Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Scattological and Little Gross

"Where did the chicken go?" I asked Saturday afternoon.
'What chicken?" questioned back my boyfriend Jack.
'"The chicken I ate Thursday night."
"Well, you ate it."
"Yes, but it's not in the toilet?"

Things went down in my body 3:30am Thursday morning leading me not eat anything for the rest of the day as a precautionary measure. I finally ate after sundown Thursday night. But then there was no evidence that I had eaten.

On Sunday there still was no evidence and I convinced myself I must be constipated. 8 bowls of fiber 1 later I realized, maybe I overestimated my shit. I mean the whole reason we eat is to ingest calories and nutrients our bodies need to function. So, it figures that most of the chicken should be processed and not found in my bowels.

Why wasn't this ever covered in health class or biology? They spend all this time on sex education. What is there to teach in that area? Don't have a sex orif you do use a condom. If things down there change color, itch, or burn see a doctor take meds. If you stop getting your period see a doctor. Class over. You think they could have spent a day teaching us the percentage of the food we eat that turns into waste both solid and liquid. People suffer from digestive mishaps for more often then they suffer from STD's and pregancy. In fact pregancy can cause digestive mishaps. I know that from health class, what do about the digestive problems if one is pregnant. I have no idea. They never tell you that in public school.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The Rich being Displaced by the Very Rich

I had never heard of Magnolia bakery before Mach 16, 2009. Turns out Magnolia is to blame for the demise of New York City's West Village.

I found myself in the West Village two weeks ago with a couple of friends. One thing led to another and we found ourselves with baked goods from Magnolia bakery with nowhere to eat them. As we began our search we were stopped by 60-somethinglady. She was small and her dog was smaller. "Oh Magnolia bakery. You are from New York."
"Yeah, I am. I'm just not from the West Village."
Then she went on to tell us of the how Magnolia bakery as devastated the west village. "None of the privately owned bakeries can afford the rents here anymore. But all the tourists line up outside that place. It's like dipping your tongue in sugar."
"Yeah, I don't know about that.We were wandering around and smelt baked goods so we went in and then we bought personal sized cheesecakes for ourselves. There wasn't any line." I explained.
"Ugh! It's like a mall now. And these kids move into the million dollar apartments, they buy two three of them at a time and break-through the walls for one big apartment.Uh! The racket. I remember when this was a real neighborhood. Back 20, 40 years ago when it was only slightly non-affordable. But now the mere rich are getting priced out."

"I know." I said, "It's horrible. Soon you'll be priced out and you'll have to move to Brooklyn and then we might be neighbors. I'll have to listen to you for ten minutes in the cold air while you rail against my spontaneous shopping decisions. But the good thing about that, is you won't be a random stranger anymore."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

More on What I saw on TV

Early this morning at about 3:30am I felt like my large intestines were having a miscarriage or fighting a holy war. And so I shirked most of my responsibilities and loafed around the apartment. I discovered a wonderful ad by Hyundai.

The ad goes something like this, "It has been said that the best time to find a job is when you already have a job. But since many of you Americans don't have a job right now try buying a Hyundia and see if that helps you get a job. And if it doesn't don't worry you can always live in your Hyundia, cause lord knows you won't be living in your houses much longer. So take a test drive of your new home today."

Yeah I've been Watching TV

Yesterday Oprah had on her doctor dude, Dr. Oz. My boyfriend thought he Dr. Oz must have had plastic surgery as his eyebrows had a look of constant surprise. I said, "I think that's just how his face is naturally. You can see he forward crinkle up when he talks which indicates a lack of 'work' done."

That's all besides the point. Dr. Oz was on Oprah yesterday to give us all tips on how to live longer. Not like months longer but decades. "Here's how you can live to 120 years of age." Really? What would I do with those extra 20 years? Continue to not work on my book I've been talking about for a year and half now. For 20 more years I'll be too broke to go to Peru. Perhaps by the time I'm 120 I'll finally learn my lesson and not drink until I'm hung over once every three months.

I realized I had nothing to worry about because I would never find the discipline to partake in any of the suggested activities. And I know that I'm actually too lazy to even find the time to lie in some oxygen chamber thing that pushes oxygen through your skin to your cells. And even if I were disciplined enough to lie in the oxygen chamber everyday, where would I get one? I'd have to win the lottery. If I won the lottery I'd probably just go to Peru and then maybe New Zealand (depending on how much I won in the lottery and the value of the dollar at the time.)

But I ask you, why does Oprah want to live until she's 120? She is already one of the richest people in the world. What has she done since amassing this great wealth? She continues do to the Oprah Winfrey Show. Why doesn't Oprah take a long vacation with Gail to Peru? Or become a recording artist. Do my great grand kids really need original episodes of Oprah's talk show? And what about her audience? Do they need the extra decades to catch-up on Oprah's suggested reading list. Let me tell you, people, you'll never catch up as long as she's living as long as you are.

