I have decided next time a performer colleague-type, whom I haven't seen in awhile, asks me what I have been up to I will answer, "I just got out of coke rehab." It is a better answer than "not much." Or "I don't know. My life is shit." Admitting to having a coke problem I never had makes me seem like I'm real artist, someone it wasn't scared to go to the edge, someone who was self-destructive like all the great comedians or at least Sam Kinison. Also being in rehab serves as great excuse of why they haven't seen me and why I don't have monetary success, it's not that I got burnt out and fed up with working really hard for little reward. No, of course not. I of course couldn't get on comedian central if I'm cloistered away in a hospital getting my life together.
I think "coke rehab" also a good answer at a job interview. The prospective employer comments, "I see there is the gap in your resume. Can you explain what you were doing during that time?" "I was in rehab." That's a way better answer than the truth, "Um. I don't know if you realized but there has been a recession for the past 3 years. I mean technically we're not in it anymore but unemployment rates are still at 10%. I never really thought of myself as joiner, but this unemployment club seemed like a cool group of folks, so I said why not. But then I don't know. I guess I got hungry so I figured I'd see if I could earn money."
Also when grandma asks why you haven’t come to see her. Just say, "Aw grandma you remember, I had that horrible drug problem, I was in coke rehab. You remember how grandpa was such a drunk? Well I wanted to do better than my parents and grandparents generation so really worked hard so I could afford a way better drug, and I did it grandma, but now, well I'm clean and sober."