Thursday, March 25, 2010

Violent Death Worse Than Dirt

Yesterday, I was unable to shower due to the fact that someone from outside my apartment was probably going to kill me. I don't know who that someone was, but he or she was possibly out there and was ready to thwart my front door and kill me. If my roommates had been home I would have had a line of defense to protecting me during my vulnerable shower time.

A collegue suggested that people are usually killed by someone they know and I was more likely to be murdered by my roommates. That might be true. However, I feel I could "take" my roommates in combat even with soap in my eyes while standing on slippery, tub surface. You, the reader, now ask, "How would these two provide a line of defense if they were home while you were showering?" The answer: A stranger only knows that there are two men in the apartment, one a black man the other over 6 feet tall. The outsider having not had the opportunity to actually get to know my roommates would have to go on a snap judgement and stereo-types and not on the intimate knowledge I have of them. Further, the two would probably work together to protect the apartment, while only one would likely want to kill me at any given time.

Another question is what if while your roommates are home your apartment is stormed by bandits and not a single criminal working alone? Answer: Our apartment is not in South America where people like to work in teams of bandits when committing criminal acts. Instead it's in the USA, home of the rugged individual including those US citizens whose life's calling is to murder me in the shower.

So as you can see there was no way I could have showered, yesterday, while alone in the apartment.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Perhaps I'm Still Too Young for 60minutes

So I found myself watching 60minutes this past Sunday? Why? Because I like to be informed. Alright, I can't even keep a straight face typing that. Well, I was home constructing chicken puppets for a dozen 2nd graders. In order to keep myself from hurling myself out of my 6th floor window I decided to put on the television to escape my arts and crafts nightmare. Unfortunately, I do not have cable and 60 Minutes was the only palpable reality TV on at the time.

My question to you is, "Has Andy Rooney ever been relevant or in touch with what is actually going on in the world?" His fix for the recession was that people start becoming plumbers. According to him there is a ton of work to be done out there, but too many people have advanced degrees and feel that being a plumber is beneath them and won't apply to be one. What? I bet you any of the 20somethings out there with crazy college debt working at Starbucks would be happy to work as plumber making at least $60,000 a year instead of just over minimum wage. I wonder what is stopping them? Hmmm. Oh I bet plumbing was offered at 8:00am and these lazy, snobby kids slept through plumbing 101, and electrician 102. How will they ever get in the union now?
Of course Andy Rooney took his college degree and he didn't go into working with his hands. He didn't work at a factory, though for his generation that was actually possible. No, he became an elitist effete journalist. Why does he get to follow is his dreams but the rest of us should get off our high horses?

Apparently, despite my greying hair and my ever rocketship ride through my 30s I'm still not old enough to truly comprehend 60 minutes. Well, there's a bright side.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Return of My Best Friend Anna

So Anna and I were hanging the other day catching up. Right in the middle of us discussing Amy Adam's ability to act well enough to trascend her high pitched voice right as I was about to use Sunshine Cleaning as an example, Anna blurts out, "I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you can be in a relationship. As much as I want one I don't know that I could give up the flirting. The talking to cute boys in bars and the excitedly waiting for emails in my inbox. The hope of a future with someone. The running through of all the possibilities of fun."

"Anna, I'm not dead. I can still flirt."
"Sure, but then wouldn't you feel horribly guilty that you wasted some poor single boy's time? A boy who is just looking for love and the right girl and of course the emotional betrayl to Jack."
"Um. What boys are you talking about."
"Then of course, Rachael, you're ego would be crushed when he didn't email."
"Wait! What? How would I feel guilty and then crushed? And who said he wouldn't email. I'm sure this boy just looking for love wouldn't be completely smitten with me whether or not I had a boyfriend. Listen missy, just because you're single life is riddled with rejection doesn't mean that my hypothetical adulterous life is!"

And then we started talking about how The Proposal wasn't bad.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

But It's What We Do Best

Earlier this week concerns about how to keep Asian Coy from populating American Great lakes was reported. Umm. Really? Isn't that what humans do best? Hunting or fishing a species to extinction. You don't see Wooly Mammaths walking around this continent anymore do you? And we can thank the Clovis people. I'm just saying I don't think this should be a pressing issue. I think we can handle the Asian Coy like we've handled like the spotted owl. Unless Asian Coy or the subway rats of the lake. Then we're fucked.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Nuclear Winter

More and more countries have the bomb. It's scary. However, I'm comforted by the fact that when I die in a nuclear holocaust so will all the rats and mice of NYC. Part of me thinks that's worth it.