tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-119429722024-03-13T00:52:03.235-04:00Smallhands IckTypo--laden comedic brilliance of one Rachael Parenta
(misspelled Rachel Parenta)rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.comBlogger1070125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-39118448582772344172018-10-14T18:10:00.001-04:002019-08-16T12:44:46.481-04:00That's Not How That WorksNY Giants beat writer, Pat Leonard, sure has it out for the Giant's quarterback Eli Manning. I'm guessing Pat is sitting at home writing how if only Eli Manning played better the Yankees would still be in the post season. It's Manning's mediocrity that sets the tone for all NY sports play. You think Stanton would have choked like that if Manning were more of an inspiration? <br />
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Look, I'm sure Pat has his reasons. Perhaps Manning murdered Pat's entire family. Unfortunately, the story hasn't made the news because the NY Daily News doesn't have any reporters left after firing all of them earlier this year. If so, I send my deepest sympathies to Pat Leonard.<br />
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Now, I'm not usually motivated to come to the defense of millionaires, but Pat Leonard went too far last week when he wrote that the one constant for the Giants sucking is Eli Manning. Dude, that's not how science works. In fact that's the opposite of how science works. It must be all things are constant to test one variable at a time. When you want to test a hypothesis, in this case Eli Manning is the worst quarterback to ever play professional football, you have to create a repeatable situation where everything is constant but one thing. So you'd have to have all the same players (which they don't) playing at the same time on the same field against the same players at the same time of day. And once you can do that then you can trade out Eli for all sorts of quarterbacks and see how they play. Now my loyal readers (AKA bots from Uzbekistan) are saying to themselves, "Rachael that's never a thing." Right if sports were just nothing but constants sports gambling would not be an industry.<br />
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I didn't learn this thing about the scientific method working in the Physics Department of one of the oldest Universities in the United States, who by the way has a god awful football team. No, I learned it in an American, public, middle school, so it's not a complicated concept. Maybe Pat Leonard will retort with economists create models with multiple variables all the time. Yes, they do and they have a terrible track record of predicting the future, much like astrologers who also do a great deal of math and have failed at predicting the future.<br />
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Let's take the 2007 NFL season. The Patriots were undefeated going into week 17. They played the Giants at Giant Stadium on a Saturday night. The Patriots won the game. Then approximately 4 weeks later the same two teams with the same two coaches, and the same two quarterbacks and well there were a lot of constants from the first game and the second game and yet the outcome was completely different. Not just who won the game but how many total points were scored. What changed? I mean the quarterbacks were the same shouldn't the results have been the exact same?<br />
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Pat loves to bring up that Raiders game from last year when Geno Smith started at QB. Proof that a different QB would be better. 1) the Giants still lost. 2) The Giants still failed to score 30 points, 3) the Raiders were and still are terrible so who knows if it was Geno (who didn't sniff 300 yards passing either.)<br />
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Other teams and QBs. Sam Bradford and Case Keenum played well for the Vikings last year. Then they go to other NFL teams and now they suck. Is it the QBs? Their new teams? A change in diet? Did someone put a curse on them? Eagles win games with Carson Wentz then they win games with Nick Foles. This year Eagles lose games with Nick Foles then they lose games with Carson Wentz, (the Giants game notwithstanding because Eli Manning makes the Giants terrible.)<br />
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To illustrate the point in non sports terms: both Pat Leonard and I drink water. The one constant is water. And yet somehow he is a sports writer and I am not a sports writer. How is that possible? WE BOTH DRINK WATER! It's the one constant.<br />
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Finally, Pat Leonard, go ahead hate Eli Manning. Hate him because of the crimes he committed against your family (I'm guessing), or because he has a dopey face, or because he's 37 and should be taken out and shot like a race horse who has broken it's leg. Hate him because they haven't had a winning season or because the only controversy he has created was that one time with that memorabilia lawsuit and that barely got any of you beat writers any clicks. His constant political correctness makes your job harder, especially when the team sucks and fans don't want to relive the misery by reading a recap of the game. I get it. So talk about him having lost the ability to play because that's your opinion but don't pretend you have any evidence to back any of that up. He might actually be the reason but we'll never know for sure because there is not control group. There never is in team sports. And yes, I sound a little like John Sterling, but that's probably because he also drinks water.<br />
<br />rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-3603113006733444792017-07-12T14:13:00.003-04:002017-12-03T15:16:04.536-05:00Please Provide 3 References. <div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1QTOZVD2Y5k/WWZl9jB56SI/AAAAAAAABzE/5bK4SKXAO6gIes5_GK0CQ82x8_JQTIsvACLcBGAs/s1600/08-chris-christie-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1500" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1QTOZVD2Y5k/WWZl9jB56SI/AAAAAAAABzE/5bK4SKXAO6gIes5_GK0CQ82x8_JQTIsvACLcBGAs/s320/08-chris-christie-2.jpg" width="320" /></a>This past week sitting Governor of NJ Chris Christie applied
for the job of radio, sports, talk-show host on NYC’s radio station WFAN, a CBS
radio station. What I found odd is that
WFAN did not call Chris Christie’s current employer, the people of NJ, for a
reference. I assume that when the WFAN
hires a secretary they check her references<a href="file:///C:/Users/RAP/Documents/Prose/This%20past%20week%20sitting%20Governor%20of%20NJ%20Chris%20Christie%20applied%20for%20the%20job%20of%20radio.docx#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%;">[1]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a>. What if a Christine Christie were applying
for an admin job at The Fan what would her employer’s reference sound like? Perhaps something like this...</div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
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Current Employer: Hello, Employer speaking.<o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: Oh. Sorry, I
was expecting your assistant to answer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: She not
here. Again. <o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: Well, you’re
whom I want to talk to anyway. I believe
you know Ms. Christie is looking for new employment. I was wondering if you could answer a few
questions about her tenure working for you?<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: Yeah, sure. Why
not?<o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: Great. Thanks. So
we have her down as working for you, for what will be 8 years in January?<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: Hmm. Not exactly.
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WFAN: Can you expand
on that?<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: Well, she’s
collected a pay check for 8 years. However, she frequently didn’t show up to work for
months at a time. At one point she was
gone for nearly a year trying to land a job with some D.C. outfit. Normally that would have been terms of
dismissal but her contract was iron clad. <o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: Well, when she
was present how would you describe her work style?<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: Menacing. <o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: Interesting.
Was that effective?<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: For the bottom
line and efficiency? No. For getting her way? Sometimes. <o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: Can you give me
an example of when it was effective?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Uf-pEL63jvw/WWZh1fn-z_I/AAAAAAAABzA/7vosAqVUwuY5ZCGF4MpvETQiFOWC8bvLQCEwYBhgL/s1600/IMGP1570.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Uf-pEL63jvw/WWZh1fn-z_I/AAAAAAAABzA/7vosAqVUwuY5ZCGF4MpvETQiFOWC8bvLQCEwYBhgL/s320/IMGP1570.JPG" width="240" /></a>CE: Yeah. Sure. Despite wanting to work down in DC and never
being here, she really wanted to be fire warden of our floor. However, Mark in
accounting said he’d do it. His
department wouldn’t back her for fire warden. Therefore she had the interns shut down the
elevator. It was a nightmare. The
stairwells were clogged. UPS couldn’t get onto our floor to deliver packages,
it’s not like they’re going to walk up 8 flights of stairs carrying a bunch of
boxes. The interns wound up not getting
college credit. Though, she did get to be fire warden. Sort of. I
mean. Mark really does it, cause she’s not here most days.<o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: Great. Can you
tell me any other times she’s shown initiative?<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: I can say that for her, she doesn’t lack initiative. There was the time she revamped our 50/50
raffle; you know the office lottery? We use it to fund a scholarship program. Some consultant company sent her
flowers and a “Hang in there” cat poster. Next thing you know she hired them to
manager or 50/50. Which they turned into a 40/40/20, them getting the 20. Then there was the time, she
went above everyone’s head and just cut a deal with Exxon. <o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: Exxon? Do you
think they’re looking to advertise on the radio? Maybe she has connections with them?<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: I don’t know,
man. I mean we thought she did it so she could get a job with them after her
contract was up with us. Now she’s trying to work at your radio station, so
there goes that theory. But I’ll tell
you one thing. Legal was pissed. They’d been working on that deal for over a
decade and she comes along hijacks the CEO’s email account to pretend she was
her, and gives them 90% off of what we had bargained for and were days away
from collecting. <o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: A real
self-starter. <o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: I guess you could say that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: How would you
say she got along with her co-workers.<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: I feel like you’re
not listening.<o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: That really isn’t
sports radio’s strength. <o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: Christine got in a
stand-off with Gail from operations. We share a building with Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield. We ran out of coffee capsules for the coffee machine. Gail didn’t want to go down to the 3<sup>rd</sup>
floor and hijack Horizon’s Keurig coffee capsules, so Christine took the checks
I signed to pay our vendors and instead of delivering them to Gail’s office hid
them. The electricity got shut off. So facilities warned people to stay away
from the break room and fridge until our bill was paid and electricity was
restored. Well, Christine was the only one who didn’t listen. Then she opened
the fridge, letting all the cold air out and proceeded to eat everyone else’s
food. She said she was saving us from an inevitable mold problem. To convince her to release the checks to our vendorsI had to tell her she was super pretty and get Horizon to give her a Keurig capsule to take home. <o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: What flavor was
the Keurig?<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: Green tea. Are we almost done? I have a lot of work to get done because I
literally have no help here. And I don’t
know about the new girl we’re getting. She has no experience whatsoever, and a weird
smile. But I have to take her because
she bought middle management a ton of gifts. <o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: Yeah, we’re
done. Thanks for your time. And go Giants!<o:p></o:p></div>
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CE: Oh yeah, and she’s a Cowboy fan! Not a Jets fan not an Eagles fan,
not even anti-football.<o:p></o:p></div>
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WFAN: Being a Cowboys
fan is like being anti-football.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="file:///C:/Users/RAP/Documents/Prose/This%20past%20week%20sitting%20Governor%20of%20NJ%20Chris%20Christie%20applied%20for%20the%20job%20of%20radio.docx#_ftnref1" name="_ftn1" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">[1]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a> Yes,
I know there are male secretaries and that job is now called an administrative
assistant or executive assistant, but trust me it’ll be more fun this way.<o:p></o:p></div>
