Wednesday, May 11, 2016

HOW STAND UP COMEDY MADE ME ADMIT I HAD THOSE GUYS WERE MY BOYFRIENDS




Anyone who has lived within the cultures where marriages aren't arranged has been there.  You've been on a few dates or you've  been dating for 3 years but you're just not ready to call the man, men, or women you're seeing your boyfriend.   Privately,  I claimed to never have had a boyfriend until I was 30. This wasn't some look how pure I am kind of statement more like, it's been terrible for me out there kind of statement. Of course after I admit to being a late bloomer I quickly insert, "I mean I dated before that. I bunch of guys. I've had sex."  Pity only feels so good for so long and for me it seems 3 seconds is my maximum.

There are many reasons why I didn't want to label some man my boyfriend. First off, the words boyfriend and girlfriend are stupid words that invoke the images of teenagers. This is perhaps because historically people were married by the time they were 15, so courtship was really taking place between boys and girls and not men and women.   But then in 1993 everything changed and people started getting married later in life like when they were actually adults. Some blame Kurt Cobain and Nirvana for a whole generation of Americans delaying their married lives. Maybe it's true, I don't know I didn't bother to do any actual research. I figured if Wikipedia just makes things up anyway, why waste my time "researching" and then citing when I can cut out the middle man and just make it all up myself.  But either way Courtney Love, am I right? 

Secondly, maybe I dated some embarassing type men and I wanted to remain in denial that I chose sports jersey wearing mamma's boy as my boyfriend. "Wow, that harsh. Like you're some catch and someone would want to admit you're his girlfriend." Clearly, I'm not a catch did you not just read the first paragraph where I told you I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 30?  We're are all horrible can we move on, mister sanctimonious voice in my head?

Thirdly, and most likely, commitment and intimacy is terrible and scary especially when I was in my twenties and I thought my life would be amazing.  With a future that looked like it had no limits why limit that future with a ball chain that would keep anchored to the Earth instead of soaring among the clouds?  When I realized that I was not flying with the jets and birds but drowning in toxic sludge I learned that committing grabbing on to a life raft and dragging in down with me. No one wants to die alone.

However, before life's harsh lessons forced me to grow up and use the word boyfriend for real, stand-up comedy made me cop to it a half a decade sooner.  In stand-up messy overly dramatic details just get in the way of the joke.  You can't get up on stage and say my ex-"dude I used to sometimes have sex with and then not talk to and then have sex with again and then maybe go on some dates with, but we were still seeing other people, and those people well some of them I don't know their ages or their last names so who knows what's going on there." had disproportionately small hands.   The audience is now trying to decipher my relationship status that they can't pay attention to my hilarious impression of dating Godzilla.  As you know Godzilla's hands are very tiny in relation to the rest of him. So smallhands became my boyfriend.

Stand-up comedy might be therapeutic but the audience isn't my friend. The audience didn't show up to a bar to have a comedy show appear out of nowhere like a sniper on the Washington Mall  to figure out what the most accurate label for my dysfunctional romantic situations are.  They are two busy trying to figure out  how  a night out to take in a game and get drinks with friends somehow became a night where the TVs are turned off and hoodie clad, anger misfits are screaming at them through a mic to shut the fuck up as they talk about their dicks and vaginas.  

In this atmosphere nuance goes out the window and you all became my boyfriends. Yes, you guy with no pillow, and you the guy I slept with once who I described as having no teeth because describing your actual teeth would have also taken too long. And you who wanted to role play office, and you my greatest loves who I never dated buy stalked for years anyway, you were my truest boyfriends and I think the audiences across America for letting us have that kind of commitment and intimacy even if it was only on stage and in their minds.

Stand-up comedy hasn't given me riches, or respect, or self-worth, but it has given me more boyfriends then I truly ever deserve and for that it's all been worth it, except if you're using worth in a monetary sense then really it hasn't been.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Locker Room Loses Coach

East Rutherford, NJ.

