Monday, September 27, 2010

Call The Wild. Will It Accept the Charges?

Have you ever been hiking with your boyfriend and just kind of hope that a bob cat comes along and eats your boyfriend? Because it's not like you're going to break-up with him. You don't want to have to worry about if that was the right or wrong decision. What if it turns out after you break up you realize you actually like him. No, no no. That won't do, too much heartache. And you don't want him breaking up with you because rejection sucks. The bob cat in the woods is really the only answer to your relationship problems. This way, you're not dating anymore. You get a couple of excused days off from work, and maybe his father will help with the rent for a month. There is no way is father is contributing any money towards your rent if you guys break up.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Sometimes You Just Have to Try

So for the last two weeks I've been attempting to create a podcast. I was hoping to launch by the first game of the regular NFL season, but since I have absolutely no experience in podcasting my production crew and I had some over runs with cost and time. Not cost.

So here is the first episode of Football Laces a football podcast. It is too be amusing but not yet hysterical. Gentle constructive criticism is welcome, harsh and blunt criticism is not. I'll have a link to the podcast site shortly. For now here is episode 1, "Black Cats, Stepping on Cracks, Breaking the Other Guy's Quarterback."


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

In the Words Of 80s Rock Legends Cinderella

Many of us are still out of work and the cries from the people to government are, "We need jobs. Jobs now!" I think it's kind of funny people are demanding jobs when they never liked the jobs they did have. It's kind of like being in a bad relationship. When you're in one all you do is bitch.

"God I hate my job. Job is so momentous, same thing day in and day out. It's so demanding. It never listens. Where is my me time? We always have to do what the job wants. And God forbid I look at porn?" But then a recession hits and you lose your job, it's as if your job has broken up with you. "No, baby, come back. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry baby. I'll do whatever you want. I'll spend time with you on the weekends. I'll wake up early to be by your side, I'll do it all for a fraction of what I used to do it for. Come on sugar, what you say? It's so cold and lonely here without you. Literarily, it's freezing I can't afford heat with you. "

And when you can't get your old job back you start asking friends to set you up with whatever skank or loser they know. "Do you have an in at McDonalds. I'll fry cook it up. Or I'll go down in the coal mines. I'm desperate. I haven't worked in over a year. The only person to touch my bank account is me."

To summarize, “You don't know what you got until it's gone.”

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sports Update

Mark Sanchez, quarterback for the NY Jets, made the statement "I just told the guys to have fun. We're men playing a kids game." To which sports commentator Mike Francessa said, "I still don't like that. It's too philosophical." Wow. Now, I'm trying to remember which philosopher said that. It wasn't Nietzsche. It was Kant. Oh wait I think it was Mike D. from the philosophical school of the Beastie Boy. Yes, her wrote the treatise on fighting for your right to party. Oh no, or was it that great thinker Cindy Lauper and her ground breaking work on women and just wanting fun. I always get them confused. But yeah, Mike is right you don't want to get too heady in football.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Don't Judge Me by My Cover. It's Dangerous.

So I was on the subway last night. Yes, I was slumming on the mass transit, I had writing and reading to do. I sat in the car with my messenger bag next me. Across from me was a black young sprawling his right leg over nearly half the bench. During our journey a person gets on the train and asks me to move my bag so he can sit. They didn't ask the black guy. Why? because this person was clearly racist and feared talking to a black man. But they see me, a small, white woman and think I'll comply. I moved my bag, let him sit down, and then I stabbed him. I had to prove that stereo-types weren't truth. The sprawling black guy, I think, was on the same page as me because as my victim bled out the black kid started screaming in hysterics, flailing his arms about, and then he fainted.

Yeah, women don't just use poison anymore to get their point across.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

If I Knew Book Burning Was So Popular I Would Have Done it Years Ago.