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2. Obligatory picture of NJ</div>
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3. I was too lazy to go open Photoshop on my husband's MAC, so I used old school paint brush and not well.</div>
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rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-59277248785366227052017-05-15T05:00:00.000-04:002017-05-15T05:00:27.859-04:00Brer Rabbit or the Republican Party?My theory is that the Republicans are Brer Rabbiting Democrats and liberals. For those who don't know who Brer Rabbit is, he's the bunny that invented reverse psychology and got sent to his room to play Xbox all day as punishment for stealing Monsanto seeds from a corporate farmer. And now it looks like Brer is a major strategist for the Republican party. <div>
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Democrats pass Republican, imperfect, corporate -welfare healthcare plan. Republican carry-on for years how much they hate it, "How could make us pass our own healthcare plan. Oh we hate it so much. It's the absolute worst. I rather be thrown into a brier patch."</div>
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Next, they double down on their coy act and try to pass a healthcare plan that is ten times worse then the original one they constructed and got passed. Which has the rest of the country who really wants single payer but would settle for some fixes on the ACA just begging any politician they can get an email address for to please let us keep the bone you threw us. </div>
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Next, we have FBI director James Comey. Democrats hate him. Loathe the man, until the President fires Comey so the President can cover up a scandal, which really just Republicans screaming, "No really! Please! Please! Don't throw me into that brier patch" . Now, rumor has it he might be replaced by Chris Christie the least popular governor in the history of US Governors (and some of those Governors have gone to jail.) Democrats are besides themselves. "No, no, no. Give us back that guy who might have cost our candidate the election. " </div>
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What do you think is going to happen next? The Energy Secretary is going to come out with a plan that we are now going to burn babies and puppies to power our our grid. People will respond, "No, not the country's cuties! If you're going to burn anything burn coal! Coal burns perfectly well. Babies are too moist, it's so inefficient. </div>
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EPA let's California farms use every last drop of water in the water table so the population has no choice but to beg them to melt the icebergs faster because we're so parched. </div>
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The treasury department decides to take the tax revenues to Vegas. So that the only response is fine, more Goldman Sachs guys. </div>
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In a reverse of hip hop philosophy. Don't hate the game hate the players. The game is genius. Evilly genius. </div>
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rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-60892687798167956192017-05-11T18:36:00.000-04:002017-05-11T18:45:48.554-04:00The Trending Trendy Trenders Foiled Again by the NY TimesThe Internet, World Wide. Thursday the New York Times caused quite a stir in the open marriage community by running a story in the NY Times Magazine about the living arrangement some people have been making for decades.<br />
<br />
"Now everyone is going to be Poly," Decried Kevin Sanders of Manhattan. "How am I supposed to be different, and interesting now that open marriage has been reviewed by the times?" pouted Leslie Stokes of Berkeley, CA. "No one is going to gossip about me now that they'll all being doing it too," worried Jose Diaz of Columbus, OH.<br />
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This isn't the first thing "ruined" by the New York Times reporting on it. Since it's inception as a paper countless restaurants have gone from quiet and enjoyable for those in the know to utterly mobbed with year long waits for reservations.<br />
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After the story ran <u>Hamilton</u> (A Broadway musical) saw its ticket sales dip for the first time since the show opened in February 2015. Meanwhile Rapid Realty reported that clients no longer seemed interested in specifically renting in Brooklyn. Rather couples looking for apartments seemed more curious what agents were doing after. While membership in polyamorous meet up groups have soared by 78%. Smith's bar and grill is having Happy Hour for Open Couples Thursdays.<br />
<br />
New York's Mayor DeBlasio made a statement on the new trend, "I think this new open marriage trend could do a lot to ease our city's affordable housing shortage and our male shortage in this city. If wives are willing to share their husbands that might really go a long way in helping single, heterosexual women get some." <br />
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It's hard to predict how long this trend will last as trend data is all over the place, but some original open marriagers, like Phyllis Caso, are not bothering to wait out the trend storm, "Forget it. I'm going back to a closed monogamy and just going crab grassatarian."rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-82623464671162866102017-03-29T10:34:00.002-04:002017-12-21T22:33:01.907-05:00We Are Not Bots, Yet<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yBoJUDqZsrM/WNvFkUqNKnI/AAAAAAAABxs/_COzXipUYvUsxyPX9Lefm5h-jX8IvuzwQCLcB/s1600/turtle%2Bon%2Blog%2Bslidel%2B2016.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yBoJUDqZsrM/WNvFkUqNKnI/AAAAAAAABxs/_COzXipUYvUsxyPX9Lefm5h-jX8IvuzwQCLcB/s320/turtle%2Bon%2Blog%2Bslidel%2B2016.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Yesterday, I was told by a business associate who is a big
muckity muck at Viacom, that I needed a LinkedIn profile if I wanted to find a
job. I mention her muckity muck status
in hopes that I will be looked on as someone you want to associate with because
I know successful people. Successful people working for companies you have
heard of. She told me what HR people had
told her, “First, thing we do is check to see if you have a LinkedIn profile to
make sure you’re not a bot.” I responded
to this information with a question, “Why are bots applying for jobs? What’s
the angle?” Though my associate has a master’s degree, she was stumped for an answer. </div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3P60ti8_JoE/WNvFs_mF_WI/AAAAAAAABxw/l_DqzlyIbmwMexbRKKFyq7vDSYcdwZ_8wCLcB/s1600/bird%2Bin%2Bswamp%2B2016.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3P60ti8_JoE/WNvFs_mF_WI/AAAAAAAABxw/l_DqzlyIbmwMexbRKKFyq7vDSYcdwZ_8wCLcB/s320/bird%2Bin%2Bswamp%2B2016.JPG" width="320" /></a>I slept on the question. I woke up this morning and set-up a
LinkedIn profile. That’s when it occurred to me - LinkedIn must be the ones
using bots to apply to jobs, thereby making their product useful. <br />
Honestly, people were able to network and find
jobs without LinkedIn for all of human history. Unlike, other technological advances (the wheel, stone tools,
the tractor, <o:p></o:p></div>
calculators, etc.) social media in all its iterations has
not made socializing and networking faster or easier. It has muddied it. Networking used to be designated to after work
drinks, conferences, and conventions, now you do it in your cube (or open
office space) while you are being paid to work. <br />
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Social media not increasing productivity is not the real problem. The problem is that we are declaring we are not bots.
Which in 2017 is fine and supposedly helpful. But what happens when Artificial Intelligence
comes into its own? When AI is running
the HR department? Then won’t I want to
possibly pretend I am in fact a bot? Curry favor with our computer overlords?
Or at minimum keep the AI guessing if I am a human or one them. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Perhaps, we all be part bot in 20 years, with a memory drive
attached to our brain stem. We might all
be a sleeker more stylish version of Robo-Cop. I don’t know about you guys,
but I’m a little uncomfortable about branding myself a human and not a bot.
Because we all know what we put on the internet never dies, and the future is
unknowable. Committing now to human might be beneficial in the short term, but
could be disastrous in the long term. <o:p></o:p></div>
rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-8192679489851240462017-02-27T12:13:00.001-05:002018-08-09T18:07:38.718-04:00HEAD SHOT RACHAEL PARENTA<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-27067167594554077032016-11-16T15:06:00.001-05:002016-11-16T15:13:22.460-05:00Don't buy Kitchenaid AppliancesBe Warned!<br />
<br />
My Kitchenaid (parent company Whirlpool) oven and gas range stove has crapped out on me. My KSGB900E model was bought 13 months ago, only for the mother board to crap out. Really? A major home appliance that costs $2000 is only good for one month past their warranty. It feels like a mafia racket. "Hey we'll sell you this oven, but then you either pay protection money, buy the very pricey extended warranty, or you can just pay exuberant prices for parts replacement. You know those parts we make with near slave labor for like 5 cents somewhere across the globe. We mark them up 1000 percent. Either way, little homeowner you're gonna be payin' us for the rest of your life."<br />
<br />
I mean it's a stove and oven, it just sits in the kitchen and heats things up, it should last for, I don't know, ever. Or at least 10 years. It's not like I got drunk carried the thing downstairs and used it as a sled to ride down the hill I live on.<br />
<br />
I called Kitchenaid. The service representative was very nice. I won't use his/her name in case the company likes to fire low level employees willy nilly. I wouldn't put it past them. The best they could do was cover those cheap ass replacement parts but I have to pay for the service call.<br />
<br />
If you're rich I recommend buying a cast iron oven, no dumb ass computers that are programmed to fail so they can keep bleeding you dry. If you're middle class I reccomend not buying a Whirlpool appliance, because they don't stand by their work. Try finding a stove/range that does not have computer parts.<br />
<br />
I feel like now I have to call my congressman and ask for an investigation to see if Whirlpool purposely programs their appliance computers to malfunction so they can bleed the American consumer dry.<br />
<br />
Side note, if you look around the internet you'll see that if you use the self cleaning feature on Kitchenaid ovens you'll ruin you're whole unit. Thankfully, we never tried this. BEWARE!!! <br />
<br />rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-38798595574946736722016-05-11T16:59:00.002-04:002017-03-29T10:25:55.885-04:00HOW STAND UP COMEDY MADE ME ADMIT THOSE GUYS WERE MY BOYFRIENDS<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Anyone who has lived within the cultures where marriages
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dating for 3 years but you're just not ready to call the man, men, or women
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</span>I claimed to never have had a boyfriend until I was 30. This wasn't some
look how pure I am kind of statement more like, it's been terrible for me out
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There are many reasons why I didn't want to label some man
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place between boys and girls and not men and women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
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for a whole generation of Americans delaying their married lives. Maybe it's
true, I don't know I didn't bother to do any actual research. I figured if Wikipedia
just makes things up anyway, why waste my time "researching" and then
citing when I can cut out the middle man and just make it all up myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But either way Courtney Love, am I
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Secondly, maybe I dated some embarassing type men and I
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to admit you're his girlfriend." Clearly, I'm not a catch did you not just
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Thirdly, and most likely, commitment and intimacy is
terrible and scary especially when I was in my twenties and I thought my life
would be amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With a future that
looked like it had no limits why limit that future with a ball chain that would
keep anchored to the Earth instead of soaring among the clouds?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I realized that I was not flying with
the jets and birds but drowning in toxic sludge I learned that committing
grabbing on to a life raft and dragging in down with me. No one wants to die alone.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, before life's harsh lessons forced me to grow up
and use the word boyfriend for real, stand-up comedy made me cop to it a half a
decade sooner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In stand-up messy overly
dramatic details just get in the way of the joke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can't get up on stage and say my ex-"dude
