Monday, December 21, 2009

Holiday Boxes

We're just a few days away from Christmas. It's that time of year where we rip open the wrapping paper and yank open boxes to see what box our friends and family put us in. For the 30something, single urbanite we have a gifts certificate to J-Date. "Wait a minute. For Christmas you got me a gift certificate to a Jewish dating site? That doesn't seem right, somewhere."

"Hey, you're over 30, single, and living in NYC I don't care what church you think you belong to, J-date for you."

Hey football fan, I have the perfect gift for you a beer cozy. "Ahh, thanks man. Unfortunately, I don't drink beer."
"Don't drink beer, huh? You can't like football...I must have miss heard you. Perhaps you'd like tihs tennis racket instead."

And for the skinny-jean wearing, bearded 20-something hell, I can get you anything. If you don't like it, well, that's just what I intended isn't the gift so ironic?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Diseducation

You want to know why the public school system is failing our youth? Well, you've clicked to the right place. After conducting a three day study where I taught a handful of 2nd-5th graders a 40 minute, non-academic class I have found the answer. We're never going to find good teachers. Why? Because no one who has any other skill would chose to surround themselves with children. The idea of hiring "good" or "better" teachers is like saying, let's find better fast food employees. Just as fast food is a last resort for teenagers and the mentally handi-cap so is teaching for the adult worker.

It is unnatural to have a room full of children. No one has given birth to 35 children. Not even back in the day when we needed farm labor. At most you had 13 kids who not be the same age. Whoever came up with the idea of school was looking for a break from their own offspring. Now, the kids I studied, are delightful, on an individual level. Most children are great by themselves or in couples. Why? Because we, as adults are bigger than them. They no we could crush with our pinkies. Unfortunately, children much like the Bonobo monkey females use their numbers to overpower the much larger yet solitary adult put in charge of them.

How to fix the situation.

Home school for everyone. This of course also has the added benefit of reducing the population. If people had to actually spend time with their own children they probably wouldn't have any.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Revenge!

Some douchebag or douchebags stole my bike a week and half ago. The police of course are too busy with "real crime" like writing parking tickets and busting people who jump the turnstyle to find the culprits. What is a girl with no investigative skills to do?

I will drive a car. I will drive a car near and far. I will idle the car when not driving it. I will send as much carbon into the air as possible in hopes that the globe will warm, the sea levels will rise and my bike theif will drown in his/her apartment. I will drive my car so that New York City becomes as polluted as possible so that the thief will develop asthym or some sort of Cancer. And as we know if a car gets stolen the cops look for that.

Meanwhile here is some advice to legislative bodies around the country. Legalize drugs. Take the manpower you were using to hunt drug dealers and drug users, take the money from the taxes on the now legal drugs and find my god damn bike.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Molding Young Minds

I just got a new part time job as an after school drama teacher to 7 and 8 year old kids. The non-profit that provides the "arts" program requires us teachers to incorporate academics in our lessons. It can't just be fun and games. Below are few of my lessons.

"Hey kids, let's try some math. If you spend $100,000 on theatre degree how long will it take you to pay back your student loans when you earn $20,000 a year for the rest of your life?"

"Now let's try a character study. Let's examine the protype character the starving artist. Say someone like myself. You'd have to play her down trodden. Do you think this is what she envisioned for her future when she was your age taking some arts program for kids? She's not even a real teacher."

"To sum up. Don't have dream, go into banking."

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Are There Sports Fans in Heaven?

A fan of the NY Football Giants died earlier this week. His death has made me really think about death and the afterlife. Now that he's gone I wondered if his spirit will help the Giants defeat the Eagles this coming Sunday. That'd be a nice gesture. But then I realized that people die everyday all over the world even in Philadelphia. I'm sure there are Eagles fans that have died this week. Won't these people's spirit be trying to help the Eagles win this Sunday? Then you have to wonder if the deceased in Dallas are now plotting to collapse Giants Stadium Sunday night. If the teams can't play they can't overtake the Cowboys as the leaders of NFC East. But if Giants and Eagle players die wouldn't they plot to destroy the new Cowboys $1 billion stadium.

So inconclusion, I'm guessing the dead don't care about sports after they have died. Heaven is supposed to be peaceful and there is nothing peaceful about being a sports fan.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

The Valor

I opened up my web browser to read "Family-ties Mom, 'I'm a lesbian." I take that too mean Meredith Baxter is gay. Wowy. This is almost as interesting as when Lilian Tomlin came out of the closet a year or two ago. Sorry ladies but you missed the boat. No one cares if actors are gay anymore. Sure certain people care if you get married but none of care if you're gay. If you wanted this public outing of your romantic and sexual life to mean something you should have done it 20 years ago when you were a national celebrity who had something to lose and the attitudes towards gays was different. You coming out now is like me hopping a plane this afternoon to Germany, standing in the middle of Berlin and saying, "I'm a Jew! I'm a Jew!" I'm sure some Germans still think Jews are money-grubbing, disease-cariers but they've come to terms with the fact that we live among them.

All I'm saying is that you don't see Tom Cruise publicly declaring his homesexuality. Maybe because he still works regularly and doesn't need the publicity.

I'm just saying you're not brave. It's not news, get over yourself.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Devolve

I'm kind of done with being potty trained. I'm over it. I want to go back to peeing when I have to pee whether or not there is a bathroom near. Just pull down my pants and pee. Yes, I still want to pull down my pants because wet pants are uncomfortable and can chafe. I'm not ready to give up all my developed foward thinking.

I'm also done with holding in my emotions. While I'm waiting for the subway for I don't want to stand there silently--socially appropriately. I want to yell at the subway system to send my god damn train already. I'm done being a rational athiest. I want to yell at the gods to send the train because the MTA sure as hell isn't.

All I'm saying is civilized is way over rated. The other animals know what's going on.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Signs of Aging

I'm getting grey these days, which would be fine if only the hair on my chin would turn grey as well. This way no one could see the little suckers.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Two Things People Didn't Know

Today is Veterans Day most Americans know that. But what people don't know is that tomorrow is a lesser known holiday known as a Punch a Banker in The Face Day.

Most people believe that Muslim women cover their faces due to modesty. Not true. It's because men smell. The veil is their last line of defense between the wafting body odor and bad breath of men and their delicate, sensitive noses.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Our Coddled Youth

Rumor has it that all the kids today get trophies just for trying and all the kids are on psych meds. You'll here people my age and older say things like, "Ahh! When I was a kid you had to earn your trophies. And yeah we got picked on, but you nutted up, even if you were a girl, dealt with it. " This is said as if our suffering has made us well adjusted. Listen, I never went to therapy or ever got a trophy I didn't actually win. (Well there was that one karate trophy I won because the other girls got disqualified for hitting me in the head--but hey, man, there are rules.) And you know what I'm a 32 year old woman who sleeps with a night light and 6 foot stick next to her bed. I have a horrible fear of the dark or what adults call insomnia. I've traveled 1900 miles to "run into" fella.

I know another person who never had any Riddlein on a child. He never got undeserved praise or trophies. That person was Hitler. Sure he was a highly motivated man who got a lot done, but think about how things could have been different if someone just once said to little Adolf, "That's a great picture you painted. I think you're special for trying."

When we got our panties in a bunch about how ridiculous today's children are raised just remember that at one point in history there were old folks bemoaning the youth they saw before them, "Acch! These kids have it so easy. They all go to school every day. When I was a kid you worked in a factory and lost a limb or two limbs. You couldn't read but god damn it your could earn."

And trust me these kids today don't have it so easy. With all the hormones that are in the food they ingest these kids are getting their periods at 5 and 6 years old, and that's just the boys. Think about how hard it is to learn how to use a maxi-pad while learning to potty train. I know in our day we were potty trained by 2 years old, but the kids today all have autism.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Greed is Good

What have we learned this week? That the rich will almost always win, even when the world hates them.

The Yankees won their 27th championship, thanks to the seemingly infinite resources of the Yankees organization; and, Michael Bloomberg won his 3rd term for mayor, even though voters didn't want any one mayor for more than two terms.

So to succeed one must work hard, get lucky and most importantly be obscenely wealthy.

Here's to me winning the lottery if only I had enough money to buy enough tickets to tip the odds in my favor.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Such a Work Ethic

Yesterday the radio show "All Things Considered" did a piece about people getting jobs via Twitter. One woman interviewed, who found a job by networking on Twitter, said, "Twitter is a real merritocracy. People can see you're twittering all day and really working hard on your tweets. When they see that they know you're working hard."

Really? I thought they could see that you were goofing off all day on twitter. In fact I suggest that being on facebook or myspace or twitter all day is the exact opposite of working hard all day. Sure spending ours on those sites you feel like you've done something, but in the end you're not showered, dinner isn't on the table, you haven't updated your resume. Hell, you haven't even finished reading the romance novel on your night stand.

Adulthood

I look at my life at 32 and I don't know how I got here. When I was a child was this what I imagined? Well, no. I didn't have a clear vision of my future. As a child I had a horrible fear I would end up a dentist. Not that there is anything wrong with being a dentist, but I wanted to be a comedian, I didn't want to be a dentist. In my youth I loved looking at my teeth in the mirror. I spent minutes about minutes (perhaps not hours and a time) examining them. I thought somehow this fascination with my own teeth would lead down a slippery slope to dental school and then a dental practice. My nights were spent under the covers trying to figure out how to avoid this horrible fate I felt I was destined for.

It turns out an obsession with one's own teeth isn't an indication of dental interest but self-interest. In the end it looks like I was indeed destined to be a performer. Too bad, I could have used the money and stabilty of a dental practice.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Halloween

Halloween is almost upon us. What to wear? I think I'll go as a werewolf. All I have to do is let my beard grow in.

