Thursday, December 23, 2010

If you're bored while traveling for the holiday

You can listen to this week's episode of the Football Laces Podcast. It was another loosey goosey episode. Look right and click.

Enjoy the feast of the 7 fishes.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I'm getting older, you know? I'm at the age where I starting to wonder if Santa Claus is actually real.

Latest episode of football laces is posted. Look to you right and click.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Little Bit of History Repeating

So yesterday I heard a report that Governor Patterson of NY is going to allow fracking in NY State. Fracking for those of you who don't know is a process for extracting natural gas from rock. The gas companies pour a punch of water and chemicals into the rock the pressure it causes pushes the natural gas out, which they capture, and sell to us. I might be wrong about this process a bit, but what I'm right about is that it has polluted water supplies in West Virginia and Pennsalvania among other states. There is a documentary out there that shows people being able to light their tap water on fire while it's pouring out of the faucet.

This reminds me of the story I heard about the Mayans. Supposedly, the ancient Mayan civilization had fallen on hard times. Supposedly they had some powerful god who lived in the lake nearby or something like that. So the Mayans tried to appease the god with human sacrifices that they through into the lake. Unfortunately, the lake was also their water supply for their city. The dead bodies polluted the water supply. I just wonder if back then there were a handful of enviromental Mayans complaining about dropping the sacrifices into the drinking water.

"Listen, high priest, we have to throw the virgins somewhere else the water is killing more of then the sacrifices are saving."
"Oh shut up hippie. This is about jobs. We need jobs, we need favor from the gods. We need our fortunes to change."
"I agree things suck but this just making things worse, everyone is throwing up."
"Do you have any proof that it's the water? We just have to kill more virgins and throw more of them in the drinking water."
"Of course I don't have proof. Mankind won't know about bacteria for hundreds of years. But I have to say that the gods probably wouldn't have dead bodies smell so badly if they wanted us to keep them near us after death. Right?"
"I'm the priest here, shut up."
"You shut up you facist."
"At least i'm not a socialist."
"Yeah if you were a socialist you'd care about the water."
"Yes, definitely the Soviet Union had a great environmental record."
"Fuck you priest. They were communists."
"Listen, chicken little it doesn't even matter, because in 2012 time is going to stop."
"But that's like three thousand years from now."
"My point is we're all going to die, we might as well have some fun with virgins."
"We all sacrificing virgins, but is it worth the intestine problems?"
"For you? Probably not. But I'm high priest I can afford bottled water."
"I can't wait for the Spanish to get here."

Yes, I think it went down just like that.

Friday, December 03, 2010

If Only

The sports new media caught Derek Anderson quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals laughing on the sidelines last week during the game where the Cardinal were getting their butts kicked. Derek was pressed about the laughing by reporters after the game. If only the regular news media had the investigative savvy we might not have thought there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. If only the regular media could show the same moxy as their sports brethren and really ask the hard questions and not let their subject off the hook, maybe a banker would be in jail right now. This is why sports is better than real life.

The new football laces is up. Look to your right and click. It is unscripted and probably the worst one, but it's short. Enjoy.

If you're in DC email me. I'm performing there tonight but don't have venue information.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Holiday Life Lessons

Many people living in NYC did not grow up anywhere near the city. If you listen to these people talk it would seem they came to New York to flee their families and small towns. The transplants talk trash about their relatives as if their relatives thought they were the cats pajamas. Please. Trust me folks your family finds your existence just as mystifying as you find theirs. If your relatives believe in the existence of DNA they don't undertand how you guys share any of the same code.

This is what I have learned having many a Thanksgiving meal away from my actual family: no one tolerates a person more than that person's own family. Members of your family or even yourself could be the biggest douche bag out there, but your each other's douche bag. And sure they'll talk behind your back tell stories about you to their coworkers but in the end you're invited for the holidays year after year. And every year when you start in with the politics or eat all the mashed potatos without ever passing the plate to others, your family rolls its eyes and continues on.

Why? There is some kind of magic that happens when you know a person since that person's birth. Or you know a person since you were born. They know you. They know what they are getting. They may even hate you, but when it comes to family it doesn't matter because we don't know any better. You are you and we are related.

In my case my family knows I'll barely eat anything on Thanksgiving because I'm a pain in the ass when it comes to food. Are they insulted? No. I've always been picky so they just ignore it. My family knows I'll say horribly offensive and insensitive things, which they will argue againsta and call me names, and then we'll go watch football.

But when you are graciously invited to some other family's home it's cauldron of uncomfortableness. "Why are their hard bits of god knows what in these mashed potatos? What is the surprise in brocoli surprise? Really it's ok that everyone under 30 goes on the balcony and smokes up before dinner? Why don't you understand sarcasm? Why are you taking what I say literarlly? Oh god. how I long for my sociopath of a grandfather and my aunt who thinks her dog is a person, and my self-involved cousins who try to be a popular high school clique in the context of family. That's a world I understand."

So this holiday season remember you may not love your family and I'm sure they don't love you, but who cares at least you know what to expect when you're with those people.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


Be Thankful I have new football laces podcast to go along with your mashed potatos and 3 NFL games.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Thanks Government for Looking Out for Me

Big news this week, you know get molested by airport security when traveling by plane. The economists were right the holidays would arrive early this year. If only the U.S. government was concerned with all aspects of our safety. There are people in Pennsylvania who can light their water on fire, people in NJ drink hormones and anti-depressants from their drinking water, people out west have arsenic in theirs. Where are the airport security professionals to molest the household faucets of Americans. Least they can do is x-ray the water supply.

I have advice for terrorists. If you want the US government to stop thwarting your plans to harm US citizens maybe you should give up the homemade bombs and start a global company, preferably dealing in chemicals, but necessarily.

Oh yeah and their is a new football laces podcast up. Look to your right at the sidebar and click the link.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Get Yourself Married, Ladies.

Hey Ladies. Are you having trouble getting your big macho guy to take the next? Is he refusing to marry you?
I have the simple solution just tell him, "You know who doesn't get married? Gays. So are some sort of faggot who can't get married? Real men like Patton are married. Fine be a pansy ass queer and stay single and have anonymous hook-ups at bars. I just hope your parents don't find out."

There you have it question his sexuality and I'm sure he'll come around.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

football laces is up

football laces is up.

Catch me in Cranberry, PA this weekend at the funny bone. I'm opening for someone you've never heard of.

Also I might get around to writing about the new x-ray machines at the airport.

football laces look to your right and click.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Blookd in the Streets

So it was a blood bath on Election Day. Oh wait. No it wasn't. Because we live in Democracy and not military, banana republic, nor do we live in ancient history. In ancient Rome when there was a change of power, that my friends was bloody. (I’m sure it was all violent in Persia and Greece I just have yet to listen to podcasts on the history of those empires.) Back in the day the poor would remain cripplingly poor, but also they'd be raped, slaughtered and all around pillaged. That my friends is a blood bath.

Now no nothing happens when one group seizes power by receiving votes from the 40% of Americans who bother to show up to vote. Democratic cities don’t hoist a donkey banner and fortify their cities only to have the Republicans cut off the supply lines and starve the city out. Nope. No matter who is in power nothing changes for the average American. It’s just the same old same old steady decline of our earning potential and standard of living. Whatever.

Perhaps if our votes counted toward a bloody war where a gruesome death might be our fate if the wrong side wins, perhaps we the people would not be so apathetic in voting and politics. At minimum we should make politicians mud wrestle one another as part of their campaigning. Get some actual violence in this mother fucker. I bet women would start fairing better as a result of the mud wrestling.

So our choices bring back the real violence that accompanied power acquisition or stop with the stupid metaphors of violence.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Big Day. Did You Do Your Part?

It's a big day. It's election day. Now, if you don't like your choices at the polls this year, there is an alternative. For this to work you have to think of the big picture and be ready to realize your dreams years, even decades down the line.

You see today is not only election day but it is the 2nd day after Halloween. Stop into any of your box stores or regular grocery stores and see the huge discounts on bags of candy. This is your first step, stock pile the candy and low low prices. Next, use your home computer (or go to the library if you don't have a computer and your town still has a library) and google search the names of investment bankers, CEO's of evil doing companies, and other nefarious peoples. In your research determine where their offspring go to prep school. Then, wait outside there school and shovel candy into them. Try to get the kids to eat the candy in front of you, as much as they can stomach. Do not let them resell the candy to impoverished children in proximate neighborhoods. Try to ruin the prep school kids dinner. Make them too full to consume vegetables. You must do this everyday of the school year. The point is to ruin their teeth so they won't be attractive enough to be elected or possibly procreate in years to come. Also consuming massive amounts of candy day in and day out for 180 days or so should produce enough health problems that these kids won't be able to run a evil doing investment bank or company. If you die at 33 of hypertension or a heart attack or some diabetic related illness. It's hard to buy and sell politicians when you're dead or in the hospital.

Now is this plan harder than voting? Of course. Does it take more time in your life than voting once a year? Most definitely. But ask yourself this, "Do I have a job? What am I doing with my time?" You could be a superhero and save the world. You could be High Fructose Corn Syrup Man (or Woman) fighting corporate crime one future generation at a time.

