Sunday, May 30, 2010

A lot Competiton on Defensive End

There are many economists and politicians who like to espouse that free market competition is the best thing ever! These people we need competition for a healthy economy and a healthy nation. Perhaps. I don't know. What I do know is about sports and about children (sure I'm not good with kids but working with them 9 hours a week for six months you get to know them.)

Have you ever seen kids compete? I have. Because I make them do relay races in an effort to tire them out so I don't have to hear how bored they are. Also relay races are easy to explain than the improvisational concept of "yes and." You know what these kids do in a relay race? They cheat. They half-ass their duck walks, they don't do the requisite push-ups, and they run instead of skip. They don't care about integrity they just want to win. Sometimes I give incentives to winning like "The losing team has to do 10 push-ups" or "The winning team gets clean the desks with dangerous spray chemicals." (Hey kids love cleaning.) But even if I don't give an incentive these kids still cheat to win. Does that sound like any company you know that might have had it's mine collapse on 23 of its employees or a company that puts estrogen in the source of our drinking water?

Next you have sports. Unlike children I love sports. Recently the NY Giants drafted something like three defensive ends. They already have like 20 defensive ends. They're hoping to get the best out of the defensive ends they have by creating competition with the rookies. You know what happened the veterans began to pout. One is pretending he has a hip problem. Yeah. One might say they're acting like children.

Meanwhile, around the league-- oh hell in all of professional sports from cycling to baseball to curling-- professional athletes use steroids. The problem with steroids is that no one really knows the long term effects of steroids on the human body because those studies aren't really allowed funding. Despite the lack of information these people take all kinds of steroids and performing enhancing drugs even though they don't know what will happen to their own body. Why? Because they want to win and sign big contracts and endorsement deals. So if a person, who is a professional competitor, doesn't care about what happens to his/her body why would some entity like BP or Goldman Sachs care what happens to you? Or even to their shareholders.

Now, I'm not writing that I don't love freedom and want to see it ended, on the contrary, I love freedom. I hate people telling me what to do. Like that stupid crossing-guard at the school. She tells me I can't park my bike on the side of the street where the school is located. Why? Because the children may trip. You’re kidding me. I'm not parking my bike on the steps of the school, It’ll be locked to street sign. If the kids trip on my bike it’ll be because they walked into a street sign. The real reason the children will trip is because they're uncoordinated, little blobs who can't tie their shoes. Ridiculous.

What I am saying is that just like baseball players corporations should be made to pee in a cup. But unlike baseball the test results shouldn't be easy to fake. AND! I shouldn't have to pee in a cup because I do not play defensive end (I’m just a smidge too small) or pour toxins into drinking water.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

One Day I'll be a Crazy Old Person

Several decades from now, if I haven't killed myself with my mass consumption of butter, I'll be an old lady telling a room full of one-eyed, autistic children how in my day slick mammals swam through the sea. We called them dolphins. They were like fish except they were warm blooded and really smart. Some people could talk to them and they helped the Navy fight against nuclear missiles. Little deformed children would look at me and emotionally inappropriately scream at me, "LIAR! Rar."

I'd tell them no. I'm not a liar. This was way back when, when I was a young woman. Back when most people had two eyes, humans looked pretty much the same with the same number of toes, fingers, heads and what not, and people could empathise with each other.

The children would start banging their heads on the floor and start crying, "Dolphins, no. Wierdo. Dolphins lie, raaar!" And that's when I'd realize that unicorns must have existed at some point, we probably just hunted them out of existence. I'd get up from the group of children and head to the drugstore. I'd have come down with a little case of the cancer and I need to get some Bayer over the counter "Cancer b Gone."

The children will think I'm crazy but i'll know that dolphins once swam in the sea and they slept with a half a brain at a time so they wouldn't drown.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My Open Thank You Letter

Dear BP,

I'd like to thank you whole heartedly for doing what I by law am not allowed to do, name punish the annoying children I deal with daily. You see, BP, I like you have made some poor judgements. I decided, despite a normally functioning intellect, to pursue a career in "the arts." By doing so I've had to take a number of stupid low paying jobs. Most recently, I have acted as an after-school, arts teacher for young children. Children, most of whom are horrible. They hit each other say horrible things to one another, they have no intellectual curiosity, they are undisciplined just miserable.