Monday, October 19, 2009

New Career: Campaign Manager

If I was running Chris Dagget (NJ candidate for governor) this is the campaign slogan I would choose for him, "Chris Dagget 33% less corruption than other candidates." Let's face it, folks NJ is a pretty corrupt place and your never going to get any candidate who has raised enough money to get ads on TV in the New York City metro market to be 100% clean, but the voter will save tax money on a guy who is less corrupt than the other people running. How can Chris Dagget not be less corrupt than a former Goldman Sachs employee, John Corzine, all they do is cheat taxpayers and pension funds out of money and Chris Christie, a former US attorney, who only prosecuted cases that were politically expediante.

"Chris Dagget, he's no George Washington, but at least he isn't an investment banker."

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Economic Indicators

The economy has gotten so bad it has a taken a toll on my dreaming life.
Last night I dreamt on a 2 for 1 sale on deordant. Only to find out that there were none left. A few night before that I dreamt I was at an open mic in a tea shop and I was trying to hide from the owner who was pressuring people to buy tea. I woke up before my set. Luckily, I also woke up before I had to buy a tea. I don't need to owe a dream tea shop owner money, those women will haunt you.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

We Don't Need Homeland Security

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a cautious person. I have to be because I pay attention to what others ignore. I know that death is around every corner and that three deadbolts on my front door is not nearly enough to keep the killers at bay. That's why I am embarking on the "Dolphin Project."

For those that don't know dolphins avoid drowning during sleep by only sleeping half their brain at a time. One hemisphere is a sleep while the other keeps the water mammal breathing oxygen from the air. I too would like to avoid death while I sleep. This is why I keep a big stick next to my bed. But what good is a big stick that isn't used in a moment of crisis due to a sleeping victim? My new goal is to be the first human to sleep half a brain hemisphere at time.

Criminals beware!

Monday, October 12, 2009

There is a Future for Some

There are people out there, including Ross something or other from the NY Times, asking Obama not to accept the Nobel Peace Prize. I say these people are selfish and idiotic. They reason that Obama should accept the award because he did nothing to earn it. So what? As if these columnists and pundits earned their jobs. Most of them I'm sure knew a guy who knew a guy.

Meanwhile, one day Obama won't be President anymore. He's going to go out there and have to find a job. And if things don't change with the job market by the time he leaves office he's going to find that jobs are hard to nab. He's got to start padding his resume now. If he rebukes the Nobel Prize than he can't put it on his resume. The Nobel Prize could be the item that puts him over the top for a job in the future, especially, if he and Bill Clinton are competing for the same position. While rejecting the award shows Obama as "Not a team player." How many people find employment by declaring at the interview, "Yeah, I'm a loner. I like it if people leave me alone. If you have a task for me please send request via email or if you must inter-office mail, but make sure the inter office envelope is delivered after 5pm when I'm sure not to be there. Yes, that's right I leave at 5pm on the dot every workday. I don't get paid to stay later."

All I'm saying is that as medicine advances keeping people former presidents alive longer, and as democracy spreads creating more former Prime Ministers and Presidents the competition for jobs for these politicians is fierce and Nobel prize could make all the difference for Obama in 3-7 years.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Stop Crime! Raise Revenue! I Should Run For Office!

If you haven't gotten a traffic violations ticket through the mail you probably don't drive. Or, you are actually a good driver. Or ,you're really smart and have developed a device (that I'm sure Batman has on his car) that covers you're license plate as you drive through intersections. Or, you live somewhere where they haven't installed the cameras-like Kansas or Tennessee. (You, know someplace where the government has decided to first send the swine flu virus vaccination just in case it doesn't work or worse kills people. These places don't have traffic cameras that could record the carnage the vaccine has racked on the population as the suddenly unconscious drivers crash.)

The traffic cameras are great. They are supposed to prevent traffic violations and give tickets to people they can't fight (even if they were not driving the car) which raises revenue for the state or city without politicians having to raise taxes. You'll also notice that cops country wide of placed surveillance cameras about towns to capture criminal acts on film. Granted not much revenue is garnered from these other cameras but we're catching criminals making the streets safer. The problem with these cameras is we, the general non-crime committing public, don't have access to the footage of ourselves captured, so we can't upload it to our Facebook profile. Maybe one day that will be rectified.

But here's my proposal. Since most crimes happen in corporate offices and big bank offices, why not set up cameras in these offices. I know most cities and states are broke so we'll just take the cameras from the streets and put them in bank offices and coal companies offices, and Monsanto offices, etc. and every time they violate a law we'll send them a ticket that requires them to pay a fine every time they insider trade or send oil prices sky high with speculation, or dump waste into our water. We don't like putting these people in jail anyway, so we'll fine them. The money raised will go to paying off China. Or whatever. We're a democracy we should vote on what we want to do with our new wealth. Maybe big screen televisions for everyone. We'll have to talk about it.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

The Coin Toss

We as a nation are four weeks into football season. Football is tied with foliage as my favorite part of fall. However, I think this last month I might have gotten a little too into football. These last couple of weeks I have running play by play commentating going on in my head as I live my life.

For intance I'll be cooking dinner and I'll hear Bob Papa and Carl Banks (the radio broadcasters for Giants games) in my head doing the play by play of my cooking.

BOB: Hi and welcome to another evening of Rachael cooking dinner. With me as always is Carl Banks.

CARL: Thanks, Bob.

BOB: Now it is a little warm today, almost like an indian summer in the kitchen. It's not the best conditions for turning the oven on.

CARL: No, it's not, Bob. Not only is it warm out but Rachael lives on the sixth floor of a brick building there is no escaping the heat when you play on the top floor or Brooklyn apartment building.

BOB: Well, we'll see how she handles the heat. And we're about to begin. She's starting off slowly here, picking the basil off her house plants in the window.

CARL: Now, that's a smart move, summer is coming to an end. She'll have less and less daylight for her basil plants, she might as well use the basil before it dies for the winter.

BOB: Wow, she's picking a bunch of basil, that looks like two cups full.

CARL: Bob, I wouldn't be surprised if she made a pesto sauce, especially in these warm conditions, you don't have to put the oven on or the stove. It's a wise move, though she doesn't have a lot of experience making the pesto.

BOB: She's gone to the cupbard taking out the pine nuts. Yes! You're right it looks like she will be making pesto. I agree with you Carl, it is a good play call considering the conditions, but is it risky? She doesn't have a lot of experience making pesto, it's getting late, if she screws it up then what? Does she punt and go by jerk chicken down the street. I don't think she wants to settle for the jerk chicken when she has already purchased ingredients here.

CARL: You're right, but let me tell you having been someone who has cooked dinner in the New York area pesto is not a complicated dish. It's pretty simple and Rachael here isn't a rookie. Yes, she doesn't have experience with pesto but this is her 5th season cooking in Brooklyn. And before that she spent 3 years cooking in Portland. I think she knows her way around the kitchen. If this were gazpacho she was trying for the first time I'd be more concerned.

BOB: Alright now she's into the fridge. She grabs the parmsean, closes the door with her foot as she reaches with her left hand to grab cheese grater.

CARL: Yeah, she's having fun out there. She knows her kitchen pretty well at this point, having moved in 6 months ago. And this kitchen allows you to have fun. Her old place was kind of falling apart.

BOB: She's grating the cheese. Oh no. She stopped. It doesn't look like she's putting in the full amount the recipe calls for. She's putting the parmsean back in the fridge.

CARL: I don't know that this is a good idea on her part, Bob. She's going to have to compensate by adding more salt at the end.

BOB: She gets out her mini-food processor. "Do you need a food processor try Cuisi-nart for all your kitchen needs" She puts in the basil. Grind. She puts in the pine nuts, grind, now the oil, grind grind grind. Now the cheese. Gee, Carl, that does not look like enough cheese at all.

CARL: Yeah, Bob, it's fine to deviate off the recipe once you're really experienced making a dish but when it's only your first or second time you have to follow your recipe. I think she might not make it in the endzone here and have to settle for a field goal attempt of Jerk Chicken. And you know, Bob the jerk chicken is no guarantee. Does she have the money? When she gets there will they serve her? Sometimes they don't serve everyone in a timely fashion. Will she get hit by a car before she even gets to the store. These are things that are at stake.

BOB: You know you're right, Carl. I didn't even think of that. The jerk chicken isnt'a sure thing.

skip ahead to after water boils.

BOB: She drains the pasta which is a capellini.

CARL: Capellini is a good call, again it's warm in here, capellini is a very thin pasta so it won't take that long to cook keeping the time the stove is on to a minimum.

BOB: She stirs up the pesto with the fork now pours it over the pasta, she tastes it. She gets up gets some salt. Adds the salt. Success! Touchdown! Rachael Parenta.

CARL: That's the thing that 7 years of apartment cooking gets you. You can audible on a recipe you really haven't made before. She can get up to the blender see her situation and say, "eh I don't really love cheese" and adjust the recipe on the fly. A rookie cook probably would have screwed that up. There was a moment of panic there but she pulled it out. But that's what winners do they find a way to win dinner.

BOB: Well, that does for me and Carl join us next week when Rachael takes on making chili with completely grass fed meet. Until then I'm Bob Papa saying good night for me and Carl Banks.

Monday, September 28, 2009

CyberSleuths: An Attempt at Short Film Making

What do you do when half your footage has no sound? Narrate!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Maybe not a Bargain but a Fair Price

It's always suprising where I learn things. Today I saw a Chris Christie political ad on TV today. For those of you who don't know Chris Christie is one of several candidates for NJ Governor this year. He is also a man with a parents who aren't so imaginative. Chris Christie really? Is his whole name Christopher Christian Christie? Is John or Robert that hard or something more fun like Mordechi or Anferny.

Anyway, I digress.

In Christie's TV ad he blasts incumbent John Corzine for raising property taxes. Basically the narrator of the ad says something to the effect, "New Jerserians pay more in property taxes than anyone in the country. We have so much corruption." and then something like Corzine sucks. I say New Jersians are getting a lot for their property tax tons of corruption. Maybe those living in Illinois are getting a slight better deal for their corruption but you have to factor in that the cost of living is higher in NJ your corruption is going to cost more. I guess if people in NJ want reduced taxes they should stop splurging on corruption. As much fun as corruption is in these economic daunting times we have to cut somewhere.