Go get 'em America.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Procrastination Bug

It's election season and in some districts some politicians are talking about gay marriage. Now, for those of us who are in the arts we don't get what the big deal is regarding gay adults marrying one another. Artist, as it is widely known, are extremely self involved, so we can't fathom why anyone would care about anyone else's wedding beside their own, or of course mine.

I heard the question raised don't people have more pressing things to concern themselves with other than gay marriage? Examples given were rent, health, job security, home security, and football. And I think that question nails the problem right on the head. Anti-Gay marriage is all about procrastination. You look at your list of of uninviting things to do, like pay your credit card bill, go to the doctor, go to work, clean the bathroom, grocery shop, etc. And you say to yourself, I could get this stuff done or I could watch back to back episodes of The Nanny. Well, that's done I guess It's time to clean the bathroom, ehhh. Maybe I'll just get together with some friends and protest gay marriage. They usually have coffee and donuts. Then when I get home I'll definitely look for a job, and go to the gym.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I'm off to Marry my Friends

No no no. I'm not getting married, I'm conducting the ceremony. If you would like your wedding ceremony I am for hire. You can hear my commercial for this new business on the football laces podcast episode 6. Just posted today. Find the link to your right of here.

And may god bless you.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I think I might run for office

I've been thinking of running for public office in order to get a job. I don't really have any skills for any other industry and going back to school expensive. It's also a gamble. Who knows if there will be any jobs in any profession. But I do love to talk and I can hire aides with the proper training to write legislation. So if you could find it in your heart this November write me in on your ballot. For all or any offices that are open.

Meanwhile episode 5 of Football laces is up. Click to your right.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I'm on the Side of Righteousness

In a couple of weeks I will be presiding over a wedding ceremony. Yes, me-Rachael Parenta, comedian, non-religious, barely spiritual--will be officiating a wedding. This wedding is a special wedding the couple to be wed are big Halloween fans and are to be married October 30th. They are trying to convince their guests to wear costumes. They want the ring barer to be in a bear costume. They plan to sing a song with together, accompanied by a Ukulele after their vows but before they kiss and are presented to the witnesses as newly married. The bride is planning to wear devil horns on her head during the ceremony in honor of Halloween.

This wedding does nothing to the integrity of the institution of marriage because the couple is straight.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Secret to My Unsuccss

I look around me and I see one thing people who doing well for themselves, professionally, have in common. They overcame some horrible addiction. I now people who were complete drunks give up drinking and the next thing you know they're out there succeeding. I have friend who weighed many pounds than she lost all the weight and now life is humming along for her. If only I had screwed up my life in some major way. If I had almost killed myself with some bad choice I could then really take stock of my life and say, "Rachael, this has to stop." When the problem is clear the solution can be found in a book or 12 step program.

Once I almost almost killed myself by climbing out a 3 floor window, but I only broke one bone. I was in the hospital a week maybe a week and half. You don't soul search with a broken ankle. And that my friends is as close as I have come to hitting rock bottom and then turning my life around.

Sure I could go out there start shooting heroin. But, what if I don't get addicted? What if I become one of those functional drug addicts we hear about? Or worse what if it all goes horribly wrong and I just stay addicted or overweight or a drunk or a sex addict, whatever? I guess I really don't have the courage to give my career my all. To gamble.

Well, I guess I'll still mull it over while I'm watching TV and gchatting for the rest of the day. We'll see if I can fit it in, what with all the computer hearts I have to play.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Stay Home! I Love You! Don't Go!

The US declared a travel advisory for Americans traveling to Europe. I believe the warning was something like, "Don't go to Europe now the exchange rate of dollar to euro is awful, you're going to have to stay in hostel. Seriously guys, don't go. You can get Mcdonalds right here at home. You're still going? But why? We need you to spend money here. Please. We love you."

The government likes to keep us scared when election time nears. Unfortunately for the political parties I'm not so scared of terrorists. I'm scared of Cancer. And everywhere I turn I see cancer plotting against me. If I go out into the sun without sunscreen--cancer. If I put sunscreen on--cancer. I have to eat vegetables to avoid cancer unless those vegetables were grown in toxic soil with toxic pesticides--cancer. I didn't eat all the vegetables I cooked so I have to reheat them, oh wait not in that suspicious container. I should go get exercise, oh but not outside cancer is in the air.

All I'm saying is there is what a couple thousand terrorists most aren't that smart, but there are millions of ways of getting cancer and getting cancer is expensive and the treatment is as bad as the disease. I'd rather have a guy with bomb sitting next to me than a guy who is radioactive.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

Football Laces episode is up

Look to your right click on the link if you're interested in football or imaginary sponsors.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Call The Wild. Will It Accept the Charges?

Have you ever been hiking with your boyfriend and just kind of hope that a bob cat comes along and eats your boyfriend? Because it's not like you're going to break-up with him. You don't want to have to worry about if that was the right or wrong decision. What if it turns out after you break up you realize you actually like him. No, no no. That won't do, too much heartache. And you don't want him breaking up with you because rejection sucks. The bob cat in the woods is really the only answer to your relationship problems. This way, you're not dating anymore. You get a couple of excused days off from work, and maybe his father will help with the rent for a month. There is no way is father is contributing any money towards your rent if you guys break up.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Sometimes You Just Have to Try

So for the last two weeks I've been attempting to create a podcast. I was hoping to launch by the first game of the regular NFL season, but since I have absolutely no experience in podcasting my production crew and I had some over runs with cost and time. Not cost.

So here is the first episode of Football Laces a football podcast. It is too be amusing but not yet hysterical. Gentle constructive criticism is welcome, harsh and blunt criticism is not. I'll have a link to the podcast site shortly. For now here is episode 1, "Black Cats, Stepping on Cracks, Breaking the Other Guy's Quarterback."

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

In the Words Of 80s Rock Legends Cinderella

Many of us are still out of work and the cries from the people to government are, "We need jobs. Jobs now!" I think it's kind of funny people are demanding jobs when they never liked the jobs they did have. It's kind of like being in a bad relationship. When you're in one all you do is bitch.

"God I hate my job. Job is so momentous, same thing day in and day out. It's so demanding. It never listens. Where is my me time? We always have to do what the job wants. And God forbid I look at porn?" But then a recession hits and you lose your job, it's as if your job has broken up with you. "No, baby, come back. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry baby. I'll do whatever you want. I'll spend time with you on the weekends. I'll wake up early to be by your side, I'll do it all for a fraction of what I used to do it for. Come on sugar, what you say? It's so cold and lonely here without you. Literarily, it's freezing I can't afford heat with you. "

And when you can't get your old job back you start asking friends to set you up with whatever skank or loser they know. "Do you have an in at McDonalds. I'll fry cook it up. Or I'll go down in the coal mines. I'm desperate. I haven't worked in over a year. The only person to touch my bank account is me."

To summarize, “You don't know what you got until it's gone.”

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sports Update

Mark Sanchez, quarterback for the NY Jets, made the statement "I just told the guys to have fun. We're men playing a kids game." To which sports commentator Mike Francessa said, "I still don't like that. It's too philosophical." Wow. Now, I'm trying to remember which philosopher said that. It wasn't Nietzsche. It was Kant. Oh wait I think it was Mike D. from the philosophical school of the Beastie Boy. Yes, her wrote the treatise on fighting for your right to party. Oh no, or was it that great thinker Cindy Lauper and her ground breaking work on women and just wanting fun. I always get them confused. But yeah, Mike is right you don't want to get too heady in football.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Don't Judge Me by My Cover. It's Dangerous.

So I was on the subway last night. Yes, I was slumming on the mass transit, I had writing and reading to do. I sat in the car with my messenger bag next me. Across from me was a black young sprawling his right leg over nearly half the bench. During our journey a person gets on the train and asks me to move my bag so he can sit. They didn't ask the black guy. Why? because this person was clearly racist and feared talking to a black man. But they see me, a small, white woman and think I'll comply. I moved my bag, let him sit down, and then I stabbed him. I had to prove that stereo-types weren't truth. The sprawling black guy, I think, was on the same page as me because as my victim bled out the black kid started screaming in hysterics, flailing his arms about, and then he fainted.

Yeah, women don't just use poison anymore to get their point across.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

If I Knew Book Burning Was So Popular I Would Have Done it Years Ago.

Some untalented hack down in Florida is getting national press. I even know his name Pastor Jones. The country can't stop talking about him and he hasn't even done anything yet. He plans to burn the Koran. Why does anyone care? I have spent 8 years doing comedy, working hard, writing jokes, rewriting jokes, begging for stage time, suffering through open mics, making tapes of my set, sending out press kits, producing shows and worst of all schmoozing. This yahoo comes along and in days the country knows all about his act, which he hasn't even performed yet.

Who is this man's publicist? How much does this publicist cost? Is it about insulting people? I do that all the time. I wrote a song and made a music video called "Punch a Banker in the Face." Not one word from the press. Not one banker made a death threat or went whining to the media or the cops or to some politician they own. Should I have written the song "Burn a Banker in the Face?" How hard is it to burn a book?  Any asshole can do that. I had to learn how to use Logic Pro to record my song. I had to organize a group of people to come over to my apartment to record the song. This is NYC do you know what people's schedules are like? You can cram a book burning in between back to back Law and Order episodes.  Plus, you don't have to buy anyone beer.
Meanwhile, after i recorded the song I then had to schedule other people to come and be in the video and help me shoot the video. I don't have budget.

