Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Feminism Didn't Think of Everything: Let Her Sit Down.

     I know I know I know. All people are beautiful. Hollywood and Madison Avenue's definitions aren't going to limit our definition of beauty. 

     Yielding to that point to all y'all. I maintain that most people don't want to be called fat or overweight or obese or gerthful. And you know what?  I am guessing despite us knowing that we are all beautiful inside and out no matter our appearance we wouldn't go up to someone and say, "Hey fatty, how is it going?" Unless of course fatty was the person's name (I'm sure it's Gaelic somehow.)  or some ironic nickname. 

     My point? Offer up your seat when you see a woman standing up on the subway or, if you live in a non-mass transit area,  any place where seating is limited.  We must go back to this antiquated custom  of giving up our seat to a lady if we want to avoid having to make judgement calls about who is fat and who is pregnant. What we do know is that a man is just fat he is not possibly pregnant--Science hasn't come that far yet, and if does I doubt men will ever take Science up on the offer. 

     Now, if you have a retail job, or bartending gig, or a job as a security guard at a museum wear your uniform when you're riding mass transit.   Donning your work clothes will let us all know you stand for a living and the rest of us will give you a pass for not giving up your seat for a lady. 

      So if you don't want to open a door or pull out a chair or walk on the street side of the sidewalk (or is it the building side?) if you don't want to pick up the check for dinner, if you don't want to let the ladies into the life-raft of a sinking ship first, or help her with her coat. Fine. But get your ass up because she might be pregnant.  Yes, even that 80 year old looking lady because science has come that far, and you don't know, she could just be a 40 year old with bad posture who refuses to dye her hair.

     Let's spare people's feelings and pretend everyone is with child. Can I get an Amen?

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Sports Ball every Tuesday

This Week Aaron, David and I talk sports like we do every Tuesday.  This is football heavy.  It's an hour long.

Monday, November 18, 2013

An Empty Mind Can't Empty Itself

     My idea for my return to the quaint old custom of blogging was to type each day about the wedding until the day of my wedding. Then I realized I wasn't that interested in my own wedding, so why would you be. I understand limiting the blog to an easily identifiable subject matter is how things are done. I believe we call it branding. However, if I was any good at branding I would be much further ahead financially. Instead of joining the world I can't beat I'm just going to continue to do my own thing in the corner like that spazzy kid at day camp.

     A somewhat popular life is to give up attachment to people, places, things, goals, wants (you know nouns). The idea is that if you don't care about the outcome or if you don't have wants you'll lessen your psychic suffering. OK.  Sure. I get it.  If I just go about my day not concerning myself with the outcome that seems like a way to avoid disappointment, jealousy, and self-criticism.  But, isn't the changing who you are a goal? And isn't having a goal an attachment?  Can't person fall into all the same pitfalls while trying to avoid the pitfalls?

     There I'd be looking around freaking out. I can't believe I still give a shit about achieving and attaining things.  When will I ever master this non-attachment philosophy? Look at Shelly.  She totally doesn't give a shit about anything. But really that's only because she already achieved her goals and her kids are grown. She can look all smug and self-satisfied, but I know the truth she was born with 10 times the advantages to not being attached. 

     I know when I'm finally free of my wants and desires then I'll be happy.  I can't wait to live in the present. My future will be so awesome when I'm living in the present not like all my years before where I was looking back and hoping for a better day.

      Oh wait. No. I'm doing it again. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I can't think like that. Oh shit. Now I'm not self-accepting. Ugh. I'm not self-accepting that I don't self-accept. So now do I just accept how I want to change? Or is the wanting to change the problem? But if I don't change then I'll still want a comedy career and a new filing cabinet.  My mind is a filing cabinet and once I take out all the files then life will begin a new.  So I just have to empty my mind. First I need to let go of wanting a mind.

     Man, I think I just save for a trip to New Zealand.

Friday, November 15, 2013

We're Back and Getting Married.

                Well it's time to start up the old blog again.  It's been awhile since I posted. Since that last time I've posted I've lost all my readership. Can't blame them this isn't Catch-22 I don't expect people to reread these gems day in and day out. With no new content why bother?  Oh sure there are always new typos to spot in the old the stuff, but I get it you're all gone.  Then if you're not there who is you? It's getting to be like a time travel movie only lonelier.   

                Since last time I wrote Twitter has become all the rage and I'm not sure people read blogs anymore.  It seems people want to ingest other's narcissism and self-involvement in 140 characters or less.    Less nuanced self-involvement doesn't seem better, though.  You'd think it would and yet without the room to explain yourself you can't let others know you've haven't lost  perspective.  It just makes us all seem spiritually more gross.  I couldn't imagine the king of the entertaining narcissists, Spalding Grey, being as engaging in a 140 characters.  What am I saying? That I am now on Twitter because Elon Jame White made me.  He fake employs me as a real co-host for  This Week in Blackness's  sports show "Sports Ball."   My best friend Anna is also on Twitter. She had to be she was running for President last election cycle. She'll be running again in 2016.  My boyfriend Jack does not have a twitter account he has to stay off the grid now and then.