I used to sometimes have sex with and then not talk to and then have sex with
again and then maybe go on some dates with, but we were still seeing other
people, and those people well some of them I don't know their ages or their
last names so who knows what's going on there." had disproportionately
small hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The audience is now trying
to decipher my relationship status that they can't pay attention to my
hilarious impression of dating Godzilla.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As you know Godzilla's hands are very tiny in relation to the rest of
him. So smallhands became my boyfriend. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Stand-up comedy might be therapeutic but the audience isn't
my friend. The audience didn't show up to a bar to have a comedy show appear
out of nowhere like a sniper on the Washington Mall <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to figure out what the most accurate label for
my dysfunctional romantic situations are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They are two busy trying to figure out<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>how<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a night out to take in a game
and get drinks with friends somehow became a night where the TVs are turned off
and hoodie clad, anger misfits are screaming at them through a mic to shut the
fuck up as they talk about their dicks and vaginas. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In this atmosphere nuance goes out the window and you all
became my boyfriends. Yes, you guy with no pillow, and you the guy I slept with
once who I described as having no teeth because describing your actual teeth
would have also taken too long. And you who wanted to role play office, and you
my greatest loves who I never dated buy stalked for years anyway, you were my
truest boyfriends and I think the audiences across America for letting us have
that kind of commitment and intimacy even if it was only on stage and in their
minds. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Stand-up comedy hasn't given me riches, or respect, or
self-worth, but it has given me more boyfriends then I truly ever deserve and
for that it's all been worth it, except if you're using worth in a monetary
sense then really it hasn't been. </div>
rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-62343054806907203432015-12-15T09:17:00.000-05:002019-08-16T12:40:19.619-04:00Locker Room Loses CoachEast Rutherford, NJ.<br />
<br />
A rare situation has developed in the NFL. The Giants locker room has lost their head coach and possibly the entirety of the coaching staff.<br />
<br />
Tom Coughlin was not at the Giants' facility last Wednesday during practice. Sources at the 5th Down Bar and Grill in Carlstadt, NJ said the 69 year old coach was sidled up to the bar drinking Wild Turkey. Patrons could hear the coach drunkenly grumbling to the bar tender, "If you're not going to block anyone why should I even bother with a game plan? Spend every hour of my waking life on this team and for what? So I can watch passes hit off shoulder pads. So I can be interrogated 3 times a week by half-wits whose industry is closer to death than I am?"<br />
<br />
Despite the coach phoning it in on Friday's walk through (supposedly the usually fiery coach didn't yell at a single player) Coughlin made the trip to Miami with the team. Addressing the team before Monday's night game sources close to the team said the coach showed up in a smoking jacket and boxers, giving a low-energy, uninspired speech. "Alright, go out there and do whatever it is you're going to do. Nothing I say is going to make you tackle. Now I have an evening of top tier Miami clubbing and night surfing to get to. YOLO, I'm out."<br />
<br />
After the speech the players looked at each other befuddle. Odell Beckham Junior was heard to ask veteran Eli Manning, What's clubbing?" Eli responded, "I think it's dancing and coke, but I'm not sure. It could be a caveman reenactment group."<br />
<br />
Despite the team having completely lost their coach with a quarter of the season still left to play, they were able to eke out a win. Though questions remain if the team is unable to win back their head coach. Reuben Randall said he had a talk with the head coach last week and thought maybe if the receiving corps took the coaches bowling that could lift coach's spirits and get his head back into the game and planning.<br />
<br />
In the press conference after the game Coughlin was asked by reporters if he was excited about the win. A sarcastic Coughlin responded, "Oh yeah. Sure. So excited. They beat the Dolphins, the powerhouse of the AFC, way to go. I'm giving everyone of these guys a medal. No, a trophy. A Superbowl trophy." rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-50692965915100326262015-12-07T14:52:00.002-05:002017-12-03T15:34:45.602-05:00The Hidden Truth about the NY Football GiantsWhat has happened to the Giants? Five years ago they were Super Bowl champions and now they are going on their 3rd consecutive losing season. Giant fans want answers. I'm here to tell you all what ESPN is too scared to tell you.<br />
<br />
Eli Manning's wife, Abby McGrew doesn't have a job. That's right she's a stay at home mom and some sort of charitable do-gooder. Perhaps if she was pulling her own weight in the Manning household Eli wouldn't have to negotiate for such a high salary, thereby eating up value cap space the Giants could use to pay a for another defensive lineman, or a linebacker or an offensive line.<br />
<br />
What do we know? The Patriots have been winning for 15 years. Their starting Quarterback's wife has a job. That's right Tom Brady's wife Gisselle is out their putting food on the table, allowing Tom to take a pay cut and thus allowing the Patriots to hire someone besides Tom Brady.<br />
<br />
Not only is Abby not working but she's also popping out children left and right. Kids are expensive, and they have three! How can you pay for a decent left guard when the QB has three children to feed? But she won't work. Rather, she prefers to raise money for hospitals or some such nonsense. Great. Sorry but that poor kid you're helping get vaccinated won't be eligible to play pro football for 20 years. That could be a generation of of losing seasons. <br />
<br />
Abby needs to put a dress on and walk down a runway. At the very least start a hedge fund or ponzi scheme, because this building through the draft is not cutting it. rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-60546676817860419652015-09-21T13:44:00.003-04:002015-09-21T13:49:28.469-04:00Is God Living in the Greater Green Bay, WI area? <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PSLEPlvMRYs/VgBDD0ZkjYI/AAAAAAAABpM/ddUTc_8hDUE/s1600/rodgers.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PSLEPlvMRYs/VgBDD0ZkjYI/AAAAAAAABpM/ddUTc_8hDUE/s1600/rodgers.png" /></a></div>
<br />
It is a shame that the first temple of Jerusalem was destroyed way back when in the olden days before my parents were born. According to folklore that temple was where the actual name of god was written down. Now back then usb drives were hard to come by so these Jews didn't back up their work. Next thing you know the Babylonians burned the whole temple down and with it the actual name of god. Doh! Always back up your work.<br />
<br />
I bring this up, not because Yom Kippur is on the horizon but because without that name on the temple walls we can't be 100% certain that Aaron Rodgers is the name of God. Though, of course we know that it is. A side question is what did those Semitic people think looking at the strange yet to be invented English text etched into their temple wall?<br />
<br />
How do we know Aaron Rodgers is god? Easy all the religious texts tell us that god makes us better. Aaron Rodgers makes his team better especially his receivers. When Aaron touches the football with his godly hands his receivers catch the ball. They could never catch the ball if it hadn't been touched by god himself. Green Bay receivers Running routes, getting separation, practicing their catching with the Jugs machine is moot, it is Aaron Rodgers that makes these men great -- makes America great.<br />
<br />
Skeptics and atheist will say then why doesn't Aaron Rodgers have 100% completion rate and why has he only won one Super Bowl? First, he doesn't touch the ball on defense. Since God is good God won't break the rules and be the 12th man on the field when it's the defense's turn, plus god isn't a ball hog, he is good guy. Secondly, god works in mysterious ways. And he must have reason for not completing all his passes and only winning one Superbowl despite being god.<br />
<br />
Skeptics might also say that maybe the receivers and offensive line are good on their own without the guidance of the Almighty Jehovah. No. I've watched Eli Manning play football, he is from New Orleans home of Voodoo and therefore the devil. I've seen Eli Manning hit receivers in the hands and watch as those receivers let the ball fall to the ground. Sometimes the receivers are hit the hands and they tip it up in the air, so the other team may posses the ball. Why? Because running with the devil has never made anyone better.<br />
<br />
Maybe voodo can win you some championships-make a ball stick to a helmet, but it will never make you God. There is only one true god. (unless you believe in some polytheistic religion _that just seems really inefficient. If you have two quarterbacks you have no quarterbacks, if you have 10 gods do you any gods? Or anytime for you?) The one true god's name was written on that temple wall long ago, that name is Aaron Rodgers. Without him perhaps no one would catch a football. <br />
<br />
<br />rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-10527415139105569922014-11-13T11:38:00.001-05:002014-11-13T11:38:52.699-05:00How Things Came to be: Gendered Division of Labor <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
In many parts of the world women make less money than men
either for the same job, or because they can't get the good paying, really evil
jobs due to gender discrimination. Meanwhile, men are ridiculed if they wear skirts
or dresses despite the fact that their genitalia would probably be so much more
happy swinging free and easy in a flowing dress instead of scrunched up in
jeans or suit pants. Why do you think Buddhist monks seem so at peace? It's the
robes. <br />
<br />
How did we get here?<br />
<br />
It all started with a guy named Donnie<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn1;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[1]</span></span></span></span></a>. He
was a big, strong, young man. People in his clan thought that he was a douche<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn2" name="_ftnref2" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn2;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[2]</span></span></span></span></a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The women wanted nothing to do with him
sexually. It's unclear why they found him so repulsive<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>by all accounts he was very strong and tall,
relative to surrounding people. Socio-biologist <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn3" name="_ftnref3" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn3;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[3]</span></span></span></span></a>would
hypothesize that all the women would be pulling each other's hair out just to
get some of Donnie's genetic material. This clearly wasn't the case. Some
historians believe <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>one of the reasons no
one wanted to sleep with Donnie was because he was horribly self involved. He
never asked women any questions about themselves. He would just drone on and on
about how many logs he could carry at once. (Side note: historians also think
Donnie might have had a hand in the deforestation of Mesopotamia.) He was also
rumored to have kicked kids and kittens--not cool Donnie. <br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So no one would sleep with
Donnie and Donnie had needs. So Donnie came up with a plan. He proposed that
women be forbidden to hunt, or farm or do anything but raise babies and clean
plates. The only way women would have access to food is if she got a man to
give her some. Men thought this was a horrible idea. <br />
"Donnie, you mean then we have to do all the work all year long? No
way."<br />
"They slow us down. They can't carry as many logs as me."<br />
"No one can carry as many logs as you, Donnie." Cried the clan.<br />
"Women also get pregnant and then don't work for a couple of months
before and after the baby and we all do just fine."<br />
"But that's only one or two women at a time not all the women. It's
like when someone gets sick we pick up the slack for one person for a week or
so. We don't all get sick on the same day."<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn4" name="_ftnref4" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn4;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[4]</span></span></span></span></a><br />
Donnie left the meeting dejected. A few months later Gary<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn5" name="_ftnref5" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn5;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[5]</span></span></span></span></a>
fell in love with Gertrude. Gary was handsome and smart and lots of women were
interested in him, but of course Gary only wanted the lady who didn't want him.
