Monday, February 28, 2011

Hodge Podge

I'm scared I made a terrible mistake. I planned a trip out of the country during the time period my internet astrologist wrote, "career opportunities will come my way." I can't believe I've yet again self-sabotaged my career like this. Let us hope there is big time entertainment industry in Peru at the Top of Machu Picchu, or at least an agent on the plane.
Meanwhile, the country seems to have declared wars on teachers. I don't think this really had to do with the budget or unions, I think we hate teachers. It's their own fault really. If they weren't so yelly and demanding while we were in school we probably wouldn't hate them so much. How many of you actually liked being forced to go to school 180 days a year? Exactly, not even the ones who are smart and got good jobs. Of course we think they're stupid and inept they were at school all day for years and years. They only reason we were there was because we were forced to by the government. What kind of an idiot would choose to go to school past 12th grade?

We don't hear so much hub bub over the police and we hate them too. What with them writing us tickets and cheating on their wives. The difference is they have guns. I'm thinking teachers need to get guns. Not only will they get to keep their collective bargaining, but they might actually get the kids to shut-up and learn something.
Sadly, the "Kings Speech" won four Oscars and not the stupid ones, like sound design that no one cares about. It won best lead male actor, best picture, best screenplay, and best director who looks like Jams Cameron. The movie was good and all but we need to ban these back stabby Britts from our award show. I once was in London during the Oscars and I think the "English Patient" won a bunch of awards. All their British papers were so braggy about how awesome Brittish film making is. How superior they are. Sorry that you put all your countries resources into making one film while we make 1 billion films a year. And then the ones who were born over there but live here in the USA they all smile and act polite but that's just to get us to pick up their bar tab and pay for dinner. I read Bonfire of the Vanities. I know how much they truly loathe us and here we are giving them Oscars and the good Oscars at that.

Well, let me tell you something you cheap elitist bastards. Harvey Weinstein, an American (A Jewish one at that), distributed your movie. That's right if it weren't for the Yank you'd have to be all Ani Difranco. Going from town to town living out of your car and screening the movie one half filled coffee house at a time. And can you guys make a movie that takes place in the present?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

My Boss Doesn't Pay Me Anything, But She's Awesome.

Now, I know most of my readers are not comedians, so let me fill you in on something. There have been a number of comedians over the past couple of years who would send out mass emails to other comedians, and, I guess, their fans (and by fans I mean people who's email addresses they found and put in their contacts list for mass mailing occasions.) bragging about how they have an article or essay on the Huffington Post. My response whoopidy doo!

These mailings and facebook updates confused me. Was I supposed to be impressed that these people were able to give their writings away for free? I do that everyweek and at one point every week day. The big difference is that I'm not working for Arrianna Huffinton (who I'm sure would make me spell her name correctly). I'm working for me. And yes, I don't pay myself. But I know me, and I'm a pretty cool person. Yes, I do have a temper, but I'm always there for me and I know that if I sell my blog for $100 million (it could happen...maybe...shut-up) I know that I'll pay myself a good percentage of the proceeds for all the hard work I've done on my blog. That's just the type of girl I am. In fact I'd make sure to pay at least something to everyone who has ever contributed to this blog. And if you are a person who has edited things on occassion (clearly not often. This thing is pretty typo laden and grammatically unsound) or...well...that's it I guess I'll totally pay you. Of course if you're a person who isn't good at returning emails and phone calls you won't get to cash in. (these last two sentences were kind of an inside joke between me and my boss. She's had some unattentive friends in the past, oh just never mind I'm sure to get a bonus for writing it.)

In the end just because more people may read your work doesn't mean you're getting paid any better than those in complete obscurity. And, you sure are not getting treated any better by management.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Roaring 20s,

Has it occurred to any of you young wipper snappers that you and grandma have something in common? Happy Hour.
Happy hour is the perfect bar promotion for people who have eaten dinner at 3:30pm and now want to go out on the town. Bar owners set pricses for happy hour just right for those on a fixed income. It allows you to get your drunk on and be home in time for a rerun of Monk or Matlock. And, for those who think "Ahh there's nothing good on TV anyway," you can be on your way home before dark.

What I am saying is that happy hour is the drinker's early bird special.

Monday, February 14, 2011

More Stupid Questions from HR

"What do You Want Me to Say?" a play in one act or one blog post.

A conference room on the 21st floor of a Manhattan office building. Present day

Cast of Characters:
ME, 33 year old former theatre student and sometimes comedian with a wealth of administrative and executive assistant experience
HR CHICK, 20 something blonde (fake or real) she is perky and full of judgement.

HR CHICK: So are you comfortable with Word, Excel and Powerpoint?

ME: Yes. I feel like every job I have had-- with all those other financial companies listed on my resume in front of you-- I learn even more more and more especially about excel. I'll admit that my visual skills aren't the greatest but I can do powerpoint.

HR CHICK: And you really want to be an administrative assistant?

(lighting change to special above ME dark on the rest of the scene)

ME (aside to audience): What? Is she serious? Who grows up dreaming of administrative work? It says I have BFA in theater on that resume. Clearly, I chose theater because I wanted to either wait tables, bartend, or be a secretary. Actually, what I really wanted to do with my life is work in a coal mine. But there isn't much coal work in NYC these days. I figured the next closest thing was answering phones and scheduling meetings in a cube. Does she think this is 1920 and as a woman I just want a job that isn't in embroidery. I'll prove my independence and self worth. 'If I'm going to take care of a man for the rest of my life I'm going to get paid for it, gosh darn it. Go Rosie the Rivetter even if you're after my time.'

