Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Religious Beliefs Hiding out in the Empty Closet

For all you Atheists out there let me give you some advice. Don't go telling people you're an atheist. It's all very simple. If you tell people you're an atheist and then random fate forbid something bad happens to a person you know (examples, cancer, car crash, death of a spouse etc.) what do you say to them. Non-atheist (including the non-committal spiritualists and Universal Unitarians) can say my thoughts and prayers are with you. What are you going to say my thoughts are with you? What are you some sort of obsessed stalker? That's not comforting. Or is that your thoughts have magical powers? So you don't believe in god but you believe in super powers. No way. It's not going to fly. You could try saying "I know everything is going to work out for the best." How do you know? Is god talking to you? If god is, you sure aren't listening.

No man if you just keep your mouth shut about the idea of god making absolutely no sense, then you get to say, "My thoughts and prayers are with you." Not only does it seem caring and solemn. It also seems like you're taking action on behalf the injured. Otherwise you spend your day baking brownies and making gift baskets, which will be resented because of the high calorie count. And while your diligently baking and curling ribbons those Deists are done and putting extra time in the office kissing way more of the boss's ass and making that promotion happen for themselves.

It really is just better to lie and say the polite socially acceptable thing. It's not like some god is going to smote you for lying.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Why Do We Have To Do this Crap?

I was thinking why doesn't ExxonMobile, Sunnaco, BP, and Shell form their own allied coalition and bomb Libya and Iraq themselves? With their revenues I'm sure they could afford a handful of fighter jets. They can hire hire their own soldiers. The use of the American military as a middle man really isn't very efficient. All the money wasted on lobbyists to garner support for these military operations is just one example. Then you have to deal with all the care that America tries to take to avoid civilian causalities. Dude oil companies just have stock holders to answer to. They don't have bleeding heart cry baby humanitarians in their constituency. Hell they don't even have a constituency. Further, the American Soldier costs a lot of money. Why pay high first world wages when you can get cheap Chinese , Bangladeshi, and or Vietnamese labor to fight your war? This way you can have all the gay or straight soldiers you want. As many women as you want in your army and even children. The usefulness of children has really been lost to history and the early industrial revolution. And you don't have to worry about those guys unionizing. Could you imagine unionized mercenaries? I have to admit that would be kind of cool.

This corporate war works out for those Americans who aren't interested in paying for these wars. All you have to do is not drive car. Just ride a bike or skate everywhere. That's got be a great trip rollerskating across America. It will probably take you a few days, but coasting up and down the Grand Tetons has got to be a ride of a life time.

Monday, March 28, 2011

A different Definition

My boyfriend says he has ADD I think he's just a Gemini.

I was talking to my aunt the other day and she was talking about her tendencies to impulsively shop. Her in ability to throw out things she never uses, and I noticed she wasn't much for listening to other people complete their thoughts while she is engaged in conversation with them. I was like wow, my boyfriend has these traits, could my aunt have ADD? Then I remembered my aunt is a home owner her ran her own business for forty years she can't possibly have attention deficit disorder. That's when I remembered my boyfriend and my aunt had birthdays in the same week. These must be traits of Geminis. Case solved.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Spec Commercial

In these hard economic times I'm thinking of changing professions. I thought maybe I could venture into the world of Advertising. I present to you my faithful readers my spec ad campaign, well not a campaign just a commercial, and not really spec this is just the idea, I'm not going out and shooting this thing. Don't let my lack of work ethic on this project dissuade from my committment to a career in advertising.

The product: Desenex

Use: Cures Athlete's foot and Jock Itch

The commercial will be a jingle type of commercial as well as a song parody. The music will be from "Venus" the song made popular for my generation by Bananarama. For those not familiar with the song I have included the music video at the end of this post.

Opening shot a man at the beach swimming in the ocean.

The ladies sing,
"You went swimming in the ocean all day/ Your trunks never dried don't dismay"

Cut to the Ladies dancing with their backs to us but their heads turned to the camera as they sing,
"We've got it, ooo baby we've got it."

Then crotch shot of a man

"I'm your penis/ I'm on fire/cure from this mire"

The ladies spin round and we see they are holding canisters of Desenex.

The pitch man's voice speaks over the scene,
"Desenex extinquishes penis fires." (that aren't viral or bacterial...just fungal)

Monday, March 14, 2011

Abbra Ca Dabbra: Magic.

I'm a lost soul wandering the earth, mostly from room to room in my apartment (that is the cheapest way to wander and of course it exposes you to a minimal amount weather.) I thought it was time to find some direction. Perhaps, out of my door onto the streets, maybe even a place where people would pay me money.

But I found I couldn't leave. From my research, which encompassed watching TV and listening to the radio, I learned things are crazy out there. All you have to do to succeed is keep telling yourself you'll be successful. All you have to do to get an enemy shot is just use words that evoke violent images. The whole time you're saying things to change the environment you won't be paying attention and you'll get hit by a bus. If you're knocked unconscious or knocked dead you won't be able to say anything to change your predicament. You'd have to hope a doctor knew enough to state that you'll recover.

No no no. Having direction is very dangerous.