Friday, August 29, 2008

Enriching Effects of Travel

I've been in Scotland now a week. As I am about to leave this country to head over to Ireland I've begun to reflect. I started to think about Scotland in the 1700s before there were cars, or planes or trains. I realized that for the common Scot back then they must have thought the existence of the Sun a myth like King Arthur. I don't see how any Scotsman could have every seen the sun without travelling off the island.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

BBC News

This morning the news informed me that a crazy dude planned to shoot at Barak Obama. When I saw that my heart immediately went out to Hilary Clinton. I guess for her the writing is on the wall her campaign really is over because no one is trying to shoot her. Poor little Hilary.

Monday, August 25, 2008

One Minute of Internet Time Left at the Library

What I've learned.

Oregon is the Scotland of America except Oregon has a summer. In return for no summer Scotland doesn't have so many hippies.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Reverse Obscure Tour

First things first. China's medal standing aren't that impressive when you realize they have at least three times the amount of people the United States has. The don't have three times the Olympic Medals, so stop your bragging China.
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And now for the post. Today my fiance, James, and I take our next step in our Spalding Grey tour. We are starting at the end of his life and working our way backwards. A couple of summers ago James and I took a ride on the Staten Island Ferry where Spalding chose to say good-bye to this cruel world. Next week we will head to Ireland where we, like Spalding, will be driving on Irish Country roads. We hope, however, we don't crash and break our hip and wind up in an Irish Hosipital leading us into a deep depression we won't be able to find our way out of. Because that would lead us right back to the Staten Island Ferry and that's not much of tour.

Monday, August 18, 2008

A Conspiracy Revealed

You want to know why you're married? Wrong! It's not because you're in love and/or want children. The reason is you have been brainwashed by Industrial Capitalistic Complex. Marriage equals corporate dollars.

The Complex knows one thing. It knows that if people are left to their own devices they would be perfectly happy loafing about and occassionally going to the beach. This does not generate revenue. However, married people have to go out and do things. They have to go to events and go out to dinner. Married people have to infuse their marriage with interesting things otherwise it's just awkward. It's just two people loafing around, occassionally going to the beach, and blankly staring at each other. Nothing causes existential angst like having nothing to say. A person wouldn't realize they didn't have anything to say if they weren't married. To avoid existential angst people go out do things so they have something to talk about. "Yes, I prefer Burger King's burger to McDonald's, however, I find the McDonald chicken McNugget superior to Burger King's chicken Tender."
"Honey, I agree with you on the burgers but not so much on the chicken. For chicken fingers I think you have to go with Wendy's."
"Is it true that the Wendy's guy was adopted?"
"I believe so. But I think he's dead now."
And so it goes.

And thus, every one on the planet has been convinced by their respective cultures that marriage is a must. Non-capitalistic countries usually have arranged marriages because they don't need as much capital, while the rest of us are out there having the burden of finding our own marriage partner.

The non-arranged marriage is brilliant from the Complex's stand-point. All these single people are out there spending money going out trying to meet people to marry. And when single people aren't out on the prowl they're out pursuing hobbies to make themselves more interesting to a person they meet when out on the prowl. And the money keeps getting spent.

Eventually most people find someone to marry and after 7-25 years the marriage fails, the conversations become. "Are you fucking kidding me? You think Burger King has better burgers! If that's true than why is McDonalds the biggest burger company? You don't know shit you're so stupid!"
"I'm stupid, you friggin idiot? You're the one who just follows the herd like a lemming."
"Nice mixed metaphor!"
"At least I use poetic language."
And then they hire a divorce lawyer, and judges are paid and court clerks employed. Without marriage the Industrial Capitalistic Complex would fall.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Aren't I Clever?

Someone said to me, "You're living the dream, Rachael." I responded, "More like I'm living an insomoniac delusion."

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

No More Miracles in Mudville

Watching this year's Olympic Games I find myself longing for the past. Back in the good old days we were able to win symbolic athletic victories over our enemies. But Germany is no longer run by Nazis, so who cares if our black track stars run rings around the competition. The Soviet Union has fallen, no more unbelievable hockey games. Al Queda really does suck. They don't even have the decency to put together an Olympic team. Wouldn't it be great to watch our red white and blue win a dramatic and symbolic victory over the Al Queda basketball team. They would be the best basketball team in the world and our unbearded basketball upstarts win a dramatic victory in the final seconds.

I see Kurt Russel playing the Pete Jackson, Pat Riley, or whomever the coach is of our underdog ragtag basketball USA basketball team, in the Disney produced movie. Maybe Hanna Montana could play the love interest.

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The reason the Iranians don't have an Olympic softball team is because they have no lesbians in their country.
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Who is scared that Phelps is going to be found out for doping?

Friday, August 08, 2008

Because I'm not Famous

Yesterday I had an out of town gig. At a camp. A camp for kids. In fairness to my friend who booked me on this show I was the headliner. The headliner of a comedy show of puebscent and prepuebscent campers. By the time I took the stage the 12-16 old kids had left, chased out of the camp dining hall by their fellow campers who had taken the stage earlier. All that was left were the 8 and 9-year-olds who had nothing better to do and no free will.

