Monday, May 15, 2017

Brer Rabbit or the Republican Party?

My theory is that the Republicans are Brer Rabbiting Democrats and liberals.  For those who don't know who Brer Rabbit is, he's the bunny that invented reverse psychology and got sent to his room to play Xbox all day as punishment for stealing Monsanto seeds from a corporate farmer.  And now it looks like Brer is a major strategist for the Republican party.  

Democrats pass Republican, imperfect, corporate -welfare healthcare plan. Republican carry-on for years how much they hate it, "How could make us pass our own healthcare plan. Oh we hate it so much. It's the absolute worst. I rather be thrown into a brier patch."

Next, they double down on their coy act and try to pass a healthcare plan that is ten times worse then the original one they constructed and got passed.  Which has the rest of the country who really wants single payer but would settle for some fixes on the ACA just begging any politician they can get an email address for to please let us keep the bone you threw us. 

Next, we have FBI director James Comey.  Democrats hate him. Loathe the man, until the President fires Comey so the President can cover up a scandal, which really just Republicans screaming, "No really! Please! Please! Don't throw me into that brier patch" . Now, rumor has it he might be replaced by Chris Christie the least popular governor in the history of US Governors (and some of those Governors have gone to jail.) Democrats are besides themselves. "No, no, no.  Give us back that guy who might have cost our candidate the election. " 

What do you think is going to happen next? The Energy Secretary is going to come out with a plan that we are now going to burn babies and puppies to power our our grid.  People will respond, "No, not the country's cuties! If you're going to burn anything burn coal! Coal burns perfectly well. Babies are too moist, it's so inefficient. 

EPA let's California farms use every last drop of water in the water table so the population has no choice but to beg them to melt the icebergs faster  because we're so parched. 

The treasury department decides to take the tax revenues to Vegas. So that the only response is fine, more Goldman Sachs guys. 

In a reverse of hip hop philosophy. Don't hate the game hate the players. The game is genius. Evilly genius. 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

The Trending Trendy Trenders Foiled Again by the NY Times

The Internet, World Wide.  Thursday the New York Times caused quite a stir in the open marriage community by running a story in the NY Times Magazine about the living arrangement some people have been making for decades.

"Now everyone is going to be Poly," Decried Kevin Sanders of Manhattan.  "How am I supposed to be different, and interesting now that open marriage has been reviewed by the times?" pouted Leslie Stokes of Berkeley, CA.  "No one is going to gossip about me now that they'll all being doing it too," worried Jose Diaz of Columbus, OH.

This isn't the first thing "ruined" by the New York Times reporting on it. Since it's inception as a paper countless restaurants have gone from quiet and enjoyable for those in the know to utterly mobbed with year long waits for reservations.

After the story ran Hamilton (A Broadway musical) saw its ticket sales dip for the first time since the show opened in February 2015.  Meanwhile Rapid Realty reported that clients no longer seemed interested in specifically renting in Brooklyn. Rather couples looking for apartments seemed more curious what agents were doing after.  While membership in polyamorous meet up groups have soared by 78%.  Smith's bar and grill is having Happy Hour for Open Couples Thursdays.

New York's Mayor DeBlasio made a statement on the new trend, "I think this new open marriage trend could do a lot to ease our city's affordable housing shortage and our male shortage in this city. If wives are willing to share their husbands that might really go a long way in helping single, heterosexual women get some."

It's hard to predict how long this trend will last as trend data is all over the place, but some original open marriagers, like Phyllis Caso, are not bothering to wait out the trend storm, "Forget it. I'm going back to a closed monogamy and just going crab grassatarian."

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

We Are Not Bots, Yet


Yesterday, I was told by a business associate who is a big muckity muck at Viacom, that I needed a LinkedIn profile if I wanted to find a job.  I mention her muckity muck status in hopes that I will be looked on as someone you want to associate with because I know successful people. Successful people working for companies you have heard of.  She told me what HR people had told her, “First, thing we do is check to see if you have a LinkedIn profile to make sure you’re not a bot.”  I responded to this information with a question, “Why are bots applying for jobs? What’s the angle?”  Though associate is brilliant and has a master’s degree, she was stumped for an answer. 
I slept on the question. I woke up this morning and set-up a LinkedIn profile. That’s when it occurred to me - LinkedIn must be the ones using bots to apply to jobs, thereby making their product useful.  I must admit I have a similar theory about Norton Anti-Virus and their relation to the creation of computer viruses. Sure, it’s the information age, but somehow it still feels like the 1920s Little Italy and a protection racket.   Honestly, people were able to network and find jobs without LinkedIn for all of human history.  Unlike, other technological advances (the wheel, stone tools, electricity,
computers in general, etc.) social media in all its iterations has not made socializing and networking easier. In fact, it has muddied it.  Networking used to be designated to after work drinks, conferences, and conventions, now you do it in your cube (or open office space) while you are being paid to work.  The other social media platforms have helped water down the word friend. It used to mean a person you know and could count and who could count on you. If it turned out you couldn’t count on them, you’d be mad and hurt and possibly stop talking to them. Now, a friend is a digital prop people use to help brand themselves.
But social media not adding to the productivity or workers is not the real problem. The problem is that we are declaring we are not bots. Which in 2017 is fine and supposedly helpful. But what happens when Artificial Intelligence comes into its own?  When AI is running the HR department?  Then won’t I want to possibly pretend I am in fact a bot? Curry favor with our computer overlords? Or at minimum keep the AI guessing if I am a human or one them. 