A rare situation has developed in the NFL.  Giants locker room has lost their head coach and possibly the entirety of the couching staff. 

Tom Coughlin was not a the practice facility last Wednesday during practice. Sources at the 5th Down Bar and Grill in Carlstadt, NJ said the 69 year old couch was sidled up to the bar drinking Wild Turkey.  Patrons could hear the couch drunkenly grumbling to the bar tender, "If you're not going to block anyone why should I even bother with a game plan. Spend every hour of my waking life on this team and for what? So I can watch passes hit off shoulder pads. So I can be interrogated 3 times a week by half-wits who's industry is closer to death me."

Despite the couch phoning it in on Friday's walk through, supposedly the couch didn't yell at a single player, Coughlin made the trip to Miami with the team. Addressing the team before Monday's night game sources close to the team said the couch showed up in a smoking jacket and boxers, giving a low energy uninspired speech. "Alright, go out there and do whatever it is you're going to do. Nothing I' say is going to make you tackle.  Now I have an evening of top tier Miami clubbing and night surfing to get to. YOLO,  I'm out."

After the speech the players looked at each other befuddle.  Odell Beckham Junior was heard to ask veteran Eli Manning, ?What's clubbing."  Eli responded, "I think it's dancing and coke, but I'm not sure could be a caveman reenactment group." 

Despite the team having completely lost their coach with a quarter of the season left they were still able to eek out a win. Though questions remain if the team is unable to win back their head coach if any of the players will be back next year. Reuben Randall said he had a talk with the head coach last week and thought maybe if the receiving corp took the coaches bowling perhaps that would lift their spirits and get their heads back into the game and planning.

In the press conference after the game Coughlin was asked by reporters if he was excited about the win. A sarcastic Coughlin responded, "Oh yeah. Sure. So excited. They beat the Dolphins, the powerhouse of the AFC, way to go.  I'm giving everyone of these guys a medal. No a trophy a Superbowl trophy."

Monday, December 07, 2015

The Hidden Truth about the NY Football Giants

What has happened the Giants? Five years ago they were Super Bowl champions and now they are going on their 3rd consecutive losing season. Giant fans want answers. I'm here to tell you all what ESPN is too scared to tell you.

Eli Manning's wife, Abby McGrew doesn't have a job. That's right she's  a stay at home  mom and some sort of charitable do-gooder.   Perhaps if she was pulling her own weight in the Manning household Eli wouldn't have to negotiate for a such huge contracts. Thereby eating up value cap space the Giants could use to pay a for another defensive lineman, or a linebacker.

What do we know? The Patriots have been winning for 15 years. Their starting Quarterback's wife has a job. That's right Tom Brady's wife Gisselle is out their putting food on the table, allowing Tom to take a pay cut and thus allowing the Patriots to hire someone besides Tom Brady.

Not only is Abby not working but she's alos popping out children left and right. Kids are expensive, and they have three!  How can you pay for a decent left guard when he has three children to feed? But she won't work. Rather, she prefers to raise money for hospitals or some such nonsense. Great. Sorry but that poor kid you're helping get vaccinated won't be eligible to play pro football for 20 years. That could be a generation of of losing seasons.

Abby needs to put a dress on and walk down a runway. At the very least start a hedge fund or ponzi scheme, because this building through the draft is not cutting it.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Is God Living in the Greater Green Bay, WI area?

  

  It is a shame that the first temple of Jerusalem was destroyed way back when in the olden days before my parents were born. According to folklore that temple was where the actual name of god was written down.  Now back then usb drives were hard to come by so these Jews didn't back up their work.  Next thing you know the Babylonians burned the whole temple down and with it  the actual name of god. Doh! Always back up your work.

     I bring this up, not because Yom Kippur is on the horizon but because without that name on the temple walls we can't be 100% certain that Aaron Rodgers is the name of God. Though, of course we know that it is.  A side question is what did those Semitic people think looking at the strange yet to be invented English text etched into their temple wall?

