Friday, December 26, 2008

It Ain't Just Dessert

People love armchair psychology. I think they love it more than armchair quarterbacking or back seat driving. One of the favorite diagnoses of the armchair psychoanalysis "You cannot accept love." I'm sure in some cases this might be true but I imagine in most cases this is way off base. To illustrate my point I once again turn to food, specifically the cheesecake.

"You can't accept love."
"Why because I don't to date some seemingly nice dude right now who claims to love me?"

Did it ever occur to the arm chair psychologist that some people might not be ready for dessert quite yet. Perhaps they are full from dinner (the love and affection of friends in family that takes up a good deal of their time and attention) there just isn't room for a romantic relationship right now. There just isn't room for heavy cheesecake.

Perhaps this cheesecake comes with strawberries on it, and not fresh strawberries but those strawberries from a can filled with sugary red goo. Some people love the goo while others of us would prefer chocolate chips, Oreo cookies or just plain old cheese cake. Why do I have to eat a cheesecake that I'm not really that into? Is it worth sitting at the table with my dish of cheesecake scraping off the strawberry topping? Couldn't I just wait until the cheesecake I want is available?

Of course it also could be too soon for cheesecake. You're giving me cheesecake but I haven't eaten dinner yet. Why are we jumping to cheesecake when we've only been dating a month or so. Slow down. Let's have dinner. Let's have an appetizer, a salad, an intermezzo, and a main course before we go rushing to the cheesecake. I get it we're adults now and we can have dessert anytime we want, but some of us like carrying on the tradition of earning dessert. I'll eat the cheesecake when I'm ready to eat the cheesecake.

Maybe the cheesecake is bullshit. Maybe it's made from soy. It's a soy cheesecake, that's gross. I don't want some fake cheesecake. Sure it looks like a cheesecake and sort of feels like a cheesecake but it doesn't taste like a cheesecake, and all that natural estrogen presents its own health risks. So from across the room you think I'm being offered genuine cheesecake but I know from where I sit that it's just an imposter. Listen, I'm not eating the soy cheesecake and you can't make me do it.

Monday, December 22, 2008

We're all kids at Christmas Time

My best friend Anna never ceases to amuse and astound. Apparently she has gone on a few dates with a young man, and of course he pissed her off. She phoned the young man to chat and shoot the shit, you know pass time while she was trapped in a cube. During the conversation Anna felt he didn't show enough enthusiasm to hang out with her at some point this week. That's when she devised what she thought was the most brilliant plan ever--at the very least a good time for spending the rest of her evening.

The scheme was set Anna would wait for her latest victim...err...latest romantic prospect to call and then ignore the call. Then she would spend the rest of the night and perhaps the next day not calling him back. She was sure he would call as he was good about calling. I know. I know, most women spend their whole lives looking for a guy who is good about calling, but when Anna feels she has been wronged there is no seeing the silver lining. So the boy called and as planned Anna hit the ignore button on her phone. The young man left a message in her voice mail. And then everything went to shit.

His message: "Hey honey, sorry I missed your call, but I'm calling you back. OK."

Anna went mad. She didn't call him today. He didn't miss her call. How can he miss a call she never made. Now he's walking around thinking he isn't being ignored. He's walking around not questioning what the hell is going on with this relationship. He's walking around thinking she tried to get in touch with him. Oh how cruel the dating world can be. It's not like she can call or text him to tell him that she never called. By doing that she would no longer be ignoring him.

We are not sure how this happened. There are two theories we've come up with. One, Anna had called him a few days ago and he missed the call but they wound up hanging out anyway and so he never noticed he missed the call until today. Or two, he's a clever clever man, who saw right through the cold shoulder plan and pretended he was calling her back in hopes of driving an already tetering pyche over the edge. We may never know the truth behind this anti-Christmas miracle.

I guess all Anna can do is go on ignoring him until they're married or no longer dating.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


After four years of living in my apartment here in Brooklyn I'm moving out and moving on. Exactly where I'm moving onto has yet to be determined which is a shame because my stuff will be gone on December 20th and I'll hand in my keys December 31st. My boyfriend Jack has repeatedly asked me to move in with him. He figures we've been dating for almost 10 years perhaps it's time we co-habitate. I can't do that though. I need to be married first before I live with a guy with whom I'm romantically involved. So of course my loving, and fearless of commitment boyfriend suggested we get married. Which would be fine, except I've already promised my friend James that I'd marry him. That wedding is set to take place sometime in 2016. Which my boyfriend Jack knows about and has supported. My boyfriend believes in helping friends in their time of need and James is need of knowing he won't die alone. Though James and I have discussed moving up the wedding date no actual actions have been made to make that a reality.

Basically, I need to find an apartment because I can't move in with my boyfriend Jack until I'm married to James. Once married I will no longer be a harlot living in sin. Some suggest I'll be a harlot for carrying on with someone who is not my husband, but James and are not vowing monogamy, hell we're not even vowing to sleep with one another.

In closing let me know if you know someone who needs a roommate where sex and romance are off the table because I clearly have a full plate in that regard. (I love mixing kitchen metaphors)

Monday, December 01, 2008

The Breath of Love

My best friend Anna and I were hanging out the other day and like always I was given an earful of wisdom I can't find anywhere else. Here is how she sees it.

You know, Rachael, I figured it out finally. You know how you and I for years have believed that friendships are more significant than romantic relationships? I never understood how anyone could see it differently. But finally I get it. A person can be a friend with someone with bad breath, but you can't date someone with bad breath. I mean, there they are lying next you in bed their mouth agape. Rhythmically air gets blown into your face (warm, humid, sticky air) as you're trying to sleep. That's bad enough but now think if that air is filled with the stench of digested onions. Let's face it dating is smelly endeavor and either you luck into finding yourself an unscented individual or you've got to just be friends.

Do you see? Your friends are sleeping and breathing on you. They're not asking you to kiss their odiferous microbe filled mouth. And if you do have to have close corridors conversation, say at loud bar, you can give them gum. But gum doesn't cover morning breath and gum can't be chewed while sleeping, and gum can't be chewed while making out.

I think that's it. I think the true power of love is almost a super power. Love has the ability to turn halitosis and regular body odor in flowers and moonbeams, or even better no scent at all.