Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Please Provide 3 References.

This past week sitting Governor of NJ Chris Christie applied for the job of radio, sports, talk-show host on NYC’s radio station WFAN, a CBS radio station.  What I found odd is that WFAN did not call Chris Christie’s current employer, the people of NJ, for a reference.  I assume that when the WFAN hires a secretary they check her references[1].  What if a Christine Christie were applying for an admin job at The Fan what would her employer’s reference sound like? Perhaps something like this...

Current Employer: Hello, executive at office building of cubes speaking.

WFAN:  Oh. Sorry, I was expecting your assistant to answer.

CE:  She not here.  Again.

WFAN:  Well, you’re whom I want to talk to anyway.  I believe you know Ms. Christie is looking for new employment.  I was wondering if you could answer a few questions about her tenure working for you.

CE:  Yeah, sure. Why not.

WFAN:  Great. Thanks. So we have her down as working for you, for what will be 8 years in January?

CE:  Hmm. Not exactly.

WFAN:  Can you expand on that?

CE:  Well, she’s collected a pay check for 8 years but she frequently didn’t show up to work for months at a time.  At one point, she was gone for nearly a year trying to land a job with some D.C. outfit.  Normally that would have been terms of dismissal but her contract was iron clad.

WFAN:  Well, when she was present how would you describe her work style?

CE:  Menacing.

WFAN:  Interesting. Was that effective?

CE:  For the bottom line and efficiency? No. For getting her way? Sometimes.

WFAN:  Can you give me an example of when it was effective?

CE: Yeah. Sure. Despite wanting to work down in DC and never being here she really wanted to be fire warden of our floor. However, Mark in accounting said he’d do it.  His department wouldn’t back for fire warden so she had the interns shut down the elevator. It was a nightmare.  The stairwells were clogged. UPS couldn’t get onto our floor to deliver packages, it’s not like they’re going to walk up 8 flights of stairs carrying a bunch of boxes.  The interns wound up not getting college credit, but she did get to be fire warden. Sort of.   I mean. Mark really does it, cause she’s not here most days

WFAN:  Great. Can you tell me any other times she’s shown initiative?

CE:  That I can say for her, she doesn’t lack initiative.  There was the time she revamped our 50/50 raffle. We use it to fund a scholarship program. A consultant company sent her flowers and a “Hang in there” cat poster. Next thing you know she hired them to manager or 50/50. Which they turned into a 60/40. Then there was the time, she went above everyone’s head and just made cut a deal with Exxon. 

WFAN:  Exxon? Do you think they’re looking to advertise on the radio?  Maybe she has connections with them.

CE:  I don’t know, man. I mean we thought she did it so she could get a job with them after her contract was up with us, but she’s trying to work at your radio station, so there goes that theory.  But I’ll tell you one thing. Legal was pissed. They’d been working on that deal for over a decade and she comes along hijacks the CEO’s email account to pretend she was her, and gives them a 90% off of what we had bargained for and were days away from collecting.

WFAN:  A real self-starter.

CE: I guess you could say that.

WFAN:  How would you say she got along with her co-workers.

CE:  I feel like you’re not listening.

WFAN:  That really isn’t sports radio’s strength.

CE:  Christine got in a stand-off with Gail from operations. Gail didn’t want to go down to the 3rd floor and hijack Horizon’s Keurig Coffee capsules, so Christine took the checks I signed to pay our vendors and instead of delivering them to Gail’s office hid them. The electricity got shut off. So facilities warned people to stay away from the breakroom and fridge until our bill was paid and electricity was restored. Well, Christine was the only one who didn’t listen. Then she opened the fridge, letting all the cold air out and proceeded to eat everyone else’s food. She said she was saving us from an inevitable mold problem.  I had to tell her she was super pretty and Horizon agreed to give her on Keurig capsule to take home and then she gave me the checks.

WFAN:  What flavor was the Keurig?

CE:  Green tea.  Are we almost done?  I have a lot of work to get done because I literally have no help here.  And I don’t know about the new girl we’re getting she has no experience whatsoever, a weird smile.  But I have to take her because she bought middle management a ton of gifts.

WFAN:  Yeah, we’re done. Thanks for your time. And go Giants!

CE: Oh yeah, and she’s a Cowboy fan! Not Jets not Eagles, not anti-football.

WFAN:  Being a Cowboys fan is like being anti-football.

[1] Yes, I know there are male secretaries and that job is now called an administrative assistant or executive assistant, but trust me it’ll be more fun this way.
2. I obligatory of NJ
3. I was too lazy to go open Photoshop on my husbands MAC, so I used old school paint brush and not well.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Brer Rabbit or the Republican Party?

My theory is that the Republicans are Brer Rabbiting Democrats and liberals.  For those who don't know who Brer Rabbit is, he's the bunny that invented reverse psychology and got sent to his room to play Xbox all day as punishment for stealing Monsanto seeds from a corporate farmer.  And now it looks like Brer is a major strategist for the Republican party.  

Democrats pass Republican, imperfect, corporate -welfare healthcare plan. Republican carry-on for years how much they hate it, "How could make us pass our own healthcare plan. Oh we hate it so much. It's the absolute worst. I rather be thrown into a brier patch."