It's too bad these early settled people didn't live longer they might have out
grown some of this psychology. As he was sulking under a fig tree he remembered
Donnie's hare-brained plan and figured with a different spin he could sell it
the clan and force Gertrude to love him. <br />
"We have a problem here in our clan.. Our children are not getting the
proper education they need because too many of us our busy with our farming
tasks, I give you Donnie as proof of how far our community as deteriorated. "<br />
"That's true he is kind of log<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn6" name="_ftnref6" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn6;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[6]</span></span></span></span></a>
head."<br />
"So let's divide up the word so we can make sure it all gets done. One
idea, we could say is that the women stay home and make sure our children don't
become log heads."<br />
One woman piped up and said, "But I'm on the verge of breeding edible
almonds. This is going to be awesome for us a great source of protein, easily
stored, easy to carry on raiding missions." <br />
Gary responded, "Exactly, That's the kind of person who needs to be
spending time with our kids making them smart."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was a slick one that Gary.<br />
One of the men quipped, "But then we have to do all the work, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but the teaching. This sounds like Donnie's
plan from last year."<br />
Gary had an answer, "Not quite. You wouldn't be required to get up in
the middle of the night when the baby is crying that would just be the women
who are in charge of the kids." <br />
"Wait. WHAT!" the women screamed.<br />
"Hold on let the man speak," the men retorted because when you
have to wake up at dawn to farm every day no one wants to have to go tend to a
crying baby in the middle of the night.<br />
Then Gary stated the pink elephant in the room. "You know we are
stronger than you. "<br />
The women could have revolted by killing the men in their sleep and
restoring the balance of power in their community, but sadly those women had
trouble staying up past when the men went to bed due to the interruption of
their sleep cycle by the crying newborns they were forced to attend to by
themselves. Of course Donnie and Gary never foresaw that men would have to mine
coal one day while the women remained black lung free trapped in their homes. <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div style="mso-element: footnote-list;">
<br clear="all" />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="ftn1" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref1" name="_ftn1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn1;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[1]</span></span></span></span></a> <span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Donnie
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it's what his name translates to from
ancient Babylonian.</span><br />
</div>
<div id="ftn2" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref2" name="_ftn2" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn2;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[2]</span></span></span></span></span></a><span style="font-size: 9.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">They didn't actually call him a douche because that product didn't
exist 10,000 years ago. They called him something that loosely translates to
"hole away from water supply where we rid our bodies of waste." Which
is what we now in the US call a toilet. We don't call people toilets today in the
western world to insult them so I'm just going to go with douche.</span><span style="font-size: 9.0pt;"> </span><br />
</div>
<div id="ftn3" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref3" name="_ftn3" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn3;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[3]</span></span></span></span></a>
Socio-biologist the modern day astrologist, so much math so little facts. </div>
</div>
<div id="ftn4" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref4" name="_ftn4" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn4;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[4]</span></span></span></span></a> <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">Of course that last sentiment isn't always true
sometimes they do all get sick at the same time, it's called a plague and it
usually wipes a society</span>.<br />
</div>
<div id="ftn5" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref5" name="_ftn5" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn5;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[5]</span></span></span></span></a> Again
translated from Babylonian. </div>
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<div id="ftn6" style="mso-element: footnote;">
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref6" name="_ftn6" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn6;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[6]</span></span></span></span></a><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[6]</span></span></span></span> Later
this would turn into lug head.</div>
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<br />
In many parts of the world women make less money than men
either for the same job, or because they can't get the good paying, really evil
jobs due to gender discrimination. Meanwhile, men are ridiculed if they wear skirts
or dresses despite the fact that their genitalia would probably be so much more
happy swinging free and easy in a flowing dress instead of scrunched up in
jeans or suit pants. Why do you think Buddhist monks seem so at peace? It's the
robes. <br />
<br />
How did we get here?<br />
<br />
It all started with a guy named Donnie<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn1;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[1]</span></span></span></span></a>. He
was a big, strong, young man. People in his clan thought that he was a douche<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn2" name="_ftnref2" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn2;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[2]</span></span></span></span></a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The women wanted nothing to do with him
sexually. It's unclear why they found him so repulsive<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>by all accounts he was very strong and tall,
relative to surrounding people. Socio-biologist <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn3" name="_ftnref3" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn3;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[3]</span></span></span></span></a>would
hypothesize that all the women would be pulling each other's hair out just to
get some of Donnie's genetic material. This clearly wasn't the case. Some
historians believe <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>one of the reasons no
one wanted to sleep with Donnie was because he was horribly self involved. He
never asked women any questions about themselves. He would just drone on and on
about how many logs he could carry at once. (Side note: historians also think
Donnie might have had a hand in the deforestation of Mesopotamia.) He was also
rumored to have kicked kids and kittens--not cool Donnie. <br />
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So no one would sleep with
Donnie and Donnie had needs. So Donnie came up with a plan. He proposed that
women be forbidden to hunt, or farm or do anything but raise babies and clean
plates. The only way women would have access to food is if she got a man to
give her some. Men thought this was a horrible idea. <br />
"Donnie, you mean then we have to do all the work all year long? No
way."<br />
"They slow us down. They can't carry as many logs as me."<br />
"No one can carry as many logs as you, Donnie." Cried the clan.<br />
"Women also get pregnant and then don't work for a couple of months
before and after the baby and we all do just fine."<br />
"But that's only one or two women at a time not all the women. It's
like when someone gets sick we pick up the slack for one person for a week or
so. We don't all get sick on the same day."<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn4" name="_ftnref4" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn4;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[4]</span></span></span></span></a><br />
Donnie left the meeting dejected. A few months later Gary<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn5" name="_ftnref5" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn5;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[5]</span></span></span></span></a>
fell in love with Gertrude. Gary was handsome and smart and lots of women were
interested in him, but of course Gary only wanted the lady who didn't want him.
It's too bad these early settled people didn't live longer they might have out
grown some of this psychology. As he was sulking under a fig tree he remembered
Donnie's hare-brained plan and figured with a different spin he could sell it
the clan and force Gertrude to love him. <br />
"We have a problem here in our clan.. Our children are not getting the
proper education they need because too many of us our busy with our farming
tasks, I give you Donnie as proof of how far our community as deteriorated. "<br />
"That's true he is kind of log<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftn6" name="_ftnref6" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn6;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[6]</span></span></span></span></a>
head."<br />
"So let's divide up the word so we can make sure it all gets done. One
idea, we could say is that the women stay home and make sure our children don't
become log heads."<br />
One woman piped up and said, "But I'm on the verge of breeding edible
almonds. This is going to be awesome for us a great source of protein, easily
stored, easy to carry on raiding missions." <br />
Gary responded, "Exactly, That's the kind of person who needs to be
spending time with our kids making them smart."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was a slick one that Gary.<br />
One of the men quipped, "But then we have to do all the work, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but the teaching. This sounds like Donnie's
plan from last year."<br />
Gary had an answer, "Not quite. You wouldn't be required to get up in
the middle of the night when the baby is crying that would just be the women
who are in charge of the kids." <br />
"Wait. WHAT!" the women screamed.<br />
"Hold on let the man speak," the men retorted because when you
have to wake up at dawn to farm every day no one wants to have to go tend to a
crying baby in the middle of the night.<br />
Then Gary stated the pink elephant in the room. "You know we are
stronger than you. "<br />
The women could have revolted by killing the men in their sleep and
restoring the balance of power in their community, but sadly those women had
trouble staying up past when the men went to bed due to the interruption of
their sleep cycle by the crying newborns they were forced to attend to by
themselves. Of course Donnie and Gary never foresaw that men would have to mine
coal one day while the women remained black lung free trapped in their homes. <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div style="mso-element: footnote-list;">
<br clear="all" />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<div id="ftn1" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref1" name="_ftn1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn1;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[1]</span></span></span></span></a> <span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Donnie
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>it's what his name translates to from
ancient Babylonian.</span><br />
</div>
<div id="ftn2" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref2" name="_ftn2" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn2;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[2]</span></span></span></span></span></a><span style="font-size: 9.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">They didn't actually call him a douche because that product didn't
exist 10,000 years ago. They called him something that loosely translates to
"hole away from water supply where we rid our bodies of waste." Which
is what we now in the US call a toilet. We don't call people toilets today in the
western world to insult them so I'm just going to go with douche.</span><span style="font-size: 9.0pt;"> </span><br />
</div>
<div id="ftn3" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref3" name="_ftn3" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn3;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[3]</span></span></span></span></a>
Socio-biologist the modern day astrologist, so much math so little facts. </div>
</div>
<div id="ftn4" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref4" name="_ftn4" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn4;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">[4]</span></span></span></span></a> <span style="font-size: 9.0pt;">Of course that last sentiment isn't always true
sometimes they do all get sick at the same time, it's called a plague and it
usually wipes a society</span>.<br />
</div>
<div id="ftn5" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref5" name="_ftn5" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn5;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[5]</span></span></span></span></a> Again
translated from Babylonian. </div>
</div>
<div id="ftn6" style="mso-element: footnote;">
<div class="MsoFootnoteText">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=11942972#_ftnref6" name="_ftn6" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn6;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[6]</span></span></span></span></a><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">[6]</span></span></span></span> Later
this would turn into lug head.</div>
</div>
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-63178332637419852012014-11-11T23:23:00.002-05:002015-05-12T22:05:34.176-04:00Wedding Planning Advice<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Every Woman's Dream</span></u></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He finally proposed! Huzzah! Quickly guzzle that
celebratory champagne in your hand because you have a lot of work to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If this is your first wedding there is
something you need to know. Planning a wedding is a complete time suck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's a lot of running around, meeting
vendors, and arguing with your mother. But it doesn't have to be merely,
joyless stress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don't forget this is
your special day you're planning and it's the perfect time to get your revenge
on those loved ones who have disappointed or hurt you in the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To help the first time bride I've provided a
revenge jumping off point. Here are 6 basic areas you can fit some vengeance in
your wedding planning. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>1. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Attire</b> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Traditionally this is where the bride makes her best
friends dress in hideous bridesmaids gowns. And if you love tradition and these
bitches have got it coming, go for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you're looking for a little less traditional revenge because you're
not an old fashion gal try shaking it up a little by using your own outfit to
stick it to people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Do you have an awesome body?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then flaunt it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get a dress that will make the female guests
at your wedding hate you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get a gown
that really accentuates all you've got in the T&A department.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Or go after you mother or other conservative traditional
relatives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know the ones who are
still living in the 1950s with their gender normative ideas about women and
style. The same people who have never read the words "Gender Normative.
