem to fit in.

We the people of the United States are descendants from crazy, degenerate gambling, iconoclasts, who had no emotional ties to their friends and family. No wonder so many of our people don't believe in evolution. Who wants to think of we are made up of that genetic material. It's probably just best to believe genetic material doesn't exist. And that's my point. I'm not made for this environment. I'm allergic to it. Someone please hand me another tissue.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

80s Comedy Today

That's right I'm going to discuss airplane travel just like the comedians of the 1980s did day in and day out.

After flying to Orlando and back I would like to suggest something to American airports to speed up the airport security lines. Airport security should profile. If the passengers are American born and bread and are under the age of 40 let them go through security unchecked. Do not make us remove our shoes or put our bags through a screener. Why? Because my generation's apathy runs deep. We aren't so much from the school of "doers." Unless you're talking about video games, weed, and booze. In all honesty we are lucky we were able to get our act together to book our plane ticket. Not only did we have to committ to a social engagement such as vacation we had to have room on our almost maxxed out credit cards. Making us take off our shoes is ridiculous. First off, it's a taxxing physical and emotional burden for the younger people of this nation. Secondly, we didn't make a shoe bomb. There is no way we were going to rip ourselves away from "Rock of Love" long enough to learn mini explosives. The liquids in our toiletry bag are completely harmless, well if you're not counting the cancer they cause (but that's not our fault we didn't invent the stuff), we never paid attention in chemistry class. My generation and the ones that have failed again and again on standardized science tests. If you want to confiscate someone's shampoo try that european dude or that 5 year old Japanese child. But for the love of god, just let us get to our gate unempeded we have 5000 songs on our ipod and they are not going to listen to themselves.

Friday, May 02, 2008

I should take a Vacation from This Blog

Do you ever look at your relatives and think, "Those bat-shit crazy genes are some of the critters playing in my pool?"
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Vacationing at retirement village is much like camping. Once the sun goes down the forest closes up shop.
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Because I'm obviously tapped out of ideas. Enjoy someone else's art. The Flaming Lips singing their song "Do You Realize?" I believe one of the lines in the song is "Do you realize everyone you know someday will die." It seems kind of fitting for where I am right now. :)