And for all my hard work what has it gotten me? I get to perform in the Village tonight for two maybe three of my relatives. If I just went to Roshashana dinner I could have performed for more of them and gotten dinner. So if you're not busy, but of course you are, I'll be at the Zinc Bar on w. 3rd street at 8pm tonight. If that doesn't interest you what if I promise to burn the by laws of Goldman Sachs while I'm on stage. Hey that has to violate a fire code or something. Did I mention I'm a minister?

Oh and I'm sure the Rev Jones doesn't proof read either.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Labor Day Traditions

Yesterday, I spent my Labor Day in the traditional manner. I woke up around noon and went down to an exclusive country club, where I captured me one of those big wig, fat cat CEOs. I always hope to get an owner of a coal mine or a big investment bank, but those devils are slippery and you have to take what you can get--similar to a job, a guess. After I get a CEO I drag him/her on down to the arts center where the kids are waiting for me for their Labor Day fun arts project. Some years we bronze our trophy. Some years we just build a canoe and tie him/her to the mast and set sail on the nearest body of water. Tying a human being to a mast of canoe teaches children all types of science and math lessons. Canoes don't normally have masts, and if they were to have a mast they don't normally have the added weight of grown human tied to it. Therefore, design is important. But most years we just have the children cover the captive in paper mache`. The kids love painting the business tycoon in fabulous colors. Then we bring him/her down to the AFL-CIO Labor Day Picnic and let the union guys and gals have fun with the humongous pinata. The funniest part is when a person falls out of the pinata instead of candy and the laborers have this horrible look of disappointment on their faces. But, before they can start picketing the kids and I start handing out beers and Hershey bars.

Ah yes, Labor Day is so much fun. I love America!

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Contracts Don't Do it.

I know the six readers I have these days are not sports fans, but well, I have to be me. Many in the NYC metro area who do follow sports are upset at the Jets and their cornerback Darrell Revis for not finalizing a new contract. I say wait a minute. Has it occurred to any of you that perhaps both parties are being smart seeing as how we're in a Mercury retrograde right now. And as any astrologer will tell you a Mercury retrograde is no time to be signing contracts. It's a time for reflection, for editting (don't worry I won't let that get me started) and research. I've been told by countless astrologers that contracts entered into during a Mercury retrograde are regretted once Mercury goes direct.

Unfortunately Mercury doesn't go direct until September 12th which is the first day of the 2010 NFL season. Good news is that the Jets don't play until Monday night September 13th. So maybe they can get the contract done Monday morning before the game starts Monday night.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Virginia Slims

This past weekend I performed at a show where the host was a gay, Arab-American. He told the audience that when he goes to the airport he really "gays" it up to avoid being taken out of line and questioned before boarding the plane. I thought to myself wow, the Gay Civil Rights movement has really come a long way. Homophobia is nowhere near Arabphobia. Americans rather be judged on what they are wearing on the plane by the person next to them than sit there thinking they might have to be a hero because all they want to do is watch "Meet The Fockers 4" and take a nap. You've really made it, ladies.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Not All Lies Are Created Equally

I heard on news radio last night that upon further inspection of the chicken coops producing the tainted eggs was grotesque. Rodent holes, sick chickens ranging free while the other chickens are trapped in cages unable to flee the sick chickens, chickens living in their own filth. I thought to myself too bad the CEO of the egg company hadn't lied to congress about steroid use. If only the CEO of BP had suspiciously passed Hank Aaron's home run record this summer.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Maybe It's What You Do Not Who You Are

Last week in NYC a man allegedly got in a cab, made offensive, anti-Muslim remarks, and then attacked the cab driver with a knife. I wonder if this is what really happened. I propose the dude attacked the cab driver because the cab driver is a cab driver and we know how those people are. I think it went something like this. The assailant was riding his bike down 2nd avenue when the cab driver cut the assailant off forcing him into a car. This of course not being the first time our assailant was almost killed by a cab while riding his bike, so now he's pissed. He finds his balance and chases down the cab driver. Filled with rage, and perhaps concussed from his encounter with the park car (which is why the cops thought he was drunk) he stabs and slashes the cab driver.

The cab driver being a cab driver doesn't want to take responsibility for his reckless driving makes up this defamation story. Why wouldn't some crazed white person attack a Muslim for merely being Muslim? Look how crazed some in the city are over some Islamic Community center. However, there is a big hole in his story. The white guy started talking shit about Ramadan. Really? And white people who aren't Muslims have actually ever heard of this holiday? Yes, racists and bigots are just so multi-cultural and knowledgeable. Please. Nice try, Menace to Our Roads.

You wonder if this is how it happened, where is the white dude's bike? Simple it was stolen when he got off the bike to attack the cabby. Bike thieves are everywhere which is why the guy was carrying a knife to begin with. You never know when you are going to happen upon someone chiseling away at your bike lock and of course if you catch someone in the act of stealing your bike you must stab him/her until he/she is dead dead dead.

I'm just saying if the guy wanted to stab a Muslim why wouldn't he just wait outside a mosque and follow the weakest one home?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Sporting News

There are big sports stories in the news these past couple of weeks. The first story is of course Roger Clemens being indicted on perjury charges. I guess congress thinks the dude took steroids. Many from the public are up in arms about Roger's use. One argument goes something like, "What kind of role model are you for children, Roger? Now student athletes are going to use steroids. Think about the children." I would be all behind this argument if parents seemed to give a shit that the cows they feed their children are also on performance enhancing drugs. The milk served with cookies comes from cows that cheat. Why hasn't Bessie been brought before the some house subcommittee and grilled? (Pardon the pun.) What kind of example does she set for farm animals all over America? Hell, the chickens have already started on them as well. And let's not forget the water supply. Yes, the water supply once thought to be the Ken Griffey Jr. of substances we ingest is filled with hormones and other crap that may or may not enhance the performance of water. There is water in Pennsylvania that you can light on fire, yes it's quite a spectacle and boy does it rake in the money, but what about the purity of the game.

And, when Bessie uses performing enhancing drugs, unlike Roger Clemens, it is almost certain that your kids will do them. Just look your 9 year old son has breasts. Great he has a head start on his tranny prostitute career. But shouldn't he have a childhood first? He has his whole life to be a tranny prostitute or a chick with a dick.


Meanhwile the Jets have yet to renegotiate their star corner back's, Darrell Revis, contract. First, all Revis you have a contract you are invoilation of it by not reporting to practice. I think maybe Darrell should have read watched more Oprah and learned to think more positively of himself. If he had he would have thought himself a winner from day one and demanded to be paid like a winner. When will men stop fearing TV for women? They could learn so much. Secondly, why is it the very wealthy who refuse to take a wage cut. US wages have been stagnating for 30 years now yet the owners of the Jets (and the rest of the NFL ownership) refuse to take a pay cut. Just pay your corner back his money and sell one of your yahts or planes. It's a recession we all have to tighten our belts and you should not be an exception.

Speaking of rich people not wanting to spend the massive amounts of money they have what's the deal with Jets and Giants forcing their fans to pay of a new stadium none of them asked for. I never heard anyone complain about the old stadium, yes they complained frequently about the players that played in them but not the stadium itself. So why don't you guys just pay of your own stadium? You wanted it. I want to go to Peru I'm not going to get someone to pay for my Peru vacation. If that means owenership has to move from some mansion or penthouse in an exclusive neighborhood to Newark, NJ well, as the working in this country know sacfrices have to be made. And to the fans who paid for those personal seat liscences I think you might have a sports addiction. However, I hope you can make all that money back this season by successfully handi-capping the games.

Monday, August 09, 2010

I can't spell his name but he's still a dick

This morning I heard that the president of Iran Ahmed Yadda Yadda A Jan has decided to ban some rock and roll like Pink Floyd. Just like a baby boomer. You know mister ant-free speech there has been music written after 1975. So now Iranian living in Canada are protesting by playing Pink Floyd's dark side of the moon. Couldn't the president ban some lesser known artists like the Apples in Stereo? Those guys could use the publicity. Next he'll ban the Jackson 5. Not Michael the solo artist because that happened after baby boomers started having his own kids. The man is no better than Bill Clinton with his unnecessary publicity of Fleetwood Mac.

It turns out that no matter what country you live in
baby boomers are all the same, musically self-involved wind bags. All I have to say is that Sonic Youth's bassist and guitarist got together in the1980s and not only are they still married their relationship didn't ruin the band. I don't think Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks can say the same thing.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

My Mind Is All Powerful

It was a amazing the other day I had to drive from Brooklyn to NJ. I was hoping to get to NJ in time to buy a sandwich from my favorite sandwich shop. Unfortunately, the sandwich shop closes at 3pm. The clock on my dresser showed that it was 1:30pm. I knew there was no way I was going to make it in time. I was sad, but headed out the door anyway, as I had other business in NJ to attend to. The eggplant sandwich is good but not so good that I would be traveling all the way to Parsipanny just for the sandwich. I had the slimmest of hope that maybe I'd get there with enough time. Those hopes were quickly dashed as I drove towards the light of NJ through the Holland Tunnel. Bam! Traffic. Bad awful traffic.

