Tuesday, September 30, 2008

When Does the 21st Century Arrive

So here I am sitting in a cube at one of the last financial companies left standing. And these barbarians have me arriving at 8am. No. I don't awake at 8am to get here at a more human hour I have to be at my desk at 8am. My question is "Why?" Are we farming? Do we need the day light to harvest the crops? If the sunlight were actually important to their business then I'm sure there'd be a skylight from floor 55 to the lobby. There is no such hole in this electictricity sucking high rise.

I can print documents and answer the phone at anytime of day say like 11am. Yes. Instead of 8-5pm I should be allowed to come in later like 11am. 11am is much more civilized. Start work at 11am. Worki 11am-3pm. 4 hours seems perfect.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Somewhere Between Depressing and Funny

I’m temping again and doing a miserable job of it. I think first to be blamed should be the people who force me to be here at 8am. It’s an ungodly inhumane hour to begin work. I think there might be a good chance I’ll be fired from this one. Yesterday, I was asked to print clear labels and then place those labels on mini post-its. I did it. However, I didn’t line up the labels perfectly and the woman training me stayed late to redo them. My life is failure. At the age of 31 I can not expertly perform kindergarten arts and crafts skills.

I should have become an archeologist. Sure I’d still only be making 20K a year but at least it would have been intellectually engaging. You’re saying. “Rachael, it’s not too late go back to school become an archeologist.” Can I leave the bus stop that is my life and start walking to my destination? You know I’ve been waiting for this comedy/temping bus for a good 40 minutes. It’s hard to pull myself away from the bus stop, because now I have that feeling once I do the bus will come and I’ll be walking for two hours when I could have been on the bus for 35 minutes. My HBO special or extremely cushy office job is just running late and should be here any minute. And, well my feet are tired of standing for 40 minutes. To now have to walk on them for two hours. Oh god.

Let us pray that no-one here google searches me this weekend.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Why Doesn't My Theatre Degree Make Me an Economist

Apparently Wall Street has WMD’s and we need $700 Billion dollars to pay-off Wall Street.

I think the US economic system is amazing. Where else do the workers have to pay their employees money so that the workers keep jobs they don’t want to go to. Not only do we get people to show up to the hells of a cube, factory, or coal mine every day, we get people to invest in these companies that strip them of their humanity with money they need for food and housing. But they get a great return on their forced investment. More hours in a cube, factory or coal mine.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Bread and Football (Baseball too)

Let’s talk NY sports for a minute. 1st let’s take the last Yankee game at Yankee Stadium. After the game, the tears, and the ceremony 12 fans were arrested for attempting to steal parts of the stadium. How dare they?! The old Yankee Stadium wasn’t paid with these tax-payer’s money. The tax payers who paid for the building of the old stadium have died long ago. However, I see no problem if these fans wanted to go across the street to the New Yankee stadium and take a little piece home with them. After all, all of us tax paying New Yorkers including my mother living in NJ have paid a few hundred million to the new stadium. George Steinbrenner and family can’t have us arrested for taking something we bought. I don’t know why we bought it we had a perfectly fine stadium filled with nostalgia, American Lore, and guy wrenching sentiment that is already in the south Bronx not revitalizing the neighborhood. But that’s just the way we tax payers roll. We’re rich, extravagant and love to help those less fortunate than us like the Steinbrenners and the NY Yankees organization. It is apparent that the Yankees need a stadium with fewer seats that cost more money to reserve for a game.

Meanwhile across the river in East Rutherford, NJ the NY Football Giants played their second home game to an average Cincinnati Bengals team. The Giants almost lost the game. Why? For one Eli wasn’t passing very well, but also there wasn’t much fan noise. In American football fan noise is essential in helping the home team win. The noise the fans create makes it difficult for the opposing team to hear each other’s communication wreaking havoc on their game plan and causing penalties. Is that the Giant’s fans are too hung over on a Sunday afternoon to yell, scream, cheer and stomp their feet? Or perhaps the complexion of the fan attending a Giants game has changed.

You see, The Giants and Jets are also building a new stadium right next to their old stadium. The new stadium is going to cost a pretty penny so to raise money the Giants and Jets have raised their prices considerably. First off, you have to pay a few thousand dollars just for the right to buy season tickets. Then tickets are like $100 +/ticket, add on to that a pricey (somewhere around $20-35) for a parking pass per game. Who the hell can afford to go to a game? Plenty of upper middle class and rich people. Now, I don’t have a problem with the upper middle class and rich on an individual basis. I’m not a bigot. Rich people can be just as big of dicks as poor people. However, it’s a known fact that rich people don’t yell in large groups. They only yell in board meetings and at their administrative assistants. Rich people aren’t going to make fools of themselves and be undignified in public they have too much to lose. Where as poor people are poor and all they have to loose is their debt.

