Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Locker Room Loses Coach

East Rutherford, NJ.

A rare situation has developed in the NFL.  Giants locker room has lost their head coach and possibly the entirety of the couching staff. 

Tom Coughlin was not a the practice facility last Wednesday during practice. Sources at the 5th Down Bar and Grill in Carlstadt, NJ said the 69 year old couch was sidled up to the bar drinking Wild Turkey.  Patrons could hear the couch drunkenly grumbling to the bar tender, "If you're not going to block anyone why should I even bother with a game plan. Spend every hour of my waking life on this team and for what? So I can watch passes hit off shoulder pads. So I can be interrogated 3 times a week by half-wits who's industry is closer to death me."

Despite the couch phoning it in on Friday's walk through, supposedly the couch didn't yell at a single player, Coughlin made the trip to Miami with the team. Addressing the team before Monday's night game sources close to the team said the couch showed up in a smoking jacket and boxers, giving a low energy uninspired speech. "Alright, go out there and do whatever it is you're going to do. Nothing I' say is going to make you tackle.  Now I have an evening of top tier Miami clubbing and night surfing to get to. YOLO,  I'm out."

After the speech the players looked at each other befuddle.  Odell Beckham Junior was heard to ask veteran Eli Manning, ?What's clubbing."  Eli responded, "I think it's dancing and coke, but I'm not sure could be a caveman reenactment group." 

Despite the team having completely lost their coach with a quarter of the season left they were still able to eek out a win. Though questions remain if the team is unable to win back their head coach if any of the players will be back next year. Reuben Randall said he had a talk with the head coach last week and thought maybe if the receiving corp took the coaches bowling perhaps that would lift their spirits and get their heads back into the game and planning.

In the press conference after the game Coughlin was asked by reporters if he was excited about the win. A sarcastic Coughlin responded, "Oh yeah. Sure. So excited. They beat the Dolphins, the powerhouse of the AFC, way to go.  I'm giving everyone of these guys a medal. No a trophy a Superbowl trophy."

Monday, December 07, 2015

The Hidden Truth about the NY Football Giants

What has happened the Giants? Five years ago they were Super Bowl champions and now they are going on their 3rd consecutive losing season. Giant fans want answers. I'm here to tell you all what ESPN is too scared to tell you.

Eli Manning's wife, Abby McGrew doesn't have a job. That's right she's  a stay at home  mom and some sort of charitable do-gooder.   Perhaps if she was pulling her own weight in the Manning household Eli wouldn't have to negotiate for a such huge contracts. Thereby eating up value cap space the Giants could use to pay a for another defensive lineman, or a linebacker.

What do we know? The Patriots have been winning for 15 years. Their starting Quarterback's wife has a job. That's right Tom Brady's wife Gisselle is out their putting food on the table, allowing Tom to take a pay cut and thus allowing the Patriots to hire someone besides Tom Brady.

Not only is Abby not working but she's alos popping out children left and right. Kids are expensive, and they have three!  How can you pay for a decent left guard when he has three children to feed? But she won't work. Rather, she prefers to raise money for hospitals or some such nonsense. Great. Sorry but that poor kid you're helping get vaccinated won't be eligible to play pro football for 20 years. That could be a generation of of losing seasons.

Abby needs to put a dress on and walk down a runway. At the very least start a hedge fund or ponzi scheme, because this building through the draft is not cutting it.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Is God Living in the Greater Green Bay, WI area?


  It is a shame that the first temple of Jerusalem was destroyed way back when in the olden days before my parents were born. According to folklore that temple was where the actual name of god was written down.  Now back then usb drives were hard to come by so these Jews didn't back up their work.  Next thing you know the Babylonians burned the whole temple down and with it  the actual name of god. Doh! Always back up your work.

     I bring this up, not because Yom Kippur is on the horizon but because without that name on the temple walls we can't be 100% certain that Aaron Rodgers is the name of God. Though, of course we know that it is.  A side question is what did those Semitic people think looking at the strange yet to be invented English text etched into their temple wall?

    How do we know Aaron Rodgers is god? Easy all the religious texts tell us that god makes us better. Aaron Rodgers makes his team better especially his receivers.  When Aaron touches the football with his godly hands his receivers catch the ball. They could never catch the ball if it hadn't been touched by god himself.  Green Bay receivers Running routes, getting separation, practicing their catching with the Jugs machine is moot, it is Aaron Rodgers that makes these men great -- makes America great.

     Skeptics and atheist will say then why doesn't Aaron Rodgers have 100% completion rate and why has he only won one Super Bowl?  First, he doesn't touch the ball on defense. Since God is good God won't break the rules and be the 12th man on the field when it's the defense's turn, plus god isn't a ball hog, he is good guy. Secondly, god works in mysterious ways. And he must have reason for not completing all his passes and only winning one Superbowl despite being god.

     Skeptics might also say that maybe the receivers and offensive line are good on their own without the guidance of the Almighty Jehovah. No. I've watched Eli Manning play football, he is from New Orleans home of Voodoo and therefore the devil. I've seen Eli Manning hit receivers in the hands and watch as those receivers let the ball fall to the ground. Sometimes the receivers are hit the hands and they tip it up in the air,  so the other team may posses the ball. Why? Because running with the devil has never made anyone better.

Maybe voodo can win you some championships-make a ball stick to a helmet, but it will never make you God.  There is only one true god. (unless you believe in some polytheistic religion _that just seems really inefficient. If you have two quarterbacks you have no quarterbacks, if you have 10 gods do you any gods? Or anytime for you?) The one true god's name was written on that temple wall long ago, that name is Aaron Rodgers.  Without him perhaps no one would catch a football.