It was then that I realized I was a magical wizard. If I had truly believed in my heart that I could make it to an Eggplant sandwich there would have been no traffic. My negative thoughts created construction or an accident for some poor sap. My negativity was able to change matter. If I had though positively all the people who live in the most densely populated state in the country would have evaporated from existence.

I love being a magical powerful wizard. I will now will my tomato plants to produce more tomatoes.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Women Have Ruined the World

Financial crisis. Oil spills. Dumb ass wars. Even dumber ass politicians. Why?

Simple women have long been sleeping with the wrong men. Yes, the theme for most romantic comedies is actually the reason the world is the shit whole it has become. If women looked at all those douche bag CEO's and said, "Eww." The same way women say "Eww" to homeless men hitting on them, the world would be a better place. What a different world it would be if women looked at a man who doesn't put in place needed safety regulations the same way she looks at a dude who mows lawns we'd be a better society. If you can't get laid you're not going to stop the behavior that is infringing on your sex life. That or you'll kill yourself. Either way America wins.

Start giving it up to men who do charitable works. Start opening your legs to those who call you back when they say they're calling you back. Start ignoring people who trade in derivatives. Please keep dating really attractive guys. Stop dating ugly ones just because he's rich. Oh and when you yourself embark on a career stop acting like the socio-paths you've married.

If women had better taste in men, the world would be cleaner and fairer.

Friday, July 30, 2010

"The Givvies"

What if the world was just made up of non-ambitious, lazy people? Would that be paradise? I think it might, well almost. There world would not be tidy. Things would be strewn all over the place and their probably be human waste in our water supply as a lazy person would not walk the extra yards to keep the water clean. But look at what ambitious competitve people have put in our water supply (hormones, meds, industrial waste etc).

The lazy may never invent anything or move society along with so called progress, but a inhabited by the lazy would never see geonicide. "What? Kill all those others from some foriegn tribe. Maybe tomorrow. Right now i'm pretty happy lounging under this tree. Why don't you find your own tree to go lounge under? If you don't move I'll have to slit your throat. Ahh I guess not, my knife is all the way over there somewhere. Who knows where it is. I didn't put away last time I held it and thought of using it."

I think we should honor the lazy in this world. We could give them an award "Give-ups" (known as "The Givvies" because saying the whole thing is too much effort) for those who have shown excellence in not doing much of anything. I know in this highly competitive world the laziest of us are not helping reign in the most ambitious and ruthless of us, but if we all were like them maybe the world would be a better place and for that I salute you. Have a Givvie. You deserve it. You never invented the combustible engine or napalm--good show.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

More Parenting Questions to Resolve

So say you decide to have the kids. Do you move to a town with a good school system, or even better mortgage your future on highly ranked, very competitive private school? I say you move to a really, notoriously bad school district. You take the money you save on rent (or housing prices if you choose to buy) and get your kid a tutor (and hell you probably could get those tutors for free. Look at where you live). When your kids has great SAT scores and amazing GPA coming out of this horrible school district just watch the accolades and the scholarships roll in. Think of the self confidence your kids will exhibit knowing they are so far superior to their classmates. And because of the tutors they'll know all the stuff that the kids from Dalton know, but your kids won't be ravaged psychologically by growing up with cut throat competition. And speaking of cutting throats your kid will have street smarts. Your kids will probably know how to wield a knife and file the numbers off a gun. So if one of the Dalton kids start getting in your kids' face while at Yale your kids will be able to handle it, bad school district style. And what? Is the Dalton kid's parents going to sue? Sue for what you're from one of the shittiest places in America.

You want your kids to have a chance in this world you have two choices, one is full of stress and competition, and debt. The other is full of cheap housing, a bit of pollution and gang violence, but expectations set so low FDR could hurdle them.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

To Breed of Not To Breed?

In the modern era many of us actually decide whether or not to have kids, as opposed to just having them. We way the pros and cons. We think about the costs of raising kids, the time commitment, and possibly moving to a better school district. And of course we think about raising kids with the knowledge a global war over water and food supplies will probably occur in our offspring's life time.

It's this last question that is not as clear cut as the first three-- either you have the money or you don't, same with time, and do you really want to live in Greenwhich, Ct? But the inevitable war is more complicated. Do you want to have a child just to watch him/her die in a ruthless anarchistic war between the haves and have nots? Or do you have the kids knowing that by the time the war comes you will be old and somewhat feeble and need your youthful children to protect you or seize water and food for you? Then of course you have to consider will the conditions be so bad that your children won't help you. That helping you would compromise their own survival. How heart broken would you be to watch your own children betray you after you moved to boring ass Greenwhich, CT for them. Are those the type of ethics they teach up in that public school system? Nevermind that fact that you are going to starve to death or be eaten alive by crazy cannibals, hopefully those cannibals won't be your own children.

So do you have children and take the chance they'll leave you to die and all that money and time spent on them will have been for naught? Or do you just enjoy yourself now and start stockpiling water and weapons? Or do you first take psychology classes to learn how to successfully manipulate your children so that they will fight to death for your survival?

It is a tough question to answer. Similar to whether or not one should go to grad school.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Who's Ready?

As it is nowhere near Election time, we haven't even hit preseason football yet, I figured I join in with the mass media, and put my two cents in on the upcoming midseason elections. Many from the voting public think we need fewer lawyers in Congress and more business people. Now, I hate lawyers as much as the next person, I have worked for lawyers they're assholes. Lawyers seem to lack knowledge in people skills and social decency. But you know what lawyers do know law. And that's what Congress does they write laws. However, the argument is that government is inefficient and so we need to elect someone from the business world because business gets things done. Umm. I think what has happened is we have been out of work too long. I think we have forgotten how businesses work. Have any of you ever tried ordering office supplies? I have been hired to temp for years. I have been hired by these so called efficient companies to replace their full time employees, on a temporary basis, to basically check my email, gchat, plan a trip to Ireland and Scotland. Once I worked for a private hospital for a month and sat in a cube and rewrote a full length play. Do the people I replace work? If so then who is doing their job when I’m there? If they do work but others can do their job too why is the person hired? Or if they don’t work why were they ever hired? And please don’t stop hiring me or them we need money.
My other job (corporate mover, where I and others move employees of corporation from one location to another, sometimes just across the cube aisle—yes you definitely needed to hire three separate subcontracting firms for this –and again keep doing it I need the money.) Big organizations whether public or private are like Andre the Giant and don't move swiftly or with any efficiency. They need a like 4000 calories a day to do the same things we do on 2000 calories a day. Small things like Jackie Chan move with great efficacy. So basically I'm saying, Jackie Chan for congress in 2010. Or you know how about an accountant. Granted not great public speakers but they are pretty good at balancing the books.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Country vs. City

There are many things that city has going for it, such as being able to buy prepared food at 3am. But when it comes to the transporation the country has the advantage. Not that I'm a proponent for being stuck in one's car all day to get everywhere. However, when driving in your car if you pass someone you know you just honk and wave and go on your way to the work while reading your book and avoiding hitting school children. In the city no such luck. If you run into someone on your way to work you are taking the subway or the bus. Which means no reading for you. No listening to the podcast of Roman History, no sleeping. Because now you have to talk to this person until one of you reaches their stop. The sad part is neither one of you really wants to give up their commute time to talk to the other (it's not like one of you is desperate to run into a random acquaintance. It's not like you're stalking this person.). Social mores require you come up with conversation for your entire journey that could be nearly an hour depending on when you run into the person and how far you're traveling. God help you if you're traveling 8 miles to your destination that's an hour without the wait time in a city.

I feel city folk should adopt this new greeting to people they know when on the subway or bus. "Hi, I know you and glad we bumped into each other. I now feel connected to a community in this god forsaken place that is lonelier than the artic in a crazy irony. However, I would like to read the book I just overpaid for and perhaps write in my journal, maybe watch something on my ipod and finish my 9 mile commute with a nap. Please don't take my lack of wanting to chat personally, I think you're a fine person I just rather spend my commute time with non-human objects. if I were only going 3 stops I'd totally chat with you for the 10 minutes but we'll be crosssing over a body of water where we'll be stuck for train traffic ahead for a good 20 minutes before we resume moving. I just rather do other things than watch you feign interest.
You understand."

Thursday, July 01, 2010

See Live Comedy. Save a Nation.

Here is some world history. Prior to Adolph Hitler becoming the leader of Nazi Germany he was a painter. Unable to make a living at painting he turned to dictatorship. Before Fidel Castro ran Cuba he played professional baseball. Unfortunately, he never made it to the major leagues. Yes, the United States of America's major league baseball organization. So embittered by his crushed dreams he turned to communism.

These stories teach us two things. One, it's easier to become a dictator than to make a living doing something that you love. And two, if you want to fight Communism and Fascism maybe as a world society we shouldn't make it so hard for people to realize their artistic and sports career goals. What I'm saying is you people better start supporting my endeavors or I might have to take over a country and bend its people to my will. That country could be yours.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I think All You Need is G.E.D.