Meanwhile I think Christie should have said in his ad "John Corzine worked for Goldman Sachs therefore he's evil incarnate. And, I Chris Christie am a fat tub of goo who is a liar and might be corrupt myself you probably should vote for one of the 6 other candidates on the ballot. I'm Chris Christie and I wish my mom named me something different and I support this ad."

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Time Keeps on Slipping

There I was working my blue color type day job, where I disconnect computer and then reconnect them after movers have moved the computers to a new location, with a host of other ne'er do wells. You know musicians, grad students, comedians, and key makers. I overheard the conversation of two comedians talking to each other.

Comic 1: Yeah man, I just can't get into watching sports. It's such a waste of time.

Comic 2: Yeah, I know. Like. I don't have three hours of my day to give up to watching a game.

Really guys you can't afford the time? How would you be spending that three hours? I know you'll be curing cancer. Or perhaps ending world hunger. Negotiating peace between the red states and the blue states. What the hell do you do with your life that you can't waste time watching sports. Would it get in the way of your video game playing? I'm not saying that people should watch sports. If you don't like sports that's cool. I'm just saying that having to write jokes that you hope other people will waste their time listening to is a bad excuse.

We're all part of the great distraction.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Hip Hip Horray: Mission Accomplished!

The Fed Chair Ben Barnecke said, "Recession is very likely over." OK, everyone, back to work. Back to your jobs. Let's go. Stop dilly dallying. Why are you all just meandering about in circles? Oh don't worry if your old job isn't there. There are new jobs being created. Yes, they pay less per hour and offer less hours of work but who cares the recession is over!

Congressional Mooch

I think congressman Wilson blurted out "You lie" the other night because he wanted a free beer from Obama and maybe a free tour.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

If Only Women Were Good At Research...

Last night the local news (I can't remember which channel, the one with the blonde guy and the brunnette woman as co-anchors) reported the findings of a study done by a magazine. When working women were asked questions regarding their jobs more than 60% said they would love to quit. That it was just a pay check and would prefer to spend more time at home with their families. The news anchors reported this story with an "Aha! Told you so" in their voices. Like, "See we told you women didn't belong in the work place." Damn! You all are right. But we didn't know. Just think if we had been allowed to work all jobs for equal pay from the begining of time not a single bra would have been burned. We would have happily stayed home barefoot and pregnant.

The unfortunate part of this story is that men were not asked the same questions regarding their work life. I think if they had been asked they would have given the same response. Why? Because working sucks. Unless you do something interesting like scientific research or rock star no one likes there job. You think 100 years ago men working in the coal mine loved there work? They used to celebrate as they went off to the mines saying, "Don't let the women folk work in the coal mine. They'll ruin all the fun down here. The coal mine is the best part of my day and I don't need some pushy woman stealing my fun."

But I guess men find working mindlessly in a cube all day way more fullfilling than women do.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Safe and Secure

You want to protect your personal identity (as opposed to your D&D identity) from being stolen. Here's a trick. After you shred your financial documents blow your nose on them. Personal Identity theives are less likely to try to piece together snot covered shredded documentes than ones that are prestine.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

The Frugal Surgeon

With the economy tanking, impending healthcare reform, and conservative judges on the Supreme Court poor women, promiscious women, and women who just love rebel against their communities are fearful abortions might become a thing of the past. For awhile there I thought a young lady with little means and an unwanted pregnancy could always turn to homeopathic methods of abortion, namely booze and tuna fish.

But if you don't like fish and live in NYC where a night of drinking is probably more expensive than actual abortion there is another method. On a recent trip to Great Adventure amusement park I learned a thing or two. 1) Unfortunately, I'm not too short ride the fastest, tallest roller coaster in the world and boy did my brain and sinuses pay the price. 2) Almost all rides at an amusement park aren't good for pregnant women. From the log floom to Kingda Ka (don't go on this ride unless you want to terminate a pregnancy.) advise pregnant women not to ride.

Getting an abortion at Great Adventure has a number of benefits. When has a doctor's office ever provided a pirate ship to ride? I have never heard of a medical procedure only costing $53.67 with tax. If you go to Great Adventure during the week you never have to wait more than 45 minutes to ride a ride. When was the last time you only waited 45 minutes to see a doctor. And $53.67 is the top price you pay. Most pay half that buy simply picking up a soda can. No need for health insurance for this day of fun pregnancy termination. As far as infections go, I think if you stay away from the water park your 27 times less likely to pick up an infection than if you had an abortion in a hospital, and 190 times less likely to catch an infection than a back alley.

Kaiser Permanente, Judge Alito, and Purtians be damned! The women of America or least the ones that live near an amusement park can still enjoy their right not to be a mom.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Shining the Light on Self Discovery. Ahhh! No. Turn The Light Off

So you know how people wind up dating their parents? (Not actually their parents but people who share traits in common with their parents.) It makes getting to know a significant other's parents kind of daunting. Who will you see when you stare at the looking glass in the form of a partner's parents?

I learned alot about myself by being in a relationship and learning about my boyfriend's parents. Turns out I am domineering, witholding, hate clutter, and surprisingly need a hip replacement.

Monday, August 31, 2009

You Don't Need The Sacks

People in the dating advice world like to tell women they shouldn't pursue men. Rather women should just passively wait for a man to pursue her. The main reason is that men find being pursued emasculating. Really? I doubt that. If men really cared about holding on their "junk" they'd make sure there weren't female hormones in their drinking water. They'd protest all night until the hormones in their meat and milk were removed. And men wouldn't drink soy milk.

Friday, August 28, 2009

You Have To Be Some Sort of Bastard

Sadly, Ted Kennedy passed away this week and just like Ronald Reagan before him we are only allowed to say nice things. Perhaps in 10-15 years we'll be allowed to criticizes some policies of these men. Of course, publicly, we'll always have to show respect for the offices and not be too harsh.

US President and US Senator should be held in high esteem? Why? Harry Truman one of my favorite US Presidents was a failure at every profession he tried until he stumbled upon politics and public office. Congress has it fair number of actors counted among its members. Actors! People best known for their ability to wait tables and temp. Most politicians are lawyers. They are lawyers who do to the over saturated market of lawyers can't get other jobs as actual lawyers. Of course these people misspend our tax money, they misspent their graduate school money.

Now dictator is not an esteemed position. In fact when a dictator dies we can curse him the moment he drops dead. We never had to hold our tongues for respect of the dead when Hitler and Mussolini, died. I'm not saying we should. These dudes were responsible for mass atrocities but is that the line. If your policies in public office only amount to thousands dead than we must honor you in death,but once your death toll reaches a million we no longer have to pretend we ever respected you. (Of course the million number is adjusted for inflation of population. I don't know if Ghangis Kan killed a million people but it was a lot relative the population of the world at the time. And he wasn't technically a dictator, but we don't have to respect war lord either, unless of course, their sons take over immediately following the death of their brutal father.)

I'm just saying if you were a schmuck in life we should be able to talk about it when you're dead. If you want to be there to defend yourself out live your critics. (How's that for a health care plan?)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Too Soon?

Senator Charles Schumer of NY said of the late Ted Kennedy, He wouldn't back down from a fight. Schumer is right. Especially if you were a female in he wanted sex from.

Time Machine TV

I have just begun watching "Mad Men" via my Netflix account. For those not familiar with the show here is a brief summary. It's about an advertising company and its employees set in 1960 (well the first season is, each subsequent season is the following year -- so I have read). The white protestant characters bandy about drinking alcohol all day (yes, even when it's day light) and smoke cigarettes even when they're pregnant. Women are openly treated like sex objects and stupid inept subhumans. Black people only exist in menial jobs. The modern day viewer watches and thinks, "Oh my god! I can't believe the world was like this."

I started to think what a TV show made in 2050 about people in 2009 would be like to the contemporaries of the future. Would the viewers be like "Oh my god! I can't believe people actually ate at McDonalds. How crazy they're always supersizing. I'm suprised they can make it from their car to the elevator in the office building without keeling over." "Oh yeah, my mom told me how all the kids were on pychiatric medicines then. How funny." "Can you believe meth wasn't legal. How did they get anything accomplished. Hand me my dentures would you."

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Reasons to Stay in a Relationship

1. Your lease isn't up yet.

2. You would have to start shaving your legs again.

3. You'd be completely alone if you broke up with your boyfriend because you have thrown away all your friends putting all your social eggs in one social basket. Not that those friends were any good anyhow, it's just they would have done in a pinch. A pinch like breaking up with your boyfriend and now needing someone to bowl with.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Everyday is Sunshine

I'm becoming fake and I'm loving it. I wish someone told me how great this was years ago. For those few of a you who are still messing around with sincerity let me tell you fake is so much easier. There is so little effort involved. “Hello, you look great.” There is no “Hello, (pause to notice the state of the person and then comment.) Are you feeling OK.” Al you have to do is say flattering nice things all the time and they don't even have to make sense and people love you for it. “Hello. Wow, you've gotten taller.” “Really? I'm 55.” “I guess it's that amazing posture stacked on top of that terrific smile.” When dealing with comedians I no longer listen to anyone's set I just say they're amazing and funny. It's like a huge weight has been lifted. No more thinking, no more stress from the aftermath of a truthful statement.
It has occurred to me why fat people have a stereo-type of being jolly. I think they're just formerly skinny, fake people. The problem is fake burns so few calories you have to cut down on your food intake or go to a completely fake food diet or taste-delight and non-fat lactose free milk. And it's no wonder thin women are known as skinny bitches. Of course they're bitches how else do they keep off the weight. Observing the truth, stating the truth and then dealing with the aftermath of that truth. You'd have to eat a 2lb steak every night to add some weight to that life style.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

So Don't Get Sick

Why is my post so late in the morning today. Well, I've been on the phone with my health insurance company trying to rectify a billing discrepancy. Let me tell you I am so glad that there isn't a bureaucratic standing between me and my doctor. It's much better to have a cube monkey working for a multi-million dollar corporation be the bridge between me and my doctor.

