Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'll Answer that Socially Toxic Question

I have decided next time a performer colleague-type, whom I haven't seen in awhile, asks me what I have been up to I will answer, "I just got out of coke rehab." It is a better answer than "not much." Or "I don't know. My life is shit." Admitting to having a coke problem I never had makes me seem like I'm real artist, someone it wasn't scared to go to the edge, someone who was self-destructive like all the great comedians or at least Sam Kinison. Also being in rehab serves as great excuse of why they haven't seen me and why I don't have monetary success, it's not that I got burnt out and fed up with working really hard for little reward. No, of course not. I of course couldn't get on comedian central if I'm cloistered away in a hospital getting my life together.

I think "coke rehab" also a good answer at a job interview. The prospective employer comments, "I see there is the gap in your resume. Can you explain what you were doing during that time?" "I was in rehab." That's a way better answer than the truth, "Um. I don't know if you realized but there has been a recession for the past 3 years. I mean technically we're not in it anymore but unemployment rates are still at 10%. I never really thought of myself as joiner, but this unemployment club seemed like a cool group of folks, so I said why not. But then I don't know. I guess I got hungry so I figured I'd see if I could earn money."

Also when grandma asks why you haven’t come to see her. Just say, "Aw grandma you remember, I had that horrible drug problem, I was in coke rehab. You remember how grandpa was such a drunk? Well I wanted to do better than my parents and grandparents generation so really worked hard so I could afford a way better drug, and I did it grandma, but now, well I'm clean and sober."

Monday, January 24, 2011

Artistic Intentions

This weekend I cleaned my apartment. To aide me in this endeavor I played some music. As I was rocking the soft scrub, the rubber gloves and sponge I wondered is this how Guns and Roses intended their music to be listened to. While Axle Rose and the boys were in the recording studio were they thinking, "Man, this album is going to rock. It's get help motivate people to mop their kitchen floor. We are so bad ass."

Friday, January 21, 2011

Earlier Risers Catch the Worm and Avoid the Labels

I think it's ridiculous that if you have a drink during a week day you'll be labeled an alcoholic. I get it. If you are drinking alcohol from the time you get up in the morning until the time you go to bed everyday or most days that could be a sign of a problem.

But what if the only time you really could fit in a drink is 11am on a Wednesday. Perhaps you bought a Strongbow hard cider a few weeks back and all it's been doing is sitting in your fridge wanting to be imbibed? Now, you've thought of drinking after sundown when you got home from your evening's activities, but when you get home it's too late to sit down and have a big can of cider. You want to go to bed. And you don't want to be awoken in the middle of the night by pressure on your bladder. Or maybe when you get home you get caught in a conversation with your roommate and you forget to have drink it. Or you had a bunch of pineapple juice and seltzers during the early evening hours and now the thought of having a sweet drink at 11:00pm seems sickening.

Drinking at 11am you get your buzz on, peeing doesn't ruin a good night's sleep and by the time you have something important to do you're already sobered up.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

This Just In: Task Force Arrests Wrong Criminals in Economy Debacle

Have you heard the news? The Feds, NJ State Police, NYC police, and some law enforcement group joined forces to arrest the mobsters and members of Mafia crime families. During the press conference a spokesperson for the joint task force mentioned the damage these mobsters did the economy. The spokesperson also mentioned scams these people pulled on citizens with low credit scores, and the siphoning of funds from labor unions. Wait a minute. Does the US Attorney's office have the right guys? This sounds awfully like Wall Street.

1. Ruined the economy? Check
2. Scammed citizens with low credit scores? Can you say subprime mortgages? Can you say mortgage backed securities?
3. Injured labor unions? Well, if you think about how wall street sold state and city governments a bunch of worthless bonds for the past 2-3 decades, and how state and city government took pension funds that were marked for public sector workers who are all unionized, and now state coffers are empty and they can't pay the pensions to public employees, then I'd say, "check."

Our only hope is that the US attorney's office picked up these mobsters on murder and drug charges in effort to get them to testify to the bankers they sell their cocaine to.

The Roethlisberger Conundrum

This coming Sunday the Jets will play Steelers in the AFC championship game. I'm rooting for the Jets. Not because I'm a Jets fan or that I live in NYC, but because I want to see the rapey Roethlisberger go down. (I have heard hearsay evidence that Mark Sanchez's past isn't so clean either, but I'll wait to hold judgement until it gets national press.) I've mentioned this reasoning to several people throughout my travels. It seems that I'm the only woman out there without a rape fantasy. Ick.

First off, if your fantasizing about something then you want it and it can't be rape. Secondly, if I did have a rape fantasy it wouldn't be with Ben Roethlisberger, I'm Giants fan. And thirdly, I don't have rape fantasies. Maybe a cuddle fantasy with Ben Kingsley. He's kind of small I guess I'd be spooning him. Would he be dressed as Ghandi? Or would he be dressed like the villian from Sneakers, with that little, cute poney-tail?

Monday, January 17, 2011

Getting Older

I can feel old age creeping up on me. There are, in my elderly state I no longer have the energy to hover while using a public bathroom. That kind of thing would have never happened in my twenties. I have moments in my 30s where I'm just too tired and weak to care what might be on that toilet seat and how it may adversly effect me.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Be Beautiful Like the Chasm

That's right you too can have a beautiful body like the body of water rushing through the Ausable Chasm, NY.
The Smallhands Ick scientists in our research and development department have hit upon a breakthrough in muscle development.
Have better looking abs in three weeks without going to a gym.
And the best part is it costs you nothing.
Cough your way to better looking abs. All you need is dirty tissue of a coworker or some reason to be in a public school and you can hack hack hack your way to abs of steel.
No more having to find the will power to go to the gym. No need purchasing wacky inventions off late night infomercials. No expensive painful surgery. The best part is the more ice cream you eat the more phlegm your body creates to keep the cough going all day long.
So don't waste the winter months in perfect health sitting on your butt waiting for the snow to melt. Start coughing today and by summer all your friends will be jealous of how great you look in that two piece. You'll have the body to match the beauty your summer vacation.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Sick and Tired of Being Sick

I've been sick for 3 weeks. Finally, today I feel like I'm on my way to true recovery. The whole ordeal was very demoralizing. This scares me, because if I can't handle three weeks of the flu how the hell am I going to deal with cancer?

Granted, when you have cancer doctors hospitalize you at times, but that just means you get visitors. When you have a head cold no one visits you. Everyone fears that they'll catch whatever it is you have. With the flu no one tells you how brave you are that you even showed up to work. They're just pissed you're going to get them sick. “Well, I’d love to stay home guys, really I would but I’m a part time hourly worker, if I don’t show up I don’t get paid, and that Theraflu isn’t going to pay for itself is it.” When you have the flu you have to make your own soup, with cancer the hospital makes you the soup, but it's going to be uneatable. I guess in the case of soup it's a wash. With the flu there are no nurses as you cough and cough and cough in the privacy of your own, lonely bedroom. No. It’s just you and your roommates who are keeping their distance as to not catch it. They trail behind you spraying Lysol. The meds are milder with a respiratory infection, but you can't prescription for marijuana either. And I'll tell you what that day time child's Triaminic messed me up something fierce. I felt nauseas and edgy, I couldn't sleep. Granted if I were in the hospital the Triaminic would have cost me $30.

I understand that my point is a bit muddle. I think in the end it would be nice if people weren't so scared of the common cold and would come over and watch some play off football with you or something because you're too weak to go out. Maybe make you some matzo ball soup, so you don't have to summon the strength with two days of sleeping before you find the will to chop a carrot. The visitors can wear a surgical mask, that's fine. Oh forget it.