Do Abstract Painters Have this Problem?

My best friend Anna had a little bit of a freak out yesterday. She called me up while I was at work trying to do the best darn job I could cutting and pasting data into excel spreadsheats. I, like the puritan piligrims who founded this great country of ours, believe that work comes before all else, so I ignored her phone call. But she kept calling me. So I told her I'd call her back but she kept calling me and calling me. That's when I realized that the puritans didn't have to deal with the emotionally tilted and intellectually obsessive. What I'm saying is I took her call and stopped cutting and pasting the soul fullfilling job of managing data.

And now I would like to share with you our conversation.

Anna: Can you talk?

Rachael: No, not really, I'm at work.

Anna: Great. Oh god, I really fucked up this time.

Rachael: Can you not use the F-word I'm trying to ween myself off of it. I have to perform stand-up comedy with 7 year-olds in the audience. If they knew they we're going to have kids present why didn't they just hire a clown for their fancy benefit dinner? I wonder if we'll have to eat Peanut Butter and Jelly to accommodate the babes.

Anna: Rachael, what the hell are you talking about? Can we focus on my problem.

Rachael: (sarcastic) Oh, I'm sorry. God forbid you're there for me.

Anna: I can't be there for you if I don't right my brain and my latest fuck-up. -- I'm sorry. I mean screw-up. See? I'm helping.

Rachael: Alright what?

Anna: I posted a few songs on my audioblog/podcast thing.

Rachael: You have an audio blog? That's awesome. I can't believe you didn't tell me. I'll link you?

Anna: I don't have it anymore! That's what I'm trying to tell you. I took it down. It's gone. Erased. Deleted from the world wide web. Caput.

Rachael: How long did you have this audio blog?

Anna: 15 hours.

Rachael: That's not even a whole day.

Anna: But the damage is done. I wrote and recorded a bunch of new, I liked them so much I started an audio blog to share them with the anonymous internet. But, the internet isn't so anonymous, people you know can listen to your shit.--sorry, your stuff--

Rachael: Yeah, I know.

Anna: Well, god damn it!...So, some of those songs were inspired by a dude I know. Not even the dude himself, but just the situation of knowing him.

Rachael. What?

Anna: Listen. I wrote and recored new songs that could be viewed as about a specific person who has yet to do anything wrong. The songs, as all my songs are, are bit snarky and harsh. One Song by itself isn't so hurtful but if you listen to them one right after the other, well... I'm an asshole--sorry douche bag, wait no...a, a jerk. And not all the songs were about this situation though the theme and topic were similar. Oh god!

Rachael: Wait a minute. Did this guy whom the songs aren't actually, definitely about even hear the songs? I mean, the audioblog was only up for 15 hours.

Anna: I don't know. He could have. And now he'll have the whole wrong idea.

Rachael: Could have? I'm your best friend and I didn't even hear these songs.

Anna: Some friend.

Rachael: You didn't tell me about'em, you fuck!--I mean you pain in the neck.

Anna: Well, I have a sense that it was possible that he might have heard the songs. Like the time you had a sense about roullette and won all that money.

Rachael: That's different. I had a sense, I bet money, and then I was proven correct. You haven't been proven anything.

Anna: But I haven't not been proven incorrect.

Rachael: That's a triple negative.

Anna: Does time stop?

Rachael: No, that's in 2012. Were these songs about a date?

Anna: No. not a date..exactly.. per se.

Rachael: Per se? You know what it doesn't even matter. You're a friggin' folk songstress. This is what you do? You write songs about shit that happens to you. Even if it's not like a New Reporting accurate retelling. Life happens to you, you put into rhyming couplets. Sometimes to get the couplets to rhyme you have to change a fact or an emotion or two. And then you had three chords and call it a song. It's like I shape my life into set-ups and punchlines, crazy conversations, and lettering answerings. It's what we do. We are artists. Not respected artists but artists nonetheless. And though, we are inspired by the people in our lives we are way too self-centered for our stuff to really be about anyone else but ourselves. I commend you for having concern for someone's else's feelings. Someone's feelings who may or may not have been hurt, because he may or may not have heard the songs. And even if he did, is he Warren Beaty to your Carly Simon? Does he really think the songs are about him?

Anna: Well, I'm not putting the audioblog back up.

Rachael: That's fine. You having an audioblog seems like a lot of work for me.

Anna: Why because you'd have to take 5 seconds to link me?

Rachael: Something like that. Alright back to data managing for me.


Little bobo said…
This was funnier the second time I read it. But then it was *really* funny.