Friday, January 30, 2009

I want my Noble Prize in Psychiatric Medicine

I was reading an article in the New York Times about women's sexuality. The article stated some drug companies are trying to create a pill to increase women's libido. Basically, they want to create the female "viagra." Umm...I think we already have that it's called alcohol. It cost approximately $6 a shot or discounted Monday - Fridays at a price of 2 shots for $6.

"Hey, Rachael that's all fine and good, but what about women who are recovering alcoholics?" I think we all know that alcoholism is hereditary. We also know that sex spreads genetic material. So perhaps those women shouldn't be having sex and passing on their alcoholic genetic material to the next generation.

I'm ready for my close-up for my picture in the AMA. Thank you. I couldn't have done this without the help of the bartenders. Without them my research never would have gotten off the ground.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Hey, Wait a Minute.

I just realized I don't think the bailout of the financial system worked. They said we had to give billions of dollars to banks and the like otherwise all us Main Streeters would lose our jobs. So we gave them the money but we are all losing are jobs anyway. I don't remember that being an option. Because if I'm going to lose my job I rather keep my money. It seems silly to basically buy my job with tax money only for me not to get my job.

From now on I want 7.2 % unemployment for free. This paying for a deep recession just seems not logical.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Secretary's Day for Me

Can I just write that I love that Obama selected Hilary Clinton as Secretary of State? Not because I'm a fan of Hilary's. God knows I'm not. But, because I already know who she is. I, now for the first time, can seem like an informed and educated person. If Jay Leno ever stops me for his "Jay Walking" segment and asks who the Secretary of the State of the USA is I can answer confidently Hilary Rodam Clinton (Just don't ask me to spell it.).

Gone are the days when I sheepishly answer the Secretary of State question with "James Baker? Wait no. Tammy Fay Baker. Are women still secretaries in Washington?" The knew knowledge benefits me in all types of ways. For example, if a cute boy at a bar strikes up a conversation with me and begins talking about politics I can say something like, "Picking up the United States' laundry? Well, that sounds like a job for Hilary Clinton, Secretary of State." I know you're thinking, "Rachael, don't you have a boyfriend? What are you doing picking up cute boys in a bar." Listen, just because I'm attached doesn't mean I don't want to be desired by cute boys at bars. What better way to get a cute boy to desire you then to seem intelligent and in the know. The smartest women always get the cutest and most successful boys.

So, thank you President Obama for picking an already famous politician as your Secretary of State. Now, maybe you can put Arnold Schwartzenager (don't ask me to spell it) as Secretary of Defense. Usually, I'm not for Austrian born dudes to head a military, but how smart would I seem if I knew the Secretary of Defense as well. Too bad Paul Newman passed away he'd make a great Secretary of Agriculture. No one ever knows who the Secretary of Agriculture is. Ahh, I guess there is no need to be greedy, I mean we so rarely know the person cooking our food. Can anyone name the chef at any Burger King or McDonalds?

Thanks again Obama you really are an instrument of change. I finally know shit.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The benefits of a Boyfriend

I've decided, randomly, to list the benefits of having a boyfriend.

1. A boyfriend instantly doubles the amount of zits to pop, hairs to pluck, pores to squeeze, and random body growths to scratch. A boyfriend doubles your grooming disorder satisfaction.

2) He is a constant and instant bowling partner day or night, weekend or weekday.

3)A boyfriend can be used as a free massage therapist.

4)Biodegradable back scratcher. Unlike a piece of plastic, formed in the shape of a little hand with a long handle, that will eventually spend it's eternity in a landfill, your boyfriend will replenish the soil and feed the worms and insects. And, not only does your boyfriend have a hand he also has a spare one just in case anything happens to the first one. That's saving you can see.

5) Your boyfriend makes you feel like a superior human. Do you see how you are able to pay your bills on time and not spill things on yourself? You thought that was common place and that everyone could do that, but now after dating your boyfriend you realize how special you are.

Monday, January 26, 2009

R and R

Frequently, people who work in offices vacation by camping in the woods. Does that mean Forest Rangers vacation by camping out in offices?

