Thursday, October 30, 2008

Is It Not Too Late For Write-Ins?

This is usually the point in the football season where I lament the performance of beloved Giants. This year however, the Big Blue is actually doing well. And then it occurred to me...

With less than a week before Election Day I would like urge you all to write in Tom Coughlin head coach of the New York Football Giants for President of the United States.

I'll just list reasons.

  1. He's a leader of men. OK a coach of men, but very similar.
  2. He believes in rules and discipline and if you don't follow those rules you don't get to play and you get fined. Just ask his lead wide receiver.
  3. He's a winner. Unlike other presidents who have been involved in professional sports Tom Coughlin has a winning record.
  4. He is a beacon of change. He took a ragtag team of millionares and six figure earners and made them Super Bowl Champions.
  5. He's so good at change he even changed himself. He took his frown and turned it upside down. He realized his players weren't responding to his dickish attitude he got a little friendlier. Not as placid as Obama but not as dickish as McCain.
  6. He has press conference experience. I'd say more so than any other candidate running.
  7. Though he has no experience as a Miltary general he is able to motivate men to tackle one another. And football is very much like war with strategies for battling over territory.
  8. He has gotten Black Americans and White Americans to work together. No other senator, govenor, or mayor can claim the same thing.
  9. He is a diplomat. He always compliments the opponents he faces. Never name calling. I bet he wouldn't stoop to calling the insurgents in Iraq cowardly terrorists. He'd say they are a fierce opponent and we're going to need to get pressure on their quarterback to have a chance to win this thing.
  10. His team's color is Red White and Blue. Mostly blue but more American than the Cowboys who's team colors do not include red. Yes, that's right the Dallas Cowboys want to be Greek.
  11. He knows you can only take it one game at a time and would never fight two wars at once. I bet he'd withdraw from the Iraq and Afghanstan so we could better focus our efforts on the real enemy--Dallas.

So please get out and vote on Tuesday. Vote for Tom Coughlin for president he's the only we can win with.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Ingenuitity? Stupidity?

Can we discus the ridiculousness of the tissue paper public toilet seat covers? They are horrible. It takes a near eternity to delicately separate the weird toilet flap thing from the part that is to lie on the seat. Then it inevitably falls into the toilet bowl so you have to do it all over again, as the pressure on your bladder and bowels continues to increase. Let’s face it. This millimeter thick piece of tissue does not protect us from the Syphilis, Tuberculosis, Plague that is living on the seat. Hell it can’t even keep you dry from the pee that was left by the person smart enough to still use the hover technique.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Great Idea

I share a cube with a man who actually observes the tenets of his Jewish faith. I just said good-bye to him this Friday afternoon. He must get home before sun down so he can properly observe the Sabbath. He has missed quite a bit of work lately because of all the holidays he has to participate in. That's when it occurred to me. I need to develop a religion whose major doctrine is that it's followers are only allowed to spend 30 hours a week (including their commute) to a corporate job. (As all other jobs are either covered by unions or people actually want to do them -- like working in a rock band) and then. Let's face it Jesus didn't do carpentry 40 hours a week. Buddha didn't have a day job.

Yes, I will have a religion that prohibits me working too many hours for the man and the man can't do anything about it because I have a right to practice my religion without discrimination. The Labor Movement really went about things the hard way.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Government Bail Out of This Blog

Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever read comedic genius I publish on this blog. It saddens me to think it's just adrift in the void that is the internet. Happiness rejoins my soul when I remember that the NSA is always reading, or at least their computer programs are and if I write something about anarchy in the USA or terrorism, or the Green Party I'm sure an alert will go off and an actual NSA employee will read my words.

I think the NSA people do enjoy this blog. Despite their Hollywood depiction in movies Enemy of the State (where my beloved Gabriel Byrne has a brief role) I believe that people in the NSA are just like you and me. In the hours they're not trampling on our right to privacy (a right Justice Brandies wrote was enumerated in several other amendments 1,3,4,5, and 14) They want to know how to get a man to commit or what kind of gift to buy for the 90th birthday of relative. I'm sure they too have a crazy, best-friend, folks singer with unending love problems and a superhero like boyfriend. And if they don't they enjoy reading stories about such people.

So thank you NSA for giving me reason to keep on posting to this blog. Without you and your surveillance (a word I can’t spell without spell check) work I would have stopped posting long ago.

