Monday, July 18, 2011

trophies are only important to parents

A month or so back there was a little league game. This little league game was a blowout. One side was kicking the tiny asses of the other side. At one point an umpire called a kid from the ass kicking team out at first base--supposedly, the kid was safe by a figurative mile. When the umpire was asked (or more likely harassed by parents) about his call he replied, "I was trying to even things out." The parents in the stand for the ass kicking team were completely up in arms. The parents so blinded by their rage, totally overlooked the fact the umpire clearly lied. The umpire just wanted to go home. Umpires get paid by the game not the hour.

Somehow this story made it's way from the little league field to my parents' dinner table. Yes, my parents, who are not grandparents, whose only child is a 30 something woman were discussing this little league. My parents who don't watch professional sports never mind little league games were nearly as livid as those parents. "This is the problem with this country. The kids are coddled. 'They're' killing competition. No one's feelings can get hurt anymore." Is that what this was about? I mean, one team did get to win, and win by a large margin. What about the lesson of compassion and being a good winner?

If those little league parents (or my own parents for that matter) saw a little springer spaniel puppy on the street and she seemed hungry would they just pass the adorable puppy with the sad, droopy eyes. "Suck it puppy. Learn to fend for yourself. It's Darwinism. Only the strong shall survive. You can't find food on your own. You are loser, puppy. " And the springer spaniel comes over to you slowly because it's so hungry and tries to lick your face because it's a springer spaniel it loves everyone. And those parents would respond, "Get away, springer spaniel! I'm trying to hurt your feelings and make you a tough self-reliant citizen. I want you to be cut throat. When you see a pregnant dog on the subway don't give up your seat. That fat bitch should have moved faster or worked harder so she could afford a cab."

I wonder if these heartless parents realize how unimportant sports is in the lives of children. I played soccer, softball, and basketball as a kid before I ever entered high school. I might remember three coaches I had in that time. The remember snippets of a handful of games, though not the outcome of a single one. What I do remember from childhood is trying to convince one of the girls who lived on my block that the baby powder that I had put in a small container was cocaine. Yes, at 10 years of age me and a couple of other kids wanted to trick our other neighbor we were doing coke. Sadly, for us she never believed us. That was the same girl we tried getting to jump out of the second floor window she used to lean out of to talk to us. She almost did, but because we had compassion and really didn't understand the principles of "survival of the fittest" we said, "No. No. No! We were just kidding."

In the end I really just think the umpire wanted to go home. Stop picking on puppies and less than smart neighborhood kids.

Some Advice for Overseas

If you haven't heard the country of Greece has a debt crisis. So Greece in an effort to pay back their loans is trying to cut spending. I say to Greece, "Why?" Be like the million of Americans and just default. What's the worst that could happen? Will Greece's wages be garnished? Of course not no one works to have wages to be garnished. You can't put a whole country in debtors prison. Are some bond holders going to reposses your car? No, they didn't lend you money to buy a car. Greece, just go on as if nothing happened. And don't answer the phone when you get a call from a number you don't recogonize or a "restricted number" don't answer. It's been working for college students for generations why not for one of the oldest civilizations in the world?

Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Wrong Strategy

Congratulations to Japan's women's soccer team. Sure the Japanese women played a good game, but really the American ladies gave the game away. The never instituted the Puppy Offense. Yes, the Puppy Offence, a well know though seldom used formation that can be very effective against the right opponent. Germany of course would not be the right opponent. However, Japan has that particular weakness that is vulnerable to the Puppy Offense. The Japanese are obsessed with all things cute. So if the Americans had armed their bench players with adorable, little, cuddley, puppies and then at the precise moment bumrushed the sidelines waving the puppies over their heads, well the Japanese women would have had no choice but to gawfaw over the puppies. Distracted by cuteness the Americans would have scored easily, several times perhaps.

To protect your own team from the use of the Puppy Offense you make sure the team spends at least a week caring for the puppies. The Americans have to walk the dogs 4 times a day, feed them, play with them, nurture them and sometimes clean up their doggy mess by the time the game rolled around the Americans would have been "so over" those little shit machines and therefore immune to their cuteness.

When playing the Germans you just have to say, (in German of course) "Ooo. Look. The French!" And watch the ladies run off the field to invade.