Of course not a cubicle can't fit a tent and the microwaves don't do a good job of cooking all that dehydrated camping food. Granted you could tell ghost stories around the glow of a monitor as long as you schedule the meeting in Outlook first.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

My Hope For The Future

I lost my car key. Luckily, I had a duplicate, however, since I lost one key it was seems probably that I might lose another key. Therefore, I had to go down to the dealer to get a new duplicate. The days of going to a hardware store to get a copy of your car key made are over. The keys these days have computer chips in them that need to be programmed. As I drove down there I joked that since cars are selling so poorly that they'd charge me $16,000 for the key, or I could buy a brand new car for $15,500 which comes with two sets of keys. Turns out my joke wasn't such a joke. The dealership charge me $97.53 for...a...key. No, it's not a magic key that drives the car for you. Nor does the key come with free therapy sessions so you can come to terms with the price of the replacement key. And yes, this happened in 2009 a year when computer chips and computer memory costs less than it costs the Christian Child Fund to feed a hungry child in a 3rd World country for a day. The hefty price would make sense if it were 1979 when computer technology was expensive.

And yes, I realize I screwed up. I lost my key and the punishment for that should be $10 for a replacement key and the time taken from my day to replace the key. But $97.53 seems cruel and unusual. OK not unusual as being monetarily raped by a car dealership is pretty common place.

But what really struck me was how this could happen during the Obama administration. He had been president a day and yet this kind of bad business was still going on. I hope that Obama forms a task force to deal with car industry corruption.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Up the Lazy River? No Way I'd Paddle There

I reached the epitome of laziness yesterday when trying to justify my day,and make a case for my productivity, I listed as my accomplishments for the day changing out of my pajamas into regular clothes. I guess it could have been worse. I could have just taken off my pajamas and then been too lazy to put on anything else. Perhaps it wasn't quite rock bottom, The day I justify my day with a list containing, breathing, eye blinking, and picking my toe nails is the day someone needs to smother me with a pillow. Yes, someone else will have to do it because I doubt I'll find the motivation.


Thankfully today I have this blogpost as my list of accomplishments.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Admissions Exam

There is nothing worse than dating someone who hasn't been very particular in his choices for past dating partners. You can't help thinking, "Wow, you really would just ask anyone out. What does that say about me? I mean if you're going to try to date the girl with boy hair-cut and puffy bubble vest adorned with hoody I guess you're not too exclusive."

Some will say it doesn't matter. But say to them oh really? Where did you go to college? Do you go to highly selective school like Havard? And now you feel pretty good about yourself intellectually. Or did you go to community college where they take anyone?

Me: I'm like M.I.T. I accept the smart and socially awkward.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Literati

New Yorkers are readers. They have lots of time to kill commuting on an inefficient and corrupt mass transit system. The great irony though, is that these people have no place to store all the books and magazines they read in their tiny apartments. I guess that goes to show you that reading doesn't necessarily make you smarter. Smart people wouldn't live in cramped, rodent infested, over-priced boxes with no room for the books they love to read.

I am one such imbecile. However, I thought I had found a solution to my book problem. My answer was to store my books at my parents place in NJ. You see my parents have all these bookshelves throughout their house but not so many books. I presented the idea to my mother. "Hey, mom why don't I fill your bookshelves in the living room with my books that I shouldn't keep in my apartment?"
"Umm. Hmm? No. That's not what the bookshelves are for?" She replied.
"What?! That is exactly what a bookshelf is for books. "
"No, the books they look so messy and they colors of the spines don't go with room. Too many errant colors. You can keep them in boxes in the basement."
"But they'd be so much easier to get to and find if they were unpacked on a bookshelf."
"Rachael, if I put your books on the shelves then where am I going to put all the family photos?"
"On the fridge like a regular American."
"And clutter the surface of the fridge? How unseemly. Rachael, you've been breathing too much of that toxic city air. Everyone knows that bookshelves are for pictures and decorative pottery. You don't park on the parkway do you?"

Monday, January 12, 2009

A Day of Mourning

Yesterday the NY Football Giants lost the divisional playoff game to the Philadelphia Eagles. I did all I could to help the Giants.

This season the Giants lost four games. All four game they lost I either didn't watch the game or I watched the game in a bar. The games they won I watched in a residence. It didn't have to be my home it just had to be someone's home. Since I don't have a home of my own currently I trekked out to NJ to watch the game at my parents' house. I had watched other games their this season all had a victorious out come. Unfortunately, this time my watching the game at someone's home didn't work.

I guess it's more important that the offensive players play better and Eli Manning have the ability to throw accurately in windy conditions then where I watch them play. Crazy. It all makes me feel so helpless.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Playoff Time is the Most Wonderful Time of Year

As a comedian it is my duty to point out the difference between men and women. Over the years I have struggled to come up with much. Sure men and women excrete liquid waste through different looking equipment, men tend to be larger than women, men are more likely to go bald, and women birth baby humans, but those are all pretty self-evident. Regular humans don’t need comedians to point those things out.