Unfortunately my hands are tied by the law in ways I can punish the kids or get them to listen. I'm not allowed to hit them, call them names, send them to the corner, make them do push-up (which by the way is good for them), I can't shoot them. Nothing. So thank you, BP, because now these little fuckers will never know the joys of going to the beach for recreation. They won't be able to go swim in the ocean or eat fish, or sun bathe on the sands of the Atlantic or Gulf Coasts.

I of course will miss my time at the beach now that your oil that has spilled into the ocean has started journeying on the loop current. But, I have had 32 years going to the beach, I even have pictures that I can use to jog my memory when old age hits or when brain damage sets in from the random chemicals I have injested.

Soon beaches all up the Atlantic coast will be ruined and these kids will finally be punished. Bravo. Well done. You should be applauded and awarded by all those who have to watch others' children.

Sincerely,

Hoping to die of a heart attack before the cancer gets me.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A New Angle on the Same Supposition

So what's wrong with this country? Why are we in the shitter? Simple. We're a nation of immigrants.

You see what are immigrants but people who left their struggling, oppressed communities to make it for themselves. "Yeah the British really are sticking it to us with the potato famine, good luck with supposed friends and family, I'm on the next ship out of here! Of course I'll write, suckers!"
"Wow, you're right, uncle Sergio, this Italian government of ours is really corrupt. Yeah, you should definitely stick around and try to reform it so all Italian people may one day prosper. Me? I'm going to America. I'll send money back for the cause. Later, sap!"

You get the picture. People who couldn't cut it or people who felt no sense of family obligation or sense of community. My point immigrants suck.

Now, unlike most artist I actually have a solution. We all get sent back to our countries of origin. Of course for many of us who are interbred this is a minor problem. But all we have to do is come up with a way to seperate out our varying ethnic genes and/or draw and quarter ourselves and then figure out a way to make the independent pieces of ourselves to live whole lives where we came from. Then no more sociopathic immigrants ruining it for the 3 Native Americans left and the spotted owl.

Don't say I never did anything for humanity.

Monday, May 17, 2010

United We Eat

There is so much talk about our differences in this country: Red state vs Blue, City vs Rural, Gay vs Straight, Stupid vs Me. Enough already. I believe there is something we can all get behind that is fried dough. Everywhere in America fried dough is consumed, whether you call it funnel cake, zepoli, elephant ears or simply fried dough. It's a food even vegetarians can eat if it's fried in corn oil instead of lard. It's eaten by the Kosher keepers and the Hallal diners. It's eaten by blacks and whites, short people and tall people. Hell even dumb ass vegans can eat it (you can make dough without eggs).

Yes, my fellow Americans we are one people. A group of people who love their dough fried and coated in sugar and that is the sweetest thing of all.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Ruby Ridge 'em!

I don't know if you guys have heard but there is this huge oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. Apparently, an oil well has gone awry and BP oil company can't stop it from spewing enviromentally unfriendly oil into our waters. According to some reports, such as the NY Times, the regulators told the oil companies and their subcontractors to make the oil well safer. The oil companies said, "Oh don't worry about it. What we have in place will be fine. An oil spill is soooo unlikely." And the regulators were like, "Really? This doesn't seem that safe. Norway doesn't it do it this way." "Come on. It's fine. Norway. Please. The drill in ice we're in the gulf." And then you know what the regulators did they said, "OK. If you guys say so." WHAT?!

I have a new idea about regulating big business who's practices threaten our well being. Use guns. You know how we do when someone is stock piling weapons. FBI agents didn't go down to Dave Koresh's compound, talk to him, and when he said, "Don't worry about it, these guns are just for fun. Nothing bad is going to happen. I mean, I'm Jesus the lord and savior for crying out loud I'm goodness." The FBI didn't say, "Oh OK." What the did was get the ATF and their fire power and stormed the bastille.

When the dude who set up a car bomb in time square last week was arrested do you think the cops went in with a pencil and clipboard or they busted down his door and put thier feet on his chest. And this guy showed the same ineptitude at building something that works as BP.

This spill is going to hurt a great deal more people and more industry than 911, not to mention other creatures, granted arent' US citizens, but haven't done anything to warrant an attack on their home, much like Czechslovakia in the 1930s and we brought guns to that fight.

So next time some company doesn't want to follow regulations you go get your state troopers bust down the door to all their office and CEO, COO, CFO, and board members homes and you arrest the lot of them get a paddy wagon you used in the 60s to take in hundreds of Vietnam protestors and civil rights activits. You service those paddy wagons up and fill them with these employees and have them start talking. Anyway who is defying regulation lock'em up. Or better yet just set the buildings on fire.