"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The best part about this option
is that it's cheap. Walk down the aisle in ripped baggy-blue jeans, a
loose-fitting t-shirt adorned with the Tasmanian Devil (or Marvin the Martian
whomever you're into--it's your special day) finish the look off with some high
top Chuck Taylors. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then make sure the
photographer gets close-ups shots of your mother's tears streaming down her
face as pools of mascara collect on her cheek bones. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An added bonus to this look is that you save
time by not having to try on countless wedding dresses.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Don't worry girly girls who don't have the body to cause
other women to develop an eating disorder I haven't forgot about you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Find a fabulous dress and then write on the
invitation it's a jeans optional, causal wedding. Make sure<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to have the wedding in a cold month so none
of your guests can wear skimpy tank-tops and short shorts. Keep them in bulky
sweaters and long underwear. Again winter weddings can save you money which
you're going to need because you're going all out on the dress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Additional outfit ideas: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meat dress, naked, Victorian Era dress, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bikini, kilt, star wars regalia. The choices
are limitless. Once you hone in on who you really want to piss off you should
have no problem finding the outfit that is just right. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Music</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I have to admit ever since I was a little girl I've been
dreaming of my wedding day for one reason, I'd get to pick the music. And the
music would exclude all songs made popular during the adolescence of the Baby
Boom generation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That generation needs
to be taken down a notch. They think they are so great just because there are
so many of them. For my part in the fight against those porn somewhere between
1945-1965 is to not allow 100 people in some catering hall to listen to the oldies
for 5 hours. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But that's me, let's get back to you because it's your
special day (Yes, I keep mentioning that. You're going to hear it a lot I'm
helping you get used to it.).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you
a hipster or audiophile with other audiophile friends? What better way to get
back at them than to play the most obscure music that they can't claim to have
ever heard before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Caveat, no one may dance
at this wedding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is definitely the
route for a hands on bride, one who is good at DIY projects and who have plenty
time to spend. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You either A) have to
assemble your own band of no-names to ensure no one else has ever heard of
them. Then this group either plays the wedding, or you make a recording of all
their original tunes and your dj plays these songs at the wedding. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey, no one said revenge was cheap and easy
(that's a Craigslist hooker), just like at the gym if you want to see results
you have to put the effort in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It really
could be worth it if your audiophile pals are truly obnoxious about music. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If your single friends just love bragging about how
awesome it is to not be tied-down, or for some reason you have it out for your
lonely single friends and relatives, play nothing but swing dance tunes
(Actually, any music that requires a dance partner here will work). Let's see
if those one-night stand champions were lucky enough to find a swing dance aficionado
for a date. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially, considering
swing dance's last revival <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ended in 1999
-- nearly a generation ago. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>More music options:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>no music at all-- make everyone talk to each other, death metal/gangsta
rap, a high school marching band (I bet they're a real bargain).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seating Chart</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I once attended a
wedding where the groom arranged the tables to maximize as much contention as possible.
For an argumentative contrarian such as myself I found this wedding to be a fun
one,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but I'm sure he really got back at
some people that night. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A good avenue is to divide and conquer. It worked for the
Romans. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Here's a sample seating chart to help illustrate the point</span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nvZ6EEHLwbI/VGLfghOddLI/AAAAAAAABkk/11z8tgnJwQk/s1600/Revenge%2BSeating%2Bchart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nvZ6EEHLwbI/VGLfghOddLI/AAAAAAAABkk/11z8tgnJwQk/s320/Revenge%2BSeating%2Bchart.jpg" width="247" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Of course when in doubt you can always just sit people
with their parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one wants to
spend a party with their parents or their kids. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>4.
The Menu</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There are tons of things to do with a menu. It really
depends on how far you're willing to take your revenge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You literally could kill someone, and if that
person needs to die,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>what better time
for him/her to meet his/her maker than on your special day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me there is too much collateral damage
to get my revenge this route. For example an revengee could ruin the bathroom
and then the revenge is on you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But here are some options if you really looking for
answers in this area.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trick a vegan into
eating honey or chicken stock etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make
sure every menu item consists of some sort of dairy product so the lactose
intolerant can't escape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make it a cash
bar, or even worse provide no liquor at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You could really make people sad with any of the following:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kosher menu, Vegan menu, or Pot luck--make
them do the work. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">5. The Ceremony</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">The ceremony you can go the traditional route. You and
your partner to be can go on and on and on and on and on about your love. Its
perfectness. Its divinity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its once in a
millenia-ness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The point of course is to
make your wedding guests feel insecure about their own relationships. To make the
wedding guests jealous that their marriages are just run of the mill and not
storybook like yours. It is not very creative, but it works. A tried and true
revenge method that will have many on the guest list nauseated. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But why phone it in? The ceremony can be so much fun and
where you can really let your revenge creativity fly. </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Are you an anarchist who hates the government? Turn the
wedding into an elaborate commitment ceremony. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know the old saying? "I don't need a
piece of paper to know I'm committed to you."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don't file taxes anyway, so it's not like
you need this thing government sanctioned in order file jointly. Or go bolder.
Hold your wedding on the Washington Mall without a permit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have the government pay for your honey moon
accommodations by spending the night free of charge in their jail. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Instead maybe you're a law-abiding conservative related
to a bunch of free-wheeling hippies. If so it's clear you're getting married in
a church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Catholic Church is good,
so is an Evangelical Church, though I'd stay away from the Pentecostals the
fact that they bring snakes into their worship could backfire because the
hippies could see the presence of the snakes as communing with nature. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then again you might have a grudge with the clergy
themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If that's the case you can
go two routes. The first is simple. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just
leave religion out of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have a civil
service.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>City Hall marriages are usually
cheaper than church weddings anyway. The problem with this first option is the
clergy who wronged you don't get to know how angry you are at them. Heck, they
might not even know you're getting married. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If you need to stick it in the clergy's face try this
second option.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here's how it could play
out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You and your future spouse get married
down at City Hall before the wedding. This is to ensure you get married, just
in case the clergyperson flees in the middle of the ceremony.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the day of the ceremony as the groom
stands at the altar (or whomever is standing at the alter- this is your special
day) send in the fire jugglers and unicycle riders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At this point you get the Polyphonic Spree
(or a cheap imitation of the group) to surround the guests in their pews. Once
surrounded have the Polyphonic Spree start exalting Juno the Roman god of
marriage, in song or chant or however <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you</i>
want. (Well, you know why.)</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Next, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>you walk
down the aisle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And just when it seems
like all the craziness has subsided an actor who looks like a young Dustin
Hoffman should barge into the ceremony and scream, "Elaine! Elaine"
and he looks around realizes something is amiss and then sheepishly says,
"Oops, sorry wrong wedding." <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Or save yourself time and just have a Satanist wedding.
That's sure to piss everyone off. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">6. The Wedding
Party</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">You can't say you were never the bride because look at
you, you're planning your special day. But what is more hurtful then not ever
being a bride? Never being asked to be a bridesmaid. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, I hear that, man. So fuck'em. have no
bridal party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Or instead, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have a
huge wedding party. Constantly tell each one of your bridesmaid how close you
feel to them. Sit each one down and have a heart to heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let he/she know he/she feels like a sister to
you. Express how you don't know if you would have survived life up until this
point if he/she were not in your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lay it on thick and then watch them squirm and awkwardly smile back at
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bonus, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they all have to buy the ugly bridesmaid
dress. It's fantastic. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Another option is to hire actors to pretend to be your
wedding party. Come up with a fabulous back story. For example, you guys met
years ago in Patagonia. Now every year you meet up and travel the world
searching for extreme adventures and beach front resorts. . How out of the loop
the guests will feel having no idea who these people are, or that you did this
with your life, or that you had the money to do this with your life. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">I hope the list was helpful in at least getting you started. And remember there are no hard and fast rules, you're the bride you can take revenge in any way you see fit. It is of course your special day. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"></span>
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rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-371148347195932302013-11-20T12:01:00.001-05:002013-11-20T12:01:18.780-05:00Feminism Didn't Think of Everything: Let Her Sit Down. I know I know I know. All people are beautiful. Hollywood and Madison Avenue's definitions aren't going to limit our definition of beauty. <br />
<br />
Yielding to that point to all y'all. I maintain that most people don't want to be called fat or overweight or obese or gerthful. And you know what? I am guessing despite us knowing that we are all beautiful inside and out no matter our appearance we wouldn't go up to someone and say, "Hey fatty, how is it going?" Unless of course fatty was the person's name (I'm sure it's Gaelic somehow.) or some ironic nickname. <br />
<br />
My point? Offer up your seat when you see a woman standing up on the subway or, if you live in a non-mass transit area, any place where seating is limited. We must go back to this antiquated custom of giving up our seat to a lady if we want to avoid having to make judgement calls about who is fat and who is pregnant. What we do know is that a man is just fat he is not possibly pregnant--Science hasn't come that far yet, and if does I doubt men will ever take Science up on the offer. <br />
<br />
Now, if you have a retail job, or bartending gig, or a job as a security guard at a museum wear your uniform when you're riding mass transit. Donning your work clothes will let us all know you stand for a living and the rest of us will give you a pass for not giving up your seat for a lady. <br />
<br />
So if you don't want to open a door or pull out a chair or walk on the street side of the sidewalk (or is it the building side?) if you don't want to pick up the check for dinner, if you don't want to let the ladies into the life-raft of a sinking ship first, or help her with her coat. Fine. But get your ass up because she might be pregnant. Yes, even that 80 year old looking lady because science has come that far, and you don't know, she could just be a 40 year old with bad posture who refuses to dye her hair.<br />
<br />
Let's spare people's feelings and pretend everyone is with child. Can I get an Amen?<br />
<br />rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-76329915890499012982013-11-19T12:02:00.000-05:002013-11-20T12:03:49.927-05:00Sports Ball every TuesdayThis Week Aaron, David and I talk sports like we do every Tuesday. This is football heavy. It's an hour long.<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1110882015"><br /></a>