How stupid is the former General Stanley McCrystal? He was forced to resign because of some stupid shit he said in a magazine. How can he a 4 star general be less intelligent than the basic professional ball player. I mean, Derek Jeter didn't even go to college. You'd never catch him talking shit about the Steinbrenners. Even if George or Hal decided that the NY Yankees would now be playing ball in kilts and eye-patches. All Derek would say, is I'm just trying to go out there and win.

All the general had to say was, "It's a team effort, I couldn't be spending billions of tax dollars without the help of huge, multinational, conglomomorates who make the equipment we use. And let's not forget about the men and women on the field who sacrafice so much. It's not about me and my statistics. It's about winning. We have to take it one day at a time. One game at a time. In the end war is simple. You try to kill the enemy and have them not kill you. I'll know we have succeeded when we are wearing our championship rings."


Oh and I have new election reform. Since waterboarding isn't torture and just a investigative tactic how about we subject all politicians seeking elected office to waterboarding. Then we can question them on what they really believe. Then we'll finally know the truth. It might be slightly unpleasant for those people, but I'm sure they don't like having to go around talking to the unwashed masses, kissing babies, and begging for financing.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Insult. You are the Insult.

The word tourist is frequently used as a slur, such as "You look like a tourist, " or "That venue is touristy," or "Stupid, friggin tourists I hate them!"

I don't know why being a tourist is a negative. Do people really think, "Eww tourist. How stupid you are with your curiosity of foriegn places and love of seeing the world. how gross your desire is of new experiences. Why can't you be more like us who lve here in our stylish, constrictive (and culturally appropriate) clothing that hampers our ability to ambulate. You tourists are such idiots with your needs of maps and having to ask directions can you be any more dumb or dependent? If you were just like us who will live and die in the place we were born you would know your way around and wouldn't have to be lost. And stop taking pictures of random historical things. You're like a child with your excitement. Your awe is over a landmark our teenagers smash beer bottles over. So sad little tourist."

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

This past weekend I watched someone accuse my best friend Anna of hating herself. Man, did she get all up in his grill. "I don't hate myself. I love myself. I'm awesome. I'm actually a sort of genius. No, my friend. I hate life. Life is not showing me the respect that I deserve especially because I'm so awesome. Life continues to suck which is not appropriate for someone such as myself. I am good, life is bad."

If only we all could have that kind of self esteem.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Accountability with An Abacus Is Going to Take Time

Now I hate teachers as much as the next American citizen. Who wouldn’t? We spend 13 years (if you count kindergarten) with these people. And what do they do. They yell at us. They make us sit down. They play favorites; they don't let you chew gum. They call your parents when you defend yourself against their wrath. They suck I get it.

At the same time why are we demanding they be accountable for their job performance. The argument is that rest of us are. Umm. Really? I don't see anyone getting fired at BP or Halliburton, or anyone at the Minerals Management Service. OK the last one wasn't fair those guys are really good at sex and procuring drugs. But how many CEO's have been fired from big investment banks? Like two and they have both been rehired somewhere else in the same industry.

And it's not just rich douche bags who ruin our lives in dramatically catastrophic ways, but it's also the people who ruin our lives one hour at a time. Have you ever bought something at store? Have you ever dealt with the cable company or the phone company?

Let's face it people we all are horrible at our jobs, because just like teaching working sucks. We're not happy to be there we are forced to be there just like we were forced to sit still as children in public school.

All I'm saying is don't let our blind hatred for those tyrants who ruined our youth to have us rewrite the present. No one is accountable for the job results.

Monday, June 14, 2010


Alright. America has an obsesity problem. What to do. Easy make America smaller. The reason our country is fat is because we can be. We have the room to spread out. The Japanese not so much room and therefore they are skinnier and shorter. If we close in the borders of our courntry and make the houses and apartments smaller you'll see the people get smaller. It's the vast room we have here that allows us to be fat. People think those who reside in NYC are skinnier then the rest of the country because they walk. No. They live in tiny tiny apartments. You have to be able to fit into your expensive studio. What's the point of having an apartment if you have to sleep in central park?

Don't worry America diet and exercise is not the answer we all just have to move to rhode island and BAM! Skinniness is ours.

Friday, June 11, 2010

All The Single Ladies.

I finally realized it's hopeless. Sandra Bullock is beautiful and successful. She can't find a decent man. How is someone who hates wearing dresses and make-up, and is just making ends meet, going to meet a winner?

Monday, June 07, 2010

Unemployment is Still Pretty Bad

Here's an economic indicator there are record number of people running for office in NJ. It seems congress's inablity to do anything about the economic crisis is coming home to roost in NJ. Many people who have lost their jobs are having trouble finding new ones. A number of them feel going into politics is the easist solution. Unlike other industries politics doesn't require retraining or any type of new degrees or certificates. All you have to do is get out of the house and collect enough signatures to get your name on the ballot. The best part is the opportunity for exercise and money saved on gas that collecting signatures provides, as the job is best done while walking. Then there is the mental stimulus of creating a web page and coming up with a political platform. Normally the unemployed spend their hours researching job openings and mailing off resumes, interspersed of course with viewing home recordings of cats, all of which can be intellectually tedius and let's face it boring.

Unfortunately, politics is similar to all other industries during this economic downturn congress, the executive branch, and judicial branch aren't hiring more people just different ones. So if an unemployed person does win a seat in congress it means that the guy who had a congress job will soon be on the unemployment line watching cat videos.

Alright employed people also watch cat videos.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

A lot Competiton on Defensive End

There are many economists and politicians who like to espouse that free market competition is the best thing ever! These people we need competition for a healthy economy and a healthy nation. Perhaps. I don't know. What I do know is about sports and about children (sure I'm not good with kids but working with them 9 hours a week for six months you get to know them.)

Have you ever seen kids compete? I have. Because I make them do relay races in an effort to tire them out so I don't have to hear how bored they are. Also relay races are easy to explain than the improvisational concept of "yes and." You know what these kids do in a relay race? They cheat. They half-ass their duck walks, they don't do the requisite push-ups, and they run instead of skip. They don't care about integrity they just want to win. Sometimes I give incentives to winning like "The losing team has to do 10 push-ups" or "The winning team gets clean the desks with dangerous spray chemicals." (Hey kids love cleaning.) But even if I don't give an incentive these kids still cheat to win. Does that sound like any company you know that might have had it's mine collapse on 23 of its employees or a company that puts estrogen in the source of our drinking water?

Next you have sports. Unlike children I love sports. Recently the NY Giants drafted something like three defensive ends. They already have like 20 defensive ends. They're hoping to get the best out of the defensive ends they have by creating competition with the rookies. You know what happened the veterans began to pout. One is pretending he has a hip problem. Yeah. One might say they're acting like children.

Meanwhile, around the league-- oh hell in all of professional sports from cycling to baseball to curling-- professional athletes use steroids. The problem with steroids is that no one really knows the long term effects of steroids on the human body because those studies aren't really allowed funding. Despite the lack of information these people take all kinds of steroids and performing enhancing drugs even though they don't know what will happen to their own body. Why? Because they want to win and sign big contracts and endorsement deals. So if a person, who is a professional competitor, doesn't care about what happens to his/her body why would some entity like BP or Goldman Sachs care what happens to you? Or even to their shareholders.

Now, I'm not writing that I don't love freedom and want to see it ended, on the contrary, I love freedom. I hate people telling me what to do. Like that stupid crossing-guard at the school. She tells me I can't park my bike on the side of the street where the school is located. Why? Because the children may trip. You’re kidding me. I'm not parking my bike on the steps of the school, It’ll be locked to street sign. If the kids trip on my bike it’ll be because they walked into a street sign. The real reason the children will trip is because they're uncoordinated, little blobs who can't tie their shoes. Ridiculous.

What I am saying is that just like baseball players corporations should be made to pee in a cup. But unlike baseball the test results shouldn't be easy to fake. AND! I shouldn't have to pee in a cup because I do not play defensive end (I’m just a smidge too small) or pour toxins into drinking water.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

One Day I'll be a Crazy Old Person

Several decades from now, if I haven't killed myself with my mass consumption of butter, I'll be an old lady telling a room full of one-eyed, autistic children how in my day slick mammals swam through the sea. We called them dolphins. They were like fish except they were warm blooded and really smart. Some people could talk to them and they helped the Navy fight against nuclear missiles. Little deformed children would look at me and emotionally inappropriately scream at me, "LIAR! Rar."

I'd tell them no. I'm not a liar. This was way back when, when I was a young woman. Back when most people had two eyes, humans looked pretty much the same with the same number of toes, fingers, heads and what not, and people could empathise with each other.

The children would start banging their heads on the floor and start crying, "Dolphins, no. Wierdo. Dolphins lie, raaar!" And that's when I'd realize that unicorns must have existed at some point, we probably just hunted them out of existence. I'd get up from the group of children and head to the drugstore. I'd have come down with a little case of the cancer and I need to get some Bayer over the counter "Cancer b Gone."