Insurance companies just want the best for us. That is why they keep us on the phone with their employees for so long. As I sit on the phone watching my cell phone minutes rack up and my phone battery deplete I think of all the things I could be doing with my time right now. And I get angry at myself for going to the doctor. It is then that I resolve to not get sick again.

If it weren't for the benevolent Insurance company wasting my time and threatening to charge me more than they should I would not dedicate myself to a healthier safer lifestyle.

God Bless Big Business.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Schools In Session

The latest rage is pole dancing classes. I guess, now, when a stripper tells you she's putting herself through school it's not bullshit.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The Nerds Have No Revenge

In high school my friends and I would plan to have senior cut day--just like Ferris Bueller. But we were so nerdy we could never make it materialize. "Oh no, I can't cut Tuesday I have a big calculous test."

"Well, I can't cut Wednesday. I have to hand in my English paper. I'd get it done early but I'm working on my History research paper."

"You guys really, think I'm going to skip Thursday and get a zero for my physics lab?"

and then I'd cry, "You know what guys just forget it!"

Monday, August 03, 2009

If We Made Bank Exec Play Wii We'd Know if They Should be Allowed to Run Investment Banks

Between healthcare, auto company bailouts, and bankers all I hear in the news lately is how we need competition. Competition makes everything better. Competition is awesome. Really? Let's talk about competition.

Today I sit at this computer sore. No I'm not sore from riding my bike 15 miles on Saturday. I'm sore from playing Wii (the video game system). I was challenged to Wii box. I lost all three of matches to three separate people. My loss wasn't from a lack of trying. I have never in all my karate training never punched at the air so hard or so fast as I did playing Wii boxing. All I wanted to do was knock my friends heads off. I failed miserably. I was dumbfounded as I to how I could lose to these three people. It was bullshit. Utter bullshit. I hit my competitive apex. I was on the verge of challenging these three to an actual in reality boxing contest. Then we'd see who the real champion is. I didn't thank god. I wouldn't have felt better punching Melinda in the face. Well, it would have of course, but then seeing her on the floor in a puddle of her own blood her nose all deformend. I would have felt really bad. Victorious but bad.

And that's my point. Yeah, maybe competition leads to a better automobile, but sometimes it just leads to bloody noses, and industrial espionage.

NJ Reaches Milestone for Women's Movement

A couple of days ago the State Prosecutor of NJ announced that 43 women were arrested on drug charges. All the arrested women were in members of a gang. That's right people. NJ doesn't limit it's gang and drug trades to men. NJ is truly and equal opportunity employer. If you are women you can be anything you want to be, whether that be an astronaut or drug Queenpin. And in NJ we're not going to not arrest you just because you're a woman.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Battle of the Dead Bands

What do you do when every morning your downstairs neighbor blasts Michael Jackson so loudly your floors shimmy? Easy, dust off your Nirvana albums and crank up your own stereo.

If turns out my neighbor is actually related to MJ I'll apologize for my passive agressive tactics, but otherwise. Enough. The King of Pop died nearly a month ago let's all move on. If this person living below me really cared about Michael Jackson and his legacy he wouldn't over play his songs making the once enjoyable Billy Jean unlistenable.

Or maybe I'm just too sensitive. Everytime MJ is played I think back to 1995 when Kurt Cobain died and all I can do to keep myself from crying is head bang to Smells Like Teen Spirit over and over again.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Curse of Julius Caesar

Funny, a couple of days ago I mentioned that NJ is known for it's political corruption and then, Bam! Two NJ mayors have been arrested on corruption charges yesterday. Why?

Well, it's what I have decided is the curse of Julius Caesar. Since the assassination of Julius Caesar the Italians haven't had a competent long lasting government. And let's face it that curse has traversed the Atlantic Ocean. A bunch of Italian immigrants settled in NJ and ever since the garden state has had dead people voting multiple times. Perhaps if some country trades a great baseball player to the Italians for relative pennies the curse can be broken and we no longer will have money laundering mayors or Goldman Sachs alum governors.

Or maybe if we trade pizza for moral integrity. That's never going to happen. Pizza is too good.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Votey Vote

Remember back in October when the banks of the world were about to collapse? We were told we needed to give the banks billions of dollars in order to save ourselves. "If Wall Street goes belly up, soon too will fall Main Street." Many of us said, "No, this sounds like a bad idea." And then congress gave Wall Street our money. So a bunch of Americans lost their jobs. Now, the banks are in good shape reporting a good deal of profits. That should mean we are all back to work. Hmmm. How come what's bad for Wall Street is bad for Main street but not what's good for Wall Street is good for Main Street?

I don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that the people of NJ can take a stand. NJ has the chance to vote for governor this coming November. It will be Corzine vs, Christie. I say vote for a third party. But none of you will do that, so my second choice is Christie. He has a history in NJ politics which means he's probably corrupt somehow, maybe even mobbed up--it is NJ after all. As a New York Times op-ed piece once wrote, "NJ is a petri dish of corruption." However, the man he is running against, incumbent John Corzine, worked for Goldman Sachs. The mob could only dream of pulling off the scams that Goldman Sachs has pulled off. 200 years of NJ politics has not stolen as much money as Goldman Sachs has in 10 months.

Let me put it to you this way, Good Fellas was a way better movie than the Boiler Room. If you're not going to vote third party vote for the least compotent criminal running.

God Bless America!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Aging Process

As a child I never understood why adults thought getting older was a sad affair. But now that I am technically an adult I finally see what all the fuss is about.

The birthday is just an annual reminder of how unpopular I am. I am not saying I should be popular. I'm not some complimentary, positivety-espousing gal. I'm just saying I'm not so evil that I need a yearly reminder. Even when I try to avoid the whole thing by not planning anything or inviting anyone anywhere there are still the post birthday questions from people I know (notice the distinction between people knowing you and people liking you) "What did you do for you birthday?" As if I am supposed to do something for it.

However, depressing the pressure to celebrate with a bunch of friends a person is expected to have that is not why growing older is a sad affair. It is of course about the gifts. At some point in time birthday gifts just dry up. Once upon a time relatives and family friends would buy gifts or better yet would send cards with money in them. Now, no one does that. It's over. The problem lies in the lack of warning. No one tells you that one day you won't be getting gifts anymore for your birthday. No one explains that birthday gifts from relatives are like Trix cereal, for kids. If society is going to teach this lesson in school the least people could do is warn you the year before in a birthday card.

"Happy 21st birthday. Here's $20 have a drink on me. Enjoy it because this last birthday gift you'll receive from me."

or

"Happy 25th birthday you're old enough to rent a car which means next year you're too old for a birthday check."

0r

"Wow you've made it to 30 years old. Well, I guess, you're lucky enough you don’t need my money anymore. "

The crazy irony in all this is that when I was a kid I didn't really need gifts. I had no bills, no rent to pay, and as far as toys go I could amuse myself with a yardstick for hours a day. But now forget it. There are bills, and rent, and a great need for toys to help distract me from the fact that birthdays are an unpopularity contest. If I had been warned I would have saved all the gifts from my youth and started unwrapping them now.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Pinching Pennies. But Still Having fun.

Summer weather has finally arrived here in the Northeast, so get out there and have some fun. "But, Rachael I'm part of the 10% unemployed in the country. I don't have the money for summer fun."

There are plenty of free things to do in the summer. Many communities sponsor free movies in parks. Or if you're looking for something free to do this summer that's a little more adventurous but just as community oriented as free movies in the park may a suggest protesting. As many of you know Goldman Sachs, Citicorp, and Morgan Stanley have stolen the all our money. You might remember last year their oil speculation caused oil prices to spike. Those prices spiked so high you couldn't afford to take a summer vacation last year and that's when you had a job. All the while they were selling your bad debt back to you in the form of AAA bonds for your retirement plan. Then they stole our tax money.

You could go to Six Flags this summer, but if you're going to stand in lines all day you might as well stand in front of the Corporate Headquarters to a MegaBank and block the entrance. It costs nothing to stand on a sidewalk while it costs $45 or so to go to Six Flags. If you want to get extravagant at your summer protest you could invest in poster board and magic markers. Maybe buy a dozen eggs. And since you're not eating them you can get the cheap non-organic small eggs.

"That's great for the unemployed, Rachael. But what about those of us who still have a job, but are broke nonetheless? We don't have the time off to go down to Citicorp and disallow those bastards from working. We're too busy staying late at our jobs and not getting overtime."

I hear you. Well, simple enough. Enjoy you're summer nights going to bars that have outdoor seating a begin to villify the profession of investment banker. For years we've kept our disdain for professions such as IRS auditor (but who is making enough to pay taxes anymore) or Actors. Granted actors are pretty self-involved and many are little nuts, but actors are pretty helpful people. They take your food orders, mix your drinks, bring your luggage up to your hotel room. Instead of shunning the actor the the IRS guy shun an investment banker every chance you get. While you're drinking your PBR at the outside bar start telling Polish jokes, but replace the word "Polish" for "investment banker" or "sociopath CEO."

It would go something like this, "Did you hear about the Investment Banker flashlight? It's solar powered." Or "How do you get a one armed Bank CEO out of a tree? Throw rocks at him until he's unconcious and falls."

Enjoy the rest of your summer.

Love in the Modern Age

In Medieval times knights in shining armor would defend the women they loved by slaying dragons, decapitating witches, and fending off men of ill repute. Today, I hope that my man in dull, cargo shorts could defend me from the pestering mosquitoes that present themselves each summer.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

What The Natural History Museum Missed

In New York City everything is a competition. Nothing fun can be had without sacrifice. Last Thursday looked like a lost day. I had arrived at Central Park to wait for "free" Shakespeare in the Park tickets at 9:30am. The Public Theater releases the tickets at 1pm. By 9:30 in the morning the line for tickets was at capacity. I woke up at 7:40am on my day off for nothing. According to the Public Theater Line monitor the line was basically full up by 7:00am. For free tickets to a show by a playwright most Americans loathed to read in high school.

