Thursday, February 26, 2009

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Lexicon Has Changed at Lenox Street

This just in the new euphemism for African American is “Elegant.” Thanks to Sean Penn's acceptance speech last night millions of white liberals will be calling their black co-workers elegant. In Mr. Penn's thank you speech he said, “I'm proud to live in a country where we've voted an elegant man president.”

In other news I learned last night that my new apartment is not in the up and coming neighborhood of Prospect Lefferts Gardens but located in the more "Elegant" neighborhood of Flatbush. This neighborhood wasn't always elegant. Turns out my 91 year old grandmother lived here in her youth. But back then the neighborhood was much more “hollywood” or what white liberals of the time (all two of them) called them graceful.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Best and the Brightest Take a Powder

Let's talk about the bailout one more time.

Obama said this week that there will be a limit of $500,000 for compensation to top executives at certain financial institutions. Critics are horrified. They don't believe government should be able to tell people how much they can make, nor should goverment be running businesses. I agree. The US government is pretty bad at business. And in a capitalistic society you can't put caps on people's salaries. However, this is different. Obama isn't telling Warner Brother's executives how much they can make. Because Warner Brothers hasn't taken a huge amount of money from the Federal Government to save it's movie studio.

Let me put it this way. If you lose all your money due to your own gross negligence and the only person who is willing to lend you money so that you don't become homeless is your down syndrome afflicted cousin. Well, then, guess what? You're going to be taking all types of advice from your cousin. No more spending money on cocaine and hookers. No more gambling or buying fast cars. It's time you spent money on striped shirts and candy.

Other critics say that if we limit pay to these bank executives and what not, they won't be able to entice the best and brightest to work for them. The best and brightest had been working for them for years and look at where that has gotten us. I think maybe it's time we let the D students run things for a while. D students are so competive. They're not looking to burn the midnight oil to best their collegues at all costs. D students spend time figuring out how to get away with napping at work. D students would never cook up crazy derivatives based off sub prime mortgages because D students can't do percentages.

Let the best and the brightest flip hamburgers for awhile. That's a fast paced industry.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Throw Yourself an Emotionally Manipulative Party in 13 Easy Steps

Sometimes friendships don't workout. It's sad but true. Today I have given you steps in which to channel your new found time now that you are down a friend and don't have social obligations for him/her. Also this is a great way to avenge your hurt feelings.

1. Befriend your friend”s friends while you are still friends with your friends. You never know which friends will soon be ex friends so befriends with all the friends of friends you can. Trust me you'll need them as pawns in your emotionally manipulating schemes. or at least as companions when you decide your friends are no longer your friends.

    2. Find a place to live suited for hosting social events and parties.

  1. join social networking group and befriend your friends before your friends become your ex friends.

  2. Be irreparably hurt by a friend or friends so that you no longer can be friends with him/her/them.

  3. The Melissa Manchester Step: “Don't Cry Out Loud Just Keep it Inside Learn how to hide your feelings” Don't tell your former friends that you are now former friends. Seethe with anger and hurt on the inside and pretend nothing is wrong.

  4. Befriend former friend virtually on a social networking site you both belong to. **Warning do not yet leave any passive aggressive comments on former friend's wall, you still can't let on**

  5. Sign a lease for the apartment you found that is suitable for parties and the like.

  6. Make acquaintances with as many people as you can.

  7. Throw yourself a house warming party/Gentrification Party

  8. Invite your current friends, and your former friend's friends and your new found acquaintances to said party, but do not invite the former friend. The ex friend's friends who know you because of former friend will ask former friend if they are attending the house warming party. Ex friend will respond with bewilderment as they have not heard of this house warming party. hell they haven't heard that you moved.

  9. Take lots of pictures of your fabulous party.

  10. Make sure to take lots of pictures of you and your former friend's friends as well as people your friend has never met before—those new acquaintances

  11. Post pictures on your social networking site's profile.

  12. Then visualize how hurt and left out your former friend feels and say to them in your imagination, “How does it feel to not be invited or thought of? Suck it!”

If your friend is not on a social networking site, nor do they have any other friends than you, anonymously send all your pictures of your fabulous house warming party to their residence. When he/she or them email you (because god knows they won't call, I bet they won't even give out their cell phone number. And you're their only friend. I guess you know why now. Trying making friends with those kind of social skills) to question you if you sent random pictures of you partying with strangers in a strange apartment. Do not answer email. Ignore the email at all costs. They probably won't email you at all. and it's that kind of behavior that forced you to remove them from your sacred circle of friendship in the first place.