Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Locker Room Loses Coach

East Rutherford, NJ.

A rare situation has developed in the NFL.  Giants locker room has lost their head coach and possibly the entirety of the couching staff. 

Tom Coughlin was not a the practice facility last Wednesday during practice. Sources at the 5th Down Bar and Grill in Carlstadt, NJ said the 69 year old couch was sidled up to the bar drinking Wild Turkey.  Patrons could hear the couch drunkenly grumbling to the bar tender, "If you're not going to block anyone why should I even bother with a game plan. Spend every hour of my waking life on this team and for what? So I can watch passes hit off shoulder pads. So I can be interrogated 3 times a week by half-wits who's industry is closer to death me."

Despite the couch phoning it in on Friday's walk through, supposedly the couch didn't yell at a single player, Coughlin made the trip to Miami with the team. Addressing the team before Monday's night game sources close to the team said the couch showed up in a smoking jacket and boxers, giving a low energy uninspired speech. "Alright, go out there and do whatever it is you're going to do. Nothing I' say is going to make you tackle.  Now I have an evening of top tier Miami clubbing and night surfing to get to. YOLO,  I'm out."

After the speech the players looked at each other befuddle.  Odell Beckham Junior was heard to ask veteran Eli Manning, ?What's clubbing."  Eli responded, "I think it's dancing and coke, but I'm not sure could be a caveman reenactment group." 

Despite the team having completely lost their coach with a quarter of the season left they were still able to eek out a win. Though questions remain if the team is unable to win back their head coach if any of the players will be back next year. Reuben Randall said he had a talk with the head coach last week and thought maybe if the receiving corp took the coaches bowling perhaps that would lift their spirits and get their heads back into the game and planning.

In the press conference after the game Coughlin was asked by reporters if he was excited about the win. A sarcastic Coughlin responded, "Oh yeah. Sure. So excited. They beat the Dolphins, the powerhouse of the AFC, way to go.  I'm giving everyone of these guys a medal. No a trophy a Superbowl trophy."

Monday, December 07, 2015

The Hidden Truth about the NY Football Giants

What has happened the Giants? Five years ago they were Super Bowl champions and now they are going on their 3rd consecutive losing season. Giant fans want answers. I'm here to tell you all what ESPN is too scared to tell you.

Eli Manning's wife, Abby McGrew doesn't have a job. That's right she's  a stay at home  mom and some sort of charitable do-gooder.   Perhaps if she was pulling her own weight in the Manning household Eli wouldn't have to negotiate for a such huge contracts. Thereby eating up value cap space the Giants could use to pay a for another defensive lineman, or a linebacker.

What do we know? The Patriots have been winning for 15 years. Their starting Quarterback's wife has a job. That's right Tom Brady's wife Gisselle is out their putting food on the table, allowing Tom to take a pay cut and thus allowing the Patriots to hire someone besides Tom Brady.

Not only is Abby not working but she's alos popping out children left and right. Kids are expensive, and they have three!  How can you pay for a decent left guard when he has three children to feed? But she won't work. Rather, she prefers to raise money for hospitals or some such nonsense. Great. Sorry but that poor kid you're helping get vaccinated won't be eligible to play pro football for 20 years. That could be a generation of of losing seasons.

Abby needs to put a dress on and walk down a runway. At the very least start a hedge fund or ponzi scheme, because this building through the draft is not cutting it.