Winter Warning

The financial markets are crashing. The gulf coast is contaminated with oil, the Thai government is under siege by its people. All this chaos is covering up grave threat to Americans and the Northern Hemisphere in general.

As the temperatures begin to drop an old threat rises out of the ashes of summer. The blanket thief. The blanket thieves steal warmth from sleeping innocents. Warmth desperately needed for a good night’s sleep and from staving off pneumonia. As we all know the cold lower’s our body’s defenses that fight off virus and bacteria when we’re left out in the cold by these villains, terrorists of the night, we lame vulnerable to disease like the flu or The Plague.

To counter the lies told by the blanket thieves such as, “I didn’t steal these blankets. You gave them to me in the middle of the night.” Set up a hidden camera in your bedroom with a night vision lens. (If you don’t have the night vision lens you’ll have to sleep with the light on otherwise your proof is really hard to make out. Also check the tape first before you play your secret video camera hand. These bastards are tricky and you’ve got to be a little detailed oriented to catch them.)

You can further protect yourself by tucking in your sheets and blankets nice and tight. This makes it difficult for them to deploy their tuck and roll maneuver where they tuck the blanket under a limb and then viciously and without mercy roll away from you leaving you exposed to the elements. Some blanket thieves are strong and you might revert to gluing your blankets to your bed frame or using a huge rubber band to fasten the bedding to the mattress. The rubber band my cut off circulation to certain body parts, but in war casualties will be suffered. Do not! Nail the blankets to the bed, the thieves will just rip blankets from the nails leaving your linen tattered and not on you.

Finally, propose that we enact tough legislation against these evil doers who want to freeze out our freedom. The only sensible thing to do is execute those convicted of this heinous crime. Or exile them to the equator where there are no blankets for them to steal and we can watch through secret cameras set up at the equator of these monsters going crazy without blankets to steal.

Be safe and god bless.