The children will think I'm crazy but i'll know that dolphins once swam in the sea and they slept with a half a brain at a time so they wouldn't drown.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My Open Thank You Letter

Dear BP,

I'd like to thank you whole heartedly for doing what I by law am not allowed to do, name punish the annoying children I deal with daily. You see, BP, I like you have made some poor judgements. I decided, despite a normally functioning intellect, to pursue a career in "the arts." By doing so I've had to take a number of stupid low paying jobs. Most recently, I have acted as an after-school, arts teacher for young children. Children, most of whom are horrible. They hit each other say horrible things to one another, they have no intellectual curiosity, they are undisciplined just miserable.

Unfortunately my hands are tied by the law in ways I can punish the kids or get them to listen. I'm not allowed to hit them, call them names, send them to the corner, make them do push-up (which by the way is good for them), I can't shoot them. Nothing. So thank you, BP, because now these little fuckers will never know the joys of going to the beach for recreation. They won't be able to go swim in the ocean or eat fish, or sun bathe on the sands of the Atlantic or Gulf Coasts.

I of course will miss my time at the beach now that your oil that has spilled into the ocean has started journeying on the loop current. But, I have had 32 years going to the beach, I even have pictures that I can use to jog my memory when old age hits or when brain damage sets in from the random chemicals I have injested.

Soon beaches all up the Atlantic coast will be ruined and these kids will finally be punished. Bravo. Well done. You should be applauded and awarded by all those who have to watch others' children.


Hoping to die of a heart attack before the cancer gets me.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A New Angle on the Same Supposition

So what's wrong with this country? Why are we in the shitter? Simple. We're a nation of immigrants.

You see what are immigrants but people who left their struggling, oppressed communities to make it for themselves. "Yeah the British really are sticking it to us with the potato famine, good luck with supposed friends and family, I'm on the next ship out of here! Of course I'll write, suckers!"
"Wow, you're right, uncle Sergio, this Italian government of ours is really corrupt. Yeah, you should definitely stick around and try to reform it so all Italian people may one day prosper. Me? I'm going to America. I'll send money back for the cause. Later, sap!"

You get the picture. People who couldn't cut it or people who felt no sense of family obligation or sense of community. My point immigrants suck.

Now, unlike most artist I actually have a solution. We all get sent back to our countries of origin. Of course for many of us who are interbred this is a minor problem. But all we have to do is come up with a way to seperate out our varying ethnic genes and/or draw and quarter ourselves and then figure out a way to make the independent pieces of ourselves to live whole lives where we came from. Then no more sociopathic immigrants ruining it for the 3 Native Americans left and the spotted owl.

Don't say I never did anything for humanity.

Monday, May 17, 2010

United We Eat

There is so much talk about our differences in this country: Red state vs Blue, City vs Rural, Gay vs Straight, Stupid vs Me. Enough already. I believe there is something we can all get behind that is fried dough. Everywhere in America fried dough is consumed, whether you call it funnel cake, zepoli, elephant ears or simply fried dough. It's a food even vegetarians can eat if it's fried in corn oil instead of lard. It's eaten by the Kosher keepers and the Hallal diners. It's eaten by blacks and whites, short people and tall people. Hell even dumb ass vegans can eat it (you can make dough without eggs).

Yes, my fellow Americans we are one people. A group of people who love their dough fried and coated in sugar and that is the sweetest thing of all.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Ruby Ridge 'em!

I don't know if you guys have heard but there is this huge oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. Apparently, an oil well has gone awry and BP oil company can't stop it from spewing enviromentally unfriendly oil into our waters. According to some reports, such as the NY Times, the regulators told the oil companies and their subcontractors to make the oil well safer. The oil companies said, "Oh don't worry about it. What we have in place will be fine. An oil spill is soooo unlikely." And the regulators were like, "Really? This doesn't seem that safe. Norway doesn't it do it this way." "Come on. It's fine. Norway. Please. The drill in ice we're in the gulf." And then you know what the regulators did they said, "OK. If you guys say so." WHAT?!

I have a new idea about regulating big business who's practices threaten our well being. Use guns. You know how we do when someone is stock piling weapons. FBI agents didn't go down to Dave Koresh's compound, talk to him, and when he said, "Don't worry about it, these guns are just for fun. Nothing bad is going to happen. I mean, I'm Jesus the lord and savior for crying out loud I'm goodness." The FBI didn't say, "Oh OK." What the did was get the ATF and their fire power and stormed the bastille.

When the dude who set up a car bomb in time square last week was arrested do you think the cops went in with a pencil and clipboard or they busted down his door and put thier feet on his chest. And this guy showed the same ineptitude at building something that works as BP.

This spill is going to hurt a great deal more people and more industry than 911, not to mention other creatures, granted arent' US citizens, but haven't done anything to warrant an attack on their home, much like Czechslovakia in the 1930s and we brought guns to that fight.

So next time some company doesn't want to follow regulations you go get your state troopers bust down the door to all their office and CEO, COO, CFO, and board members homes and you arrest the lot of them get a paddy wagon you used in the 60s to take in hundreds of Vietnam protestors and civil rights activits. You service those paddy wagons up and fill them with these employees and have them start talking. Anyway who is defying regulation lock'em up. Or better yet just set the buildings on fire.

And you know what's great in BP's case they're British, some i'm sure we can military tribunal them, and torture them. Let's get on it.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Charity Begins at Home

Support gay marriage! Keep divorce lawyers fed.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I'm not Subsidizing Your Life

This weekend I hosted my 11 year old cousin. Let me tell you she's a little communist. At one point we went for ice cream. She ordered chocolate ice cream in a waffle cone. Then she didn't pay for it. She looked at me as if I were to pay for it. I asked her, "Where's your money?"
"I don't have any?"
"Don't you work?"
"So I'm supposed to subsidize your lazy ass just because I make more money than you?"
She just shrugged her shoulders and the man behind the counter looked like he was about to call the cops on her. If she go arrested I probably would have to give back the money our aunt gave me to watch her.
Later we were in the book store and she wanted a book. I said to her, "Explain to me again why you don't have a job and think you're entitled to stuff."
"I don't know. I'm not allowed to get a job."
"That's ridiculous everyone is America is allowed to work this isn't some fascist state where only the Polish work."
"They said in school that kids used to work but now they can't because it's bad for us."
"That's just propaganda spread by your socialist teachers. If you had a job then you wouldn't be in school. If you're not in school they don't have anyone to teach, then they'll be outside bookstores begging for me to subsidize their reading habits."
"Oh is right."
Does she really think working is bad for you? Corporations have the best interests of their employees at heart. Of course companies can't account for the stupidity of their workers. Kids working in factories we're obviously goofing off. If they hadn't been they might have been able to keep those arms and toes. The kids today just lazy hippies.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Why Aren't You Crying? I'm Crying!

These days everyone seems to hate teachers and their Unions. That's fine. I don't have fond memories of most my teachers either. Unfortunately, people seem to hate teachers because they get really good health insurance fully paid, a pension, and thing called tenure. I understand that the real reason people are mad about all these great benefits is because they have to pay for them with their property taxes. Fine. But can we just say that. Instead of the ridiculous reason given, "In my job I have to contribute to my health insurance, and I don't get a pension, and if I screw up at my job I get fired, there's no tenure." Great, and while you're at it why don't you outlaw ice cream because you're lactose intolerant.

Why do you want everyone to be miserable and suffer? Just because your life is shit why should everyone else's life be shit? Instead, why don't you become a teacher if you think they have it so good? Or why don't you unionize? Use that computer in your cube and the colored paper in your company's supply closet and start printing out leaflets. Threaten to strike if you don't get fully paid health-benefits, a pension, and tenure. And while your striking try asking for your summers off.

If you don't like those options well I guess you can become a cop, a firefighter, or a unionized factory worker. There is also always nursing since you like watching suffering.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Correlation is not Causation. Or it is in Reverse.

There was an article on MSN last week stating that people who lack personal relationships (such as romantic partners and friends) are more likely to be depressed. This of course is not the first time I've heard this hypothesis. Basically if you don't have friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend you're going to be depressed.

I wonder is that the case? Or is the reverse true, people who are depressed can't make friends and can't get laid.

"Hey depressive friend Claira, do you want hang out this weekend?"
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. How about you come over and we sit in my room with the shades drawn? We could brainstorm on the quickest ways to kill ourselves."
"Really Claira? We did that last week. That's what you always want to do."
"Alright. We could read Slyvia Plath poetry."
"How are we supposed to see the book with the shades drawn?"
"Yeah, you're right. I'm so stupid. I have no right breathing. Ugh. It's all so hard. I can't do this anymore."
"Alright, well. that's my other line. I have to take this call."
"Yeah, you should."

How is depressive Claira supposed to find a date if she's constantly bursting into tears. Say she finally gets herself out of the house and to a bar then what?
"Claira, nice to meet you."
"You too Pat, oh god! Wah Wah Wah."
"Oh my god! What's wrong?"
"It's you have a tissue? Wah. It's this song."
"It's just Tupac."
"I know and he's dead. Wah wah wah. And if he's not dead could you imagine having to hide out like that when you have talent and future. It's so sad."
"Right. Um. I think I have to go wash my hair."

I'm just saying maybe depressed people don't have friends because depression makes you unfriendable.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Is this Fair? No.