Imagine the CEO of some corporation seen on national TV by some of his employees watching at home or at bar (far from ear shot of the visiting team) without his shirt on screaming his head off. Do you think that CEO is going to be respected by his underlings the next day? Mass financial chaos. Or what if a congressman was seen in body paint? People would lose total faith in the democratic process.

People we have a crisis. The economy is going to shit millions will be out of work. When this happened in Rome they gave the proletariat the Collesium and gladiator matches for an affordable fee. This distracted them from the misery and hunger that was their lives. No riots from the poor. In the modern error it’s all screwed up. How are the Giants going to win another Championship if the drunken, raucous, free-spirited, hooligan can not afford to go to the game?

Save professional sports and you save America!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Think It Through, Ladies

So your man hasn't called you in a few days. Is it that he's "just not that into you?" Or is it that he is secretly a superhero and he's got shit to do? I think maybe you should give your man the benefit of the doubt and stop being so selfish. Think about your city. Should your almost boyfriend stop in the middle of his battle with his arch nemesis and super villian to give you a call? I don't know where you think you're going to go on a date if the city is leveled.

I think maybe you should be a little more supportive.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Pardon? Can You Say that Again?

I recently returned from my vacation to Scotland and Ireland. Europe figured to be a great place for a vacation. I thought it'd be empty and there for serene because all the Europeans are now living in Manhattan. Turns out there are still some people living Europe, but that didn't stop the good times.
My first stop was Edinburgh, Scotland. My fiance James and I stayed in a hostel there on the outskirts of town. I know you're thinking, Rachael you're 31 aren't you a little old for a hostel. Not true. I'm very youthful. I live a very young existance. I feel like I'm 22 especially when I look at my paycheck. Also staying in our room was a young Lithuanian couple and 12 other people. I struck up a conversation with the Lithuanians. It turns out they just came from the Highland, which is where James and I were going to stop next. She was nice enough to share her experience with us.
She said in her Lithuanian accent, "Yes, it was very beautiful there. But the midgets were fierce. They just attack you where ever you go?"
Befuddled, I questioned, "What? Midgets? They attack you."
"Oh yes. All the time. They have a real midget problem."
"They have more than one midget?" I've never really heard of a place that had a large population of little people. Midgets are like lepars. They don't have their own colonies. I couldn't fathom any one place having more than 6. Tops.
She continued, "Yes, they're awful and everywhere."
"Wait. I minute. Midgets? M. I. D. G. E. T. S.? Like people who are 4 feet tall?"
"Oh no. " She laughed. "Miggess."
"What the hell is a migge?"
"It's a little black bug."
"Oh. Little bugs not a little people."

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Female Vote

I heard on the news that both the Democratic and Republican campaigns are looking to woo women voters meanwhle the Libertarians, Socialists, and Greens are keeping it bros before hoes.

As a woman I think the Republicans and Democrats both need to do alot more work to get entice those female voters. Now McCain had a decent idea by bringing Sara Palin to his ticket. We all know women will want you more when they see you with another woman. However, that usually only works if the women have had a relationship with you prior to you being seen in public with another lady.
So I'd like to make some suggestions for the Presidential Nominees.
1) Pretend to be gay. Go out there guys and camp it up. Women love a gay man. Women feel they can trust a Gay man because he doesn't want to sleep with her so what he says is pure. Lure your female voters into a false sense of security with a nice pink boa and maybe an airport bathroom incident. After you become president you can act as straight as you want.
2) Break up with female voters. Have yourselves a press conference and tell those female voters, it's just not going to work out. "It's not you gals. It's just that I don't think I can give you what you want. I can't give you education or healthcare. I can't committ to only you. I have big business campaign contributors to falate." Nothing gets a woman pining like a pre-emptive break-up.
3) Take the female voters to dinner. It's an age old practice that has been working for centuries. Obama and McCain stop asking women to pay for your campaign. Stop inviting them to dinners that cost $10,000 a plate and expecting them to pay. You guys have to start picking up the tab.
4) If your desperate put up an online profile and start soliciting women.
5) Lower your standards. Ugly women's vote count just as much as a pretty women.
6) If all else fails pick up a self help book or two. Men are from Mar Women are from Venus is a classic, and of course the new classic "The Pick Up Artist" maybe all you have to do is get a funny hat and insult your female constituency. That might be the best route you're half way there you just need the hat.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Alaska the Ireland of North America

While I was in Ireland the natives frequently asked my opinion on the upcoming US Presidential Election. Most of the Irish that approached me didn't understand why Americans cared that Sara Palin's unwed 17 year old daughter was pregnant. Though, I don't agree with the Irish about Guiness I do agree with them on this one. Her daughter's inablity to use birthcontrol does not make Palin a hypocrite.

Sara Palin would be a hypocrite if at one point sponsored legislation that demanded unwed teenage mothers be executed. And then when her daughter became one she pardoned her. But Sara Palin did not do that. Instead she raised her daughter in Alaska where men out number women a some number to one ensuring her daughter would not graduate high school a virgin. Now that's a mom.