Friday, March 28, 2008

Do Abstract Painters Have this Problem?

My best friend Anna had a little bit of a freak out yesterday. She called me up while I was at work trying to do the best darn job I could cutting and pasting data into excel spreadsheats. I, like the puritan piligrims who founded this great country of ours, believe that work comes before all else, so I ignored her phone call. But she kept calling me. So I told her I'd call her back but she kept calling me and calling me. That's when I realized that the puritans didn't have to deal with the emotionally tilted and intellectually obsessive. What I'm saying is I took her call and stopped cutting and pasting the soul fullfilling job of managing data.

And now I would like to share with you our conversation.

Anna: Can you talk?

Rachael: No, not really, I'm at work.

Anna: Great. Oh god, I really fucked up this time.

Rachael: Can you not use the F-word I'm trying to ween myself off of it. I have to perform stand-up comedy with 7 year-olds in the audience. If they knew they we're going to have kids present why didn't they just hire a clown for their fancy benefit dinner? I wonder if we'll have to eat Peanut Butter and Jelly to accommodate the babes.

Anna: Rachael, what the hell are you talking about? Can we focus on my problem.

Rachael: (sarcastic) Oh, I'm sorry. God forbid you're there for me.

Anna: I can't be there for you if I don't right my brain and my latest fuck-up. -- I'm sorry. I mean screw-up. See? I'm helping.

Rachael: Alright what?

Anna: I posted a few songs on my audioblog/podcast thing.

Rachael: You have an audio blog? That's awesome. I can't believe you didn't tell me. I'll link you?

Anna: I don't have it anymore! That's what I'm trying to tell you. I took it down. It's gone. Erased. Deleted from the world wide web. Caput.

Rachael: How long did you have this audio blog?

Anna: 15 hours.

Rachael: That's not even a whole day.

Anna: But the damage is done. I wrote and recorded a bunch of new, I liked them so much I started an audio blog to share them with the anonymous internet. But, the internet isn't so anonymous, people you know can listen to your shit.--sorry, your stuff--

Rachael: Yeah, I know.

Anna: Well, god damn it!...So, some of those songs were inspired by a dude I know. Not even the dude himself, but just the situation of knowing him.

Rachael. What?

Anna: Listen. I wrote and recored new songs that could be viewed as about a specific person who has yet to do anything wrong. The songs, as all my songs are, are bit snarky and harsh. One Song by itself isn't so hurtful but if you listen to them one right after the other, well... I'm an asshole--sorry douche bag, wait no...a, a jerk. And not all the songs were about this situation though the theme and topic were similar. Oh god!

Rachael: Wait a minute. Did this guy whom the songs aren't actually, definitely about even hear the songs? I mean, the audioblog was only up for 15 hours.

Anna: I don't know. He could have. And now he'll have the whole wrong idea.

Rachael: Could have? I'm your best friend and I didn't even hear these songs.

Anna: Some friend.

Rachael: You didn't tell me about'em, you fuck!--I mean you pain in the neck.

Anna: Well, I have a sense that it was possible that he might have heard the songs. Like the time you had a sense about roullette and won all that money.

Rachael: That's different. I had a sense, I bet money, and then I was proven correct. You haven't been proven anything.

Anna: But I haven't not been proven incorrect.

Rachael: That's a triple negative.

Anna: Does time stop?

Rachael: No, that's in 2012. Were these songs about a date?

Anna: No. not a date..exactly.. per se.

Rachael: Per se? You know what it doesn't even matter. You're a friggin' folk songstress. This is what you do? You write songs about shit that happens to you. Even if it's not like a New Reporting accurate retelling. Life happens to you, you put into rhyming couplets. Sometimes to get the couplets to rhyme you have to change a fact or an emotion or two. And then you had three chords and call it a song. It's like I shape my life into set-ups and punchlines, crazy conversations, and lettering answerings. It's what we do. We are artists. Not respected artists but artists nonetheless. And though, we are inspired by the people in our lives we are way too self-centered for our stuff to really be about anyone else but ourselves. I commend you for having concern for someone's else's feelings. Someone's feelings who may or may not have been hurt, because he may or may not have heard the songs. And even if he did, is he Warren Beaty to your Carly Simon? Does he really think the songs are about him?