Monday, October 20, 2008

New Drug Yet Found. Lobbyinst already in Washington to Oppose non-Existent Drug

From the FN** wire.

Cubicle in NYC

According to a article scientist have found a chemical in Voles that may cause love sickness in said animals. Scientists think that the same chemical may also be found in humans after a break-up with a romantic partner causing the same love sickness in the primate. The report also proposed that a possible drug could be created to inhibit the “love sick” chemical from being produced.

In related news the music industry’s top studios formed a coalition to lobby for the prohibition of any such drug’s manufacturing and sale. The music industry that has been in a slump this past decade believes that the elimination of depression due to love would basically wipe them all out of business. “Not only would production of original recordings decrease sharply—possibly all together—who would buy any of our classic artists like Jeff Buckley if the populous doesn’t get to experience self-pity and heart wrenching emotional pain due to the rollercoaster ride we know as love?” Said an un-named music executive Rachael created out of thin air while reading online publications in her cube on Monday. T

The new music industry coalition named S.I.N,G. (Stop Interfering Now God Damn it!) has also pooled it’s executive resources to buy shares in poppy fields, coco farms, and marijuana brushes in a similar effort to keep Americans producing pop music and consuming pop music.

Answering the question why are you making up a news story she asked herself, Rachael replied, “Several reason. First I really don’t want to work on this stupid filing project they have me working on here. Second, I did read that article on the Vole and the possibility of drug – granted I didn’t finish the article—and the idea scared me. I was reminded of Brave New World’s soma. Third, I haven’t had an idea for my blog in a few days and this is the closest thing to a comedic idea I’ve had. If I don’t post my already dwindling bloggership will dwindle even further. And fourth, don’t you agree if there was no heart-ache there’d be a lot less art and a lot less for humans to commune with each other about.”

When asked what about hating your job? Isn’t there a lot of art and human communing done regarding the miseries of working? Rachael admitted, “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

**FN equals fictitious news.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Answer : The Cocoa Plant

Now the newspapers will tell you that the global financial crisis has been caused by unregulated derivatives and greed. But I’m here to set the record straight. We must blame prescription anti-depressants.

See back in the day Wall Street types would self medicate their depression away with good old fashioned cocaine. While high on coke these people would take bold risks with your money, sure. But then they’d come crashing down into a misery of paranoia. A paranoia that balanced out their brash investment strategies and greed.

Now all these people are on prescription meds that even it all out. Meaning they don’t feel guilt, or have anxiety. No anxiety about whether or not they’ll topple the world’s economy. There is no irrational fear that their clients will hunt them down in angry mob with pitch forks and torches for making horrible investment choices. Who can have crazy paranoid delusions when you’re on meds that keep you from having them? How can you feel bad for what you’ve done and what you’re doing when your serotonin levels are always even?

Sure the 1980s saw greed and a bit of market crash that led to a recession in America. But, thanks to cocaine and it’s horrible after effects we didn’t see the calamity we see today.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Our Children Our are Future keep the Poor and Starving

Politicians have this need to present themselves as people from humble, poor, polluted beginnings. Apparently, their experience being poor will make them better in public office. Fine, I guess. Except then they promise a better future for our children. Well, if all our kids do better and don't grow up poor who the hell will we vote for in the future?

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Winter Warning

The financial markets are crashing. The gulf coast is contaminated with oil, the Thai government is under siege by its people. All this chaos is covering up grave threat to Americans and the Northern Hemisphere in general.

As the temperatures begin to drop an old threat rises out of the ashes of summer. The blanket thief. The blanket thieves steal warmth from sleeping innocents. Warmth desperately needed for a good night’s sleep and from staving off pneumonia. As we all know the cold lower’s our body’s defenses that fight off virus and bacteria when we’re left out in the cold by these villains, terrorists of the night, we lame vulnerable to disease like the flu or The Plague.

To counter the lies told by the blanket thieves such as, “I didn’t steal these blankets. You gave them to me in the middle of the night.” Set up a hidden camera in your bedroom with a night vision lens. (If you don’t have the night vision lens you’ll have to sleep with the light on otherwise your proof is really hard to make out. Also check the tape first before you play your secret video camera hand. These bastards are tricky and you’ve got to be a little detailed oriented to catch them.)