<a href="http://thisweekinblackness.com/2013/11/19/giants-superbowl-march/">http://thisweekinblackness.com/2013/11/19/giants-superbowl-march/</a>rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-18325688199302611932013-11-18T12:14:00.001-05:002013-11-18T12:15:27.578-05:00An Empty Mind Can't Empty Itself My idea for my return to the quaint old custom of blogging was to type each day about the wedding until the day of my wedding. Then I realized I wasn't that interested in my own wedding, so why would you be. I understand limiting the blog to an easily identifiable subject matter is how things are done. I believe we call it branding. However, if I was any good at branding I would be much further ahead financially. Instead of joining the world I can't beat I'm just going to continue to do my own thing in the corner like that spazzy kid at day camp.<br />
<br />
----<br />
A somewhat popular life is to give up attachment to people, places, things, goals, wants (you know nouns). The idea is that if you don't care about the outcome or if you don't have wants you'll lessen your psychic suffering. OK. Sure. I get it. If I just go about my day not concerning myself with the outcome that seems like a way to avoid disappointment, jealousy, and self-criticism. But, isn't the changing who you are a goal? And isn't having a goal an attachment? Can't person fall into all the same pitfalls while trying to avoid the pitfalls?<br />
<br />
There I'd be looking around freaking out. I can't believe I still give a shit about achieving and attaining things. When will I ever master this non-attachment philosophy? Look at Shelly. She totally doesn't give a shit about anything. But really that's only because she already achieved her goals and her kids are grown. She can look all smug and self-satisfied, but I know the truth she was born with 10 times the advantages to not being attached. <br />
<br />
I know when I'm finally free of my wants and desires then I'll be happy. I can't wait to live in the present. My future will be so awesome when I'm living in the present not like all my years before where I was looking back and hoping for a better day.<br />
<br />
Oh wait. No. I'm doing it again. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I can't think like that. Oh shit. Now I'm not self-accepting. Ugh. I'm not self-accepting that I don't self-accept. So now do I just accept how I want to change? Or is the wanting to change the problem? But if I don't change then I'll still want a comedy career and a new filing cabinet. My mind is a filing cabinet and once I take out all the files then life will begin a new. So I just have to empty my mind. First I need to let go of wanting a mind.<br />
<br />
Man, I think I just save for a trip to New Zealand. rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-20880274121310438032013-11-15T10:01:00.001-05:002013-11-15T11:33:10.661-05:00We're Back and Getting Married.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well
it's time to start up the old blog again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's been awhile since I posted. Since that
last time I've posted I've lost all my readership. Can't blame them this isn't <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Catch-22</i> I don't expect people to reread
these gems day in and day out. With no new content why bother?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh sure there are always new typos to spot in
the old the stuff, but I get it you're all gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then if you're not there who is you? It's
getting to be like a time travel movie only lonelier. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Since
last time I wrote Twitter has become all the rage and I'm not sure people read
blogs anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems people want to
ingest other's narcissism and self-involvement in 140 characters or less. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Less nuanced self-involvement doesn't seem
better, though. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You'd think it would and
yet without the room to explain yourself you can't let others know you've
haven't lost <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just makes us all seem spiritually more
gross.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn't imagine the king of
the entertaining narcissists, Spalding Grey, being as engaging in a 140
characters. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What am I saying? That <a href="https://twitter.com/RachaelParenta" target="_blank">I am now </a>on Twitter because <a href="https://twitter.com/elonjames" target="_blank">Elon Jame White</a> made me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He fake employs me as a real co-host for<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><a href="http://thisweekinblackness.com/" target="_blank"><u>This Week in Blackness's</u></a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>sports show <a href="https://twitter.com/SPORTSBALL_TWiB" target="_blank">"Sports Ball.</a>"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My best friend <a href="https://twitter.com/AnnaRKey4Prez" target="_blank">Anna </a>is also on Twitter. She had to be she was running
for President last election cycle. She'll be running again in 2016. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My boyfriend Jack does not have a twitter
account he has to stay off the grid now and then.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
with all of you gone. I restart as I began, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>typing from a cubicle into the ether to see if
someone is interested. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least my law
suit is settled.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I'm
engaged to be married. No, unfortunately, not to Jack. Someone who is away that
often isn't great husband material. Husbands are good for reaching things
that are placed up high and if the husband isn't there to reach the high
things, well, then what's the point?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, I'm marrying a tall man. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sorry did I type "Husband?" I should type "Spouse."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For short men should get themselves a tall
wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two tall people really shouldn't
marry one another, it just isn't fair to the rest of us. Sadly, they do
anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two short people should definitely
not marry one another unless they are acrobatic and are comfortable standing on
one another's shoulders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Anti-marriage
people will tell you that you don't need a spouse you can just get a step-stool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is only sort of true.
Having been short my whole life I've owned a step stool and they aren't always high
enough. Of course the anti-marriage people will argue that you can just get a
ladder. I say you never took a Theater lighting class in college. For if you
did you would know that safety calls for a second person to be holding the
ladder (yes, even an A framed one) while you scurry up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you're going to need the second person
anyway, why not marry a tall person to split living expenses <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>and use your ladder-storing space to store
winter sweaters or coats? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
anti-marriage people are usually ant-wedding people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Me, I'm more anti-wedding industry. The wedding people are the party version of the funeral people. They see you coming and they want to empty your
pockets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called a venue <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and told them I was interested in a Karate
Banquet (yes those exist, I went to at least 6 of them.<sup>1</sup>) on a
Saturday night. My mother called the same place and wanted a wedding on a
Saturday . Guess which event was more expensive by like 30%? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I get being anti that bullshit. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>However,
ant-wedding people seem to be upset that a marrying couple get to make a big
show of their commitment, get special day and special party all for the no
big deal of getting married.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meanwhile, anti-marriage/wedding people get no such party or fanfare because they choose to remain single. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I say, "Oh no no no<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>no no." A wedding isn't your special
day. That is what birthdays are for. Your birthday is your special day and
everyone gets those. That's when you invite your friends out to bowl or roller-skate
and make it all about you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when
your birthday ends in a zero like 30, 40, 50, 100. You get to have a really big
party at a venue with an open bar, or a cash bar. What's even better is
that someone else might surprise you with it, meaning you don't have to be
bothered with any of the tedious planning. ANDDDDD, you don't have to pay
wedding prices to celebrate. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Meanwhile,
a wedding is all about everyone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
it were up to me my wedding would be a bowling, roller-skating, beach wedding. But then my
mother would have a heart attack, which would mean no wedding at all-it's in bad taste to have a wedding when your mom just died. And, who would have the time? What? With all the mourning and handing over our bank accounts to the funeral parlor. You don't get gifts for a funeral. You get
flowers which you can't sell to offset the cost of the funeral.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">- </span>So no, the wedding has to be somewhere my mother's
heart can stand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>most of the elderly relatives wouldn't be able
to participate in the bowling/skating,/beach fun. So no fun for anyone. We will sit and eat dinner and
then dance badly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then
all of a sudden your father decides he has to invite his whole platoon from
Korea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite you not having met these
men ever, despite my father not having seen these men in decades, and despite
they were in Korea during the Vietnam War, so they're not so much a band of
brothers as they are a band of second cousins and distant acquaintances. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they must be invited otherwise my father's
feelings will be hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is crazy
because dad's feelings have been hiding in his Korean barracks for 40 years.
(Note I did not say foxhole because it wasn't really needed at the time.) Which means now you can't have a smaller wedding at a cute restored carriage house, you have to have a bigger wedding at a place with less character.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
list goes on and on, like not being able to afford a summer or fall wedding so
we have to have it in the winter, which means we now need to become pagans so
we can pray to the appropriate gods who deal in snow and blizzards. The popular
gods of today are useless in weather as they deal in everyday suffering and
Cancer. Of course our winter wedding has to be after the Superbowl if we don't
want half the wedding hiding out in the bathroom watching playoff games on
their phones when they should be dancing and pretending to enjoy it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>"So
why do it?" Anti-wedding people ask. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I really want a standing mixer. And
because weddings and funerals are the rare times that people stop with the rat
race, take a breath (a possibly resentful one) and make time to see each
other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so I take their needs into
consideration, which is something I don't do for my birthday because everyone
is too busy to come to that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<![endif]-->rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-31266665054072595772011-09-07T14:53:00.005-04:002012-10-09T12:59:26.097-04:00Two Twenty Five is a lot for Some People<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> <w:dontbreakconstrainedforcedtables/> <w:dontvertalignintxbx/> 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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />New York City the self -proclaimed "Greatest City in the World." Sure it's expensive but that money pays for non-stop excitement-even at 11:00am on a Saturday morning in the safe neighborhood of 59th Street and Lexington Avenue in Manhattan.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Commute<br />
Rachael Parenta</span></b></div>
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<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Saturday August 6, 2011<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>11:00am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My boyfriend, Patrick, and I are on
our way home from work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I work with moving
companies, which specialize in corporate moves, disconnecting and reconnecting
the moving employees’ computers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes,
this is a job.* <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My job requires me to crawl around under desks,
and I dress appropriately for the task at hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m wearing baggy, camouflaged, cargo pants I bought at a store called
Phat Alberts* in their boys section ($10), perfectly complimented by my company
issued gray golf shirt ($0).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The shirt
sort of fits my five foot one inch frame. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It looks like I’m wearing an older brother’s
hand-me downs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Patrick who stands a foot taller than me also
dons the grey, company-issued, golf shirt. We are one of those adorable couples
who wear matching outfits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just to
complete the picture that is us, I have my brown curly hair pulled back into a
bun. Patrick doesn’t have enough dirty, blonde hair to pull into an anything. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">On this day we work near Lexington
Avenue and E. 59<sup>th</sup> street*.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sak’s and Brooks Brothers are located here.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Patrick passes through the turnstile
ahead of me with ease and waits, lost in his thoughts. I stand with my metro
card* in hand ready to swipe it at the turnstile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I continue to stand in the non-crowded,
subway station repeatedly swiping my card. The little, swipey machine mocks me
over and over as it tells me to "please swipe again at this
turnstile." “You’re going too fast.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Swipe. “No, now it’s too slow.” Swipe. “No, you didn’t swipe it with
enough class.” Swipe. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Again, for the
cheap seats in the back.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Swipe. “Try
flicking your wrists.” Yes, through all the fare hikes the NYC MTA* has
levied they have yet to upgrade their magnetic strip reading device.* <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think to myself, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm lucky that a bunch of ambitious, in-a-rush
New Yorkers aren't in back of me telling me to fuck myself! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Silly
and optimistically, I count my lucky stars so soon. As I battle with the
turnstile I notice a woman standing in front of me on the other side of the
turnstile. Kind of like if one of us was visiting the other in prison. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She seems to want to exit the subway platform,
but she does not move to one of the many empty turnstiles to my right. Weird.