Anna: Well, I'm not putting the audioblog back up.

Rachael: That's fine. You having an audioblog seems like a lot of work for me.

Anna: Why because you'd have to take 5 seconds to link me?

Rachael: Something like that. Alright back to data managing for me.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Morning After Blog Substitute #4 (I think)

If you'd like to know what the hell the Morning After Blog Substitute is click on the label at the bottom of this post. I'm temping today and they are actually making me do work,--the nerve--so I don't have time to take passive agressive shots at Dan Dude and Matilda (who rumor has it has gone nuts and fled the city.)

Today's letter seeking advice:

Howdy Dan Dude and Matilda:

I need your'll's help desperately. I can't talk to the folks around here. They are all so full of judgement. You can't ask anyone for sex advice. They think that if a person isn't haven't amazing sex everytime he/she has it then there is something wrong with you. I know that can't be true. Or is it true and there is something terribly wrong with me? Gosh. Sex and The City is just a television program. And I'll tell you what, I don't like them cosmos I prefer a low calorie beer or a shot of tequilla. Nothing wrong with cosmos I just don't care for'em and I don't that all the single New York women care for'em.

Anyhoo, you see I have gotten myself in a pickle a couple of times bringing men back to my place. One time I met a man at a bar in town and escorted me back to my place. Then he put the moves on me out infront of my domicile. That was fine, but then I got to thinking what if there's a serial killer on the loose or a coyote roaming around. I didn't want to stop making out, but I didn't want to die by a coyote or serial killer attack. I invited the man upstairs. He thought that meant sex and then I had to tell him while we were half naked that I didn't want to have sex.

Another time I was watching a movie with a gentleman acquantance of mine in my place. Well, then next thing you know we're making out. Now, this was around 3:30am or so. And after a few minutes I suggested we go to my room because we were on the coach in the living room, and well my roommate tends to get up in around 4am to use the bathroom. His bedroom is off the living room. I didn't want an awkward situation with the roommie and his prostate making him pee in the middle of the night. When we got to my bedroom things progressed rather quickly and he thought I wanted to have sex.

Can't a girl make-out in her bedroom anymore?


Where's the foreplay.

Dear Foreplay:

Thanks for your letter. You're problem is a common one and your friends have shitty sex too, don't worry about that.

I know it seems like a mood killer to bring up your motivation for why you want to move it to a new locale, but you should. A simple, "Let's go upstairs so we don't get mauled by a coyote or stabbed by psychopath while me make-out (or fool around, whatever your regional lingo is)." Or, try, "Hey my roommate is probably going to journey to the bathroom soon, let's move this party out of sight."
You see, people want to think you're thinking what they're thinking because they really want what they want. There is no way around it. You're going to have to tell your partner explicity what you are thinking but with a smile on your face and a fun sense of play in your voice.

Now, I'd like to get on my high horse and say, the reason you probably aren't saying all that needs to be said is because you're too tired to. 3:30am. That's late. I'm a big believer in no sex after midnight. Just like some people trying to lose weight stop eating after 7pm. When I say I'm a big believer I mean it's something I just came up with a couple of days ago after reading a bunch of these seeking advice letters. People's vagina's are tired late at night. And in your case so is your will to communicate clearly. Have a few kisses then turn over and rest up so you can have energetic fully communicative sex in the morning or the next evening when you're ready to get it on well before the break-of dawn.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Post Coital Conversation

A friend of mine told me a story of her one night stand this past weekend. I present to you my interpretation of the converstation.

Setting-- A man and woman lie in bed as the sun shines through the window.