Feeling dejected. Feeling like I’d never make it as a comedian because of my lack of ability to see the difference between men and women it hit me like a 260 lbs halfback barreling through the offensive line into 230 lbs linebacker. Yes, men and women are fans of American Football in different ways.

My friend Hilary and I were talking about football. She told how she used to follow the sport back when she was in DC, but over the years her interest has faded. Though, she admitted that after seeing a picture of Aaron Rodgers she could find herself interested in the game. I guess her interest in football these days is much like 22 year old boys’ interest in women’s tennis. Back in the day Hilary liked the Denver Broncos because of their great uniforms. “They were bright orange that fabulously shouted, ‘The Broncos are here!’ Now the uniforms are that drab navy.” I had to admit that I’m not much of a Broncos fan. In fact I used to hate the Broncos when I was in high school. The boy I liked in high school was a Denver Broncos fan. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a fan of the idea of dating me. Oh the agony! So of course I always routed against his team on Sundays in hopes they would lose and he would feel just a little bit of the pain and disappointment I felt every school day in English class.

Now, I’m not saying women can only follow cute boys and uniforms. I can identify and define the following: screen passes, delayed hand-offs, delayed blitzes, zone blocking, hitting the gaps, flee flickers, prevent defense, and the like. But I can also identify which guys playing are most likely not to take no for an answer and which ones are in the closet and why the Giants should never wear those red away jerseys again.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Beautiful Dream

Have you ever found yourself so pissed a friend that you want never to associate with the person again? You're filled with rage and dissappointement and you don't see the point of continuing the friendship? So there you are in your bedroom ready to delete this friend from all your online life as a symbolic gesture of how out of your real life he/she is and then you find you can't do it. Because this long time friend is prominently featured in your funeral fantasy and you can't have your funeral fantasy wouldn't be the same without the person.

"Funeral fantasy, Rachael?"

Yes, the funeral fantasy. The scenario of how your funeral would go. For me I die in the prime of my life because it's much more tragic that way. I'm like 35 and dead. Everyone is inconsolably sad. Though, there are spatters of laughter as people remember something hysterically funny I've said, done, or they're conjecturing what I might have said in this situation.

The hall where my body lies in a casket is grand and wooden, but it's not a church or a religious venue. As people are finding seats in meekly walks an exboyfriend or an arch nemesis. And my friend (the one that I want from my life) sees the enemy at the door and tells him off, "Now! Now you show up? Where were you when she was alive? What you want to be part of the drama and tragedy so you can be pitied for having an old girlfriend die so young. Get out of here!" And then my friend takes the podium and gives a moving and humorous speech about how even my faults were really personality attributes. Like how my constantly wanting to write people out of my life "Just made us all better people and better friends. She demanded the best from herself and from all of us." The crowd weeps and shakes their heads knowingly.

And now that beautiful fantasy is shot to shit because some people suck and can't cut the muster in reality. I have no one to defend my honor in death. What kind of life is that to live? To know pity seeking exes will roam free through my funeral, not to mention who is going to edit all my writing and do all the work I never did in life with my own writings so that stuff finally gets published?

People are just so selfish.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Jan 2nd Already? Boy has 2009 Flown by!

Most people spend the weeks leading up to New Years Day planning and plotting their New Years resolutions. Not me. I was too busy living out 2008 to worry how I would improve myself in 2009. I finally made a New Years resolution around 11:30pm December 31st 2008.

After having consumed a gargantuan amount of food---Pork dumplings, meat balls, potato pancakes, salad, ice cream and wine I decided in 2009 I would cease eating. There Dick Clark was staring me in the face trying to still be TV personality when I realized sometimes we have to give up the things we have loved doing for years. Our bodies at some point in time betray us. I used to be able to eat food and not gain a pound unless a grew a couple of inches first, but not these days. Further, I'm tired of the same old same old. You know? Of having to buy food, prepare food, then find the time to eat the food. And then there's all the energy wasted on digesting the food. Which of course you know you need food for the energy to digest the food. Why not cut out the middle man and just not bother with eating?

So 2009 will see this cookie, slimmer, trimmer, more energy effecient and with a ton of more time of my hands now that my life won't have to deal with food consumption.

I'm sure 2009 will be a year to remember. Too bad I won't have any fatty acids left in brain to hold those memories.