I guess when you're a billionare amassing more money is kind of a bore. You have to set your sights on something more difficult to attain like years extra years of life.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

New York New York

They say if you can make it here (NYC) you can make it anywhere. I say if you can make it here you're probably a sociopath.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Governmental Discrimination

NYC does not suspend alternate side street parking rules for Saint Patrick's Day. It seems a little racist to me. Or anti-Irish Catholic in the least. If ever there was a holiday that you didn't want to force people into their cars it would be Saint Patrick's Day.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Everclear Evermore

A friend bought a couple of bottles of Everclear. I don't know if you've ever heard of it. It's grain alcohol that's 180 proof--that's 90% alcohol. It tastes like your salivia evaporating. Add it to any punch and it tastes like an evening of bad choices. Being drunk on it is feels like your brain dying.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I'm Big Time Now

I walked into my local bank branch with my bank statement in hand. I went up to bank teller and asked to see the manager because I have a problem with my statement. The manager came out to talk to me. I told her I'm not paying ATM fees anymore. Take it off my statement and reimberse me my money. "No," she said. I'm part owner of this bank now. And we're going to have some changes around here. No more ATM charges when I use an ATM machine not affiliated with this bank. No more minimum balances. And hey if I overdraft, just take the difference out of the tax money I've already given you. I'm running things now.

Then I called up citibank who administers my credit card. I told them I'll pay credit card bill when I went and you won't be charging me. In fact. I think I'm paid up for the rest of my life. There is no way I'll charge 100 billion dollars on this thing. Let's call it even. Otherwise I'm taking my tax money back.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Exercise Fights Depression

They say they act of frowning takes the use of more muscles than the act of smiling. Then they like to say, "Smile it takes less effort."

As an American I'm offended by "them." Just because I'm American doesn't mean I'm lazy and need to take the easy way out. I'm a worker I frown. Further, hasn't it been documented that exercise combats depression. Seems the only way to get happy is to use more exertion and work-out more muscles. So in the long run frowning is a better defense against depression than smiling.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Not Even One Dress Never Mind 27

I've never been a bridesmaid and never bride.

I'm horribly unpopular.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

We Need Nader in the Subway

I've never been one to champion the airlines but I think the MTA (NYC transit system) could learn something from those buffoons.

Monday night the MTA cancelled the Q train with no warning. I thought I should get voucher to put toward a future MTA ride similar just like you do for flight when they cancel your flight. And I think we the MTA should give you $10 meal vouchers when trains are delayed that can be redeemed at any subway bodega, so we can snack on trail mix, vitamin water and porn, while we wait for a delayed train in the rat infested stations.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Since Role Models are Rich All Kids Should End Up Rich

Everyone is freaking out about the baseball players doing steroids. Supposedly these men are role models for the children. By doing steroids they are setting a bad example for the children. Well, how about you stop testing for drugs in professional sports. Then no one will know about their drug use. The children will especially not know and therefore will be protected from having their role models set bad examples. If no one knows of the wrong doing then essentially the wrong doing hasn't occurred. Stop looking for disappointment. Think positively.

Besides it's probably a frame up anyway. I mean if sports figures of today were once children who looked up to sports figures of the past and the sports figures of the past didn't partake in steroids then how could sports figures today be engage in illicit drug activity? Where did they get the idea to do steroids? It seems impossible. That's all Roger Clemens has to say, “Sandy Cofax didn't juice and he was my role model so you know that I couldn't be doing that. That's how role modeling works.”

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Casual Friday

So I was watching Ganglands on the History channel. It's a show that document different gangs across the USA. It seems that most gangs are into drug trafficking. Because of the big money they gross these gangs wind up structuring themselves like legit corporations. So I asked myself why don't these guys just work in regular corporate America. Incorporate America you can steal all the money you want without fear of being shot by a rival company or the CEO.

It didn't take me long to decipher the obvious answer. Gangs don't make their workforce where suits, show up at 8am, or sit in a cubicle. The drug trade allows people to express themselves in dress (granted they might have to wear certain colors, but would you join a gang if you didn't like it's colors?). Although, drug trafficking might have you work long hours the employee gets to pick his/her hours, so they can be home when the kids get out of school or make those parent teacher conferences. Or simply not all of us are morning larks some of us are night owls. A company gets the most out of it's workers when it works with individual employees' strengths, rather than forcing them to conform to an arbitrary system that goes against their DNA make up. It's not just the flex schedule that makes gang corps successful. Drug dealing allows a dealer to be out in the open air, out in the sun.

I wondered if investment banks perhaps loosened up on their corporate culture, gave the employees recess or at least desks outside that , allowed baggy pants, and people to make their own hours, that perhaps they'd be more profitable and not begging for money. I don't see any Columbian cartel's begging for money.

I mean it worked for Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin in "9-5" why not Wall street or Detriot.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Don't Believe the Movies

Did you know that smothering a person to death with a pillow isn't so easy? Movies show death by pillow all the time. In fact there was an episode of "The Wire" where I a woman killed herself accidentally in her sleep with a pillow. But I have found it's not that easy. In fact I think it might be impossible to kill a person with a pillow.

On several occasions while supine in bed with my boyfriend have attempted to put us both out of our misery by smothering him with a pillow. But it doesn't work. There is still all this air for him to breathe. The smothering goes so poorly my boyfriend thinks it's all a joke and fun and games. There is not one ounce of fright in him. This reaction just creates more hostility in me because he's supposed to be suffering and dying not enjoying himself and living.

It has gotten so bad that sometimes he'll look over at me in bed and say, "Hey, Rachael, let's play smother me with a pillow again." I just rollover and sigh a great sigh of despondency. "Come on. It's fun." He'll nudge. And I can do is respond, "No. You don't play that game correctly. Why don't we play you give me a back rub instead?"