Wednesday, March 29, 2017

We Are Not Bots, Yet

Yesterday, I was told by a business associate who is a big muckity muck at Viacom, that I needed a LinkedIn profile if I wanted to find a job.  I mention her muckity muck status in hopes that I will be looked on as someone you want to associate with because I know successful people. Successful people working for companies you have heard of.  She told me what HR people had told her, “First, thing we do is check to see if you have a LinkedIn profile to make sure you’re not a bot.”  I responded to this information with a question, “Why are bots applying for jobs? What’s the angle?”  Though associate is brilliant and has a master’s degree, she was stumped for an answer. 
I slept on the question. I woke up this morning and set-up a LinkedIn profile. That’s when it occurred to me - LinkedIn must be the ones using bots to apply to jobs, thereby making their product useful.  I must admit I have a similar theory about Norton Anti-Virus and their relation to the creation of computer viruses. Sure, it’s the information age, but somehow it still feels like the 1920s Little Italy and a protection racket.   Honestly, people were able to network and find jobs without LinkedIn for all of human history.  Unlike, other technological advances (the wheel, stone tools, electricity,
computers in general, etc.) social media in all its iterations has not made socializing and networking easier. In fact, it has muddied it.  Networking used to be designated to after work drinks, conferences, and conventions, now you do it in your cube (or open office space) while you are being paid to work.  The other social media platforms have helped water down the word friend. It used to mean a person you know and could count and who could count on you. If it turned out you couldn’t count on them, you’d be mad and hurt and possibly stop talking to them. Now, a friend is a digital prop people use to help brand themselves.
But social media not adding to the productivity or workers is not the real problem. The problem is that we are declaring we are not bots. Which in 2017 is fine and supposedly helpful. But what happens when Artificial Intelligence comes into its own?  When AI is running the HR department?  Then won’t I want to possibly pretend I am in fact a bot? Curry favor with our computer overlords? Or at minimum keep the AI guessing if I am a human or one them. 

Perhaps, we all be part bot in 20 years, with a memory drive attached to our brain stem.  We might all be a sleeker more stylish version of Robot Cop. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m a little uncomfortable about branding myself a human and not a bot. Because we all know what we put on the internet never dies, and the future is unknowable. Committing now to human might be beneficial in the short term, but could be disastrous in the long term. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Don't buy Kitchenaid Appliances

Be Warned!

My Kitchenaid (parent company Whirlpool) oven and gas range stove has crapped out on me.  My KSGB900E model was bought 13 months ago, only for the mother board to crap out. Really? A major home appliance that costs $2000 is only good for one month past their warranty.  It feels like a mafia racket.  "Hey we'll sell you this oven, but then you either pay protection money, buy the very pricey extended warranty,  or you can just pay exuberant prices for parts replacement. You know those parts we make with near slave labor for like 5 cents somewhere across the globe. We mark them up 1000 percent. Either way, little homeowner you're gonna be payin' us for the rest of your life."

I mean it's a stove and oven, it just sits in the kitchen and heats things up, it should last for, I don't know, ever. Or at least 10 years.  It's not like I got drunk carried the thing downstairs and used it as a sled to ride down the hill I live on.

I called Kitchenaid. The service representative was very nice. I won't use his/her name in case the company likes to fire low level employees willy nilly. I wouldn't put it past them. The best they could do was cover those cheap ass replacement parts but I have to pay for the service call.

If you're rich I recommend buying a cast iron oven, no dumb ass computers that are programmed to fail so they can keep bleeding you dry. If you're middle class I reccomend not buying a Whirlpool appliance, because they don't stand by their work. Try finding a stove/range that does not have computer parts.

I feel like now I have to call my congressman and ask for an investigation to see if Whirlpool purposely programs their appliance computers to malfunction so they can bleed the American consumer dry.

Side note, if you look around the internet you'll see that if you use the self cleaning feature on Kitchenaid ovens you'll ruin you're whole unit. Thankfully, we never tried this. BEWARE!!!

Wednesday, May 11, 2016


Anyone who has lived within the cultures where marriages aren't arranged has been there.  You've been on a few dates or you've  been dating for 3 years but you're just not ready to call the man, men, or women you're seeing your boyfriend.   Privately,  I claimed to never have had a boyfriend until I was 30. This wasn't some look how pure I am kind of statement more like, it's been terrible for me out there kind of statement. Of course after I admit to being a late bloomer I quickly insert, "I mean I dated before that. I bunch of guys. I've had sex."  Pity only feels so good for so long and for me it seems 3 seconds is my maximum.

There are many reasons why I didn't want to label some man my boyfriend. First off, the words boyfriend and girlfriend are stupid words that invoke the images of teenagers. This is perhaps because historically people were married by the time they were 15, so courtship was really taking place between boys and girls and not men and women.   But then in 1993 everything changed and people started getting married later in life like when they were actually adults. Some blame Kurt Cobain and Nirvana for a whole generation of Americans delaying their married lives. Maybe it's true, I don't know I didn't bother to do any actual research. I figured if Wikipedia just makes things up anyway, why waste my time "researching" and then citing when I can cut out the middle man and just make it all up myself.  But either way Courtney Love, am I right? 

Secondly, maybe I dated some embarassing type men and I wanted to remain in denial that I chose sports jersey wearing mamma's boy as my boyfriend. "Wow, that harsh. Like you're some catch and someone would want to admit you're his girlfriend." Clearly, I'm not a catch did you not just read the first paragraph where I told you I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 30?  We're are all horrible can we move on, mister sanctimonious voice in my head?