    How do we know Aaron Rodgers is god? Easy all the religious texts tell us that god makes us better. Aaron Rodgers makes his team better especially his receivers.  When Aaron touches the football with his godly hands his receivers catch the ball. They could never catch the ball if it hadn't been touched by god himself.  Green Bay receivers Running routes, getting separation, practicing their catching with the Jugs machine is moot, it is Aaron Rodgers that makes these men great -- makes America great.

     Skeptics and atheist will say then why doesn't Aaron Rodgers have 100% completion rate and why has he only won one Super Bowl?  First, he doesn't touch the ball on defense. Since God is good God won't break the rules and be the 12th man on the field when it's the defense's turn, plus god isn't a ball hog, he is good guy. Secondly, god works in mysterious ways. And he must have reason for not completing all his passes and only winning one Superbowl despite being god.

     Skeptics might also say that maybe the receivers and offensive line are good on their own without the guidance of the Almighty Jehovah. No. I've watched Eli Manning play football, he is from New Orleans home of Voodoo and therefore the devil. I've seen Eli Manning hit receivers in the hands and watch as those receivers let the ball fall to the ground. Sometimes the receivers are hit the hands and they tip it up in the air,  so the other team may posses the ball. Why? Because running with the devil has never made anyone better.

Maybe voodo can win you some championships-make a ball stick to a helmet, but it will never make you God.  There is only one true god. (unless you believe in some polytheistic religion _that just seems really inefficient. If you have two quarterbacks you have no quarterbacks, if you have 10 gods do you any gods? Or anytime for you?) The one true god's name was written on that temple wall long ago, that name is Aaron Rodgers.  Without him perhaps no one would catch a football.


Monday, November 17, 2014

The Audition


A big opportunity--An internet show. Of course I audition.

I awake at reasonable hour and shower. Now if my co-workers from my computer moving job learned of this, I'm sure their feelings would be hurt, I never shower before I go work with them. Not only do I shower, I attempt to apply make-up to my own face. And boy does that tinted moisturizer and mascara make a difference, I'm like an angel.

I arrive at the designated audition area all dolled up. I meet a producer upon stepping off the elevator.    She looks at me quizzically and asks, "This is for a sports show?"
"Yes." I respond bewildered.  She then looks me up and down in that way that only straight women and gay men can look a woman up and down-- with cruel judgment in their eyes-- and she says, "No, but like you should be really passionate about sports."
"Uh yeah." I respond.
"OK," she utters with disbelief in her voice.

At this point I'm completely flummoxed.  Why wouldn't she believe me?  I'm wearing a Mark Bavaro jersey.   I'd think wearing the jersey of the best tight end in Giants history might scream, "I love sports. Passionately!" So I delicately say, "You seem not to believe me. I mean I'm wearing a Bavaro Jersey."
"Hmm, yeah, but you could just be anti-abortion."
"No. Sure he might be an anti-choice, Catholic zealot, but he's a great player. If it was merely displaying an anti-choice stance I'd just wear a Tim Tebow jersey.  That guy plays football like he'd rather be in the school musical but his dad won't let him."
"Whatever, you're number 45."


And here is the video my husband, an evil Jets fan, found on the internet several years ago. He threw it in my face, like an Eli Manning interception, to break my big blue heart. 



Thursday, November 13, 2014

How Things Came to be: Gendered Division of Labor

 

   In many parts of the world women make less money than men either for the same job, or because they can't get the good paying, really evil jobs due to gender discrimination. Meanwhile, men are ridiculed if they wear skirts or dresses despite the fact that their genitalia would probably be so much more happy swinging free and easy in a flowing dress instead of scrunched up in jeans or suit pants. Why do you think Buddhist monks seem so at peace? It's the robes. 

     How did we get here?