(lights go back to full)

ME (To HR): Yes, definitely want to be an administrative assistant. I love organizing, putting things in order, making schedules. This is where my strengths lie.

HR CHICK: Oh great. Yes, and just to let you know there will be a background check, a drug test and a credit check.

ME: Oh great. I'm glad you guys are so thorough. Good to know I won't be working alongside any car thieves or pot heads. I think it's very important that one's employer keeps tabs on their employees' private lives away from work. We can't have middle class people, which if I get this job I think I might actually be, galavanting around the city running their own lives after hours. That's just ridiculous. Look at me. I clearly wanted to be an administrative assistant since I'm a little girl, but left to my own, stupid devices I went and studied performing arts at an accredited (granted just barely) four year college in Boston. Instead of going to Berkley School of Business, a two year school in my home state of NJ. If only I worked for you guys when I was 17 think about how much...well not better... that's not the word...what's the word? More efficient, yeah more efficient my life would have been.

HR CHICK: Hmm. I don't know...hmm...I don't know that's why we do it. Umm. What?

ME: Well, then I take it back. Whatever the right answer is that's what I want to say. I like paying my rent and health insurance sounds pretty great.

HR CHICK: No. Wait, don't you have passion for working at this particular company?

ME: Of course I read all about you online. You guys manage wealthy people's money and facilitate mergers and acquisitions. It's amazing work. I believe that Goldman Sachs said it was god's work, and though I respect Goldman Sachs I much prefer to work with a company that is a little less well known like yours. I do love indie Rock and you guys are like an indie rock financial firm.

HR CHICK: No. That's not right. We are well known and respected in the industry.

ME: Yes of course a critics favorite. Like Vampire Weekend, they are well known and very well respected, but not as well known as say Metallica or Taylor Swift but Vampire Weekend gets way better press than those two bands.

HR CHICK: Yeah, OK well thank you for coming.

ME: Well, thank you for having me come in. Thank you for barely asking me anything about my experience or my actual skills. That's so predictable at an interview. You guys are mavericks, in the most conservative sense.


Tuesday, February 08, 2011

House Republicans are Communists. They Have a Bolshevic Agenda

It has been falsely reported that the Republican Party is the party of the rich. Oh contraire. In fact the Republicans are Marxists and are doing all they can to bring about a people's revolution right in here in the US of A.

Since the Republicans gained the majority in the House of Representatives they have been running rampant with their communist agenda. First, they tried emptying the treasury with crazy tax cuts to very rich people. This is to ensure there will be no money for social programs. "Wait," you say, "social programs are communistic." Oh, no they are not social programs were enacted by FDR to fight communism, too many poor and starving people get antsy. Next, the Republicans are trying to ensure that no insurance company will cover abortion on any of the health insurance plans they offer. This is really going to set the ball in motion for a revolution. So basically, the only women who can afford abortions are the rich ones or the ones who have been impregnated by wealthy men.

So there you'll have all these poor people (who aren't going to abstain from sex, you might as well ask a woman to abstain from eating chocolate) getting pregnant and having the babies. Either they'll give the babies up for adoption, where the children will be reared by nuns of the orphanage, or they'll be raised by their own destitute parents. Since eventually food stamps and public schooling will be a thing of the past they'll have nothing to feed these kids and nowhere to send them. Crime will soar. People will be disenfranchised and miserable. Sounds like the turn of the century Russia to me. Next thing you know a few, highly-educated, formerly rich people who idiotically thought they could become professors or artists or something interesting that doesn't involve hedge funds will lead the uneducated starving masses in a communist revolt.

Our new Bolsheviks will drop the iron curtain because they couldn't make a living behind a nylon one bam Communism sweeps the nation. Those Republicans are sneaky. If you want to avoid communism you must pay for all abortions all the time. Right now the federal government doesn't pay for abortions directly. Only communists and Muslim extremists are anti-abortion.

Basically Republicans either want a communist revolution or they really want to adopt a white baby.

**remember if your insurance provider doesn’t cover abortions and you can’t afford to pay for one just continue to sleep with men your family doesn’t approve of. They’ll find the money.

Call Your Congress Person

For those of you who don't know I live in a Caribbean American neighborhood. By observation I'd say that 90 percent of the people living in my neighborhood are from the Caribbean. I have to write that I have found my neighbors to be quite polite and friendly. But for some reason or another many of the take restaurants don't seem to want to serve white folks. I hear'em. I also hate white people. Well, not all white people. Just the white people I know. I also hate the black people I know, which probably why I get along with my neighbors don't really know them. One can't be disappointed by someone who you hold no expectations.

This is not the point. The point is that I suggest that the owners and workers of these food establishments form a coalition and petition the government. The Flatbush Food Workers and Owners Coalition. And what do they want? Simple, they want government to provide job opportunities for white people. It’s clear too many white people can’t afford to live with their own kind and so they’re moving to Flatbush. Not only that, they have the temerity to want to buy jerk chicken or fast food Chinese food blocks from their apartment. What about the members of FFWOC? They don’t want to serve these folks. They don’t want to have to take their money. It’s not fair. FFWOC would also the government to set aside funds for the express purpose of art grants, mostly for music. Help fund musicians who enjoy playing rock and roll, electronica, world music, and whatever else those white people play.

The FFWOC needs these white people empowered and economically able to afford to live somewhere else--someplace where they can patronize white people food places, like Thai restaurants.