Man: I'd like to take you out sometime.
Woman: Yeah, umm...If we dated and my ex-boyfriend found out...
Man: Is he dangerous?
Woman: No. Not all he just wouldn't be very jealous. You know?
Man: Oh my god! Are you ashamed of me?
Woman: No. No no. Not all. I'm just not proud of you.

and scene.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Comedy of Love

My latest approach on dating is similar to the approach I have with comedy. Lately, I have contacted every boy I have ever known to be single and let it be known that I'm out there and available. Now, I"m just waiting to see who books me.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Analogy Perhaps

I doubt very much if the tightrope walker is scared of walking a tightrope. He probably loves it. You and I would be scared to do it because we don't know what we are doing and lack faith in ourselves that we would ever really know what we were doing even with instruction and practice.

I imagine what really makes the tightrope walker feel vulnerable isn't the possibility of plunging to his death or even merely falling off the rope but catching himself in front of a tent full of people. No, it's probably trotting out in a unitard in front of people he knows. Sure his physique is exposed to us as well, but we are all too mesmerized with is death defying feat to care about what he's wearing. We are putting ourselves in his place and loving every minute of it. However if his friends, family, or peers are watching he knows they don't care about the tight rope walking they are looking at him in his unitard and thinking, "he put on a few pounds. " Some of them are probably making speculations about his male prowess. And there speculations might be completely inaccurate. What these people see from several stories below might not be what they think they see. But he can only imagine what they're thinking.

The tightrope walker walks the tightrope for himself and for us, not for people who care about unitard.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

More Philosphical Opposition on Friendship after Dating

Here's the thing dating involves going to the movies and having sex. Meanwhile friendship involves the sharing of you life with another person. You should be in constant communication with your friends. You all travel together, go to bars together etc. So if you and your dating partner can't even manage to get along while going to the movies and having sex why should you then promote your relationship to friendship? And what if that doesn't work out you'll then ask to be parent and child.

We're Do They Come Off

Sometimes men in their 50s or very late forties request a date with a lady in her early 30s. Sometimes women in their early 30s take great offense to this they make statements like, "Who does he think he is that he can date a 30 year old?" Well, I'll tell you who he thinks he is. He thinks he's the same guy who dated a 22 year old when he was 35. The only difference is now he's 50 and your 33. (I know the math doesn't quite work but...I'm making a point.) What none of us realize is that women don't like older men; women like men in their 30s.

Monday, March 17, 2008

This Year's Wannabe

Today I want to share with you the extreme amateur partying I witnessed this weekend. As you all know today is St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick's Day only comes one day a year. It does not come three days a year or five or 20 or two. However, that didn't stop people from celebrating St. Patrick's day this past weekend when it wasn't actually St. Patrick's Day. My question is how much of an amateur drinker do you have to be that you can't celebrate what has become a drinking a holiday on the actual day blocked out for such revelry?" It's bad enough you people only come out of the woodwork four times a year where you really get your party on. Not used to alcohol every other day of the year you leap into the night on your three beers and one shot screaming craziness, spilling your bile all over bar room floors, spicketting your urine onto sidewalks and building, and basically giving drinking a bad name. But now some of you are so sad as to not be able to celebrate St. Patrick's Day on it's actual day. You are so scared to party you have to do it the weekend before. Making sure you're completely sober and recovered for the start of your work week. Some of you sad sacks started drinking at 5pm on Sunday so that you could be sober by 9pm and done with your hangover by 11pm. You'll tell everyone at your office how you whooped it up this weekend and today you're going to just go home after work and watch Leprechauns on ice.

All I can do for you people is shake my head and shed a tear. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. You are completely owned by your job.

We can discuss if the term "professional drinker" is a euphemism for alcoholic another time.

Friday, March 14, 2008

New Show Added. Old Show Corrected

Hey if anyone was coming out to Manny's in Manoochie tonight to hear joke for 20 minutes the show starts at 9pm. (I had a different time on the calander).

