Thursday, October 28, 2010

I'm off to Marry my Friends

No no no. I'm not getting married, I'm conducting the ceremony. If you would like your wedding ceremony I am for hire. You can hear my commercial for this new business on the football laces podcast episode 6. Just posted today. Find the link to your right of here.

And may god bless you.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I think I might run for office

I've been thinking of running for public office in order to get a job. I don't really have any skills for any other industry and going back to school expensive. It's also a gamble. Who knows if there will be any jobs in any profession. But I do love to talk and I can hire aides with the proper training to write legislation. So if you could find it in your heart this November write me in on your ballot. For all or any offices that are open.

Meanwhile episode 5 of Football laces is up. Click to your right.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I'm on the Side of Righteousness

In a couple of weeks I will be presiding over a wedding ceremony. Yes, me-Rachael Parenta, comedian, non-religious, barely spiritual--will be officiating a wedding. This wedding is a special wedding the couple to be wed are big Halloween fans and are to be married October 30th. They are trying to convince their guests to wear costumes. They want the ring barer to be in a bear costume. They plan to sing a song with together, accompanied by a Ukulele after their vows but before they kiss and are presented to the witnesses as newly married. The bride is planning to wear devil horns on her head during the ceremony in honor of Halloween.

This wedding does nothing to the integrity of the institution of marriage because the couple is straight.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Secret to My Unsuccss

I look around me and I see one thing people who doing well for themselves, professionally, have in common. They overcame some horrible addiction. I now people who were complete drunks give up drinking and the next thing you know they're out there succeeding. I have friend who weighed many pounds than she lost all the weight and now life is humming along for her. If only I had screwed up my life in some major way. If I had almost killed myself with some bad choice I could then really take stock of my life and say, "Rachael, this has to stop." When the problem is clear the solution can be found in a book or 12 step program.

Once I almost almost killed myself by climbing out a 3 floor window, but I only broke one bone. I was in the hospital a week maybe a week and half. You don't soul search with a broken ankle. And that my friends is as close as I have come to hitting rock bottom and then turning my life around.

Sure I could go out there start shooting heroin. But, what if I don't get addicted? What if I become one of those functional drug addicts we hear about? Or worse what if it all goes horribly wrong and I just stay addicted or overweight or a drunk or a sex addict, whatever? I guess I really don't have the courage to give my career my all. To gamble.

Well, I guess I'll still mull it over while I'm watching TV and gchatting for the rest of the day. We'll see if I can fit it in, what with all the computer hearts I have to play.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Stay Home! I Love You! Don't Go!

The US declared a travel advisory for Americans traveling to Europe. I believe the warning was something like, "Don't go to Europe now the exchange rate of dollar to euro is awful, you're going to have to stay in hostel. Seriously guys, don't go. You can get Mcdonalds right here at home. You're still going? But why? We need you to spend money here. Please. We love you."

The government likes to keep us scared when election time nears. Unfortunately for the political parties I'm not so scared of terrorists. I'm scared of Cancer. And everywhere I turn I see cancer plotting against me. If I go out into the sun without sunscreen--cancer. If I put sunscreen on--cancer. I have to eat vegetables to avoid cancer unless those vegetables were grown in toxic soil with toxic pesticides--cancer. I didn't eat all the vegetables I cooked so I have to reheat them, oh wait not in that suspicious container. I should go get exercise, oh but not outside cancer is in the air.

All I'm saying is there is what a couple thousand terrorists most aren't that smart, but there are millions of ways of getting cancer and getting cancer is expensive and the treatment is as bad as the disease. I'd rather have a guy with bomb sitting next to me than a guy who is radioactive.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

Football Laces episode is up

Look to your right click on the link if you're interested in football or imaginary sponsors.