What to do with my day? A smart person would have gone home and worked on her many artistic/career projects. As proved by my Shakespeare in the Park experience just minutes earlier, NYC is one competitive place and if I want to succeed I better get to work. But if we learned anything about me from the Shakespeare in the Park experience I lack a real competitive drive. So my friends and I went to the Museum of Natural History and took in the "EXTREME MAMMALS" exhibit. I saw a toe fossil from a four legged mastodon/elephant type creature that was as big as half my body. I saw a land walking whale. I saw the shell of the giant predecessor of the armadillo. The shell was big enough for small children to crawl through. CRAZY! EXTREME.

I learned that one of the most extreme mammals was the homo-sapien, aka the human. We are one of the only mammals to walk on two legs without hopping and we have a huge brain relative to our body size. But the museum missed something. We are the only mammals to video tape cats and post the videos on youtube.

I also learned that no matter how hard a species competes it will one day become extinct. In fact sometimes being so good at competing winds up being a species demise. If you hunt all the prey you have nothing to eat. If you get to the Delacorte Theater in Central Park at 3am you'll probably catch a cold.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Women Can Stand Around Too

I think it's time we liberated baseball. It's not like football where the size differential between the genders matters. All one has to do to play baseball is have the ability to stand on dirt or grass. A person doesn't need any kind of super human strength to throw a baseball across the field. All it takes is good reflexes to hit a base ball with a bat. Granted, home run hitters are somewhat strong relative regular people and so perhaps women wouldn't be league leading home run hitters, but most men aren't either.

All I'm saying is that women stand around as well as men do and why shouldn't they do it for big bucks?

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

The Secret Truth About Grandchildren

Here I explain the inexplicable. The age old question of why parents pressure their adult children to have children of their own. In short--The Grandchild question.

It's simple. You, the adult child, will one day be old and decrepit. When that day arrives you'll need someone to look after you. If you've made millions upon millions you can be as baron as the moon. But most people are poorish. And so they need adult children to lean on. Of course the bringing a child into the world does create some emotional attachment. The elderly though, not yet decrepit feel a little guilty about what they are about to put you through in a few years and think you, too should have that safety blanket. A person can't come out and say that. That sounds awful, so, instead, they just say, "Have kids. I want grandkids." Without any real reason to do so. Usually, given as a reason when pressed is, "Children are a joy." We all know that's not true. They're needy and time consuming and make you put your dreams and life on hold. But all that work and sacrifice is in an investment in your future. You're future of not being able to walk or see, or maybe even remember anything.

People may criticize this theory in the fact that the grandchild was something people were pressured to give to the older generation prior to us living until we fell apart. Yes, but back then children were needed for farm labor. Again you can't just come out and say, "You need to birth your own slaves."

In conclusion I leave you with this question that I'll answer. Why do you think gay people are pushing so hard for the legalization of gay marriage? Married people have a better shot at adopting a child. And don't gay people need someone to take care of their decrepit asses too?

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Type A Enjoyment

Here in the NYC area it has rained what feels like 75 of the last 28 days of June. That's the thing with grey skies and rain it slows the experience of time so that June has felt as if lasted two months instead of one. Rain is depressing. Constant rain is anyway. But you know what's worse? That one or first sunny day after weeks of rain. There is so much pressure.

That one sunny day can mind fuck you good. Because you don't know if this is the only sunny day for another three weeks of rain or the reign of rain has ended. And with that uncertainty comes a lot of pressure. If this is the only sunny day i better go outside and enjoy it. I have to get to the park. I'll skate or bike. But god I'm so tired. I haven't been sleeping well because of the depression by the rain and I am out of shape because I've been in doors for a month. What if I nap in the park the does that count as enjoying the rays and the outdoors? I have work to do too. This sun has come at the most inopportune time.. Well, I guess I can bring my laptop out to the park. Oh dear, i can't read the screen with the sun glaring. I'll write in my journal. And I'll bring a book to read, Reading always feels productive. God all this crap is heavy. But I have to get out there, this might be my only chance to get a tan all summer.

This lone sunny day is making me feel like a failure. I am failing at being merely outside. I'm not getting all I could get out of it. If only it were raining I could stay inside and watch a movie.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

If It's So Dry Where Do They Put The Goo.

Standing in a slow moving line at the grocery store I began to read the label on the back of the, soon to be mine, Pegresso bread canister. To my shock and horror and stupification I read the words, "corn syrup," listed as an ingredient. But they're bread crumbs. They're dry little morsels of bread. There is nothing syrupy about them. How do you get syrup not to be goopy? What is going on with food? How is it the bread crumb industry has surpassed NASA in technological advancements? Pegresso has defied the dry to goo space time food continum. They have broken the gooey barrier. Not only that, but the bread crumbs aren't sweet. They've somehow stripped corn syrup of all it's power. No glop and no sweet. But if corn syrup has no been rendered powerless then...

WHY IS THERE CORN SYRUP IN MY BREAD CRUMBS?!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Leave It to The Markets

So you're having problems with your man. He's not the boyfriend you want him to be. He's become complacent. I think it's time you opened up your relationship to market forces. Right now you have regulated your relationship so that you can go out and date other men. If you deregulate that relationship so that are free to trade love with other men you create competition between your boyfriend and other men. Once he realized there are others wanting the job of boyfriend and he can be fired as boyfriend at anytime watch his performance improve.

Monogamy is very similar to monopoly and when employees have a monopoly on the workforce Industry suffers; just like when you're boyfriend has a monopoly on your affections your relationship suffers. Socialsist will start whining, "But I love him." Fooey. If you really loved him you'd want him to be the best he could be and he's only going to be the best boyfriend if has to compete for the position. Anarchists will bitch, "But I don't want him seeing anyone else." Proving what I've always thought of anarchist they are cowards and have low self-esteem. If you anarchist sissies were all that you wouldn't be scared of a little competition on your side as well.

Remember the best way to deal with life's problems is to let the market and it's forces (similar to that used by Luke Skywalker) create competition. In competition only one person can win and by one person winning we all win.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Two Evils Don't Make a Good

When it comes to traffic and parking violations how should you pay you fines? Should you pay with a credit card? At first glance that seems the best way to get back on the buercrats who towed your car. If you have to pay $200 to get your car back then the tow pound is going to have to pay Citibank a transactional fee to get their $200. It only seems fair. Until you realize that by placing your fine on your credit card you have just provided an evil credit card company with funds, funds that allow them to act as loan sharks for millions of American. Ahhh! What do you do?

Melinda Richards suggests that you put it on your credit card anyway because Citibank didn't tow your car. That's true. And Citibank didn't place confusing park rules signs no where near the part of the block you parked. It's a sad day when our own local govermnent beats a multin-national invest bank/credit card company on who is most evil.

I also think it's funny that credit card companies have ruined millions of lives and investment banks have destroyed our economy and they haven't been given as much as ticket for loitering, in fact they were given billions of dollars, but you accidently park your car in the wrong place at the wrong time, without malice and without trying to screw your neighbor, without greed, you get fined.

God Bless America.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

More Solutions

You know what's wrong with this country, and perhaps western civilization as we know it? "The Golden Rule." The golden rule which were taught to mean, "do unto others as you would have them done unto you." It is the begininng and the end of us. You don't get much more self-centered than this axiom. The golden rule teaches us to have a very narrow view of the world and of the others that inhabit it. It presupposes that we are the same. We are not.

Here's how it works. Bill loves running. Bill runs everyday. Bill's cousin, Jared, has a birthday coming up. Bill says to himself, "You know what I'd love to get for my birthday? Nice new running shoes. I'm going to buy Jared a pair of running sneakers." Jared's birthday arrives he opens up his birthday gift from his cousin and Jared begins to cry and he and his one leg crutch out of the room. If only Bill thought of Jared and not of himself in terms of Jared this could have been avoided.

How about this: a married couple living together get into an argument.
M1: From here on in if you leave you're pappers on the floor or on my desk I'm going to throw them out.

M2: That's bullshit you know I'd never do that to you.

M1: Of course not because I'd never leave my papers on the floor or on your shit.

Here M2 is mad because M2 wants to be treated as M2 treats people. M1 is mad because M1 wants things to be neat and organized and doesn't want to deal with M2's crap everwhere. Both are thinking of themselves but M2 is worse becaues M2 is thinking that M2 is morally higher because M2 is implementing the golden rule. M1 of course is a better person because neatness is the way to go.

Another example of the golden rule failing is in the bedroom. If you treat people the way you want to be treated and you have different fetishes well then, the wrong person's ass will always be slapped during sex. The person who wants the ass slapping will slap his/her partner's ass while the person who doesn't want ass slapping will refrain from the ass slapping. Both parties wind up unhappy.

I say stop treating people the way you want to be treated and start treating them the way they actually want to be treated. In other words just because you love brussel sprouts doesn't mean I should have to eat them at dinner.

Friday, June 12, 2009

I'm Making Great US Policy

I've done it. I've solved three of our major problems. All we have to do is make human sized hamster wheels.

With human sized hamster wheels we will hire humans to run on them to create electricity we need to run our lives and our cars.

This solves three problems. 1)Unemployed people will now have jobs. 2) We no longer will be dependent on foreign oil, and 3) we'll conquer American obesity.

Now all we have to do is build the human sized hamster wheels.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Posers

If North Korea was a student at an international high school, they would be totally called out as posers. They so desperately want to be popular and friends with Iran that North Korean just does whatever Iran does. It's so obvious and sad. You can't just do what other rebel countries are doing and be considered a rebel or even cool. Iran started an illegal nuclear weapons program the next thing you know North Korea has one. So lame. Might as well dye your hair purple North Korea and start listening to the Ramones. Then Iran arrests a female journalist for espionage. A month later North Korea arrests two female journalist. Really, North Korea? Wow, you double the female journalist arrested and now you think you can sit at Iran's lunch table. Paaleease! You need to something big and on your own if you want to be the James Dean of Rebel nations in the modern era. Until then just put your pocket protector back in you in pocket and sit down.