Perhaps, we all be part bot in 20 years, with a memory drive attached to our brain stem.  We might all be a sleeker more stylish version of Robot Cop. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m a little uncomfortable about branding myself a human and not a bot. Because we all know what we put on the internet never dies, and the future is unknowable. Committing now to human might be beneficial in the short term, but could be disastrous in the long term. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Don't buy Kitchenaid Appliances

Be Warned!

My Kitchenaid (parent company Whirlpool) oven and gas range stove has crapped out on me.  My KSGB900E model was bought 13 months ago, only for the mother board to crap out. Really? A major home appliance that costs $2000 is only good for one month past their warranty.  It feels like a mafia racket.  "Hey we'll sell you this oven, but then you either pay protection money, buy the very pricey extended warranty,  or you can just pay exuberant prices for parts replacement. You know those parts we make with near slave labor for like 5 cents somewhere across the globe. We mark them up 1000 percent. Either way, little homeowner you're gonna be payin' us for the rest of your life."

I mean it's a stove and oven, it just sits in the kitchen and heats things up, it should last for, I don't know, ever. Or at least 10 years.  It's not like I got drunk carried the thing downstairs and used it as a sled to ride down the hill I live on.

I called Kitchenaid. The service representative was very nice. I won't use his/her name in case the company likes to fire low level employees willy nilly. I wouldn't put it past them. The best they could do was cover those cheap ass replacement parts but I have to pay for the service call.

If you're rich I recommend buying a cast iron oven, no dumb ass computers that are programmed to fail so they can keep bleeding you dry. If you're middle class I reccomend not buying a Whirlpool appliance, because they don't stand by their work. Try finding a stove/range that does not have computer parts.

I feel like now I have to call my congressman and ask for an investigation to see if Whirlpool purposely programs their appliance computers to malfunction so they can bleed the American consumer dry.

Side note, if you look around the internet you'll see that if you use the self cleaning feature on Kitchenaid ovens you'll ruin you're whole unit. Thankfully, we never tried this. BEWARE!!!

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

HOW STAND UP COMEDY MADE ME ADMIT THOSE GUYS WERE MY BOYFRIENDS




Anyone who has lived within the cultures where marriages aren't arranged has been there.  You've been on a few dates or you've  been dating for 3 years but you're just not ready to call the man, men, or women you're seeing your boyfriend.   Privately,  I claimed to never have had a boyfriend until I was 30. This wasn't some look how pure I am kind of statement more like, it's been terrible for me out there kind of statement. Of course after I admit to being a late bloomer I quickly insert, "I mean I dated before that. I bunch of guys. I've had sex."  Pity only feels so good for so long and for me it seems 3 seconds is my maximum.

There are many reasons why I didn't want to label some man my boyfriend. First off, the words boyfriend and girlfriend are stupid words that invoke the images of teenagers. This is perhaps because historically people were married by the time they were 15, so courtship was really taking place between boys and girls and not men and women.   But then in 1993 everything changed and people started getting married later in life like when they were actually adults. Some blame Kurt Cobain and Nirvana for a whole generation of Americans delaying their married lives. Maybe it's true, I don't know I didn't bother to do any actual research. I figured if Wikipedia just makes things up anyway, why waste my time "researching" and then citing when I can cut out the middle man and just make it all up myself.  But either way Courtney Love, am I right? 

Secondly, maybe I dated some embarassing type men and I wanted to remain in denial that I chose sports jersey wearing mamma's boy as my boyfriend. "Wow, that harsh. Like you're some catch and someone would want to admit you're his girlfriend." Clearly, I'm not a catch did you not just read the first paragraph where I told you I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 30?  We're are all horrible can we move on, mister sanctimonious voice in my head?

Thirdly, and most likely, commitment and intimacy is terrible and scary especially when I was in my twenties and I thought my life would be amazing.  With a future that looked like it had no limits why limit that future with a ball chain that would keep anchored to the Earth instead of soaring among the clouds?  When I realized that I was not flying with the jets and birds but drowning in toxic sludge I learned that committing grabbing on to a life raft and dragging in down with me. No one wants to die alone.

However, before life's harsh lessons forced me to grow up and use the word boyfriend for real, stand-up comedy made me cop to it a half a decade sooner.  In stand-up messy overly dramatic details just get in the way of the joke.  You can't get up on stage and say my ex-"dude I used to sometimes have sex with and then not talk to and then have sex with again and then maybe go on some dates with, but we were still seeing other people, and those people well some of them I don't know their ages or their last names so who knows what's going on there." had disproportionately small hands.   The audience is now trying to decipher my relationship status that they can't pay attention to my hilarious impression of dating Godzilla.  As you know Godzilla's hands are very tiny in relation to the rest of him. So smallhands became my boyfriend.

Stand-up comedy might be therapeutic but the audience isn't my friend. The audience didn't show up to a bar to have a comedy show appear out of nowhere like a sniper on the Washington Mall  to figure out what the most accurate label for my dysfunctional romantic situations are.  They are two busy trying to figure out  how  a night out to take in a game and get drinks with friends somehow became a night where the TVs are turned off and hoodie clad, anger misfits are screaming at them through a mic to shut the fuck up as they talk about their dicks and vaginas.  

In this atmosphere nuance goes out the window and you all became my boyfriends. Yes, you guy with no pillow, and you the guy I slept with once who I described as having no teeth because describing your actual teeth would have also taken too long. And you who wanted to role play office, and you my greatest loves who I never dated buy stalked for years anyway, you were my truest boyfriends and I think the audiences across America for letting us have that kind of commitment and intimacy even if it was only on stage and in their minds.

Stand-up comedy hasn't given me riches, or respect, or self-worth, but it has given me more boyfriends then I truly ever deserve and for that it's all been worth it, except if you're using worth in a monetary sense then really it hasn't been.

Monday, March 21, 2016