Sunday, February 28, 2010

All of a sudden it's March

Anyone else feel like February rips them off? I feel like my landlord is getting one over on me. I pay the same amount of rent for February as I do for all the other months. February is at least 2 days shorter than other months. And as we know it's 3 days shorter than others. I want 2.5 days of rent money back. That's almost a hundred dollars (granted split 3 ways among me and my two other roommates, but still nearly $33.33. Man, the possiblities. I could treat myself to an almost very nice dinner, like something other than a burrito. I could pay my share of the electric bill and have enough left over for a burrito. I could pay my share of the cable bill and the gas bill and than maybe split an order of nachos. I could buy an unlimited metro card for a week and then get a donut. I could hunt down my enemies and nail them with a cream pie when it was a really bad time for them to be humilated with sugar and fat.)

I'm just saying I think February was invented by the real-estate industry.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Shut Up About Your Weather

My least favorite thing about Mid Atlantic snowstorms is people from the Midwest scoffing at us. Yes, there ridiculousness is more annoying than my little legs trying to find safe passage across the ponds that meet me at every intersection during snowstorms. These Midwesterners and some great lake regionites call up radio stations and say things like, "Oh this is nothing. Come on, people, it's just some snow. 12 inches? We wouldn't even call that a snowstorm that's beach weather. Grab the suntan lotion let's go surfing. Well, if we weren't land locked."

It's surprising to me that these same expatriot snowbirds don't make the claims about obesity. "Oh god, you New Yorkers think that an extra 20lbs is fat. Please, that's swim suit model. We have fat people. We have heart disease. You guys with your sissy non-chain resturaunts to chose from. Please and all the walking you guys do and up and down subway steps. None of that is possible here."

I'll tell you this Midwesterners I saw a couple of native New Yorkers probably 17 years old on the subway last night. The two girls were dressed in fishnet stockings and 3 inch heels. Not only was it cold, wet, and slushy out it was also a Thursday! Don't tell me we can't handle winter weather, I'd like to see any of you drive a car in that outfit.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Grossness

Have you ever accidently turned someone on while you were trying to clean the sweat off your hands. Then you have to have sex with them because it's too awkward to explain you just didn't want to wipe the sweat off on your own shirt. Of course then you wind up sweatier than ever.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Winter Olympics

After watching some of the Winter Olympic Games on TV the other day I realized Nascar fans must love downhill skiing. Granted the lack of a gas fueled engines in the sport cuts down on the fireballs, but I imagine for those people it might be a nice change of pace.

Meanwhile, I would like to applaud China. Thankgod for China. It has been a long time since we had a country to root against and label as evil and suspect of cheating. Al Queda never really stepped up to the challenge. Which I'm guessing is just laziness on their part. I mean they're in the mountains a great deal of time, they have the opportunity practice at minimum skiing and bi-atholon activities. Granted I don't know how many frozen lakes they have access to to practice figure and speed skating. Their ladies might trip on their garb trying to complete a tripple axle, but how hard is it to build a bobsled track. If they can do it in Jamaica why not Afganastan or where ever the hell they are.

I'm just saying it's really selfish of the Al-Queda to not join in on the tradition of the Soviets and the Nazis and now China and compete with us not just in war but in sport. They too could win moral victories.

Monday, February 15, 2010

For Your Presidents Day/Post Valentine's Day Entertainment

Enjoy a couple of lost couple interviews from When Harry Met Sally.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

HealthCare Reform In 2040

Liberals are all up in arms that health care reform isn't going to pass in the senate. I say to these liberals have patience. Soon enough the health insurance companies will get theirs. It's simple. As manufacturing and union jobs continue to disappear from the landscape of the US economy more and more people will work the way I and so many other people under 35 work, part time at several jobs. As you know people working less than 40 hours a week for any given company do not recieve benefits like health insurance or paid sick days. People might work 60 hours a week but not all the hours for the same single company and therefore won't receive any benefits.

So that's the first part as healthcare costs rise companies will stop hiring full time workers so as not to have to provide health insurance to their employees. There goes a huge chunk of business for the health insurance companies. Next to make-up for the lost profits the insurance companies will be losing due to no more fulltime workers with benefits buying their product they will raise premiums on single payer insurance policies as many have done this year. In turn all those part time workers who are saddled with crazy amounts of college debt won't be able to buy insurance on their own. Soon no one will buying health insurance except investment bankers, and though investment bankers make a great deal of money, there aren't really that many of them. So with no customers the health insurance companies will collapse and the world will be a sicker yet far better place.