Prior to the show I construct a 10 minute set that had no foul language, nor any sex, drugs, or murder references. What did I get for my efforts? I got heckled. The children heckled me. That's the thing a clean set doesn't mean a children appropriate set. Kid's don't know what longterm care insurance is. They don't know what temping is (oh but they will! It was arts camp full of aspiring performers) they don't know who harrison ford is. I'm 31 years old I have no idea what kids know. I know they and I don't have the same interest. So I was heckled. Which turned into me insulting the children. I said things like, "You must know about alcohol because your father drinks." The little fucker responded, "You've gone too far." I gave him my classic, "Did you buy me a drink? Then why are you talking to me?"

But the kids were too much for me. You see kids are like the White South African Apartaid government as portrayed in the 1990s movie Leathal Weapon II. Kids have diplomatic immunity. They can steal Cougarants, kill Mel Gibson's girlfriend, beat the shit out of Joe Pesci and you can't do anything to them because they're underage aka Diplomatic Immunity. These kids can park where ever they like or heckle me all night and I can't say shit. Literally. I can't use the word "shit" or I would get in trouble, but they can tell me I suck. I can't say "What did you step out of an 80s time machine with that hair cut?" And just like those Apartiad diplomats they know you can't touch them, so they keep pushing your buttons.

They only thing children should be allowed to participate in is karate. Karate is the great loophole to children's repercussions to being assholes. In karate if a kid acts up you can make the kid do push-ups or say, "OK. Glove-up." Which means it's time to spar and even if you're bigger than me kid I have the fact that I have gone through puberty and actually have muscle tone.

My point. I need a new agent.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Hand me that Good Hand

There is an insurance company out there called Allstate. I first learned about them on the news. Apparently people in California and New Orleans were pissed at Allstate for not shelling out money for these people's burned and flooded homes respectively. At first I was sympathetic to the customers of Allstate until last week when I saw a commercial for the insurance company. In the commercial the spokesman states, "Just because you have insurance doesn't mean your protected. That's Allstate's stand. You're in good hands with Allstate." Well, Hello people. they tell you right there in their commercial that just because you have insurance doesn't mean you're covered. They spent a lot of money and went through a lot of trouble to advertise the fact that they don't believe in helping their customers. That's not even fine print.

Shame on you Californians and Gulf Coast residents for harassing a very open and honest corporation.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

A Bull in a China Shop: My Mom Discount Shopping

One of my mother's bowls (for eating) broke a couple of weeks ago while I was visiting my parents' home. I was quickly blamed and reprimanded for the bowl breaking even though I did not break the bowl. My father broke the bowl. He accidently hurled his body into the dish rack where the bowl was resting so it could dry. Seconds afte my fahter's body collided with the dish rack the bowl flew off the kitchen counter and plummetted to the hard tile kitchen floor just like Newton predicted it would--Crack! Splat! Crack--followed by loud and soft obscenities from my father. My father's anger over the broken bowl seemed a little misplaced. It was only a bowl they have others that look just like it in the kitchen cabinet.

I helped my foul mouthed father clean up the shards of what once was a flower decorated bowl.

My mother came and knew the bowl had been broken. How? I have no idea. I doubt my father would have mentioned it. I mean, he broke the bowl. And even if he was planning to frame for this bowl breaking incident I doubt he would have started by telling my mother. My father isn't one to tell my mother things. He buys TVs, cars, and other major purchases without telling her and just waits to see if she notices. Eventually, mom does notice and then my father denies the purchase. He'll claim that we've always had said car or TV. The only thing my father is fond of telling my mother is stories of his golf game and exagerated army stories from 40 years ago. So if my father didn't tell her how did she know. The only explanation I can come up with is that my mother comes home from work goes directly to the kitchen cabinet and counts the dishes, bowls, glasses and what not.

That day they were one short. Through an investigation my mother determined my father had caused the bowl to break, however, I was charged with one count of conspiracy to break the bowl and one count of accessory before the fact. Why? Because I had used the bowl and washed it. Yes, that's right this whole bowl fiasco was my fault because I didn't eat cereal and milk out of my hands.

"No." My mother said, "You don't have to eat out of your hands. What a mess that would make. You should have eaten out of the purple bowls in the other cabinet. I told you that."

It should be mentioned that I don't recall ever having been told about the purple bowl policy. Though, it seems over the years my mother has told me many things that apparently I don't remember. I told me mother, "I don't remember that."

"Well, I told you. This is why I don't want those flower decorated bowls used."

"If I had used the purple bowl there would have been a purple bowl broken."

"That would have been OK."

"I have a feeling that would not have been OK."

"The flower bowls are the good ones."

"Fine."

But I wasn't thinking "Fine." I was thinking why does she have bowls that arent' to be used. These bowls aren't even displayed in a china cabinet or anything. They are just in a kitchen cabinet not to be used. Why spend money on good China if you're not going to display it or more importantly use it for it's designed purpose?! I have no answer for this question. This is who my mother is. She's a crazy lady. A lady who once carpeted the staircase with carpet we were not allowed to walk-on. Going upstairs to bed everynight was a fete. I have known this woman over 31 years and she defies explanation.

She called me last week to let me know she had replaced the bowl. She lucked out while she was at TJ Max they had these flower bowls. Where it turns out she orginally bought the bowls. That's right the good china comes from a discount clothing store. I can only imagine where she bought the purple bowls.