You can further protect yourself by tucking in your sheets and blankets nice and tight. This makes it difficult for them to deploy their tuck and roll maneuver where they tuck the blanket under a limb and then viciously and without mercy roll away from you leaving you exposed to the elements. Some blanket thieves are strong and you might revert to gluing your blankets to your bed frame or using a huge rubber band to fasten the bedding to the mattress. The rubber band my cut off circulation to certain body parts, but in war casualties will be suffered. Do not! Nail the blankets to the bed, the thieves will just rip blankets from the nails leaving your linen tattered and not on you.

Finally, propose that we enact tough legislation against these evil doers who want to freeze out our freedom. The only sensible thing to do is execute those convicted of this heinous crime. Or exile them to the equator where there are no blankets for them to steal and we can watch through secret cameras set up at the equator of these monsters going crazy without blankets to steal.

Be safe and god bless.

Friday, October 03, 2008

If You've Seen Jonathan Richman Five Times in Concert You Get My Vote

John McCain doesn't relate to the American people. He's 72 years old and he's looking for a new job. What?! Dude, do the American thing and retire. You're already living in Arizona you're half way there.

But hey I can't vote for either of these fools. I don't relate to them at all. These guys just don't speak to my indie-rock/80's movie referencing life-style. Are they going to assure me when they get into office they'll spend their work day illegally downloading music and quoting the Goonies.

I get it Sarah Palin is a woman, and I am a woman, but she has great hair. I waiting for the day a woman with horribly uncontrolable kinky, curly hair runs for office. That's the woman who will know my pain. Maybe she'll legislate against humidity.

Yeah, perhaps we don't need to relate to these people running for office. We're not electing a drinking buddy. We are hiring a president and vice president for our country. They won't be in the cube next to us 5 days a week listening in on our phone calls and bothering us with stories of their cats. They'll be far away in Washington hopefully being more competent than me.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Is it Meta or is It Crazy?

My best friend Anna came running into the bar last night powered by excitement.

“Rachael, Rachael, I’ve been validated! I’m talented!”
My best friend Anna is a folk singer so I asked, “Did you get a record deal?”
“No, no better.”
“Have you been booked at the Newport Folk Festival?”
“No, shut-up. It’s not like that.”
“You’re going to be on TV?”
“Stop! No.” She paused for second. “TV? How is that validating there are 500 channels out there mostly filled with crap. No, it’s not that. It’s a true testament to my talent as a singer. Boys I once dated still check out my music. Dudes, who want nothing to do with me can’t get enough of my art. Some of them even disguise themselves so that I won’t know they’re watching.”
“This is your validation? Now you’re confident in your abilities as an artist? Not that other people seem to shut up and listen as you play?”
“Rachael, those strangers who shut-up and listen might just be being polite. But what other reason does a dude I had a one night stand with a year ago have to check out my music other than it fucking rocks.”
“My folk music rocks.”
“Wait a minute. Are you talking about that Gary guy who wound up being a tool?”
“Yeah, he’s one of them.”
“Didn’t you write a song about that night?”
“Didn’t he find out you wrote a not-so-flattering song about that night?’
“So maybe he’s checking out your stuff, on the down low, to see if you written anymore stuff about him.”
“What! That’s crazy. Why would I write anything else about him? It was one night a year ago. What would I possibly have to write a song about? A longing, pining, love song of me wanting to rekindle awkward making-out on a couch?”
“I’m just saying.”
“What you’re saying is stupid.”
“Well, you’re writing about it right now.’“No, Rachael, you are. This is your blog. I don’t have a blog. Besides he’s not the only one. I could have sworn I saw another dude from my dating past standing in the back of the music hall with a big hood over his head.”
“A big hood?”
“Yeah like a monk’s hood. I forget what you call those things.”
“And you’re sure this guy in the back wearing a cloak is someone you went out with?”
“I would know his posture anywhere. The point is I’m awesome!”
“The point is your work is very personal and these ego-maniacs are hoping you think of them and write about them still!”
“That’s stupid I haven’t dealt with these people in forever. It’s my music that draws them.”
“Fine. You’re very talented. You’ve been validated. Let's just hope they don't over hear you in this bar screaming about it, and get all self-conscious about being a fan and then you lose them from your fan base.”
“How would they hear me?"
"Maybe they're stalking you?"
"They're not stalking me they're just fans. Normal fans whom I've made-out with."
"Let's hope they don't read my blog in hopes to find out more about you and your music."
"Rachael, if they do we'll never know."