One day we'll look on health insurance companies like horse and buggy companies with nostalgia. I'm sure horse and buggy manufacturers beat their workers and had faulty breaks on their carriages that killed countless children in the cobbled stone streets of the past. But now, we're like ahhh the Horse and Buggy is so quaint and adorable and old-timey. And one day we'll say that of insurance compaines. "Ahh their so quaint with the way they used to push paper around and have provide expensive meals for senators. I long for the days of office parks. It's so old timey."

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Football and Keeping the Baby

I watched the Superbowl this Sunday. I watched the whole game, but somehow missed the Tim Tebow anti-abortion commercial. But the idea of a superbowl commercial about keeping your baby got me thinking. I guess it's one thing for a married lady with the support of her community to choose to keep a dangerous pregnancy as Tim's mom did. That's kind of like going for a two-point conversion to put you up 4 points forcing the opposition to score a touch down to beat you. If you miss the two points you're in the same boat as if you kicked the extra point.

But then there's keeping your baby after a drunken one-night stand. The reason you're drinking so heavily is you're life is such a shit hole of a minimum-waged nightmare that Monday nights (because you work weekends) is your chance to escape. Now you're pregnant. Sure you can keep the baby, but that's like going for it on 4th and 6 on your own 30 with the game tied and a minute left on the clock. Yeah, there's a chance you could pick up the first down, but in all likely-hood you won't and you and your baby are going to be watching the opposing team kick the winning field goal and you walk off the field in despair. Yes, I know you should have never run the double reverse on 1st and 2nd downs fooling no one. Sure, maybe you should have passed on 3rd and 10 instead of running it between the tackles. But why compound the situation by going for it on your own 30? This horrible decision could ruin the rest of your season. As you despair and lose confidence in yourself. Punt and live to drink and use a condom another day.

Friday, February 05, 2010

As a Woman I have an Obligation

So it's that time of the year that many women dread. It's time for my annual gynocological exam. My mother told me "You better go shave for before your appointment." To which I responded, "I don't shave for my boyfriend why should I shave for the doctor? I'm paying her." This year I think the hair on my legs is the least of the problems I face for this year's appoinmtment. The real problem will be when she asks, "What form of contraception are you using?"

In years past I had a sexually, responsible answer, "Anger. Well, more like an Anger/Abstinence program." It's not a moral conviction I would just let my personality act as a enviromentally friendly chastity belt. Some years I would have had sex a couple of times and I'd proudly answer, "condoms." But this year the truth is a mix of "1 part condoms 4 parts withdrawl." I don't want to have to admit that to the doctor. I'm from the generation of sex education from 5th grade on. The doctor is going to look at me with judgement and disapproval even though the NY Times had an article about the effectiveness of the withdrawl method 6 months ago.

Hmm. Maybe I should wax and hope the glean off my hairless flesh distracts her from the ugly truth.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

It Ain't Easy Being VP or Speaker

As I watched the State of the Union address it struck me that no matter the party affiliation the hardest job in politics has to be the Vice President or House Speaker during a televised state of the Union address. There you are the camera right on you for an hour straight. You can't fall asleep. You have to look interested but not so interested that the secret service mistakes you for a threat. And most importantly you can't pick at your face. That last one would be the hardest for me. If I was VP no one would be talking about the speech the headlines would read, "Did VP Parenta ever get the hair out of her chin?" "What exactly is in Parenta's hair that she feels the need to scratch it for an hour straight?" "The nation finds satisfaction in VP's popped zit."

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

How Can You Say No?

It seems the US military still doesn't want gays joining up. Really, guys? That's kind of like a lady with a hare-lip and a nasty temper saying she won't date a guy who is unemployed, or closetedly gay. Who is she to say no? And you US military you're asking people to rough it thousands of miles away for little pay so they can be shot at. Who are you to say no to anyone who wants to volunteer for that. It's not like there's a draft anymore. If the draft was reinstated, I gaurantee more Americans would be gay than ever before.