An Empty Mind Can't Empty Itself

     My idea for my return to the quaint old custom of blogging was to type each day about the wedding until the day of my wedding. Then I realized I wasn't that interested in my own wedding, so why would you be. I understand limiting the blog to an easily identifiable subject matter is how things are done. I believe we call it branding. However, if I was any good at branding I would be much further ahead financially. Instead of joining the world I can't beat I'm just going to continue to do my own thing in the corner like that spazzy kid at day camp.

     A somewhat popular life is to give up attachment to people, places, things, goals, wants (you know nouns). The idea is that if you don't care about the outcome or if you don't have wants you'll lessen your psychic suffering. OK.  Sure. I get it.  If I just go about my day not concerning myself with the outcome that seems like a way to avoid disappointment, jealousy, and self-criticism.  But, isn't the changing who you are a goal? And isn't having a goal an attachment?  Can't person fall into all the same pitfalls while trying to avoid the pitfalls?

     There I'd be looking around freaking out. I can't believe I still give a shit about achieving and attaining things.  When will I ever master this non-attachment philosophy? Look at Shelly.  She totally doesn't give a shit about anything. But really that's only because she already achieved her goals and her kids are grown. She can look all smug and self-satisfied, but I know the truth she was born with 10 times the advantages to not being attached. 

     I know when I'm finally free of my wants and desires then I'll be happy.  I can't wait to live in the present. My future will be so awesome when I'm living in the present not like all my years before where I was looking back and hoping for a better day.

      Oh wait. No. I'm doing it again. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I can't think like that. Oh shit. Now I'm not self-accepting. Ugh. I'm not self-accepting that I don't self-accept. So now do I just accept how I want to change? Or is the wanting to change the problem? But if I don't change then I'll still want a comedy career and a new filing cabinet.  My mind is a filing cabinet and once I take out all the files then life will begin a new.  So I just have to empty my mind. First I need to let go of wanting a mind.

     Man, I think I just save for a trip to New Zealand.