Monday, June 08, 2009

We Grow Up Stupid

For people who have sleep problems, I am one of them, there are steps you can follow, know as sleep hygiene. The list of recommendations is long. After reading them, I wonder what the hell happened to me? Sleeping is something babies can do. They can do it with ease, they can do it all day. How is that grown humans can't perform an action, sleep, that a new born can do?

I blame the public school system. People can sleep before they go to school, but after "The State" has gotten their hands on us, we are too stupid to do something all animals in the animal kingdom an do. Hell, dolphins are so advanced they sleep half a brain at a time.

Humans are dumb.

Friday, June 05, 2009

The Starving Gourmet

In my 31 years on this planet I never related to those stereo-types of women potrayed by the media-- not after my batmitzvah, not after my first period, not after my first kiss, not even after my first time having sex. It wasn't until a few months ago when I moved in with my boyfriend Jack, after a billion years of us dating and him constantly suggesting we make the plunge, that I finally became a women. I women that you see talked about by stand-up comedians, and portrayed on sitcoms, a women that self-help books are marketed to--a real American women.

This has manifested itself in many ways, but I'd like to discuss the sex drive aspect of it. For years I've heard how women don't ever want to have sex and men want it all the time. This statement would have me yelling at the tv, "Women like sex! Women want to have it! Just not with you, chauvinsitic douche bag." And that was true then. I always wanted to have sex. Or so I thought.

You see, when you're single or just dating someone your opportunities for sex are limited, you have to jump at the chance when those chances come along. You could have several broken limbs and limited mobility but if sex is available you're all in. You never what's going to happen. I have had men, several weeks into a relationship, ask me on a date only to break-up with me in person. While, I appreciate the thoughtfulness and respect of telling me to my face and not a text message, I have since learned my lesson you might as well start the date with sex because you never know if you'll still be dating by the end of the evening. Start with dessert becauses there maybe no dinner, and this could be the last chance for chocolate chip cheesecake for months or years to come.

But then you move in with someone. You have a lease together for at least a year, or mortgage for a lifetime and that changes everything. The desperation you thought was your sex drive is gone. You look across the bed and you think, "We could have sex, but I'm tired and have to work tomorrow. Ahh forget it, he'll be here tomorrow, there's no rush. I should get my requisite 9 hours of sleep." 9 Hours! That's crazy right? It wasn't too long ago you were willing to go to work on 3 hours sleep and in the same clothes you were to work the day before.

I guess I learned. I starving person might eat truffles but that doesn't make him a gourmet.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Chose Your Own Adventure: All Lead to Death

The medical establishment along with the US government likes to recommend that we the people should exercise and cut down on our sugar and fat intake. They believe that this will cut down on heart disease. They might be right. But I say so what. I execise. I ride my bike in and around New York City. You know what the gasoline and diseal fumes are not doing my body good. I'm sure lung cancer is on the horizon for me, maybe brain cancer depending on how the pollutants attach themselves to my hemoglobin.

So here's a choice you can either execise out in the polluted world which will raise your heart rate and force you to inhale bigger gulps of toxic air and you can spend your last days on nausea causing chemo that will surely bankrupt you, or you can eat all the delicious desserts you want while watching TV and drop dead of a heart attack. Heart attacks are much cheaper as long as you don't have one in front of other people who could call 911 which will wind you up in an hospital--ouch. Heart attacks also kill much more quickly than Cancer the suffering therefore is less. The key to eating an "unhealthy diet" is to make sure you die of a heart attack before you wind up with diabetes. Losing limbs isn't fun.

**Note: To avoid cancer while maintaining an active lifestyle you must engage in extreme sports with high mortality rates like Mountain Climbing.**

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

This is hardly timely, In Fact It Might Be Dated

It just occurred to me that Michael Moore is the New York Yankees of liberals. He's rich, resides in NY, and is hated by many Americans. But they most resemble each other in the way theyt don't want to develop a farm team. Sure Michael Moore dabbled in a farm team president when he backed Ralph Nader in for the 2000 election. After Nader was blown out by the Republicans and Democrats Michael Moore jumped traded his contender for a high priced free agent in John Kerry. Again Moore's team lost, and so he went out and helped raise money for the Democrats. The party spent more money than any other team in the history of American politics. Sure Michael Moore got himself a win, and the Yankees might actually win a championship this season, but I don't know that either will have a dynasty anytime soon.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

In Sports/Revolution

It appears that the Tamil Tigers have finally been defeated by the Sri Lanka Armed Forces in a match that went into overtime for 25 years. The game was deadlocked for 24 years and several months until Sri Lanka subbed in a new Prime Minister. That's when the momentum began to swing in favor of the Sri Lanka Armed Forces. The capitan of the Tamil tigers is sorry to see a one in the loss column, but is happy it's finally over. He's looking to get some much needed rest and gear up for their match against the Montville Township Mustangs. Odds makers favor the Tigers 22-1 over the Mustangs who have no professional experience. And no one in the sports world sees this one going into extra innings.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Betrayl

Saturday I headed up to Connecticut to help celebrate my first cousin’s once removed 1st birthday. Some suggested I write about my 1st cousins' (never removed) drunken, karaoke shenanigans at the party. However, that suggestion was made prior to my own sober, karaoke spectacle. Since I don't know what humiliating, digital video lay in the wings (if any) I'll refrain from commenting on that part of Saturday. At least until I can remember the witty and caustic comments I made at the table while my cousins were singing. It seems my family is trained in the arts of FBI interrogation techniques. At some point at the after-party Saturday night I was tricked into divulging my diet secret. I might as well share it with you now, seeing is it's out of the bag and who knows whom my aunt and uncle will sell my secret to. I figure publicizing the diet will decrease the amount of money they can get for it on the black market. I don't know exactly the order of events. But here is how my own family members betrayed me as best as I can remember. As we all sat in the living room of my cousin's house on very comfortable couches, me with a glass of wine in my hand. How that wine came into my possession I can't say, perhaps my cousin-in-law poured it for me in another room, perhaps there was no wine at all and the wine memory was planted there by family members after the interrogation to discredit me later. The Yankee's game was on the television, which I found strange as I remember listening to the same game earlier that day on the drive up to Connecticut. Did they tape the game and then replay it in hopes to disorient me? I can't say for sure. I did attempt to lure some of the family into wagers with me about the game, (as I was pretty certain of the out come varying plays and pitches) however, no one took the bait. They are sly. At some point in the night a voice asked me, "Well how do you stay so thin?" I answered cautiously trying not to reveal too much, "Poverty." Another voice challenged me, "Well, that's not necessarily true, they've found poverty can actually lead to obesity." And before I knew what happened I heard myself saying, "Yeah, but I'm smart and spend half my money on things like pricey grass fed beef and then just ration out a few bites a day." Dag nab it! They got it out of me. Someone. Urg! Foiled yet again by these rascally Italian-Jews.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

If I'm Going to Die Let Me Be Drunk

According to an NPR radio report there has been debate on how to interpret the data of a British Medical Study. The scientist studied the effects of wine as it relates to breast cancer. The first report said women drinking a glass of wine a day are 11% more likely to get cancer than those who abstained from drinking altogether. Later the data was reviewed and other scientist said this whole thing was misreported and that it really is just a 1% increase in a woman's chances for breast cancer.

My response to all of this is "Really?" We're worried about the effects of wine or chocolate on our health. Humans have been getting drunk since we were monkeys finding fermented fruit on the jungle ground. There are hormones in our drinking water, carbon monoxide in the air, crazy polyimers in the ground, and e. coli in our food; I say we might as well get our drink on now, because by the time we're doing our chemo-cocktails we won't have the strength to be drunk anymore.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

"Rationalization is More Important Than Sex" -- The Big Chill



Many years ago I dated Jabba the Hut. OK that is not true. However, for the purposes of this blog the boy I did date many years ago will be refered to as Jabba not to protect the the boy but to protect me. It is far less embarasssing to admit to dating a movie star, however grotesque, than to admit to my actual choice. And that is the point of today's post.

Monday I was performing at an ill attended show on the East side of Manhattan. I had just completed my set when the very inebriated host took back the stage and annouced I slept with Jabba. Thankfully, the audience had no idea who the host was talking about, but my colleagues did. Oh the humilation. During the rest of the show I was whispering rationalizations and execuses to the other comics. "It was so many years ago. He was a lot thinner. And taller a good 5 inches taller, weird how a 30 something can shrink like that. I was going through a real tough time, I just got divorced I still wasn't off the heroin, coke, meth, and LSD." You know you've made a mistake when you've rather be known as a divorced recovering drug fiend (none of which is true) than admitting you dated Jabba. I continued, "And it was before he had that horrible accident that imparted irreprabable brain damage. Back when we were dating he was a totally different person, such a sweet personality, charming, not awkward or hateful at all. It's sad what happened to him after that accident. What? What was the accident? Uh...umm. He got caught in a subway door. He was holding up the train and a little old lady starting beating him with an umbrella in hopes he'd get out of the door. Because he was so much taller then the little all lady had to jump up to reach his head. The extra force of her coming down jarred his brain. I know so horrible."

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Is the Band Playing? Because the Titanic is Sinking

Hipsters* must be in ironic bliss with the arrival of the Swine Flu (Recently rebranded H1N1 virus, as to not offend pig farmers and those who don't eat pork. I think they should haver renamed it Swine Toflu or Swine Toflutie but the CDC never asks for my opinions on these matters.). Just when we thought our demise would come in 20-40 years from global warming related destruction turns out the human race is going down in the blaze of glory known as Swine Flu (H1Ni virus) and we're doing this May.

And you all though the Christian right didn't have a clue thinking global warming was a load a crap. You thought Monsanto and Dow chemical were lying about pollution not being a problem. Turns out it was the Museum of Natural History and their crazy notion we're going to run out of drinkable water in 50 years that was driving the looney train.

It's been a nice ride. I would have loved to see Machu Pichu. I guess I should have planned better.

