Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Type A Enjoyment

Here in the NYC area it has rained what feels like 75 of the last 28 days of June. That's the thing with grey skies and rain it slows the experience of time so that June has felt as if lasted two months instead of one. Rain is depressing. Constant rain is anyway. But you know what's worse? That one or first sunny day after weeks of rain. There is so much pressure.

That one sunny day can mind fuck you good. Because you don't know if this is the only sunny day for another three weeks of rain or the reign of rain has ended. And with that uncertainty comes a lot of pressure. If this is the only sunny day i better go outside and enjoy it. I have to get to the park. I'll skate or bike. But god I'm so tired. I haven't been sleeping well because of the depression by the rain and I am out of shape because I've been in doors for a month. What if I nap in the park the does that count as enjoying the rays and the outdoors? I have work to do too. This sun has come at the most inopportune time.. Well, I guess I can bring my laptop out to the park. Oh dear, i can't read the screen with the sun glaring. I'll write in my journal. And I'll bring a book to read, Reading always feels productive. God all this crap is heavy. But I have to get out there, this might be my only chance to get a tan all summer.

This lone sunny day is making me feel like a failure. I am failing at being merely outside. I'm not getting all I could get out of it. If only it were raining I could stay inside and watch a movie.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

If It's So Dry Where Do They Put The Goo.

Standing in a slow moving line at the grocery store I began to read the label on the back of the, soon to be mine, Pegresso bread canister. To my shock and horror and stupification I read the words, "corn syrup," listed as an ingredient. But they're bread crumbs. They're dry little morsels of bread. There is nothing syrupy about them. How do you get syrup not to be goopy? What is going on with food? How is it the bread crumb industry has surpassed NASA in technological advancements? Pegresso has defied the dry to goo space time food continum. They have broken the gooey barrier. Not only that, but the bread crumbs aren't sweet. They've somehow stripped corn syrup of all it's power. No glop and no sweet. But if corn syrup has no been rendered powerless then...

WHY IS THERE CORN SYRUP IN MY BREAD CRUMBS?!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Leave It to The Markets

So you're having problems with your man. He's not the boyfriend you want him to be. He's become complacent. I think it's time you opened up your relationship to market forces. Right now you have regulated your relationship so that you can go out and date other men. If you deregulate that relationship so that are free to trade love with other men you create competition between your boyfriend and other men. Once he realized there are others wanting the job of boyfriend and he can be fired as boyfriend at anytime watch his performance improve.

Monogamy is very similar to monopoly and when employees have a monopoly on the workforce Industry suffers; just like when you're boyfriend has a monopoly on your affections your relationship suffers. Socialsist will start whining, "But I love him." Fooey. If you really loved him you'd want him to be the best he could be and he's only going to be the best boyfriend if has to compete for the position. Anarchists will bitch, "But I don't want him seeing anyone else." Proving what I've always thought of anarchist they are cowards and have low self-esteem. If you anarchist sissies were all that you wouldn't be scared of a little competition on your side as well.

Remember the best way to deal with life's problems is to let the market and it's forces (similar to that used by Luke Skywalker) create competition. In competition only one person can win and by one person winning we all win.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Two Evils Don't Make a Good

When it comes to traffic and parking violations how should you pay you fines? Should you pay with a credit card? At first glance that seems the best way to get back on the buercrats who towed your car. If you have to pay $200 to get your car back then the tow pound is going to have to pay Citibank a transactional fee to get their $200. It only seems fair. Until you realize that by placing your fine on your credit card you have just provided an evil credit card company with funds, funds that allow them to act as loan sharks for millions of American. Ahhh! What do you do?

Melinda Richards suggests that you put it on your credit card anyway because Citibank didn't tow your car. That's true. And Citibank didn't place confusing park rules signs no where near the part of the block you parked. It's a sad day when our own local govermnent beats a multin-national invest bank/credit card company on who is most evil.

I also think it's funny that credit card companies have ruined millions of lives and investment banks have destroyed our economy and they haven't been given as much as ticket for loitering, in fact they were given billions of dollars, but you accidently park your car in the wrong place at the wrong time, without malice and without trying to screw your neighbor, without greed, you get fined.

God Bless America.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

More Solutions

You know what's wrong with this country, and perhaps western civilization as we know it? "The Golden Rule." The golden rule which were taught to mean, "do unto others as you would have them done unto you." It is the begininng and the end of us. You don't get much more self-centered than this axiom. The golden rule teaches us to have a very narrow view of the world and of the others that inhabit it. It presupposes that we are the same. We are not.

Here's how it works. Bill loves running. Bill runs everyday. Bill's cousin, Jared, has a birthday coming up. Bill says to himself, "You know what I'd love to get for my birthday? Nice new running shoes. I'm going to buy Jared a pair of running sneakers." Jared's birthday arrives he opens up his birthday gift from his cousin and Jared begins to cry and he and his one leg crutch out of the room. If only Bill thought of Jared and not of himself in terms of Jared this could have been avoided.

How about this: a married couple living together get into an argument.
M1: From here on in if you leave you're pappers on the floor or on my desk I'm going to throw them out.

M2: That's bullshit you know I'd never do that to you.

M1: Of course not because I'd never leave my papers on the floor or on your shit.

Here M2 is mad because M2 wants to be treated as M2 treats people. M1 is mad because M1 wants things to be neat and organized and doesn't want to deal with M2's crap everwhere. Both are thinking of themselves but M2 is worse becaues M2 is thinking that M2 is morally higher because M2 is implementing the golden rule. M1 of course is a better person because neatness is the way to go.

