Friday, November 15, 2013

We're Back and Getting Married.


                Well it's time to start up the old blog again.  It's been awhile since I posted. Since that last time I've posted I've lost all my readership. Can't blame them this isn't Catch-22 I don't expect people to reread these gems day in and day out. With no new content why bother?  Oh sure there are always new typos to spot in the old the stuff, but I get it you're all gone.  Then if you're not there who is you? It's getting to be like a time travel movie only lonelier.   

                Since last time I wrote Twitter has become all the rage and I'm not sure people read blogs anymore.  It seems people want to ingest other's narcissism and self-involvement in 140 characters or less.    Less nuanced self-involvement doesn't seem better, though.  You'd think it would and yet without the room to explain yourself you can't let others know you've haven't lost  perspective.  It just makes us all seem spiritually more gross.  I couldn't imagine the king of the entertaining narcissists, Spalding Grey, being as engaging in a 140 characters.  What am I saying? That I am now on Twitter because Elon Jame White made me.  He fake employs me as a real co-host for  This Week in Blackness's  sports show "Sports Ball."   My best friend Anna is also on Twitter. She had to be she was running for President last election cycle. She'll be running again in 2016.  My boyfriend Jack does not have a twitter account he has to stay off the grid now and then.

                And with all of you gone. I restart as I began,  typing from a cubicle into the ether to see if someone is interested.  At least my law suit is settled.


                I'm engaged to be married. No, unfortunately, not to Jack. Someone who is away that often  isn't great husband material. Husbands are good for reaching things that are placed up high and if the husband isn't there to reach the high things, well, then what's the point?   So it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway, I'm marrying a tall man. 

               Sorry did I type "Husband?" I should type "Spouse."  For short men should get themselves a tall wife.  Two tall people really shouldn't marry one another, it just isn't fair to the rest of us. Sadly, they do anyway.  Two short people should definitely not marry one another unless they are acrobatic and are comfortable standing on one another's shoulders. 

                Anti-marriage people will tell you that you don't need a spouse you can just get a step-stool.  This is only sort of true. Having been short my whole life I've owned a step stool and they aren't always high enough. Of course the anti-marriage people will argue that you can just get a ladder. I say you never took a Theater lighting class in college. For if you did you would know that safety calls for a second person to be holding the ladder (yes, even an A framed one) while you scurry up.  If you're going to need the second person anyway, why not marry a tall person to split living expenses and use your ladder-storing space to store winter sweaters or coats?

                The anti-marriage people are usually ant-wedding people.  Me, I'm more anti-wedding industry. The wedding people are the party version of the funeral people.  They see you coming and they want to empty your pockets.  I called a venue  and told them I was interested in a Karate Banquet (yes those exist, I went to at least 6 of them.1) on a Saturday night. My mother called the same place and wanted a wedding on a Saturday . Guess which event was more expensive by like 30%?  So I get being anti that bullshit.  

                However, ant-wedding people seem to be upset that a marrying couple get to make a big show of their commitment, get special day and special party all for the no big deal of getting married.  Meanwhile, anti-marriage/wedding people get no such party or fanfare because they choose to remain single.  But I say, "Oh no no no  no no." A wedding isn't your special day. That is what birthdays are for. Your birthday is your special day and everyone gets those. That's when you invite your friends out to bowl or roller-skate and make it all about you.   And when your birthday ends in a zero like 30, 40, 50, 100. You get to have a really big party at a venue with an open bar, or a cash bar.  What's even better is that someone else might surprise you with it, meaning you don't have to be bothered with any of the tedious planning. ANDDDDD, you don't have to pay wedding prices to celebrate.

                Meanwhile, a wedding is all about everyone else.  If it were up to me my wedding would be a bowling, roller-skating, beach wedding. But then my mother would have a heart attack, which would mean no wedding at all-it's in bad taste to have a wedding when your mom just died. And, who would have the time? What? With all the mourning and handing over our bank accounts to the funeral parlor. You don't get gifts for a funeral. You get flowers which you can't sell to offset the cost of the funeral.So no, the wedding has to be somewhere my mother's heart can stand.  Also,  most of the elderly relatives wouldn't be able to participate in the bowling/skating,/beach fun. So no fun for anyone. We will sit and eat dinner and then dance badly. 

                Then all of a sudden your father decides he has to invite his whole platoon from Korea.  Despite you not having met these men ever, despite my father not having seen these men in decades, and despite they were in Korea during the Vietnam War, so they're not so much a band of brothers as they are a band of second cousins and distant acquaintances.  And they must be invited otherwise my father's feelings will be hurt.  Which is crazy because dad's feelings have been hiding in his Korean barracks for 40 years. (Note I did not say foxhole because it wasn't really needed at the time.) Which means now you can't have a smaller wedding at a cute restored carriage house, you have to have a bigger wedding at a place with less character.

                The list goes on and on, like not being able to afford a summer or fall wedding so we have to have it in the winter, which means we now need to become pagans so we can pray to the appropriate gods who deal in snow and blizzards. The popular gods of today are useless in weather as they deal in everyday suffering and Cancer. Of course our winter wedding has to be after the Superbowl if we don't want half the wedding hiding out in the bathroom watching playoff games on their phones when they should be dancing and pretending to enjoy it. 

                "So why do it?" Anti-wedding people ask.  Because I really want a standing mixer. And because weddings and funerals are the rare times that people stop with the rat race, take a breath (a possibly resentful one) and make time to see each other.  And so I take their needs into consideration, which is something I don't do for my birthday because everyone is too busy to come to that.  

3 comments:

The Doyle said...

Being a tall person, I can say there are drawbacks to being married to a tall person. For example my clothes took up much more room in the washer at the laundromat resulting in higher laundry costs. I think this additional economic strain led to my divorce and not the fact that I'm kind of boring.

Raquel D'Apice said...

Excited to meet the platoon from korea.

rachael said...

The Doyle, sorry to hear about the divorce. You'll get'em next time.

Raquel, me too.