And you know what's great in BP's case they're British, some i'm sure we can military tribunal them, and torture them. Let's get on it.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Charity Begins at Home

Support gay marriage! Keep divorce lawyers fed.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I'm not Subsidizing Your Life

This weekend I hosted my 11 year old cousin. Let me tell you she's a little communist. At one point we went for ice cream. She ordered chocolate ice cream in a waffle cone. Then she didn't pay for it. She looked at me as if I were to pay for it. I asked her, "Where's your money?"
"I don't have any?"
"Don't you work?"
"No."
"So I'm supposed to subsidize your lazy ass just because I make more money than you?"
She just shrugged her shoulders and the man behind the counter looked like he was about to call the cops on her. If she go arrested I probably would have to give back the money our aunt gave me to watch her.
Later we were in the book store and she wanted a book. I said to her, "Explain to me again why you don't have a job and think you're entitled to stuff."
"I don't know. I'm not allowed to get a job."
"That's ridiculous everyone is America is allowed to work this isn't some fascist state where only the Polish work."
"They said in school that kids used to work but now they can't because it's bad for us."
"That's just propaganda spread by your socialist teachers. If you had a job then you wouldn't be in school. If you're not in school they don't have anyone to teach, then they'll be outside bookstores begging for me to subsidize their reading habits."
"Oh."
"Oh is right."
Does she really think working is bad for you? Corporations have the best interests of their employees at heart. Of course companies can't account for the stupidity of their workers. Kids working in factories we're obviously goofing off. If they hadn't been they might have been able to keep those arms and toes. The kids today just lazy hippies.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Why Aren't You Crying? I'm Crying!

These days everyone seems to hate teachers and their Unions. That's fine. I don't have fond memories of most my teachers either. Unfortunately, people seem to hate teachers because they get really good health insurance fully paid, a pension, and thing called tenure. I understand that the real reason people are mad about all these great benefits is because they have to pay for them with their property taxes. Fine. But can we just say that. Instead of the ridiculous reason given, "In my job I have to contribute to my health insurance, and I don't get a pension, and if I screw up at my job I get fired, there's no tenure." Great, and while you're at it why don't you outlaw ice cream because you're lactose intolerant.

Why do you want everyone to be miserable and suffer? Just because your life is shit why should everyone else's life be shit? Instead, why don't you become a teacher if you think they have it so good? Or why don't you unionize? Use that computer in your cube and the colored paper in your company's supply closet and start printing out leaflets. Threaten to strike if you don't get fully paid health-benefits, a pension, and tenure. And while your striking try asking for your summers off.

If you don't like those options well I guess you can become a cop, a firefighter, or a unionized factory worker. There is also always nursing since you like watching suffering.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Correlation is not Causation. Or it is in Reverse.

There was an article on MSN last week stating that people who lack personal relationships (such as romantic partners and friends) are more likely to be depressed. This of course is not the first time I've heard this hypothesis. Basically if you don't have friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend you're going to be depressed.

I wonder is that the case? Or is the reverse true, people who are depressed can't make friends and can't get laid.

"Hey depressive friend Claira, do you want hang out this weekend?"
"Sure."
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. How about you come over and we sit in my room with the shades drawn? We could brainstorm on the quickest ways to kill ourselves."
"Really Claira? We did that last week. That's what you always want to do."
"Alright. We could read Slyvia Plath poetry."
"How are we supposed to see the book with the shades drawn?"
"Yeah, you're right. I'm so stupid. I have no right breathing. Ugh. It's all so hard. I can't do this anymore."
"Alright, well. that's my other line. I have to take this call."
"Yeah, you should."

How is depressive Claira supposed to find a date if she's constantly bursting into tears. Say she finally gets herself out of the house and to a bar then what?
"Claira, nice to meet you."
"You too Pat, oh god! Wah Wah Wah."
"Oh my god! What's wrong?"
"It's wah...sniff...um...do you have a tissue? Wah. It's this song."
"It's just Tupac."
"I know and he's dead. Wah wah wah. And if he's not dead could you imagine having to hide out like that when you have talent and future. It's so sad."
"Right. Um. I think I have to go wash my hair."

I'm just saying maybe depressed people don't have friends because depression makes you unfriendable.