Another example of the golden rule failing is in the bedroom. If you treat people the way you want to be treated and you have different fetishes well then, the wrong person's ass will always be slapped during sex. The person who wants the ass slapping will slap his/her partner's ass while the person who doesn't want ass slapping will refrain from the ass slapping. Both parties wind up unhappy.

I say stop treating people the way you want to be treated and start treating them the way they actually want to be treated. In other words just because you love brussel sprouts doesn't mean I should have to eat them at dinner.

Friday, June 12, 2009

I'm Making Great US Policy

I've done it. I've solved three of our major problems. All we have to do is make human sized hamster wheels.

With human sized hamster wheels we will hire humans to run on them to create electricity we need to run our lives and our cars.

This solves three problems. 1)Unemployed people will now have jobs. 2) We no longer will be dependent on foreign oil, and 3) we'll conquer American obesity.

Now all we have to do is build the human sized hamster wheels.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Posers

If North Korea was a student at an international high school, they would be totally called out as posers. They so desperately want to be popular and friends with Iran that North Korean just does whatever Iran does. It's so obvious and sad. You can't just do what other rebel countries are doing and be considered a rebel or even cool. Iran started an illegal nuclear weapons program the next thing you know North Korea has one. So lame. Might as well dye your hair purple North Korea and start listening to the Ramones. Then Iran arrests a female journalist for espionage. A month later North Korea arrests two female journalist. Really, North Korea? Wow, you double the female journalist arrested and now you think you can sit at Iran's lunch table. Paaleease! You need to something big and on your own if you want to be the James Dean of Rebel nations in the modern era. Until then just put your pocket protector back in you in pocket and sit down.

Monday, June 08, 2009

We Grow Up Stupid

For people who have sleep problems, I am one of them, there are steps you can follow, know as sleep hygiene. The list of recommendations is long. After reading them, I wonder what the hell happened to me? Sleeping is something babies can do. They can do it with ease, they can do it all day. How is that grown humans can't perform an action, sleep, that a new born can do?

I blame the public school system. People can sleep before they go to school, but after "The State" has gotten their hands on us, we are too stupid to do something all animals in the animal kingdom an do. Hell, dolphins are so advanced they sleep half a brain at a time.

Humans are dumb.

Friday, June 05, 2009

The Starving Gourmet

In my 31 years on this planet I never related to those stereo-types of women potrayed by the media-- not after my batmitzvah, not after my first period, not after my first kiss, not even after my first time having sex. It wasn't until a few months ago when I moved in with my boyfriend Jack, after a billion years of us dating and him constantly suggesting we make the plunge, that I finally became a women. I women that you see talked about by stand-up comedians, and portrayed on sitcoms, a women that self-help books are marketed to--a real American women.

This has manifested itself in many ways, but I'd like to discuss the sex drive aspect of it. For years I've heard how women don't ever want to have sex and men want it all the time. This statement would have me yelling at the tv, "Women like sex! Women want to have it! Just not with you, chauvinsitic douche bag." And that was true then. I always wanted to have sex. Or so I thought.

You see, when you're single or just dating someone your opportunities for sex are limited, you have to jump at the chance when those chances come along. You could have several broken limbs and limited mobility but if sex is available you're all in. You never what's going to happen. I have had men, several weeks into a relationship, ask me on a date only to break-up with me in person. While, I appreciate the thoughtfulness and respect of telling me to my face and not a text message, I have since learned my lesson you might as well start the date with sex because you never know if you'll still be dating by the end of the evening. Start with dessert becauses there maybe no dinner, and this could be the last chance for chocolate chip cheesecake for months or years to come.

But then you move in with someone. You have a lease together for at least a year, or mortgage for a lifetime and that changes everything. The desperation you thought was your sex drive is gone. You look across the bed and you think, "We could have sex, but I'm tired and have to work tomorrow. Ahh forget it, he'll be here tomorrow, there's no rush. I should get my requisite 9 hours of sleep." 9 Hours! That's crazy right? It wasn't too long ago you were willing to go to work on 3 hours sleep and in the same clothes you were to work the day before.

I guess I learned. I starving person might eat truffles but that doesn't make him a gourmet.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Chose Your Own Adventure: All Lead to Death

The medical establishment along with the US government likes to recommend that we the people should exercise and cut down on our sugar and fat intake. They believe that this will cut down on heart disease. They might be right. But I say so what. I execise. I ride my bike in and around New York City. You know what the gasoline and diseal fumes are not doing my body good. I'm sure lung cancer is on the horizon for me, maybe brain cancer depending on how the pollutants attach themselves to my hemoglobin.

So here's a choice you can either execise out in the polluted world which will raise your heart rate and force you to inhale bigger gulps of toxic air and you can spend your last days on nausea causing chemo that will surely bankrupt you, or you can eat all the delicious desserts you want while watching TV and drop dead of a heart attack. Heart attacks are much cheaper as long as you don't have one in front of other people who could call 911 which will wind you up in an hospital--ouch. Heart attacks also kill much more quickly than Cancer the suffering therefore is less. The key to eating an "unhealthy diet" is to make sure you die of a heart attack before you wind up with diabetes. Losing limbs isn't fun.

**Note: To avoid cancer while maintaining an active lifestyle you must engage in extreme sports with high mortality rates like Mountain Climbing.**