If I were to go out and kill like 20 people or 200 people and then get caught the story in the papers would be how unfunny and impotent I was as a comedian, which is completely untrue and unfair. I'm not saying I'm some comedy genius but I have written and performed some funny bits. Just because I do, what many might perceive as a bad thing, my work will be unfairly judged. Hitler wasn't a bad painter because he was a vicious dictator. He was a vicious dictator because he was a horrible painter, or maybe no one recognized him as a artistic force. (I've never seen a Hitler painting.)

On the flipside of course if I were to be raped and murdered and left on the side of the road the story would be how my brilliant comedy light had been extinguished way too early. Again not fair because I’m dead and I could have written some good jokes about my murder.

My point is jail should be the punishment for a killing spree and not bullshit disparagement of my work just because you don't like the other things I did with my life.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Freedom Fries! Yes!

Alright so there is a big hub bub going on in Arizona about their new immigration law. What I find crazy is that immigration both legal and illegal has become an Hispanic (Latino) issue. That's just racist. Not just on the part of Arizona legislature but also on the part of Hispanic people who go to all these immigration rallies. Sorry burst everyone's bubble but spanish speaking people aren't the only illegal immigrants in this country.

What about the French? When I first moved to Portland, OR I was staying in a hostel. That hostel was housing an illegal French girl, whose name I can not recall because it was foriegn and French sounding. Not only was trying to find someone to hire her "under the table" but she had a crush on an American who was in a relationship with another American. I dare say her sole reason for staying here was to wreak havoc on the American family. Granted this dude and his girlfriend weren't married, but if Frenchy kept to her own country and her own that live there, perhaps they would have had a shot at marriage. Where were the Portland Police department? Why wasn't anyone taking the French threat more seriously? Yes, this was before 9/11 before the French decided not to back us in Iraq. But, we should have known.

It would have been one thing if this French girl, who didn't like rootbeer or cinamon-how unAmerican, was trying to date a guy no American woman wanted to date. Meeting the jobless, unathletic, not too bright man, who lives with his Aunt (because his mother threw him out) for a night at the movies where she has to pay. Fine. I understand. Perhaps there is a shortage of men in France and a lady needs companionship. But the audacity of her trying to steal an American man from an American woman, well, call immigration and deport her.

Now how do you look for illegal Frenchies? Simple look for pale people with narrow fox-like noses sitting in cafes in the afternoon. They probably will be slimmer than most of us, unless it's Gerard Depardieu. (What jerk he is taking roles away from American Actors). They won't be eating freedom fries either. Look for underarm hair under the ladies arms. Warning, some unshaven women are just hippies and not French at all.

The problem with hunting down the illegal French is that the don't just cross into Arizona, they could be living anywhere in the country, even Detriot.

Say what you will about Hispanics but I don't see them stealing anyone's possible husbands.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

What's in a Name?

Good news everyone. Alleged sexual assualtist, Ben Rothlesberger, is not a Jew. His name would make a person think, perhaps Jewish as would his coloring, however, according to wikipedia he is of Scandinavian descent. The Scandinavian can handle a scandal right now. The worst thing they've done, recently, is host a volcano, whose dust cloud shut down Northern Europe's airspace. Yes, inconvenient and costly, but not really the Scandinavians fault. Meanwhile, the Jewish people are still trying to live down Bernie Madoff. So they do not need Ben Rothlesberger on their team and thankfully he's not. Ike Davis, the new Met 1st baseman, is a Jew. Not only is he hitting a ton his first week in the majors, he has yet to be publicly accused of sexual misconduct. Go Ike!

I'd also like to point out Ben Rothlesberger is not a woman. Some might find this observation to be obvious as he is a professional football player, however, with the way he allegedly treats women, one might think he's a woman himself (herself?). As we all know no one is worse to a woman than another woman. Granted, women don't usually wip out their penises infront of other women, but we sure can make each other cry. And right now the last thing women-folk need is some bad publicity. I mean how will ever get paid equal pay for equal work? We won't if Ben Rothlesberger is one of us and I'm so glad he isn't.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Rodents. Urg!

There many horrible things about NYC but one of the worst is the rodent problem in this town. You can't get rid of them even if you move. I've decided to spread Sweet N Low all over my floor so the mice will get cancer and die. People have told me this plan will take to long to kill them but at least the invaders will suffer. And good luck to those guys finding medical marijuana.

The other thing that befuddles me is how does the 4 Seasons Hotel and the W hotel keep their hotels rodent free. These place can't have a guest find a mouse in the room it would ruin their reputation and they wouldn't be able to charge upwards of $400 dollars a night. I want to know what they do. If it's expensive...well...I guess I'm shit out of luck, but if it's just immoral I'm in.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Tiger Woods' sex life has been in the media these last 6 months or however long. Some have defended Woods' actions stating things like, (here this next sentence with a Brooklyn dialect) "If every guy who cheated on his wife lost his job, we wouldn't have much of a workforce."

Umm. Why are you people getting married? Did you know you don't have to get married?

If you want to sleep around then don't get married. If your mother won't let you live with her into your 30s and 40s, and therefore you have no one to clean up after you and cook for you, hire a maid.

I know. I know. You want kids. Easy. Gay people have children all the time and their not allowed to get married. I'm sure you can figure something out, like hiring a hooker to have your kid. Or a college student looking for tuition. You can adopt. Homesexuals adopt children why can't a womanizer or manizer (depending on your gender. I don't believe philandering is a male dominated hobby.)

I'm just saying this is America and most of us aren't Amish, so we don't have arranged marriages. Here's a slogan for you "Stop being a douche. Stay single."

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Latest and Greatest

So the Droid phone has a new ad out basically bragging that it can help you find constellations. Was this a problem before? Where there phone users out there for the past hundred years bemoaning the fact that while they were talking on the telephone they, for the life of them, could not remember which one was the Big Dipper and which one was Orion's belt?

Has anyone out with their friends hit upon a conversation where they were trying to remember find out who sang that song with the whistling in the begining and then a man and woman sing something about the young folks and the old folks only to realize how insignificant that question is when you realize there is a whole universe above us that we can't navigate from our bar stool right now?

You know what Droid? How about you take your head out of the clouds and give me a working keypad, that isn't a touch screen and an included memo app. Or if we're going to make an amazing phone that does crazy shit, how about a phone that bakes bread. I rather have bread.

**Note that song is entitled the Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John.**

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Youth Movement

I'm trying to look more youthful, so in public I have stopped eating my vegetables.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Vacation Escape

People usually take vacations to exotic locales, or relaxing locales, or crazy-fun-party locales. What a horribly wrong choice. If you are vacationing you should pick a destination that is worse than where you live. Otherwise when you get home you'll be depressed that 50 weeks out of the year this is your actual life. Sure you can go to Bermuda and relax on the beach for two weeks drinking fruity alcoholic deliciousness. So when you come home you realize your life is rat race to see who can eat the most shit. Or you can travel to Detroit, Michigan in the winter. Save money by squatting in a foreclosed home. When you get back to your own life you sure will be thankful and propbably most eager to head back to work.

Sure you can go on Safari in Africa or you can go to Bangledesh during Monsoon season. Which vacation do you think will make you appreciate the horrible life you have?

Yes, I know that air travel does try to make you wish for home on your back from these fun destinations. What with the having to nearly strip, to late flights, to turbulence and crying children aboard your flight. But does that really make you wish for home or does it make you wish you were back at the New Orleans Jazz and Heritage fest feasting on cajun food, listening to world class music, and partying like it's 1999. Skip the jazzfest and the skiing trips and learn to love your actual life next time try travellig to the drug cartel ravaged Mexico.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Violent Death Worse Than Dirt

Yesterday, I was unable to shower due to the fact that someone from outside my apartment was probably going to kill me. I don't know who that someone was, but he or she was possibly out there and was ready to thwart my front door and kill me. If my roommates had been home I would have had a line of defense to protecting me during my vulnerable shower time.

A collegue suggested that people are usually killed by someone they know and I was more likely to be murdered by my roommates. That might be true. However, I feel I could "take" my roommates in combat even with soap in my eyes while standing on slippery, tub surface. You, the reader, now ask, "How would these two provide a line of defense if they were home while you were showering?" The answer: A stranger only knows that there are two men in the apartment, one a black man the other over 6 feet tall. The outsider having not had the opportunity to actually get to know my roommates would have to go on a snap judgement and stereo-types and not on the intimate knowledge I have of them. Further, the two would probably work together to protect the apartment, while only one would likely want to kill me at any given time.

Another question is what if while your roommates are home your apartment is stormed by bandits and not a single criminal working alone? Answer: Our apartment is not in South America where people like to work in teams of bandits when committing criminal acts. Instead it's in the USA, home of the rugged individual including those US citizens whose life's calling is to murder me in the shower.

So as you can see there was no way I could have showered, yesterday, while alone in the apartment.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Perhaps I'm Still Too Young for 60minutes

So I found myself watching 60minutes this past Sunday? Why? Because I like to be informed. Alright, I can't even keep a straight face typing that. Well, I was home constructing chicken puppets for a dozen 2nd graders. In order to keep myself from hurling myself out of my 6th floor window I decided to put on the television to escape my arts and crafts nightmare. Unfortunately, I do not have cable and 60 Minutes was the only palpable reality TV on at the time.

