Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Signs of Aging

I'm getting grey these days, which would be fine if only the hair on my chin would turn grey as well. This way no one could see the little suckers.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Two Things People Didn't Know

Today is Veterans Day most Americans know that. But what people don't know is that tomorrow is a lesser known holiday known as a Punch a Banker in The Face Day.

Most people believe that Muslim women cover their faces due to modesty. Not true. It's because men smell. The veil is their last line of defense between the wafting body odor and bad breath of men and their delicate, sensitive noses.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Our Coddled Youth

Rumor has it that all the kids today get trophies just for trying and all the kids are on psych meds. You'll here people my age and older say things like, "Ahh! When I was a kid you had to earn your trophies. And yeah we got picked on, but you nutted up, even if you were a girl, dealt with it. " This is said as if our suffering has made us well adjusted. Listen, I never went to therapy or ever got a trophy I didn't actually win. (Well there was that one karate trophy I won because the other girls got disqualified for hitting me in the head--but hey, man, there are rules.) And you know what I'm a 32 year old woman who sleeps with a night light and 6 foot stick next to her bed. I have a horrible fear of the dark or what adults call insomnia. I've traveled 1900 miles to "run into" fella.

I know another person who never had any Riddlein on a child. He never got undeserved praise or trophies. That person was Hitler. Sure he was a highly motivated man who got a lot done, but think about how things could have been different if someone just once said to little Adolf, "That's a great picture you painted. I think you're special for trying."

When we got our panties in a bunch about how ridiculous today's children are raised just remember that at one point in history there were old folks bemoaning the youth they saw before them, "Acch! These kids have it so easy. They all go to school every day. When I was a kid you worked in a factory and lost a limb or two limbs. You couldn't read but god damn it your could earn."

And trust me these kids today don't have it so easy. With all the hormones that are in the food they ingest these kids are getting their periods at 5 and 6 years old, and that's just the boys. Think about how hard it is to learn how to use a maxi-pad while learning to potty train. I know in our day we were potty trained by 2 years old, but the kids today all have autism.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Greed is Good

What have we learned this week? That the rich will almost always win, even when the world hates them.

The Yankees won their 27th championship, thanks to the seemingly infinite resources of the Yankees organization; and, Michael Bloomberg won his 3rd term for mayor, even though voters didn't want any one mayor for more than two terms.

So to succeed one must work hard, get lucky and most importantly be obscenely wealthy.

Here's to me winning the lottery if only I had enough money to buy enough tickets to tip the odds in my favor.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Such a Work Ethic

Yesterday the radio show "All Things Considered" did a piece about people getting jobs via Twitter. One woman interviewed, who found a job by networking on Twitter, said, "Twitter is a real merritocracy. People can see you're twittering all day and really working hard on your tweets. When they see that they know you're working hard."

Really? I thought they could see that you were goofing off all day on twitter. In fact I suggest that being on facebook or myspace or twitter all day is the exact opposite of working hard all day. Sure spending ours on those sites you feel like you've done something, but in the end you're not showered, dinner isn't on the table, you haven't updated your resume. Hell, you haven't even finished reading the romance novel on your night stand.

Adulthood

I look at my life at 32 and I don't know how I got here. When I was a child was this what I imagined? Well, no. I didn't have a clear vision of my future. As a child I had a horrible fear I would end up a dentist. Not that there is anything wrong with being a dentist, but I wanted to be a comedian, I didn't want to be a dentist. In my youth I loved looking at my teeth in the mirror. I spent minutes about minutes (perhaps not hours and a time) examining them. I thought somehow this fascination with my own teeth would lead down a slippery slope to dental school and then a dental practice. My nights were spent under the covers trying to figure out how to avoid this horrible fate I felt I was destined for.

It turns out an obsession with one's own teeth isn't an indication of dental interest but self-interest. In the end it looks like I was indeed destined to be a performer. Too bad, I could have used the money and stabilty of a dental practice.