Some untalented hack down in Florida is getting national press. I even know his name Pastor Jones. The country can't stop talking about him and he hasn't even done anything yet. He plans to burn the Koran. How does anyone care? I have spent 8 years doing comedy working hard, writing jokes, rewriting jokes, begging for stage time, suffering through open mics, making tapes of my set sending out press kits, producing shows and worst of all schmoozing. And this yahoo comes along and in days the country knows all about his act, which he hasn't even performed yet.

Who is this man's publicist? How much does he/she cost? Is it about insulting people? I do that all the time. I wrote a song and made a music video called "Punch a Banker in the Face." Not one word from the press. Not one banker made a death threat or went whining to the media or the cops or to some politician they own. Should I have written the song "Burn a Banker in the Face?" How hard is it to burn a book any asshole can do that. I had to learn how to use Logic Pro to record my song. I had to organize a group of people to come over to my apartment to record the song. This is NYC do you know what people's schedules are like? How hard is to clear your own schedule for a few minutes to burn a book? Not hard you don't have to buy anyone beer. Then I had to schedule other people to come and be in the video and help me shoot the video. I don't have budget.

And for all my hard work what has it gotten me? I get to perform in the Village tonight for two maybe three of my relatives. If I just went to Roshashana dinner I could have performed for more of them and gotten dinner. So if you're not busy, but of course you are, I'll be at the Zinc Bar on w. 3rd street at 8pm tonight. If that doesn't interest you what if I promise to burn the by laws of Goldman Sachs while I'm on stage. Hey that has to violate a fire code or something. Did I mention I'm a minister?

Oh and I'm sure the Rev Jones doesn't proof read either.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Labor Day Traditions

Yesterday, I spent my Labor Day in the traditional manner. I woke up around noon and went down to an exclusive country club, where I captured me one of those big wig, fat cat CEOs. I always hope to get an owner of a coal mine or a big investment bank, but those devils are slippery and you have to take what you can get--similar to a job, a guess. After I get a CEO I drag him/her on down to the arts center where the kids are waiting for me for their Labor Day fun arts project. Some years we bronze our trophy. Some years we just build a canoe and tie him/her to the mast and set sail on the nearest body of water. Tying a human being to a mast of canoe teaches children all types of science and math lessons. Canoes don't normally have masts, and if they were to have a mast they don't normally have the added weight of grown human tied to it. Therefore, design is important. But most years we just have the children cover the captive in paper mache`. The kids love painting the business tycoon in fabulous colors. Then we bring him/her down to the AFL-CIO Labor Day Picnic and let the union guys and gals have fun with the humongous pinata. The funniest part is when a person falls out of the pinata instead of candy and the laborers have this horrible look of disappointment on their faces. But, before they can start picketing the kids and I start handing out beers and Hershey bars.

Ah yes, Labor Day is so much fun. I love America!

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Contracts Don't Do it.

I know the six readers I have these days are not sports fans, but well, I have to be me. Many in the NYC metro area who do follow sports are upset at the Jets and their cornerback Darrell Revis for not finalizing a new contract. I say wait a minute. Has it occurred to any of you that perhaps both parties are being smart seeing as how we're in a Mercury retrograde right now. And as any astrologer will tell you a Mercury retrograde is no time to be signing contracts. It's a time for reflection, for editting (don't worry I won't let that get me started) and research. I've been told by countless astrologers that contracts entered into during a Mercury retrograde are regretted once Mercury goes direct.

Unfortunately Mercury doesn't go direct until September 12th which is the first day of the 2010 NFL season. Good news is that the Jets don't play until Monday night September 13th. So maybe they can get the contract done Monday morning before the game starts Monday night.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Virginia Slims

This past weekend I performed at a show where the host was a gay, Arab-American. He told the audience that when he goes to the airport he really "gays" it up to avoid being taken out of line and questioned before boarding the plane. I thought to myself wow, the Gay Civil Rights movement has really come a long way. Homophobia is nowhere near Arabphobia. Americans rather be judged on what they are wearing on the plane by the person next to them than sit there thinking they might have to be a hero because all they want to do is watch "Meet The Fockers 4" and take a nap. You've really made it, ladies.