     It all started with a guy named Donnie[1].  He was a big, strong, young man. People in his clan thought that he was a douche[2].  The women wanted nothing to do with him sexually. It's unclear why they found him so repulsive  by all accounts he was very strong and tall, relative to surrounding people. Socio-biologist [3]would hypothesize that all the women would be pulling each other's hair out just to get some of Donnie's genetic material. This clearly wasn't the case. Some historians believe  one of the reasons no one wanted to sleep with Donnie was because he was horribly self involved. He never asked women any questions about themselves. He would just drone on and on about how many logs he could carry at once. (Side note: historians also think Donnie might have had a hand in the deforestation of Mesopotamia.) He was also rumored to have kicked kids and kittens--not cool Donnie.
            So no one would sleep with Donnie and Donnie had needs. So Donnie came up with a plan. He proposed that women be forbidden to hunt, or farm or do anything but raise babies and clean plates. The only way women would have access to food is if she got a man to give her some. Men thought this was a horrible idea.
"Donnie, you mean then we have to do all the work all year long? No way."
"They slow us down. They can't carry as many logs as me."
"No one can carry as many logs as you, Donnie." Cried the clan.
"Women also get pregnant and then don't work for a couple of months before and after the baby and we all do just fine."
"But that's only one or two women at a time not all the women. It's like when someone gets sick we pick up the slack for one person for a week or so. We don't all get sick on the same day."[4]
Donnie left the meeting dejected. A few months later Gary[5] fell in love with Gertrude. Gary was handsome and smart and lots of women were interested in him, but of course Gary only wanted the lady who didn't want him. It's too bad these early settled people didn't live longer they might have out grown some of this psychology. As he was sulking under a fig tree he remembered Donnie's hare-brained plan and figured with a different spin he could sell it the clan and force Gertrude to love him.
"We have a problem here in our clan.. Our children are not getting the proper education they need because too many of us our busy with our farming tasks, I give you Donnie as proof of how far our community as deteriorated. "
"That's true he is kind of log[6] head."
"So let's divide up the word so we can make sure it all gets done. One idea, we could say is that the women stay home and make sure our children don't become log heads."
One woman piped up and said, "But I'm on the verge of breeding edible almonds. This is going to be awesome for us a great source of protein, easily stored, easy to carry on raiding missions."
Gary responded, "Exactly, That's the kind of person who needs to be spending time with our kids making them smart."  He was a slick one that Gary.
One of the men quipped, "But then we have to do all the work,  but the teaching. This sounds like Donnie's plan from last year."
Gary had an answer, "Not quite. You wouldn't be required to get up in the middle of the night when the baby is crying that would just be the women who are in charge of the kids."
"Wait. WHAT!" the women screamed.
"Hold on let the man speak," the men retorted because when you have to wake up at dawn to farm every day no one wants to have to go tend to a crying baby in the middle of the night.
Then Gary stated the pink elephant in the room. "You know we are stronger than you. "
The women could have revolted by killing the men in their sleep and restoring the balance of power in their community, but sadly those women had trouble staying up past when the men went to bed due to the interruption of their sleep cycle by the crying newborns they were forced to attend to by themselves. Of course Donnie and Gary never foresaw that men would have to mine coal one day while the women remained black lung free trapped in their homes.



[1] Donnie  it's what his name translates to from ancient Babylonian.
[2] They didn't actually call him a douche because that product didn't exist 10,000 years ago. They called him something that loosely translates to "hole away from water supply where we rid our bodies of waste." Which is what we now in the US call a toilet. We don't call people toilets today in the western world to insult them so I'm just going to go with douche. 
[3] Socio-biologist the modern day astrologist, so much math so little facts.
[4] Of course that last sentiment isn't always true sometimes they do all get sick at the same time, it's called a plague and it usually wipes a society.
[5] Again translated from Babylonian.
[6][6] Later this would turn into lug head.


   In many parts of the world women make less money than men either for the same job, or because they can't get the good paying, really evil jobs due to gender discrimination. Meanwhile, men are ridiculed if they wear skirts or dresses despite the fact that their genitalia would probably be so much more happy swinging free and easy in a flowing dress instead of scrunched up in jeans or suit pants. Why do you think Buddhist monks seem so at peace? It's the robes. 

