The Answer : The Cocoa Plant

Now the newspapers will tell you that the global financial crisis has been caused by unregulated derivatives and greed. But I’m here to set the record straight. We must blame prescription anti-depressants.

See back in the day Wall Street types would self medicate their depression away with good old fashioned cocaine. While high on coke these people would take bold risks with your money, sure. But then they’d come crashing down into a misery of paranoia. A paranoia that balanced out their brash investment strategies and greed.

Now all these people are on prescription meds that even it all out. Meaning they don’t feel guilt, or have anxiety. No anxiety about whether or not they’ll topple the world’s economy. There is no irrational fear that their clients will hunt them down in angry mob with pitch forks and torches for making horrible investment choices. Who can have crazy paranoid delusions when you’re on meds that keep you from having them? How can you feel bad for what you’ve done and what you’re doing when your serotonin levels are always even?

Sure the 1980s saw greed and a bit of market crash that led to a recession in America. But, thanks to cocaine and it’s horrible after effects we didn’t see the calamity we see today.