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Finally,
the steel Praetorian Guard of the 4,5,6,Q,N, R trains reads my metro card and
let me pass. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:02am</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">However,
this lady does not let me pass. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She mumbles
something at me that I cannot make out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just keep walking down the subway platform toward the stairs that lead
to my train, ignoring the pale lady with dull, orange hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She follows me, her chunky body surprisingly
nimble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She starts out behind me
standing near the turnstile to all of sudden inches from the right side of my
face. She repeats her inaudible utterance toward me. What do I do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only sensible thing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I yell in her face, "WHAT?!" and
run. She follows me. I stop running. I could keep running but that means
running down to the next level where the QNR trains travel. Running down a
flight of stairs is dangerous. Then of course I could run all the way
downstairs keeping my footing the whole time only to have to stop and wait for
my train to arrive. It’s a Saturday I could be waiting until Monday for a
train.* Will she follow me on the train? Will I have to out run her when I
arrive in Flatbush?* No, I’ll just stop now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
assess she is not a panhandler. Beggars in NYC don’t chase you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, a person in need asks for money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then you either give it to him or her, ignore
the person, or say, “No.” Next the individual walks away or lets you walk away.
This is a city of 8 million people someone else will be along shortly. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Why
do I run? I don’t know. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m stopped by
random strangers all the time. Usually people want directions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s one of the many burdens of looking
non-threatening; if only I were long-legged and sexy people would be
intimidated by my beauty. This is the first time I respond with a 17 yard
dash.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it is the way the pupils of
her green eyes looked kind of like “Children of the Corn” eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it is her own horrible outfit:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>too tight, jean shorts and an ugly white
t-shirt, which was tight in all the wrong places. Maybe it is everything put
together. My instincts said to run, and those instincts were right. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:09am</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She
gets in my face and yells at me for yelling at her. I try explaining to her this
is New York and her behavior is threatening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yes, I’m trying to rationalize with a person whose two eyes refuse to
focus on the same point. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As quickly as a
speed ball stops a heart she randomly changes tactics. She starts telling me a
sob story. She tells me all she needs is some help. And then she keeps talking.
I now know more about this woman than I do any of neighbors and none of them
have ever chased me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She hails from
South Boston, she claims she is pregnant, which explains why her shirt fits
weirdly. She is on her way to her first-born’s birthday party. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, she and her mating partner don’t
want to let a single egg go unfertilized. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:10am
(the sob story)</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She
is lost. Someone took her purse and her wallet. “Don’t you feel guilty now?”
she asks. “Um, no.” I reply. And here I discover her motive for blocking the
turnstile. She asks, “How would you like it if I took your bag and wallet?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is some sort of attempted mugging.
And that’s the thing, being mugged by a woman. It takes forever. There is
so much talking. “Dude,” I respond “I don’t have any money.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which isn’t entirely true.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have three dollars in my wallet; that is in
my black messenger bag; that is slung across my left shoulder. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She continues the mugging by guilt trip and I
think “Are you trying to mug me or are we breaking up.” I walk away. She
steps in front of me and takes a fighting stance. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:12am</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My
knight in a grey polyester shirt finally appears. Patrick steps in between us. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Patrick was waiting for me to beat
her down. When I didn’t he thought maybe he should prevent me from receiving a
beat down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My
assailant changes from ex-con to doctor Phil and asks Patrick, “What are you
doing with her? You could do so much better.” And I was like, “Thank you.
I knew my mother was wrong about him, he <i>is</i> a catch.” I can’t wait
to shove the opinion of a crack head in mom’s face. I guess Miss Southy 2011
figures if she can’t steal my money she can try to steal my man. I know dating
in New York City is cut throat, but to have your boyfriend mugged away from
you—only in New York.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She remains in her fighting stance as she
flirts with Patrick. Patrick tries to defuse the situation. He raises his hands
and frames his face -- like a human sunflower. He stands between us. “Hey let’s
all relax here.” Yadda yadda, Soothing soothing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
emotional mugger, who I now decide looks like one of those third-party, mayoral
candidates* and is as logical, would not be deterred. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She tries to get at me by going around my
boyfriend. So I put up my fists. And she starts criticizing my fighting stance.
“What are you doing? You don’t even know how to fight? You got to put your
hands up like this." Rocky Marciano proceeds to bring her hands so far up
that her elbows are by her chin and her forearms are completely blocking her
vision. I see my moment, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> to
diffuse the situation, but to prove that it is <i>she</i> who has the stupid
fighting stance. I reach around my boyfriend and push her hands in her face.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Or
so I wanted to. Instead I just feel a little hurt. She reiterates that she is
pregnant. I snap back, “Pregnant or just fat?” Hey, she started with the
insults. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
ask myself why am I not putting my fist through her throat?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why am I standing here dealing with
this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s about ten minutes
already.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re just standing here. I studied karate for
20 years. Yes. Surprise! I know how to throw a punch and a straight forward
kick. This could have ended 8 minutes ago after she chased me. She is only 3
inches or so taller than me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But no. I
wasted 20 years of study, training, and practice. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>are in this stand-off underground. Every
now again a random person passes us and says nothing. They call no one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And she keeps telling us she’s pregnant. I
keep saying random things like, “How can you be pregnant? You’re drunk at
11:00am.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why the time of day she was
drunk is supposed to disprove her claims of pregnancy I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Patrick keeps trying to calm everyone down.
She denies being drunk. In fairness she is probably on something illegal. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She
does not walk away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will not shut up
and Patrick still has his hands up—sunflower still in full bloom. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:16am</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This
thought <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">does not</i> occur to me “Well,
she is between us and the track and we can turn around and run out of the
subway station.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:16:15am</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
notice there is an underground newsstand. Maybe the purveyor of the stand has a
land line. My little legs make a break for the newsstand. I leave Patrick in
the dark about my plan because she isn’t deaf.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She chases me. Patrick tries to stay in between us. But he can’t. And he
can’t hit her. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s a 6 foot tall man. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’d get arrested even though she was in the
wrong. He might not get convicted, but who wants to be finger printed, and
spend the day at the precinct as this all gets sorted out. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
get to the convenience store that really is just an alcove in the wall of the
subway station.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Panicked. I ask the man
behind the counter to call the cops. He declines. The phone hangs on the wall
15 feet in front of my face. His inertia mocks me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why can’t this guy be one of those blue
collar heroes the Daily News* loves to write about? Dude, think of the free
publicity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who wouldn’t want to buy a
bag of peanuts from the “Subway Bodega Hero?” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She
arrives seconds later and goes for me. I step back and throw a lame kick. I
move backward while throwing it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
lands in her abdomen, but not very hard. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Candy
bars fall from pyramid of snacks for sale. The store owner yells at us to get
out of his store. “Just call the cops. She’s terrorizing me!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Patrick gets in between the two of us again.
“No, get out. Go to the station agent.*” A little audience has gathered to see
the free drama.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They kept a safe
distance. I implore them to “HELP!” but they don’t. Now Ms. Crazy starts
saying, “You kicked me in the stomach. I’m pregnant. All these people heard me
tell you before you kicked me.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You
attacked me.” I reply with incredulity. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“No.
You kicked a pregnant woman.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I
barely kicked you” it was a shameful kick, I’m humiliated by that kick.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Her
constant mentioning of her pregnancy was really weird. Maybe this isn’t a
mugging but con. Her plan: to harass me until I beat her. Then she sues me for
injuring her and her unborn child that doesn’t exist. She claims I caused the
miscarriage, an extra $50,000.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or she
never actually sues me, but threatens suit in order to get paid cash on sight. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She
picked the wrong mark. I have no assets. Sure there’s my college education, but
all that’s worth is a part time job plugging in computers. She’d be better off
suing her crack dealer. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
news stand idea was a bust. No one helped us. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:22am</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I run again. She stops by the station agent
booth. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Good go report me, whore. You’re
the one with criminal record.</i> And again instead of running out of the
station I run down the stairs toward the NRQ trains.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
want to have to pay an extra $2.25 to get back into the subway. I figure we
have time to wait for our train it’s going to take forever for the cops to come
and her to file a report. By that time I’ll be cruising over the Manhattan
Bridge. Huzzah! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:23am</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
train arrives. We are about to get on the train. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wait. Where is Patrick? He is still upstairs. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, he is distracting her and trying
to keep her from coming down the stairs. How am I supposed to know that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unaware of what is going on upstairs I yell
for him from the lower level platform. I yell, “Eileen! Eileen.” That’s the
name his mother would have named him if he were a girl. I don’ want to yell his
actual name. I don’t want her to know it. Shockingly, Patrick does not reply to
“Eileen” being shouted. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:25am</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t just leave him with the nut job. If I
get on the train who is going to stand-by his side? Who will agitate her more
while at the same time not subdue her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The train pulls out of the station with none of us on it. Oh how I just
want to go home. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They
came down together, thankfully, not hand in hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Patrick again stands between us where she
then starts trying to coax me to fight her. “You’re\a such a coward? You’re
sucha pussy you have to hide behind your boyfriend?” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Uh.
This is actually the gender appropriate response. I'm a girl. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm not supposed to have an ego so fragile
that I can't walk away from a fight. You can’t emasculate me. I was never
born with testicles.” </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:26am</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Another
Q train arrives at the station within a couple of minutes. This one is going in
the wrong direction to Queens*.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There
are people down here waiting for the subway. They of course make their way to
different cars as the Q train doors open. We take our Sartre play on the Q
train to Queens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We
stand near the doors. She has her back to the end of one bench. Patrick stands
facing her with his back to me. I stand behind him with my back to the
beginning of the next bench of seats. The handful of passengers in the car with
us are very engrossed in their books, smart phone solitaire, and their music.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ride east through the darkness of the subway
tunnel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess the con is over because
now she just tries to grab Patrick’s wallet out of his back pocket. But I stand
right there. I pull her hand off his wallet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I take his wallet and put in my messenger bag. I don’t put her hand in a
wrist lock. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now she
grabs after my messenger bag. I take her hand off my bag. Oh the germs she
probably carries. Ugh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She never gets a
good grasp because she has to reach around Patrick. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:27am</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Look,
lady! I’m not willing to spend an extra 2 dollars to get away from you. What
kind of money do you think I have?” She tries kicking me despite Patrick
being in her way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She calms down for a
second, collecting herself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:28am</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She
whips out a hypodermic needle and waves it in Patrick’s face, “You don’t want
me to stick you with this.” Patrick’s sunflower wilts as he says, “OK now
you’ve threatened me with deadly force. I will punch you in the face.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She puts the needle away and says, “I have no
reason to live.” </span></div>
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begins to slide into the subway car. Sun! Hope! The train was in Queens on an
elevated rail. Never have I been so happy to be in Queens. </span></div>
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<u><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">11:29am</span></u></div>
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Plaza next stop,” the PA system informs me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You better believe it is!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grab
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remove myself from the distraction that is this walking Lifetime movie I walk
across the car to the opposite door. Oops. Now Patrick is no longer between us.