Tuesday March 18th I'm performing in a fundraiser for Hudson County's only women's shelter. If you want to see me get there early I'm going on first. I have tickets to see the Mountain Goats for later in the evening. If you just want to support a good cause get there when you will.

Info for show:
Stop Raping People!
Benefit at BabyHole Open Mic
For sketch, stand up and musical comedy

This is a comedy show, but seriously, stop raping people. In celebration of the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day, we are holding a fund raiser for local and global women's causes. Come and donate money to Women Rising, which services women in need in Hudson County, and The Global Fund for Women, which sponsors hundreds of women's rights campaigns worldwide.

Featuring Rachel Parenta, Emily Epstein, Saint Patrick (it IS the day after his day) and more.
DJ'ed by DJ Snack Attack
Hosted by Melissa Surach

$10 suggested donation
BYO OK! Melissa's bringing home made infused vodka for everyone!
Melissa's selling her calendar for a discounted price of $8, all sales will be donated to the fund.

Tuesday, March 18th
Doors and open mic sign up @ 8
Show starts @ 9

Toy Eaters Studio
2nd floor, 143 Christopher Columbus Drive
Jersey City, NJ
One block away from Grove Street PATH

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Stories on TV

Last night the local news reported...the contents of Spitzer's hooker's myspace page. Is this your investigative reporting. The reporter get saying the phrases, "according to her myspace page," and "she wrote on her myspace page." You know who has a myspace page? My boyfriend Jack. (I'd link it here for you but he lost the password awhile ago and hasn't been able to log on or update his profile. There is no picture or anything.) And, this is local new's top source on the Spitzer scandal.

Meanwhile, I saw a preview for the next Inside Edition. Inside Edition asks, "What's it really like to run a prostitution ring?" Then they cut to a reporter casually asking a pimp how much he used to charge for one of his girls. I guess this story is for people who are looking to go into business for themselves. Some of them were thinking, "I'd like to open up a prostition enterprise, but I just don't know what it's really like. You know because right now I'm on the fence do I go with the sex industry or do I open a coffee shop--perhaps a Starbucks franchise?" This way people will know whether or not you always have to beat-up your employees. Maybe you only have to do it once and then you can just verbally threaten from that point foward. Also what kind of benefits does a prostition ring have to provide for it's ladies? Is it all fun and games or is it hard work? Can you sleep with the women you employ or does that violate your office's sexual harassment policy?

Thank you news media for really helping the rest of us sort this whole sex scandal out.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Is The City Really Any Safer?

A while back I headed home to Brooklyn from Manhattan on the unreliable NYC subway. It was late at night. I don't remember how late. There were a substantial number of people on the train so I'm guessing more like 1am than 4am. A bunch of people get off at the 7th Avenue stop in Brooklyn, myself included. We all begin our foot journey home.

As I walk home I try to keep pace with the pack of people who have just left the subway station. I'm small with shorter legs than most so I trail the pack slightly but I am in it's sphere. I notice the dude (of average height) in front of me looks back to see if anyone's following him home. Bravo, sir for being street smart. We walk several more paces and he looks back again. This time he speaks. "Can you walk in front of me. You're making me very uncomfortable. Please (obnoxiously), go ahead." I look behind me. There is no one there. He makes his demand again. I think to myself, "Me? You want me at 5ft 1inches weighing in around 105lbs to walk in front of you because I'm making you nervous? Are you serious? I can't walk in front of you because your pace is such that my significantly smaller legs can't keep up with you all in front of me. If you're scared of me, maybe it's time you moved back to Witchita or whatever crime free place your from." I didn't say that out loud, instead I said, "What?"
He replied briskly, "Please. move ahead."

How is this full grown man scared of me it defies logic. You'd think if there was a wave of muggings committed by midgets and petite females I would have heard about it in the news. It wasn't like I was dressed in Ninja garb or that I was in my paranoid glory carying a large stick with me around the city. Maybe his younger sister spent their childhood beating him up. Maybe his mother was 4ft 11 inches and chased him around the house with a rolling pin. I don't know.