---
*Hipster: Human person usually found living in urban areas. The males tend to be quite skinny. Both male and females seem to feed on irony. They dress ironically; watch tv ironically; and, converse to one another ironically. However, they listen to music like elitists and are always on the look out for the most obscure, independent, rock and roll band. Their favorite emotions are ennui and boredom. Most hipster are in their 20s though some can be found in high schools and some are as old as 48 years old. A large percentage of them are thought to have trust funds, but an accurate percentage can not be calculated due to the fact almost none of them will admit to it. Whether they have a trust fund or not most claim to earn a living in the graphic design industry.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

10 Cent Word and Indie Rock Song Equal Ungettable Parody

I've written a song parody that very few will appreciate.

It's to the tune of Sugar's "Helpless" My version is called "Feckless." I've included the video for the song so you can all sing along at home.

"Feckless"

You always fail time after time
You know you act so feckless, I
Am at a loss. Jump start your mind
Try fish oil suppliments, yeah

Sometimes I've got to tell you
Is it this time I'll tell you
Your lack of competence
Is driving me utterly crazy

A stubbed toe a broken nose
You fall down walk into walls
You can't pay your rent or put on your clothes
You're life is such a mess

I have tried to help you
But you are oh so feckless
There is nothing more I can do
Maybe you're just very special

A lost job and a towed car
Can you be more feckless? I
Don't see you getting very far
You are oh so feckless. I
Waste my time on your so feckless. I
So so feckless. I

You're left alone with something
It breaks within thirteen minutes
Don't have a baby, baby
Keep those genes tucked and hid away

A stubbed toe a broken nose
You fall down and walk into walls
Can't pay your rent or buy new clothes
Your life is such mess


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Granted it's Similar to the Frowning Joke. But Meaner

Yesterday I was told that, "Anger takes so much energy." To which I replied, "Yeah, well some of us are in good enough shape to handle anger. Maybe next time you're on the eliptical at your gym you can set it to angry get yourself a good, hard work out."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Mom's Seen The Light and I don't Look Good In It

I know my mother has given up on me. She looks at me and sees a life long temp living paycheck to paycheck. Mom, didn't come out and say "I know you're going nowhere and I've come to terms with it." My mom is much more subtle. Instead, she said, "Hey, you know I think you should spend more quality time with your aunt. You guys should get to know each other better. You know you're aunt doesn't have any children of her own?"
"Yes, mother I know your older sister has no children, I've known the women 31 years."
"I'm just mentioning that because it's something you two have in common. Something you can discuss as you make in roads into her good graces. You know she's your godmother?"
"Yes, I know that."
"Good, make sure you remind her constantly. Oh and Rachael, make sure she comes out and sees your comedy act. Playing on a person's heart strings can be a very effective strategy."
"Mom, I'm very funny."
"I know dear, but no one comes to the shows anyway."
"Quality time with your sister it is."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Female Medicine Not as Well Funded

Apparently the patriarchal, medical establishment once again has failed us women. Did anyone ever think to research the causes of women's facial hair growth? Could be perhaps that these women are dating or married to balding men who are using Rogaine? These men are rubbing their heads on the faces of their women and traces of the Rogaine are finding their way onto women's skin. Next thing you know we've got a facial hair or two. And even if there isn't head to face contact there definitely is head to pillow, pillow to face contact. Rogaine is everywhere and we women are suffering.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Great New Game to Play with Roommates and Live-In Partners

The best part of moving-in with a spouse or person you're dating is getting to play "Let's try to diagnose the mental disorder." A game that you can't play when you're merely dating someone there isn't enough time together in a person's habitat. Don't worry single people can play it too, provided they have roommates. The more roommates the more hours of enjoyment you can spend google searching symptoms like: "Chronic key loss," "Dish cleaning phobia," "Enjoys starting home improvement projects he'll never finish," or "Randomly screams alone in the middle of the night." Then you get to read the diagnosis on Web MD: "Adult ADD/ disorganization disorder," "You're roommate probably did grow up in barn without running water or plates, " or "Paranoid Schizophrenic."

The game is so fun I think that's why Mormons are into polygamy.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Faster than a Speeding Bullet more Influential than Oprah

Uh Oh Oprah, it looks like someone is cutting on your share of world influence. Hugo Chavez has started his own book club he's calling "The Chavez Petroleum Book Club." Though, Chavez's book club has far less titles to recommend to readers his book club seems 20 times more influential than the Chicago talk show hosts.

Dana Lason of Brooklyn thinks, "It's the low numbers of books he recommends that keeps his book club realistic. Everyone can afford to buy a book once a decade. I mean even my struggling actor friends in Queens can afford a book once in awhile." Gail May of Pittsburgh adds, "10 or 20 years is ample amount of time for me to finish a book. Oprah makes it so hard with books every month to read. How can I read a book in a month? My life is hectic. I have three grade school kids to run all over town, not mention my Jewelry making business"

It seems people all over the world are ditching Oprah's book club for the less cheery and hopeful, but more logistically practical book club of Chavez. Though, some interviewed have switched to Hugo Chavez merely because he goes by his last name which to them seems less arrogant than Oprah Winfery going by her first name.

Some close to Oprah fear she may use her billions to support a Coup in Venezuela to over throw Chavez so that she can dominate the book club market once again. There has been no word if President Obama will try to negotiate peace between the two parties. President Obama does have books in his personal library from both book club lists but it seems he hasn’t read any of them yet.

Friday, April 17, 2009

It's A New Day

Yesterday was opening day for the new Yankee Stadium. People made a big deal about the old stadium closing and now this one opening. I had been to the old Yankee Stadium a number of times in my 31 years on this planet though the days might have been memorable the building itself wasn't. It was a big concrete edifice gray and bland on the inside with dirty seats that looked out onto a lawn. I grew up in the suburbs I've seen plenty of lawns.

But the games themselves were memorable. I saw the one-handed pitcher, Jim Abbot, pitch a no hitter against the Indians. I remember going to a game with dad's army buddy's family from DeKalb, IL. The middle child 13 year old who played the French Horn informed me in a horrified tone that my college colors were the colors of the gays. "Maybe in DeKalb, kid but in the Northeast they use a rainbow, similar to the one coming out the unicorn's ass you have there on your sweatshirt." At 9 years old I took Lisa N. to a Red Sox game, before she was my arch-nemesis hoping to win her favor and enjoy social life san strife and ridicule. But, much like that game had the stands filled with Red Sox fans (because Yankee fans couldn't be bothered to show up) the people in my metaphorical stands were not my fans either. And who could forget the game I didn't get to go to two years ago? Security wouldn't allow my two male friends in to the stadium because they were carrying backpack type bags. You know like everyone in NYC does because we have no cars to leave or shit in. Because the subway ride to the Bronx is long and we need reading material or music playback device to pass the time, or, of course, perhaps you've come from work and are carrying your laptop. Don't worry women were allowed in to the stadium with a personal carry-on item. If only there I wonder if the new stadium has the same sexist policy or if the Yankees will enforce their anti-New Yorker policy equally to both sexes.

My point is I'm a Yankees fan, but I'm not a fan of the stadiums. My memories could have happened in any structure that allows people to sit together and watch baseball. Stadiums in general are not usually architectural marvels. They're not like the Chrysler Building or the Guggenheim Museum. Stadium are big and oafish. They block out the sun for the residents surrounding and chop up a neighborhood all at the expense of the tax payer. (Where are the Tea Parties when new stadiums are erected?)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

If Germany Thinks Your Evil You're Probably Evil

Yesterday Germany would not approve the use of genetically-modified, farm products (seeds and what not)to be used in German agriculture. Basically, the Germans have banned the use of most Monsanto products. I guess that's how evil Monsanto is that the Germans don't even have the stomach for them.

in unrelated news check out this video

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Somewhere on the Internet I read

Why is it always the women who have to change? I read some article on MSN or Slate. The article tried to figure out why women stayed with abusive husbands or boyfriends. The article stated that the violent men are never cured of their violence. Once violent always violent despite any and all efforts of the psychiatric community (I'm assuming they are excluding sedation as a method). Well I say if he can't change then why should the woman have to change? She's in love with violent man maybe there is no cure for that (barring sedation).

Oh and another thing to answer the article's question "Why do women stay with their abusers?" Because the women love these men.

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Power of Love is Transformational

For decades--perhaps centuries--pop culture has been telling us that women and men are so different. Women ask unanswerable questions like, "Do I look fat in this outfit?" and Men love flipping through channels and having sex. First, can we just take a second and ask if any man is in a relationship with a skinny or fit woman? I mean, it's not hard to answer, "no" if she doesn't look fat and if she isn't. Because if men are only in relationships with fat women then why are all those gals starving themselves for.

I digress.

As you can see I never really bought into the notion that women and men are so different. I never identified with the characteristics that were being ascribed to women. I didn't nag. I didn't care about how much money a dude made. And all my male friends (granted most of them I knew from Art College) didn't seem to fit those macho stereo-types. And then I moved in with a man in a romantic sort of way. I've had male roommates before but this was different. And within two months I had been transformed into my mother. Living with a man your dating make you your mother. I went from a non-intrusive laise-faire kind of person to a nagging and demanding woman and of course like a woman, I blame him.

I went from saying things like, "Yeah let's eat there that sounds fine" to "Why can't you put your clothes away." From "Let's stay in and watch a movie, that'll be fun" to "Are you ever going to finish that book shelf/entertainment center you're building? The living room is a mess. This is totally unfair."

The only benefit of living with a man you're dating is saving on rent.

Friday, April 10, 2009

I've Solved All Our Problems

It started out with me wanting to ban dating for people under 18 years of age. I figure dating is as unhealthy for interpersonal relationships between men and women as cigarette smoking is for our lungs. Immature boys and girls date one another and treat each other badly because of their immaturity and out of control hormones making them act irrationally. What happens that humans enter adulthood with tons of baggage regarding the opposite sex. There's a lot of mistrust and hatred of women by men and men by women. I figured I'd put a stop to that by supporting legislation that bans dating for those under 18 years of age.

My fiance James pointed out that, though a ban on underage dating is a good start, there is still the problem of the psychological scarring that our parents inflict on us.

