Monday, August 31, 2009

You Don't Need The Sacks

People in the dating advice world like to tell women they shouldn't pursue men. Rather women should just passively wait for a man to pursue her. The main reason is that men find being pursued emasculating. Really? I doubt that. If men really cared about holding on their "junk" they'd make sure there weren't female hormones in their drinking water. They'd protest all night until the hormones in their meat and milk were removed. And men wouldn't drink soy milk.

Friday, August 28, 2009

You Have To Be Some Sort of Bastard

Sadly, Ted Kennedy passed away this week and just like Ronald Reagan before him we are only allowed to say nice things. Perhaps in 10-15 years we'll be allowed to criticizes some policies of these men. Of course, publicly, we'll always have to show respect for the offices and not be too harsh.

US President and US Senator should be held in high esteem? Why? Harry Truman one of my favorite US Presidents was a failure at every profession he tried until he stumbled upon politics and public office. Congress has it fair number of actors counted among its members. Actors! People best known for their ability to wait tables and temp. Most politicians are lawyers. They are lawyers who do to the over saturated market of lawyers can't get other jobs as actual lawyers. Of course these people misspend our tax money, they misspent their graduate school money.

Now dictator is not an esteemed position. In fact when a dictator dies we can curse him the moment he drops dead. We never had to hold our tongues for respect of the dead when Hitler and Mussolini, died. I'm not saying we should. These dudes were responsible for mass atrocities but is that the line. If your policies in public office only amount to thousands dead than we must honor you in death,but once your death toll reaches a million we no longer have to pretend we ever respected you. (Of course the million number is adjusted for inflation of population. I don't know if Ghangis Kan killed a million people but it was a lot relative the population of the world at the time. And he wasn't technically a dictator, but we don't have to respect war lord either, unless of course, their sons take over immediately following the death of their brutal father.)

I'm just saying if you were a schmuck in life we should be able to talk about it when you're dead. If you want to be there to defend yourself out live your critics. (How's that for a health care plan?)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Too Soon?

Senator Charles Schumer of NY said of the late Ted Kennedy, He wouldn't back down from a fight. Schumer is right. Especially if you were a female in he wanted sex from.

Time Machine TV

I have just begun watching "Mad Men" via my Netflix account. For those not familiar with the show here is a brief summary. It's about an advertising company and its employees set in 1960 (well the first season is, each subsequent season is the following year -- so I have read). The white protestant characters bandy about drinking alcohol all day (yes, even when it's day light) and smoke cigarettes even when they're pregnant. Women are openly treated like sex objects and stupid inept subhumans. Black people only exist in menial jobs. The modern day viewer watches and thinks, "Oh my god! I can't believe the world was like this."

I started to think what a TV show made in 2050 about people in 2009 would be like to the contemporaries of the future. Would the viewers be like "Oh my god! I can't believe people actually ate at McDonalds. How crazy they're always supersizing. I'm suprised they can make it from their car to the elevator in the office building without keeling over." "Oh yeah, my mom told me how all the kids were on pychiatric medicines then. How funny." "Can you believe meth wasn't legal. How did they get anything accomplished. Hand me my dentures would you."

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Reasons to Stay in a Relationship

1. Your lease isn't up yet.

2. You would have to start shaving your legs again.

3. You'd be completely alone if you broke up with your boyfriend because you have thrown away all your friends putting all your social eggs in one social basket. Not that those friends were any good anyhow, it's just they would have done in a pinch. A pinch like breaking up with your boyfriend and now needing someone to bowl with.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Everyday is Sunshine

I'm becoming fake and I'm loving it. I wish someone told me how great this was years ago. For those few of a you who are still messing around with sincerity let me tell you fake is so much easier. There is so little effort involved. “Hello, you look great.” There is no “Hello, (pause to notice the state of the person and then comment.) Are you feeling OK.” Al you have to do is say flattering nice things all the time and they don't even have to make sense and people love you for it. “Hello. Wow, you've gotten taller.” “Really? I'm 55.” “I guess it's that amazing posture stacked on top of that terrific smile.” When dealing with comedians I no longer listen to anyone's set I just say they're amazing and funny. It's like a huge weight has been lifted. No more thinking, no more stress from the aftermath of a truthful statement.
It has occurred to me why fat people have a stereo-type of being jolly. I think they're just formerly skinny, fake people. The problem is fake burns so few calories you have to cut down on your food intake or go to a completely fake food diet or taste-delight and non-fat lactose free milk. And it's no wonder thin women are known as skinny bitches. Of course they're bitches how else do they keep off the weight. Observing the truth, stating the truth and then dealing with the aftermath of that truth. You'd have to eat a 2lb steak every night to add some weight to that life style.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

So Don't Get Sick

Why is my post so late in the morning today. Well, I've been on the phone with my health insurance company trying to rectify a billing discrepancy. Let me tell you I am so glad that there isn't a bureaucratic standing between me and my doctor. It's much better to have a cube monkey working for a multi-million dollar corporation be the bridge between me and my doctor.

Insurance companies just want the best for us. That is why they keep us on the phone with their employees for so long. As I sit on the phone watching my cell phone minutes rack up and my phone battery deplete I think of all the things I could be doing with my time right now. And I get angry at myself for going to the doctor. It is then that I resolve to not get sick again.

If it weren't for the benevolent Insurance company wasting my time and threatening to charge me more than they should I would not dedicate myself to a healthier safer lifestyle.

God Bless Big Business.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Schools In Session

The latest rage is pole dancing classes. I guess, now, when a stripper tells you she's putting herself through school it's not bullshit.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

The Nerds Have No Revenge

In high school my friends and I would plan to have senior cut day--just like Ferris Bueller. But we were so nerdy we could never make it materialize. "Oh no, I can't cut Tuesday I have a big calculous test."

"Well, I can't cut Wednesday. I have to hand in my English paper. I'd get it done early but I'm working on my History research paper."

"You guys really, think I'm going to skip Thursday and get a zero for my physics lab?"

and then I'd cry, "You know what guys just forget it!"

Monday, August 03, 2009

If We Made Bank Exec Play Wii We'd Know if They Should be Allowed to Run Investment Banks

Between healthcare, auto company bailouts, and bankers all I hear in the news lately is how we need competition. Competition makes everything better. Competition is awesome. Really? Let's talk about competition.

Today I sit at this computer sore. No I'm not sore from riding my bike 15 miles on Saturday. I'm sore from playing Wii (the video game system). I was challenged to Wii box. I lost all three of matches to three separate people. My loss wasn't from a lack of trying. I have never in all my karate training never punched at the air so hard or so fast as I did playing Wii boxing. All I wanted to do was knock my friends heads off. I failed miserably. I was dumbfounded as I to how I could lose to these three people. It was bullshit. Utter bullshit. I hit my competitive apex. I was on the verge of challenging these three to an actual in reality boxing contest. Then we'd see who the real champion is. I didn't thank god. I wouldn't have felt better punching Melinda in the face. Well, it would have of course, but then seeing her on the floor in a puddle of her own blood her nose all deformend. I would have felt really bad. Victorious but bad.

And that's my point. Yeah, maybe competition leads to a better automobile, but sometimes it just leads to bloody noses, and industrial espionage.

NJ Reaches Milestone for Women's Movement

A couple of days ago the State Prosecutor of NJ announced that 43 women were arrested on drug charges. All the arrested women were in members of a gang. That's right people. NJ doesn't limit it's gang and drug trades to men. NJ is truly and equal opportunity employer. If you are women you can be anything you want to be, whether that be an astronaut or drug Queenpin. And in NJ we're not going to not arrest you just because you're a woman.