Next, they double down on their coy act and try to pass a healthcare plan that is ten times worse then the original one they constructed and got passed.  Which has the rest of the country who really wants single payer but would settle for some fixes on the ACA just begging any politician they can get an email address for to please let us keep the bone you threw us. 

Next, we have FBI director James Comey.  Democrats hate him. Loathe the man, until the President fires Comey so the President can cover up a scandal, which really just Republicans screaming, "No really! Please! Please! Don't throw me into that brier patch" . Now, rumor has it he might be replaced by Chris Christie the least popular governor in the history of US Governors (and some of those Governors have gone to jail.) Democrats are besides themselves. "No, no, no.  Give us back that guy who might have cost our candidate the election. " 

What do you think is going to happen next? The Energy Secretary is going to come out with a plan that we are now going to burn babies and puppies to power our our grid.  People will respond, "No, not the country's cuties! If you're going to burn anything burn coal! Coal burns perfectly well. Babies are too moist, it's so inefficient. 

EPA let's California farms use every last drop of water in the water table so the population has no choice but to beg them to melt the icebergs faster  because we're so parched. 

The treasury department decides to take the tax revenues to Vegas. So that the only response is fine, more Goldman Sachs guys. 

In a reverse of hip hop philosophy. Don't hate the game hate the players. The game is genius. Evilly genius. 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

The Trending Trendy Trenders Foiled Again by the NY Times

The Internet, World Wide.  Thursday the New York Times caused quite a stir in the open marriage community by running a story in the NY Times Magazine about the living arrangement some people have been making for decades.

"Now everyone is going to be Poly," Decried Kevin Sanders of Manhattan.  "How am I supposed to be different, and interesting now that open marriage has been reviewed by the times?" pouted Leslie Stokes of Berkeley, CA.  "No one is going to gossip about me now that they'll all being doing it too," worried Jose Diaz of Columbus, OH.

This isn't the first thing "ruined" by the New York Times reporting on it. Since it's inception as a paper countless restaurants have gone from quiet and enjoyable for those in the know to utterly mobbed with year long waits for reservations.

After the story ran Hamilton (A Broadway musical) saw its ticket sales dip for the first time since the show opened in February 2015.  Meanwhile Rapid Realty reported that clients no longer seemed interested in specifically renting in Brooklyn. Rather couples looking for apartments seemed more curious what agents were doing after.  While membership in polyamorous meet up groups have soared by 78%.  Smith's bar and grill is having Happy Hour for Open Couples Thursdays.

New York's Mayor DeBlasio made a statement on the new trend, "I think this new open marriage trend could do a lot to ease our city's affordable housing shortage and our male shortage in this city. If wives are willing to share their husbands that might really go a long way in helping single, heterosexual women get some."

It's hard to predict how long this trend will last as trend data is all over the place, but some original open marriagers, like Phyllis Caso, are not bothering to wait out the trend storm, "Forget it. I'm going back to a closed monogamy and just going crab grassatarian."

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

We Are Not Bots, Yet

Yesterday, I was told by a business associate who is a big muckity muck at Viacom, that I needed a LinkedIn profile if I wanted to find a job.  I mention her muckity muck status in hopes that I will be looked on as someone you want to associate with because I know successful people. Successful people working for companies you have heard of.  She told me what HR people had told her, “First, thing we do is check to see if you have a LinkedIn profile to make sure you’re not a bot.”  I responded to this information with a question, “Why are bots applying for jobs? What’s the angle?”  Though associate is brilliant and has a master’s degree, she was stumped for an answer. 
I slept on the question. I woke up this morning and set-up a LinkedIn profile. That’s when it occurred to me - LinkedIn must be the ones using bots to apply to jobs, thereby making their product useful.  I must admit I have a similar theory about Norton Anti-Virus and their relation to the creation of computer viruses. Sure, it’s the information age, but somehow it still feels like the 1920s Little Italy and a protection racket.   Honestly, people were able to network and find jobs without LinkedIn for all of human history.  Unlike, other technological advances (the wheel, stone tools, electricity,
computers in general, etc.) social media in all its iterations has not made socializing and networking easier. In fact, it has muddied it.  Networking used to be designated to after work drinks, conferences, and conventions, now you do it in your cube (or open office space) while you are being paid to work.  The other social media platforms have helped water down the word friend. It used to mean a person you know and could count and who could count on you. If it turned out you couldn’t count on them, you’d be mad and hurt and possibly stop talking to them. Now, a friend is a digital prop people use to help brand themselves.
But social media not adding to the productivity or workers is not the real problem. The problem is that we are declaring we are not bots. Which in 2017 is fine and supposedly helpful. But what happens when Artificial Intelligence comes into its own?  When AI is running the HR department?  Then won’t I want to possibly pretend I am in fact a bot? Curry favor with our computer overlords? Or at minimum keep the AI guessing if I am a human or one them. 

Perhaps, we all be part bot in 20 years, with a memory drive attached to our brain stem.  We might all be a sleeker more stylish version of Robot Cop. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m a little uncomfortable about branding myself a human and not a bot. Because we all know what we put on the internet never dies, and the future is unknowable. Committing now to human might be beneficial in the short term, but could be disastrous in the long term.