And that's when genius struck. All human babies will be given to wolves to raise. The question of what will the new generation do about language arose. I answer that concern with, "Nothing." The new generation of Humans will be adept at communicating like a wolf. The new generation will be the Wolf-People Generation a loving unscarred generation of co-operative hunters. The added bonus is that wolves don't know how to bank.

WOLF-PEOPLE get on board.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Don't Talk to Strangers...Unless You Want to Marry

How many times have you heard someone give the execuse for not dating a friend as, "I don't want the sex to ruin the friendship?"

Really? Are you that bad at sex that years of friendship would crumble under your sexual incompetence? If that's the case perhaps you shouldn't date anyone, and take the time you'd use for dates and courting to study up on proper sexual technique.

Of course I get it if you're really not into your friend romantically and you're just throwing out the "I don't want to ruin the friendship" thing to spare your friend's feelings. However, I have to ask all of you what are you expecting from your romantic relationships? Why would you pass up someone you've known for years, that you get along with, that knows all about you and you him or her and yet you still want to spend time together?

No you all rather get yourself an online personals profile where you have to write an essay on why you're worthy of dating and then sift through other people's essays. You're going to spend your time reading these self involved online prose (that haven't been edited by a professional) when you haven't read Moby Dick yet. All so you can have awkward drinks or miserable dinner or with some stranger who may or may not have a criminal record. Your friends might have criminial records but you know all about that because you were there at the bar fight when he got arrested. Those type of shared memories is what bonds you.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Not Everyone Retires to Miami Beach

I know many of you out there have been greiving for the AIG executives who have been targetted by the government and small-minded, American rage. These poor men and women who accidently ran their company and the country into the ground. Who hasn't crashed a car? And when the rest of us have that accident aren't we allowed to get another car? Even if we drove our car into the capital building which caused the building to burst into flames. Will anyone take a stand for these AIG executives?

Yes. Well. not a stand. But other financial executives will bitch about the unfairness facing these AIG people. In financial offices around NYC lolely temps can hear other best and the brightest complain about how it's unfair these people have to pay back our bonuses. And gripe that, "We live in a land of laws and contracts." Here! Here! Finally smart people are saying something even if it's only inside the walls of their offices.

Now, not to rain on anyone's parade here, but does it matter that AIG executives had a contract with AIG prior to the government bailout. I am just an uneducated little person who can't grasp the complicated world of finance and how legitimate it all really is. However, I remember reading about Bill Parcels and his contract with the Miami Dolphins. You see Bill Parcels is one of the best and the brightest in football. The owner of the Miami Dolphins hired him to be the General Manager of his 1-15 football team. The following season after Parcels general managing the team went to the playoffs. Parcels' contract was for several years, however, the current owner of the Dolphins was contemplating selling the team. If the sale went through then Bill Parcels would not be obligated to to remain the General Manager of the Miami Dolphins. Yes, his contract would no longer be binding.

So my question is, now that I and all my friends own a majority stake in AIG why are the contracts that I did not negotiate with the workers still valid? If football guru Bill Parcels doesn't have to honor his contract once new management comes in why do the AIG executives have to.

Free the AIG executives from their bonuses. Don't make them stay on with new management. They hate their new management anyway.

Monday, April 06, 2009

That Family from Guttenberg, Living in fear in the Suburbs

I fear. I’m really good at it too. Now, I don’t know if it’s genetic or learned, but I do know my family feared before I came on the scene. Today, as I trained for my latest temp assignment I was reminded of my grandmother’s fear of lightning and how she scared the shit out of me as a kid.

This morning I sat at the reception desk of some financial company with a permanent executive assistant who was showing me the ropes. In the middle of my learning to transfer calls the woman hops from the desk and exclaims, “Did you see that flash of light? Was that lightning? I love lightning I’m a lightning nut.” Then she proceeded to usher me to the window to see if we could get an up close view of another strike. This was not how I was raised.

20 something years ago, I found myself a child and staying at my grandparents’ house. It was just me and Nana. I don’t know where my grandfather was; perhaps he was out gambling or something. All of a sudden a storm crashed through the night. Lightning, thunder, and torrential rains blew in. As a child I felt somewhat afraid, but not nearly as afraid I was I was going to feel. In times like these, where danger and chaos seem to be present children usually look to the adult in the room for reassurance. This evening was no different. And I was reassured. I was reassured that I was going to die that night.

My grandmother hurried us both to the upstairs hallway. She then closed the three bedroom doors and one bathroom door that surrounded the rectangular landing at the top of the carpeted stairs. This way we couldn’t see the lightning. Then she curled up in a fetal position and had me do the same. There we were a 6 year old and 60 year old hiding from the sight of lightning. Unfortunately, we could not hide from the sound of the thunder. Every time it rumbled Nana made a vocal start. Not a scream as much as a “OOoo. Ahhh.” A similar noise to the one she made when being driven in the car and another car would appear on the road. We were to die that night.

The storm passed on through and somehow not one bolt of lightning struck through the house. And the house remained intact despite the sonic thunder. We lived. I don’t know how. But I have forever taken with me that night the ability to be scared shitless by things that probably won’t hurt me.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Soy: I am.

I know a vegan. A friend of mine suggested that the vegan I know is gay. I said,
"I don't think so he has a girlfriend."
"Ahhh that doesn't mean anything." Said my friend. "No, I think he's straight. I think what you're picking up on is the soy."
"What?"
"Yeah, he's a vegan. Therefore he eats a lot of soy and soy is natural estrogen. He's probably a little effete because he's got all this soy estrogen in his body."

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

It's a God Damn Miracle!

Last night the most amazing thing happened to me. I headed out to Jersey City to perform at Melissa Surach's show "Babyhole." I had performed at her show before and was happy to but didn't think much of it. Well, since the last time I headed out there she had changed venue. It was once held at some loft space on Christopher Columbus Avenue and now it's held at a neighborhood bar. It's an important detail because the loft space was only patronized by Jersey City artists and musicians in the know where as the bar's patrons are anyone who stops in to see what the neon lights are all about.

I did my 15 minute set to warm, attentive laughter to the 15-20 people in the bar. It was a lovely mix of new and old material that flowed seamlessly from one bit to the next. After my set a fellow comes up to me and says, "Great set. Can I buy you a drink."
"Thanks. Actually, I'm not drinking right now due to intestinal problems."
"Really?"
"Yeah. As hard as it is for me to turn down a gifted a drink I'm trying to be an adult and not live in the moment but think about the future."
"Ha. Can I buy you a glass of water? And we can talk about your future."

At first I thought he was trying to hit on me. Which is awesome. Not only did my set go well but now someone thinks I'm hot or at least bedable.

Unfortunately, for my feminine ego he was not after me for sex. He was however, interested in developing a web series for me on HBO.com He works for HBO development and he's in charge of a new web project they're working on to provide exclusive web content for people who already subscribe to HBO the channel.Then might for a reduced fee offer the web channel to people who don't get HBO normally, but the content will be different. Get this, not only is exposure for what I do.They're going to pay me money. Not just drink tickets. Like thousands of dollars in money. All because his cousin, who lives in Jersey City, was dumped by his girlfriend and devastated. Mark (HBO executive) hustled out to JC to console his cousin with drinks at the local watering hole. Neither of them expecting to find themselves in the middle of a music and comedy show.

Can you believe it?



APRIL FOOLS

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Scattological and Little Gross

"Where did the chicken go?" I asked Saturday afternoon.
'What chicken?" questioned back my boyfriend Jack.
'"The chicken I ate Thursday night."
"Well, you ate it."
"Yes, but it's not in the toilet?"

Things went down in my body 3:30am Thursday morning leading me not eat anything for the rest of the day as a precautionary measure. I finally ate after sundown Thursday night. But then there was no evidence that I had eaten.

On Sunday there still was no evidence and I convinced myself I must be constipated. 8 bowls of fiber 1 later I realized, maybe I overestimated my shit. I mean the whole reason we eat is to ingest calories and nutrients our bodies need to function. So, it figures that most of the chicken should be processed and not found in my bowels.

Why wasn't this ever covered in health class or biology? They spend all this time on sex education. What is there to teach in that area? Don't have a sex orif you do use a condom. If things down there change color, itch, or burn see a doctor take meds. If you stop getting your period see a doctor. Class over. You think they could have spent a day teaching us the percentage of the food we eat that turns into waste both solid and liquid. People suffer from digestive mishaps for more often then they suffer from STD's and pregancy. In fact pregancy can cause digestive mishaps. I know that from health class, what do about the digestive problems if one is pregnant. I have no idea. They never tell you that in public school.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The Rich being Displaced by the Very Rich

I had never heard of Magnolia bakery before Mach 16, 2009. Turns out Magnolia is to blame for the demise of New York City's West Village.

I found myself in the West Village two weeks ago with a couple of friends. One thing led to another and we found ourselves with baked goods from Magnolia bakery with nowhere to eat them. As we began our search we were stopped by 60-somethinglady. She was small and her dog was smaller. "Oh Magnolia bakery. You are from New York."
"Yeah, I am. I'm just not from the West Village."
Then she went on to tell us of the how Magnolia bakery as devastated the west village. "None of the privately owned bakeries can afford the rents here anymore. But all the tourists line up outside that place. It's like dipping your tongue in sugar."
"Yeah, I don't know about that.We were wandering around and smelt baked goods so we went in and then we bought personal sized cheesecakes for ourselves. There wasn't any line." I explained.
"Ugh! It's like a mall now. And these kids move into the million dollar apartments, they buy two three of them at a time and break-through the walls for one big apartment.Uh! The racket. I remember when this was a real neighborhood. Back 20, 40 years ago when it was only slightly non-affordable. But now the mere rich are getting priced out."

"I know." I said, "It's horrible. Soon you'll be priced out and you'll have to move to Brooklyn and then we might be neighbors. I'll have to listen to you for ten minutes in the cold air while you rail against my spontaneous shopping decisions. But the good thing about that, is you won't be a random stranger anymore."