     How did we get here?

     It all started with a guy named Donnie[1].  He was a big, strong, young man. People in his clan thought that he was a douche[2].  The women wanted nothing to do with him sexually. It's unclear why they found him so repulsive  by all accounts he was very strong and tall, relative to surrounding people. Socio-biologist [3]would hypothesize that all the women would be pulling each other's hair out just to get some of Donnie's genetic material. This clearly wasn't the case. Some historians believe  one of the reasons no one wanted to sleep with Donnie was because he was horribly self involved. He never asked women any questions about themselves. He would just drone on and on about how many logs he could carry at once. (Side note: historians also think Donnie might have had a hand in the deforestation of Mesopotamia.) He was also rumored to have kicked kids and kittens--not cool Donnie.
            So no one would sleep with Donnie and Donnie had needs. So Donnie came up with a plan. He proposed that women be forbidden to hunt, or farm or do anything but raise babies and clean plates. The only way women would have access to food is if she got a man to give her some. Men thought this was a horrible idea.
"Donnie, you mean then we have to do all the work all year long? No way."
"They slow us down. They can't carry as many logs as me."
"No one can carry as many logs as you, Donnie." Cried the clan.
"Women also get pregnant and then don't work for a couple of months before and after the baby and we all do just fine."
"But that's only one or two women at a time not all the women. It's like when someone gets sick we pick up the slack for one person for a week or so. We don't all get sick on the same day."[4]
Donnie left the meeting dejected. A few months later Gary[5] fell in love with Gertrude. Gary was handsome and smart and lots of women were interested in him, but of course Gary only wanted the lady who didn't want him. It's too bad these early settled people didn't live longer they might have out grown some of this psychology. As he was sulking under a fig tree he remembered Donnie's hare-brained plan and figured with a different spin he could sell it the clan and force Gertrude to love him.
"We have a problem here in our clan.. Our children are not getting the proper education they need because too many of us our busy with our farming tasks, I give you Donnie as proof of how far our community as deteriorated. "
"That's true he is kind of log[6] head."
"So let's divide up the word so we can make sure it all gets done. One idea, we could say is that the women stay home and make sure our children don't become log heads."
One woman piped up and said, "But I'm on the verge of breeding edible almonds. This is going to be awesome for us a great source of protein, easily stored, easy to carry on raiding missions."
Gary responded, "Exactly, That's the kind of person who needs to be spending time with our kids making them smart."  He was a slick one that Gary.
One of the men quipped, "But then we have to do all the work,  but the teaching. This sounds like Donnie's plan from last year."
Gary had an answer, "Not quite. You wouldn't be required to get up in the middle of the night when the baby is crying that would just be the women who are in charge of the kids."
"Wait. WHAT!" the women screamed.
"Hold on let the man speak," the men retorted because when you have to wake up at dawn to farm every day no one wants to have to go tend to a crying baby in the middle of the night.
Then Gary stated the pink elephant in the room. "You know we are stronger than you. "
The women could have revolted by killing the men in their sleep and restoring the balance of power in their community, but sadly those women had trouble staying up past when the men went to bed due to the interruption of their sleep cycle by the crying newborns they were forced to attend to by themselves. Of course Donnie and Gary never foresaw that men would have to mine coal one day while the women remained black lung free trapped in their homes.



[1] Donnie  it's what his name translates to from ancient Babylonian.
[2] They didn't actually call him a douche because that product didn't exist 10,000 years ago. They called him something that loosely translates to "hole away from water supply where we rid our bodies of waste." Which is what we now in the US call a toilet. We don't call people toilets today in the western world to insult them so I'm just going to go with douche. 
[3] Socio-biologist the modern day astrologist, so much math so little facts.
[4] Of course that last sentiment isn't always true sometimes they do all get sick at the same time, it's called a plague and it usually wipes a society.
[5] Again translated from Babylonian.
[6][6] Later this would turn into lug head.