Thirdly, and most likely, commitment and intimacy is terrible and scary especially when I was in my twenties and I thought my life would be amazing.  With a future that looked like it had no limits why limit that future with a ball chain that would keep anchored to the Earth instead of soaring among the clouds?  When I realized that I was not flying with the jets and birds but drowning in toxic sludge I learned that committing grabbing on to a life raft and dragging in down with me. No one wants to die alone.

However, before life's harsh lessons forced me to grow up and use the word boyfriend for real, stand-up comedy made me cop to it a half a decade sooner.  In stand-up messy overly dramatic details just get in the way of the joke.  You can't get up on stage and say my ex-"dude I used to sometimes have sex with and then not talk to and then have sex with again and then maybe go on some dates with, but we were still seeing other people, and those people well some of them I don't know their ages or their last names so who knows what's going on there." had disproportionately small hands.   The audience is now trying to decipher my relationship status that they can't pay attention to my hilarious impression of dating Godzilla.  As you know Godzilla's hands are very tiny in relation to the rest of him. So smallhands became my boyfriend.

Stand-up comedy might be therapeutic but the audience isn't my friend. The audience didn't show up to a bar to have a comedy show appear out of nowhere like a sniper on the Washington Mall  to figure out what the most accurate label for my dysfunctional romantic situations are.  They are two busy trying to figure out  how  a night out to take in a game and get drinks with friends somehow became a night where the TVs are turned off and hoodie clad, anger misfits are screaming at them through a mic to shut the fuck up as they talk about their dicks and vaginas.  

In this atmosphere nuance goes out the window and you all became my boyfriends. Yes, you guy with no pillow, and you the guy I slept with once who I described as having no teeth because describing your actual teeth would have also taken too long. And you who wanted to role play office, and you my greatest loves who I never dated buy stalked for years anyway, you were my truest boyfriends and I think the audiences across America for letting us have that kind of commitment and intimacy even if it was only on stage and in their minds.

Stand-up comedy hasn't given me riches, or respect, or self-worth, but it has given me more boyfriends then I truly ever deserve and for that it's all been worth it, except if you're using worth in a monetary sense then really it hasn't been.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Locker Room Loses Coach

East Rutherford, NJ.

A rare situation has developed in the NFL.  Giants locker room has lost their head coach and possibly the entirety of the couching staff. 

Tom Coughlin was not a the practice facility last Wednesday during practice. Sources at the 5th Down Bar and Grill in Carlstadt, NJ said the 69 year old couch was sidled up to the bar drinking Wild Turkey.  Patrons could hear the couch drunkenly grumbling to the bar tender, "If you're not going to block anyone why should I even bother with a game plan. Spend every hour of my waking life on this team and for what? So I can watch passes hit off shoulder pads. So I can be interrogated 3 times a week by half-wits who's industry is closer to death me."

Despite the couch phoning it in on Friday's walk through, supposedly the couch didn't yell at a single player, Coughlin made the trip to Miami with the team. Addressing the team before Monday's night game sources close to the team said the couch showed up in a smoking jacket and boxers, giving a low energy uninspired speech. "Alright, go out there and do whatever it is you're going to do. Nothing I' say is going to make you tackle.  Now I have an evening of top tier Miami clubbing and night surfing to get to. YOLO,  I'm out."

After the speech the players looked at each other befuddle.  Odell Beckham Junior was heard to ask veteran Eli Manning, ?What's clubbing."  Eli responded, "I think it's dancing and coke, but I'm not sure could be a caveman reenactment group." 

Despite the team having completely lost their coach with a quarter of the season left they were still able to eek out a win. Though questions remain if the team is unable to win back their head coach if any of the players will be back next year. Reuben Randall said he had a talk with the head coach last week and thought maybe if the receiving corp took the coaches bowling perhaps that would lift their spirits and get their heads back into the game and planning.

In the press conference after the game Coughlin was asked by reporters if he was excited about the win. A sarcastic Coughlin responded, "Oh yeah. Sure. So excited. They beat the Dolphins, the powerhouse of the AFC, way to go.  I'm giving everyone of these guys a medal. No a trophy a Superbowl trophy."

Monday, December 07, 2015

The Hidden Truth about the NY Football Giants

What has happened the Giants? Five years ago they were Super Bowl champions and now they are going on their 3rd consecutive losing season. Giant fans want answers. I'm here to tell you all what ESPN is too scared to tell you.

Eli Manning's wife, Abby McGrew doesn't have a job. That's right she's  a stay at home  mom and some sort of charitable do-gooder.   Perhaps if she was pulling her own weight in the Manning household Eli wouldn't have to negotiate for a such huge contracts. Thereby eating up value cap space the Giants could use to pay a for another defensive lineman, or a linebacker.

What do we know? The Patriots have been winning for 15 years. Their starting Quarterback's wife has a job. That's right Tom Brady's wife Gisselle is out their putting food on the table, allowing Tom to take a pay cut and thus allowing the Patriots to hire someone besides Tom Brady.

Not only is Abby not working but she's alos popping out children left and right. Kids are expensive, and they have three!  How can you pay for a decent left guard when he has three children to feed? But she won't work. Rather, she prefers to raise money for hospitals or some such nonsense. Great. Sorry but that poor kid you're helping get vaccinated won't be eligible to play pro football for 20 years. That could be a generation of of losing seasons.

Abby needs to put a dress on and walk down a runway. At the very least start a hedge fund or ponzi scheme, because this building through the draft is not cutting it.