What The Natural History Museum Missed

In New York City everything is a competition. Nothing fun can be had without sacrifice. Last Thursday looked like a lost day. I had arrived at Central Park to wait for "free" Shakespeare in the Park tickets at 9:30am. The Public Theater releases the tickets at 1pm. By 9:30 in the morning the line for tickets was at capacity. I woke up at 7:40am on my day off for nothing. According to the Public Theater Line monitor the line was basically full up by 7:00am. For free tickets to a show by a playwright most Americans loathed to read in high school.

What to do with my day? A smart person would have gone home and worked on her many artistic/career projects. As proved by my Shakespeare in the Park experience just minutes earlier, NYC is one competitive place and if I want to succeed I better get to work. But if we learned anything about me from the Shakespeare in the Park experience I lack a real competitive drive. So my friends and I went to the Museum of Natural History and took in the "EXTREME MAMMALS" exhibit. I saw a toe fossil from a four legged mastodon/elephant type creature that was as big as half my body. I saw a land walking whale. I saw the shell of the giant predecessor of the armadillo. The shell was big enough for small children to crawl through. CRAZY! EXTREME.

I learned that one of the most extreme mammals was the homo-sapien, aka the human. We are one of the only mammals to walk on two legs without hopping and we have a huge brain relative to our body size. But the museum missed something. We are the only mammals to video tape cats and post the videos on youtube.

I also learned that no matter how hard a species competes it will one day become extinct. In fact sometimes being so good at competing winds up being a species demise. If you hunt all the prey you have nothing to eat. If you get to the Delacorte Theater in Central Park at 3am you'll probably catch a cold.

Women Can Stand Around Too

I think it's time we liberated baseball. It's not like football where the size differential between the genders matters. All one has to do to play baseball is have the ability to stand on dirt or grass. A person doesn't need any kind of super human strength to throw a baseball across the field. All it takes is good reflexes to hit a base ball with a bat. Granted, home run hitters are somewhat strong relative regular people and so perhaps women wouldn't be league leading home run hitters, but most men aren't either.

All I'm saying is that women stand around as well as men do and why shouldn't they do it for big bucks?

The Secret Truth About Grandchildren

Here I explain the inexplicable. The age old question of why parents pressure their adult children to have children of their own. In short--The Grandchild question.

It's simple. You, the adult child, will one day be old and decrepit. When that day arrives you'll need someone to look after you. If you've made millions upon millions you can be as baron as the moon. But most people are poorish. And so they need adult children to lean on. Of course the bringing a child into the world does create some emotional attachment. The elderly though, not yet decrepit feel a little guilty about what they are about to put you through in a few years and think you, too should have that safety blanket. A person can't come out and say that. That sounds awful, so, instead, they just say, "Have kids. I want grandkids." Without any real reason to do so. Usually, given as a reason when pressed is, "Children are a joy." We all know that's not true. They're needy and time consuming and make you put your dreams and life on hold. But all that work and sacrifice is in an investment in your future. You're future of not being able to walk or see, or maybe even remember anything.

People may criticize this theory in the fact that the grandchild was something people were pressured to give to the older generation prior to us living until we fell apart. Yes, but back then children were needed for farm labor. Again you can't just come out and say, "You need to birth your own slaves."

In conclusion I leave you with this question that I'll answer. Why do you think gay people are pushing so hard for the legalization of gay marriage? Married people have a better shot at adopting a child. And don't gay people need someone to take care of their decrepit asses too?

Type A Enjoyment

Here in the NYC area it has rained what feels like 75 of the last 28 days of June. That's the thing with grey skies and rain it slows the experience of time so that June has felt as if lasted two months instead of one. Rain is depressing. Constant rain is anyway. But you know what's worse? That one or first sunny day after weeks of rain. There is so much pressure.

That one sunny day can mind fuck you good. Because you don't know if this is the only sunny day for another three weeks of rain or the reign of rain has ended. And with that uncertainty comes a lot of pressure. If this is the only sunny day i better go outside and enjoy it. I have to get to the park. I'll skate or bike. But god I'm so tired. I haven't been sleeping well because of the depression by the rain and I am out of shape because I've been in doors for a month. What if I nap in the park the does that count as enjoying the rays and the outdoors? I have work to do too. This sun has come at the most inopportune time.. Well, I guess I can bring my laptop out to the park. Oh dear, i can't read the screen with the sun glaring. I'll write in my journal. And I'll bring a book to read, Reading always feels productive. God all this crap is heavy. But I have to get out there, this might be my only chance to get a tan all summer.

This lone sunny day is making me feel like a failure. I am failing at being merely outside. I'm not getting all I could get out of it. If only it were raining I could stay inside and watch a movie.

If It's So Dry Where Do They Put The Goo.

Standing in a slow moving line at the grocery store I began to read the label on the back of the, soon to be mine, Pegresso bread canister. To my shock and horror and stupification I read the words, "corn syrup," listed as an ingredient. But they're bread crumbs. They're dry little morsels of bread. There is nothing syrupy about them. How do you get syrup not to be goopy? What is going on with food? How is it the bread crumb industry has surpassed NASA in technological advancements? Pegresso has defied the dry to goo space time food continum. They have broken the gooey barrier. Not only that, but the bread crumbs aren't sweet. They've somehow stripped corn syrup of all it's power. No glop and no sweet. But if corn syrup has no been rendered powerless then...

WHY IS THERE CORN SYRUP IN MY BREAD CRUMBS?!

Leave It to The Markets

So you're having problems with your man. He's not the boyfriend you want him to be. He's become complacent. I think it's time you opened up your relationship to market forces. Right now you have regulated your relationship so that you can go out and date other men. If you deregulate that relationship so that are free to trade love with other men you create competition between your boyfriend and other men. Once he realized there are others wanting the job of boyfriend and he can be fired as boyfriend at anytime watch his performance improve.

Monogamy is very similar to monopoly and when employees have a monopoly on the workforce Industry suffers; just like when you're boyfriend has a monopoly on your affections your relationship suffers. Socialsist will start whining, "But I love him." Fooey. If you really loved him you'd want him to be the best he could be and he's only going to be the best boyfriend if has to compete for the position. Anarchists will bitch, "But I don't want him seeing anyone else." Proving what I've always thought of anarchist they are cowards and have low self-esteem. If you anarchist sissies were all that you wouldn't be scared of a little competition on your side as well.

Remember the best way to deal with life's problems is to let the market and it's forces (similar to that used by Luke Skywalker) create competition. In competition only one person can win and by one person winning we all win.

Two Evils Don't Make a Good

When it comes to traffic and parking violations how should you pay you fines? Should you pay with a credit card? At first glance that seems the best way to get back on the buercrats who towed your car. If you have to pay $200 to get your car back then the tow pound is going to have to pay Citibank a transactional fee to get their $200. It only seems fair. Until you realize that by placing your fine on your credit card you have just provided an evil credit card company with funds, funds that allow them to act as loan sharks for millions of American. Ahhh! What do you do?

Melinda Richards suggests that you put it on your credit card anyway because Citibank didn't tow your car. That's true. And Citibank didn't place confusing park rules signs no where near the part of the block you parked. It's a sad day when our own local govermnent beats a multin-national invest bank/credit card company on who is most evil.

I also think it's funny that credit card companies have ruined millions of lives and investment banks have destroyed our economy and they haven't been given as much as ticket for loitering, in fact they were given billions of dollars, but you accidently park your car in the wrong place at the wrong time, without malice and without trying to screw your neighbor, without greed, you get fined.

God Bless America.