Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Not All Lies Are Created Equally

I heard on news radio last night that upon further inspection of the chicken coops producing the tainted eggs was grotesque. Rodent holes, sick chickens ranging free while the other chickens are trapped in cages unable to flee the sick chickens, chickens living in their own filth. I thought to myself too bad the CEO of the egg company hadn't lied to congress about steroid use. If only the CEO of BP had suspiciously passed Hank Aaron's home run record this summer.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Maybe It's What You Do Not Who You Are

Last week in NYC a man allegedly got in a cab, made offensive, anti-Muslim remarks, and then attacked the cab driver with a knife. I wonder if this is what really happened. I propose the dude attacked the cab driver because the cab driver is a cab driver and we know how those people are. I think it went something like this. The assailant was riding his bike down 2nd avenue when the cab driver cut the assailant off forcing him into a car. This of course not being the first time our assailant was almost killed by a cab while riding his bike, so now he's pissed. He finds his balance and chases down the cab driver. Filled with rage, and perhaps concussed from his encounter with the park car (which is why the cops thought he was drunk) he stabs and slashes the cab driver.

The cab driver being a cab driver doesn't want to take responsibility for his reckless driving makes up this defamation story. Why wouldn't some crazed white person attack a Muslim for merely being Muslim? Look how crazed some in the city are over some Islamic Community center. However, there is a big hole in his story. The white guy started talking shit about Ramadan. Really? And white people who aren't Muslims have actually ever heard of this holiday? Yes, racists and bigots are just so multi-cultural and knowledgeable. Please. Nice try, Menace to Our Roads.

You wonder if this is how it happened, where is the white dude's bike? Simple it was stolen when he got off the bike to attack the cabby. Bike thieves are everywhere which is why the guy was carrying a knife to begin with. You never know when you are going to happen upon someone chiseling away at your bike lock and of course if you catch someone in the act of stealing your bike you must stab him/her until he/she is dead dead dead.

I'm just saying if the guy wanted to stab a Muslim why wouldn't he just wait outside a mosque and follow the weakest one home?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Sporting News

There are big sports stories in the news these past couple of weeks. The first story is of course Roger Clemens being indicted on perjury charges. I guess congress thinks the dude took steroids. Many from the public are up in arms about Roger's use. One argument goes something like, "What kind of role model are you for children, Roger? Now student athletes are going to use steroids. Think about the children." I would be all behind this argument if parents seemed to give a shit that the cows they feed their children are also on performance enhancing drugs. The milk served with cookies comes from cows that cheat. Why hasn't Bessie been brought before the some house subcommittee and grilled? (Pardon the pun.) What kind of example does she set for farm animals all over America? Hell, the chickens have already started on them as well. And let's not forget the water supply. Yes, the water supply once thought to be the Ken Griffey Jr. of substances we ingest is filled with hormones and other crap that may or may not enhance the performance of water. There is water in Pennsylvania that you can light on fire, yes it's quite a spectacle and boy does it rake in the money, but what about the purity of the game.

And, when Bessie uses performing enhancing drugs, unlike Roger Clemens, it is almost certain that your kids will do them. Just look your 9 year old son has breasts. Great he has a head start on his tranny prostitute career. But shouldn't he have a childhood first? He has his whole life to be a tranny prostitute or a chick with a dick.

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Meanhwile the Jets have yet to renegotiate their star corner back's, Darrell Revis, contract. First, all Revis you have a contract you are invoilation of it by not reporting to practice. I think maybe Darrell should have read watched more Oprah and learned to think more positively of himself. If he had he would have thought himself a winner from day one and demanded to be paid like a winner. When will men stop fearing TV for women? They could learn so much. Secondly, why is it the very wealthy who refuse to take a wage cut. US wages have been stagnating for 30 years now yet the owners of the Jets (and the rest of the NFL ownership) refuse to take a pay cut. Just pay your corner back his money and sell one of your yahts or planes. It's a recession we all have to tighten our belts and you should not be an exception.

Speaking of rich people not wanting to spend the massive amounts of money they have what's the deal with Jets and Giants forcing their fans to pay of a new stadium none of them asked for. I never heard anyone complain about the old stadium, yes they complained frequently about the players that played in them but not the stadium itself. So why don't you guys just pay of your own stadium? You wanted it. I want to go to Peru I'm not going to get someone to pay for my Peru vacation. If that means owenership has to move from some mansion or penthouse in an exclusive neighborhood to Newark, NJ well, as the working in this country know sacfrices have to be made. And to the fans who paid for those personal seat liscences I think you might have a sports addiction. However, I hope you can make all that money back this season by successfully handi-capping the games.

Monday, August 09, 2010

I can't spell his name but he's still a dick

This morning I heard that the president of Iran Ahmed Yadda Yadda A Jan has decided to ban some rock and roll like Pink Floyd. Just like a baby boomer. You know mister ant-free speech there has been music written after 1975. So now Iranian living in Canada are protesting by playing Pink Floyd's dark side of the moon. Couldn't the president ban some lesser known artists like the Apples in Stereo? Those guys could use the publicity. Next he'll ban the Jackson 5. Not Michael the solo artist because that happened after baby boomers started having his own kids. The man is no better than Bill Clinton with his unnecessary publicity of Fleetwood Mac.

It turns out that no matter what country you live in
baby boomers are all the same, musically self-involved wind bags. All I have to say is that Sonic Youth's bassist and guitarist got together in the1980s and not only are they still married their relationship didn't ruin the band. I don't think Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks can say the same thing.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

My Mind Is All Powerful

It was a amazing the other day I had to drive from Brooklyn to NJ. I was hoping to get to NJ in time to buy a sandwich from my favorite sandwich shop. Unfortunately, the sandwich shop closes at 3pm. The clock on my dresser showed that it was 1:30pm. I knew there was no way I was going to make it in time. I was sad, but headed out the door anyway, as I had other business in NJ to attend to. The eggplant sandwich is good but not so good that I would be traveling all the way to Parsipanny just for the sandwich. I had the slimmest of hope that maybe I'd get there with enough time. Those hopes were quickly dashed as I drove towards the light of NJ through the Holland Tunnel. Bam! Traffic. Bad awful traffic.

It was then that I realized I was a magical wizard. If I had truly believed in my heart that I could make it to an Eggplant sandwich there would have been no traffic. My negative thoughts created construction or an accident for some poor sap. My negativity was able to change matter. If I had though positively all the people who live in the most densely populated state in the country would have evaporated from existence.

I love being a magical powerful wizard. I will now will my tomato plants to produce more tomatoes.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Women Have Ruined the World

Financial crisis. Oil spills. Dumb ass wars. Even dumber ass politicians. Why?

Simple women have long been sleeping with the wrong men. Yes, the theme for most romantic comedies is actually the reason the world is the shit whole it has become. If women looked at all those douche bag CEO's and said, "Eww." The same way women say "Eww" to homeless men hitting on them, the world would be a better place. What a different world it would be if women looked at a man who doesn't put in place needed safety regulations the same way she looks at a dude who mows lawns we'd be a better society. If you can't get laid you're not going to stop the behavior that is infringing on your sex life. That or you'll kill yourself. Either way America wins.

Start giving it up to men who do charitable works. Start opening your legs to those who call you back when they say they're calling you back. Start ignoring people who trade in derivatives. Please keep dating really attractive guys. Stop dating ugly ones just because he's rich. Oh and when you yourself embark on a career stop acting like the socio-paths you've married.

If women had better taste in men, the world would be cleaner and fairer.