Sunday, November 28, 2010

Holiday Life Lessons

Many people living in NYC did not grow up anywhere near the city. If you listen to these people talk it would seem they came to New York to flee their families and small towns. The transplants talk trash about their relatives as if their relatives thought they were the cats pajamas. Please. Trust me folks your family finds your existence just as mystifying as you find theirs. If your relatives believe in the existence of DNA they don't undertand how you guys share any of the same code.

This is what I have learned having many a Thanksgiving meal away from my actual family: no one tolerates a person more than that person's own family. Members of your family or even yourself could be the biggest douche bag out there, but your each other's douche bag. And sure they'll talk behind your back tell stories about you to their coworkers but in the end you're invited for the holidays year after year. And every year when you start in with the politics or eat all the mashed potatos without ever passing the plate to others, your family rolls its eyes and continues on.

Why? There is some kind of magic that happens when you know a person since that person's birth. Or you know a person since you were born. They know you. They know what they are getting. They may even hate you, but when it comes to family it doesn't matter because we don't know any better. You are you and we are related.

In my case my family knows I'll barely eat anything on Thanksgiving because I'm a pain in the ass when it comes to food. Are they insulted? No. I've always been picky so they just ignore it. My family knows I'll say horribly offensive and insensitive things, which they will argue againsta and call me names, and then we'll go watch football.

But when you are graciously invited to some other family's home it's cauldron of uncomfortableness. "Why are their hard bits of god knows what in these mashed potatos? What is the surprise in brocoli surprise? Really it's ok that everyone under 30 goes on the balcony and smokes up before dinner? Why don't you understand sarcasm? Why are you taking what I say literarlly? Oh god. how I long for my sociopath of a grandfather and my aunt who thinks her dog is a person, and my self-involved cousins who try to be a popular high school clique in the context of family. That's a world I understand."

So this holiday season remember you may not love your family and I'm sure they don't love you, but who cares at least you know what to expect when you're with those people.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


Be Thankful I have new football laces podcast to go along with your mashed potatos and 3 NFL games.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Thanks Government for Looking Out for Me

Big news this week, you know get molested by airport security when traveling by plane. The economists were right the holidays would arrive early this year. If only the U.S. government was concerned with all aspects of our safety. There are people in Pennsylvania who can light their water on fire, people in NJ drink hormones and anti-depressants from their drinking water, people out west have arsenic in theirs. Where are the airport security professionals to molest the household faucets of Americans. Least they can do is x-ray the water supply.

I have advice for terrorists. If you want the US government to stop thwarting your plans to harm US citizens maybe you should give up the homemade bombs and start a global company, preferably dealing in chemicals, but necessarily.

Oh yeah and their is a new football laces podcast up. Look to your right at the sidebar and click the link.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Get Yourself Married, Ladies.

Hey Ladies. Are you having trouble getting your big macho guy to take the next? Is he refusing to marry you?
I have the simple solution just tell him, "You know who doesn't get married? Gays. So are some sort of faggot who can't get married? Real men like Patton are married. Fine be a pansy ass queer and stay single and have anonymous hook-ups at bars. I just hope your parents don't find out."

There you have it question his sexuality and I'm sure he'll come around.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

football laces is up

football laces is up.

Catch me in Cranberry, PA this weekend at the funny bone. I'm opening for someone you've never heard of.

Also I might get around to writing about the new x-ray machines at the airport.

football laces look to your right and click.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Blookd in the Streets

So it was a blood bath on Election Day. Oh wait. No it wasn't. Because we live in Democracy and not military, banana republic, nor do we live in ancient history. In ancient Rome when there was a change of power, that my friends was bloody. (I’m sure it was all violent in Persia and Greece I just have yet to listen to podcasts on the history of those empires.) Back in the day the poor would remain cripplingly poor, but also they'd be raped, slaughtered and all around pillaged. That my friends is a blood bath.

Now no nothing happens when one group seizes power by receiving votes from the 40% of Americans who bother to show up to vote. Democratic cities don’t hoist a donkey banner and fortify their cities only to have the Republicans cut off the supply lines and starve the city out. Nope. No matter who is in power nothing changes for the average American. It’s just the same old same old steady decline of our earning potential and standard of living. Whatever.

Perhaps if our votes counted toward a bloody war where a gruesome death might be our fate if the wrong side wins, perhaps we the people would not be so apathetic in voting and politics. At minimum we should make politicians mud wrestle one another as part of their campaigning. Get some actual violence in this mother fucker. I bet women would start fairing better as a result of the mud wrestling.

So our choices bring back the real violence that accompanied power acquisition or stop with the stupid metaphors of violence.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Big Day. Did You Do Your Part?

It's a big day. It's election day. Now, if you don't like your choices at the polls this year, there is an alternative. For this to work you have to think of the big picture and be ready to realize your dreams years, even decades down the line.

You see today is not only election day but it is the 2nd day after Halloween. Stop into any of your box stores or regular grocery stores and see the huge discounts on bags of candy. This is your first step, stock pile the candy and low low prices. Next, use your home computer (or go to the library if you don't have a computer and your town still has a library) and google search the names of investment bankers, CEO's of evil doing companies, and other nefarious peoples. In your research determine where their offspring go to prep school. Then, wait outside there school and shovel candy into them. Try to get the kids to eat the candy in front of you, as much as they can stomach. Do not let them resell the candy to impoverished children in proximate neighborhoods. Try to ruin the prep school kids dinner. Make them too full to consume vegetables. You must do this everyday of the school year. The point is to ruin their teeth so they won't be attractive enough to be elected or possibly procreate in years to come. Also consuming massive amounts of candy day in and day out for 180 days or so should produce enough health problems that these kids won't be able to run a evil doing investment bank or company. If you die at 33 of hypertension or a heart attack or some diabetic related illness. It's hard to buy and sell politicians when you're dead or in the hospital.

Now is this plan harder than voting? Of course. Does it take more time in your life than voting once a year? Most definitely. But ask yourself this, "Do I have a job? What am I doing with my time?" You could be a superhero and save the world. You could be High Fructose Corn Syrup Man (or Woman) fighting corporate crime one future generation at a time.

Go get 'em America.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Procrastination Bug

It's election season and in some districts some politicians are talking about gay marriage. Now, for those of us who are in the arts we don't get what the big deal is regarding gay adults marrying one another. Artist, as it is widely known, are extremely self involved, so we can't fathom why anyone would care about anyone else's wedding beside their own, or of course mine.

I heard the question raised don't people have more pressing things to concern themselves with other than gay marriage? Examples given were rent, health, job security, home security, and football. And I think that question nails the problem right on the head. Anti-Gay marriage is all about procrastination. You look at your list of of uninviting things to do, like pay your credit card bill, go to the doctor, go to work, clean the bathroom, grocery shop, etc. And you say to yourself, I could get this stuff done or I could watch back to back episodes of The Nanny. Well, that's done I guess It's time to clean the bathroom, ehhh. Maybe I'll just get together with some friends and protest gay marriage. They usually have coffee and donuts. Then when I get home I'll definitely look for a job, and go to the gym.