As I dial 911 and try to talk to the operator as our assailant continues to
assail me with kicks. Unable to talk to the <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>911 operator and defend myself the Ginger
lands a kick on my shin. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“She just
kicked me in the shin, “ I told 911.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
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bothered to whip out a cell phone and record it. I mean that could have been my
big break, a viral You Tube video. I could have been a guest on the <u>Today
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rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-49845745228306716832011-07-18T23:51:00.007-04:002011-08-16T14:12:12.633-04:00trophies are only important to parentsA month or so back there was a little league game. This little league game was a blowout. One side was kicking the tiny asses of the other side. At one point an umpire called a kid from the ass kicking team out at first base--supposedly, the kid was safe by a figurative mile. When the umpire was asked (or more likely harassed by parents) about his call he replied, "I was trying to even things out." The parents in the stand for the ass kicking team were completely up in arms. The parents so blinded by their rage, totally overlooked the fact the umpire clearly lied. The umpire just wanted to go home. Umpires get paid by the game not the hour.
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<br />Somehow this story made it's way from the little league field to my parents' dinner table. Yes, my parents, who are not grandparents, whose only child is a 30 something woman were discussing this little league. My parents who don't watch professional sports never mind little league games were nearly as livid as those parents. "This is the problem with this country. The kids are coddled. 'They're' killing competition. No one's feelings can get hurt anymore." Is that what this was about? I mean, one team did get to win, and win by a large margin. What about the lesson of compassion and being a good winner?
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EWxGhzv77KY/TkqwMOUG63I/AAAAAAAAA1w/rFGget_dSM4/s1600/spaniel%2Bpuppy.jpeg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 241px; height: 209px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EWxGhzv77KY/TkqwMOUG63I/AAAAAAAAA1w/rFGget_dSM4/s320/spaniel%2Bpuppy.jpeg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641515207282322290" border="0" /></a>
<br />If those little league parents (or my own parents for that matter) saw a little springer spaniel puppy on the street and she seemed hungry would they just pass the adorable puppy with the sad, droopy eyes. "Suck it puppy. Learn to fend for yourself. It's Darwinism. Only the strong shall survive. You can't find food on your own. You are loser, puppy. " And the springer spaniel comes over to you slowly because it's so hungry and tries to lick your face because it's a springer spaniel it loves everyone. And those parents would respond, "Get away, springer spaniel! I'm trying to hurt your feelings and make you a tough self-reliant citizen. I want you to be cut throat. When you see a pregnant dog on the subway don't give up your seat. That fat bitch should have moved faster or worked harder so she could afford a cab." </div>
<br /><div></div>I wonder if these heartless parents realize how unimportant sports is in the lives of children. I played soccer, softball, and basketball as a kid before I ever entered high school. I might remember three coaches I had in that time. The remember snippets of a handful of games, though not the outcome of a single one. What I do remember from childhood is trying to convince one of the girls who lived on my block that the baby powder that I had put in a small container was cocaine. Yes, at 10 years of age me and a couple of other kids wanted to trick our other neighbor we were doing coke. Sadly, for us she never believed us. That was the same girl we tried getting to jump out of the second floor window she used to lean out of to talk to us. She almost did, but because we had compassion and really didn't understand the principles of "survival of the fittest" we said, "No. No. No! We were just kidding."
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<br />In the end I really just think the umpire wanted to go home. Stop picking on puppies and less than smart neighborhood kids.
<br />rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-74991353093899363812011-07-18T23:39:00.003-04:002011-07-18T23:51:10.378-04:00Some Advice for OverseasIf you haven't heard the country of Greece has a debt crisis. So Greece in an effort to pay back their loans is trying to cut spending. I say to Greece, "Why?" Be like the million of Americans and just default. What's the worst that could happen? Will Greece's wages be garnished? Of course not no one works to have wages to be garnished. You can't put a whole country in debtors prison. Are some bond holders going to reposses your car? No, they didn't lend you money to buy a car. Greece, just go on as if nothing happened. And don't answer the phone when you get a call from a number you don't recogonize or a "restricted number" don't answer. It's been working for college students for generations why not for one of the oldest civilizations in the world?rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-50863946949713127842011-07-17T23:36:00.003-04:002011-07-18T23:51:24.630-04:00The Wrong StrategyCongratulations to Japan's women's soccer team. Sure the Japanese women played a good game, but really the American ladies gave the game away. The never instituted the Puppy Offense. Yes, the Puppy Offence, a well know though seldom used formation that can be very effective against the right opponent. Germany of course would not be the right opponent. However, Japan has that particular weakness that is vulnerable to the Puppy Offense. The Japanese are obsessed with all things cute. So if the Americans had armed their bench players with adorable, little, cuddley, puppies and then at the precise moment bumrushed the sidelines waving the puppies over their heads, well the Japanese women would have had no choice but to gawfaw over the puppies. Distracted by cuteness the Americans would have scored easily, several times perhaps.<br /><br />To protect your own team from the use of the Puppy Offense you make sure the team spends at least a week caring for the puppies. The Americans have to walk the dogs 4 times a day, feed them, play with them, nurture them and sometimes clean up their doggy mess by the time the game rolled around the Americans would have been "so over" those little shit machines and therefore immune to their cuteness.<br /><br />When playing the Germans you just have to say, (in German of course) "Ooo. Look. The French!" And watch the ladies run off the field to invade.rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-63624902877815586012011-06-27T08:45:00.002-04:002011-06-27T09:10:26.707-04:00Let's Keep it Right HereSo, last week we discussed the (OK, fine I had the discussion with 3 people in the internet ether.) attitudes of the people over 55. Today we stay on this topic.<br /><br />Not only do people, of advanced ages, think the world is going to hell, they also think today's youth is soft. The examples frequently cited are how they all get trophies without regard to actual performance, bullying is now against the law, the kids are all medicated, etc etc. I wonder if their grandparents had the same complaints. "Look at these kids today, they live in apartment building with either hardwood floors or carpets. In my day we had to fight the Cherokee for our land, then kill a bunch of buffalo for food, clothes and use their bones to make a home. We slept on dirt floors next to all types of vermin. These little pansies go to go school all day. How does easy living in a school prepare someone for citizenship? You got to either till the land from dawn to dusk or lose half your digits in a factory, that's the way to build character. Do you see how now they got this thing air conditioning? Death by heat just thins out the heard, kills off the weak. Now we’re going to have all these lesser people walking around sucking up resources the rest of us could be using. I'll tell you, these children born past 1938 are soft. I pray for the future of this country."<br /><br />I'm just saying, suffering doesn't make you a better person it just makes you suffer.rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-51757764641717253822011-06-22T11:32:00.002-04:002011-06-22T11:40:07.558-04:00The Inverse Age Hypothesis: CaringWhy is it the older a person is the more the seem to care that the world is going to shit? The older you are the less years you have left on the planet. What do you care about what happens to the world? You'll be dead in few years anyway. Older Americans like to say things similar to, "Ahh. no one speaks English anymore." I respond, "So? In 6 months your dementia will be full blown. You won't be able to understand any language."<br /><br />Meanwhile, people in their early 20s don't seem to bothered by the direction their world is taking despite having 6 more decades to live through.* You tell them about nuclear waste leaking from corroding pipes into the bay and they respond, "Bummer. You know what? Fast and Furious 6 is coming out next week. I'm so excited.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">*exception to this rule is when they are being drafted into a war.</span>rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-19405023193214856322011-06-20T09:41:00.002-04:002011-06-20T09:52:40.024-04:00It's Been Awhile. It's Time to Contribute More Chatter Into the VoidThe politicians from NY State are at it again, more digital sending of what are supposed to be sexy pictures to random strangers found on the internet. I am not concerned about taking time out of my day to write on this subject because I'm sure Anthony Wiener will not be the last politician to "sext" so any funny I come up with I'll be able to use again down the line. <br /><br />I'm so sure this isn't the last we'll see of this stupidity because the technology will continue to exist. Politicians could never do this kind of thing in the past. Think about how time consuming it would be to send a revealing picture of yourself in the 1800s. First, you'd have to hire a sketch artist, preferably some who works with charcoal. Next, you have to find time in your day to pose for the artist and god forbid the temperature in the room changes you'll have to start all over again. After you get your drawing done you have to send your assistant down to the pony express office and mail your drawing. The drawing would be addressed to "First 19 year old girl you see in the main square, Wichita, Kansas." If you want to send more than one you have to do the whole thing over again it could take months.<br /><br />Even the sexually free Ancient Greeks couldn't really do this. A Greek senator would have go up to random women and ask them back to a cave to see some shadow puppets.rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11942972.post-84065865624615470792011-04-05T23:39:00.002-04:002011-04-05T23:48:18.118-04:00I Get It!So for years I've been very against these wars in the Middle East. It's clear they are for oil. I don't care about oil. I have a bike, I have two working feet. Granted without oil I couldn't travel internationally or across the country, but I have Netflix and 8 seasons of <span style="font-style: italic;"> Monk </span>I can stream for years and year of enrichment and enjoyment. We have plenty of coal and natural gas right here in the USA to keep my computer and wireless router running for as long as need to stream Netflix videos. <br /><br />That was my mind set. I thought only evil sociopaths like Dick Cheney were for oil wars. I couldn't sympathize with these war hawks. But then everything went nuts in the Ivory Coast. The chocolate supply chain has been ruptured. Chocolate prices will soon reach record heights. Why did it take the UN so long to go in and stabilize the region. People were suffering. A man refused to acknowledge he lost re-election. And I need my chocolate at affordable prices.<br /><br />I figure if we can spend billions of dollars to keep oil prices down why can't we spend billions to free chocolate producing countries from tyranny as well? Women everywhere will be grateful.rachaelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07353592527730907915noreply@blogger.com0