I walked in front of him. And then I thought, I bet this is a ploy so that he can mug me. At this point I invited such a turn of events. His obnoxious tone of voice had thoroughly pissed me off. If he had tried anything I was going to kick his ass. And so here's a tip for men out there looking for gender equality. In general men don't get attacked by a lone female they don't know. But if you fear that it's your night to be struck by criminal lightning here are some ideas of how to prevent an attack. Look behind yourself. If you see someone you suspect is up to no good take any number of actions. I walk faster. I cross the street. I hop into a cab. I go into a bar. I stop in a bodega. You know what I don't do? Talk to my possible assailant.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

In Honor of the Gov

It occurred to me the other day that until recently women paid for sex for centuries. Ever since the agrarian age and the dawn of monotheism women were only allowed to have sex with their husbands. If they had sex out of wedlock (prior to marriage, or during with someone else not their husband) they were stoned to death. Until about the mid 1800s if a woman wanted to get married she had come up with a dowry. Basically the groom's family (or his pimp) had to be compensated monetarily or in livestock (which many times were competition for the bride of her husband’s sexual attention) by the bride or her family. If the woman had no dowry than she had to promise to do all the house work, farm work, a children rearing in order to nab a husband who would give her a sex life.

My point is if men hate marriage so much why did they create a system where women were forced to marry them?

Monday, March 10, 2008

You Know

Hey there are meds in our drinking water. Does that mean we can use our prescription drug plan to pay for our water bill?
Just because you say you're a friend doesn't mean you are a friend. I can wear stilts and say I'm 6 feet tall, it doesn't make it so. Being a friend is alot more involved than wearing stilts.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Money Advice

As interest rates plument and the government prints more money, the value of your earned and unearned income depreciates. How to solve this problem? Simple. Make sure you spend every penny you have as soon as you have to insure you get the maximum buying power of your money. Every minute your not spending your cash your money decreases in value.

May I advise perhaps buying collectables that increase in value. I'm sure you're landlord would happily take Green Latern first addition first issue comic book rather than your ever deminishing personal check for $700.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

I've Solved the Problem

How are we going to combat global warming? Some have suggested ethanol, but growing all that corn turns out to release more carbon into the air than burning fossil fuels. I was as lost as the rest of you about finding a solution. Then, Tuesday night as I stood in a concert hall watching one of my favorite musicians perform the answer came to me.

All we have to do is eliminate people over 5 feet 8 inches. The taller the person the less efficient their bodies are. Meaning it takes more carbon to feed them, to move them, to hydrate them. Taller people need more water (which we are running low on--see Museum of Natural History Water Exhibit for proof) and they need more calories. More calories requires more farm land and more grazing land which requires us to clear cut forests. Trees keep carbon from creating a massive natural greenhouse that will melt us all. Basically people five feet 8 inches and taller are a walking Saskwatch carbon foot print, and so they must go. It's for the common good.

Further, they stand right in front at music shows blocking the view for the rest of us. Think of it. I world where the polar ice caps stay intact and there is equanimity at rock and roll shows. Rock and Roll shows that are solar powered of coarse.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Drinking: It's Who You Are

I was talking to a friend the other day about drinking. She was defending some dude's douche-baggy actions. She explained that he acted all douche baggy because he was drunk at the time. I said that's no excuse. Drinking doesn't cause one to act mean-spirited. "Look at you, " I said, "When you get drunk you're not an asshole. You have sex with people. Who could complain about that."

That's my point. Alcohol doesn't change who you are it only lessens your inhibitions. Inhibitions enable a person to refrain from acting on all their impulses. Whether that be random sex acts or calling a woman "the 'C' word." Alcohol doesn't cause those impulses alcohol weakens your resistance to act on them. I know most times I drink alcohol I find that I'm happy. Who knew I've been fighting happiness all these years.