                And with all of you gone. I restart as I began,  typing from a cubicle into the ether to see if someone is interested.  At least my law suit is settled.

                I'm engaged to be married. No, unfortunately, not to Jack. Someone who is away that often  isn't great husband material. Husbands are good for reaching things that are placed up high and if the husband isn't there to reach the high things, well, then what's the point?   So it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, I'm marrying a tall man. 

               Sorry did I type "Husband?" I should type "Spouse."  For short men should get themselves a tall wife.  Two tall people really shouldn't marry one another, it just isn't fair to the rest of us. Sadly, they do anyway.  Two short people should definitely not marry one another unless they are acrobatic and are comfortable standing on one another's shoulders. 

                Anti-marriage people will tell you that you don't need a spouse you can just get a step-stool.  This is only sort of true. Having been short my whole life I've owned a step stool and they aren't always high enough. Of course the anti-marriage people will argue that you can just get a ladder. I say you never took a Theater lighting class in college. For if you did you would know that safety calls for a second person to be holding the ladder (yes, even an A framed one) while you scurry up.  If you're going to need the second person anyway, why not marry a tall person to split living expenses and use your ladder-storing space to store winter sweaters or coats?

                The anti-marriage people are usually ant-wedding people.  Me, I'm more anti-wedding industry. The wedding people are the party version of the funeral people.  They see you coming and they want to empty your pockets.  I called a venue  and told them I was interested in a Karate Banquet (yes those exist, I went to at least 6 of them.1) on a Saturday night. My mother called the same place and wanted a wedding on a Saturday . Guess which event was more expensive by like 30%?  So I get being anti that bullshit.  

                However, ant-wedding people seem to be upset that a marrying couple get to make a big show of their commitment, get special day and special party all for the no big deal of getting married.  Meanwhile, anti-marriage/wedding people get no such party or fanfare because they choose to remain single.  But I say, "Oh no no no  no no." A wedding isn't your special day. That is what birthdays are for. Your birthday is your special day and everyone gets those. That's when you invite your friends out to bowl or roller-skate and make it all about you.   And when your birthday ends in a zero like 30, 40, 50, 100. You get to have a really big party at a venue with an open bar, or a cash bar.  What's even better is that someone else might surprise you with it, meaning you don't have to be bothered with any of the tedious planning. ANDDDDD, you don't have to pay wedding prices to celebrate.

                Meanwhile, a wedding is all about everyone else.  If it were up to me my wedding would be a bowling, roller-skating, beach wedding. But then my mother would have a heart attack, which would mean no wedding at all-it's in bad taste to have a wedding when your mom just died. And, who would have the time? What? With all the mourning and handing over our bank accounts to the funeral parlor. You don't get gifts for a funeral. You get flowers which you can't sell to offset the cost of the funeral.So no, the wedding has to be somewhere my mother's heart can stand.  Also,  most of the elderly relatives wouldn't be able to participate in the bowling/skating,/beach fun. So no fun for anyone. We will sit and eat dinner and then dance badly. 

                Then all of a sudden your father decides he has to invite his whole platoon from Korea.  Despite you not having met these men ever, despite my father not having seen these men in decades, and despite they were in Korea during the Vietnam War, so they're not so much a band of brothers as they are a band of second cousins and distant acquaintances.  And they must be invited otherwise my father's feelings will be hurt.  Which is crazy because dad's feelings have been hiding in his Korean barracks for 40 years. (Note I did not say foxhole because it wasn't really needed at the time.) Which means now you can't have a smaller wedding at a cute restored carriage house, you have to have a bigger wedding at a place with less character.

                The list goes on and on, like not being able to afford a summer or fall wedding so we have to have it in the winter, which means we now need to become pagans so we can pray to the appropriate gods who deal in snow and blizzards. The popular gods of today are useless in weather as they deal in everyday suffering and Cancer. Of course our winter wedding has to be after the Superbowl if we don't want half the wedding hiding out in the bathroom watching playoff games on their phones when they should be dancing and pretending to enjoy it. 

                "So why do it?" Anti-wedding people ask.  Because I really want a standing mixer. And because weddings and funerals are the rare times that people stop with the rat race, take a breath (a possibly resentful one) and make time to see each other.  And so I take their needs into consideration, which is something I don't do for my birthday because everyone is too busy to come to that.