My question to you is, "Has Andy Rooney ever been relevant or in touch with what is actually going on in the world?" His fix for the recession was that people start becoming plumbers. According to him there is a ton of work to be done out there, but too many people have advanced degrees and feel that being a plumber is beneath them and won't apply to be one. What? I bet you any of the 20somethings out there with crazy college debt working at Starbucks would be happy to work as plumber making at least $60,000 a year instead of just over minimum wage. I wonder what is stopping them? Hmmm. Oh I bet plumbing was offered at 8:00am and these lazy, snobby kids slept through plumbing 101, and electrician 102. How will they ever get in the union now?
Of course Andy Rooney took his college degree and he didn't go into working with his hands. He didn't work at a factory, though for his generation that was actually possible. No, he became an elitist effete journalist. Why does he get to follow is his dreams but the rest of us should get off our high horses?

Apparently, despite my greying hair and my ever rocketship ride through my 30s I'm still not old enough to truly comprehend 60 minutes. Well, there's a bright side.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Return of My Best Friend Anna

So Anna and I were hanging the other day catching up. Right in the middle of us discussing Amy Adam's ability to act well enough to trascend her high pitched voice right as I was about to use Sunshine Cleaning as an example, Anna blurts out, "I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you can be in a relationship. As much as I want one I don't know that I could give up the flirting. The talking to cute boys in bars and the excitedly waiting for emails in my inbox. The hope of a future with someone. The running through of all the possibilities of fun."

"Anna, I'm not dead. I can still flirt."
"Sure, but then wouldn't you feel horribly guilty that you wasted some poor single boy's time? A boy who is just looking for love and the right girl and of course the emotional betrayl to Jack."
"Um. What boys are you talking about."
"Then of course, Rachael, you're ego would be crushed when he didn't email."
"Wait! What? How would I feel guilty and then crushed? And who said he wouldn't email. I'm sure this boy just looking for love wouldn't be completely smitten with me whether or not I had a boyfriend. Listen missy, just because you're single life is riddled with rejection doesn't mean that my hypothetical adulterous life is!"

And then we started talking about how The Proposal wasn't bad.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

But It's What We Do Best

Earlier this week concerns about how to keep Asian Coy from populating American Great lakes was reported. Umm. Really? Isn't that what humans do best? Hunting or fishing a species to extinction. You don't see Wooly Mammaths walking around this continent anymore do you? And we can thank the Clovis people. I'm just saying I don't think this should be a pressing issue. I think we can handle the Asian Coy like we've handled like the spotted owl. Unless Asian Coy or the subway rats of the lake. Then we're fucked.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Nuclear Winter

More and more countries have the bomb. It's scary. However, I'm comforted by the fact that when I die in a nuclear holocaust so will all the rats and mice of NYC. Part of me thinks that's worth it.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

All of a sudden it's March

Anyone else feel like February rips them off? I feel like my landlord is getting one over on me. I pay the same amount of rent for February as I do for all the other months. February is at least 2 days shorter than other months. And as we know it's 3 days shorter than others. I want 2.5 days of rent money back. That's almost a hundred dollars (granted split 3 ways among me and my two other roommates, but still nearly $33.33. Man, the possiblities. I could treat myself to an almost very nice dinner, like something other than a burrito. I could pay my share of the electric bill and have enough left over for a burrito. I could pay my share of the cable bill and the gas bill and than maybe split an order of nachos. I could buy an unlimited metro card for a week and then get a donut. I could hunt down my enemies and nail them with a cream pie when it was a really bad time for them to be humilated with sugar and fat.)

I'm just saying I think February was invented by the real-estate industry.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Shut Up About Your Weather

My least favorite thing about Mid Atlantic snowstorms is people from the Midwest scoffing at us. Yes, there ridiculousness is more annoying than my little legs trying to find safe passage across the ponds that meet me at every intersection during snowstorms. These Midwesterners and some great lake regionites call up radio stations and say things like, "Oh this is nothing. Come on, people, it's just some snow. 12 inches? We wouldn't even call that a snowstorm that's beach weather. Grab the suntan lotion let's go surfing. Well, if we weren't land locked."

It's surprising to me that these same expatriot snowbirds don't make the claims about obesity. "Oh god, you New Yorkers think that an extra 20lbs is fat. Please, that's swim suit model. We have fat people. We have heart disease. You guys with your sissy non-chain resturaunts to chose from. Please and all the walking you guys do and up and down subway steps. None of that is possible here."

I'll tell you this Midwesterners I saw a couple of native New Yorkers probably 17 years old on the subway last night. The two girls were dressed in fishnet stockings and 3 inch heels. Not only was it cold, wet, and slushy out it was also a Thursday! Don't tell me we can't handle winter weather, I'd like to see any of you drive a car in that outfit.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Grossness

Have you ever accidently turned someone on while you were trying to clean the sweat off your hands. Then you have to have sex with them because it's too awkward to explain you just didn't want to wipe the sweat off on your own shirt. Of course then you wind up sweatier than ever.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Winter Olympics

After watching some of the Winter Olympic Games on TV the other day I realized Nascar fans must love downhill skiing. Granted the lack of a gas fueled engines in the sport cuts down on the fireballs, but I imagine for those people it might be a nice change of pace.

Meanwhile, I would like to applaud China. Thankgod for China. It has been a long time since we had a country to root against and label as evil and suspect of cheating. Al Queda never really stepped up to the challenge. Which I'm guessing is just laziness on their part. I mean they're in the mountains a great deal of time, they have the opportunity practice at minimum skiing and bi-atholon activities. Granted I don't know how many frozen lakes they have access to to practice figure and speed skating. Their ladies might trip on their garb trying to complete a tripple axle, but how hard is it to build a bobsled track. If they can do it in Jamaica why not Afganastan or where ever the hell they are.

I'm just saying it's really selfish of the Al-Queda to not join in on the tradition of the Soviets and the Nazis and now China and compete with us not just in war but in sport. They too could win moral victories.

Monday, February 15, 2010

For Your Presidents Day/Post Valentine's Day Entertainment

Enjoy a couple of lost couple interviews from When Harry Met Sally.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

HealthCare Reform In 2040

Liberals are all up in arms that health care reform isn't going to pass in the senate. I say to these liberals have patience. Soon enough the health insurance companies will get theirs. It's simple. As manufacturing and union jobs continue to disappear from the landscape of the US economy more and more people will work the way I and so many other people under 35 work, part time at several jobs. As you know people working less than 40 hours a week for any given company do not recieve benefits like health insurance or paid sick days. People might work 60 hours a week but not all the hours for the same single company and therefore won't receive any benefits.

So that's the first part as healthcare costs rise companies will stop hiring full time workers so as not to have to provide health insurance to their employees. There goes a huge chunk of business for the health insurance companies. Next to make-up for the lost profits the insurance companies will be losing due to no more fulltime workers with benefits buying their product they will raise premiums on single payer insurance policies as many have done this year. In turn all those part time workers who are saddled with crazy amounts of college debt won't be able to buy insurance on their own. Soon no one will buying health insurance except investment bankers, and though investment bankers make a great deal of money, there aren't really that many of them. So with no customers the health insurance companies will collapse and the world will be a sicker yet far better place.

One day we'll look on health insurance companies like horse and buggy companies with nostalgia. I'm sure horse and buggy manufacturers beat their workers and had faulty breaks on their carriages that killed countless children in the cobbled stone streets of the past. But now, we're like ahhh the Horse and Buggy is so quaint and adorable and old-timey. And one day we'll say that of insurance compaines. "Ahh their so quaint with the way they used to push paper around and have provide expensive meals for senators. I long for the days of office parks. It's so old timey."

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Football and Keeping the Baby

I watched the Superbowl this Sunday. I watched the whole game, but somehow missed the Tim Tebow anti-abortion commercial. But the idea of a superbowl commercial about keeping your baby got me thinking. I guess it's one thing for a married lady with the support of her community to choose to keep a dangerous pregnancy as Tim's mom did. That's kind of like going for a two-point conversion to put you up 4 points forcing the opposition to score a touch down to beat you. If you miss the two points you're in the same boat as if you kicked the extra point.

But then there's keeping your baby after a drunken one-night stand. The reason you're drinking so heavily is you're life is such a shit hole of a minimum-waged nightmare that Monday nights (because you work weekends) is your chance to escape. Now you're pregnant. Sure you can keep the baby, but that's like going for it on 4th and 6 on your own 30 with the game tied and a minute left on the clock. Yeah, there's a chance you could pick up the first down, but in all likely-hood you won't and you and your baby are going to be watching the opposing team kick the winning field goal and you walk off the field in despair. Yes, I know you should have never run the double reverse on 1st and 2nd downs fooling no one. Sure, maybe you should have passed on 3rd and 10 instead of running it between the tackles. But why compound the situation by going for it on your own 30? This horrible decision could ruin the rest of your season. As you despair and lose confidence in yourself. Punt and live to drink and use a condom another day.

Friday, February 05, 2010

As a Woman I have an Obligation

So it's that time of the year that many women dread. It's time for my annual gynocological exam. My mother told me "You better go shave for before your appointment." To which I responded, "I don't shave for my boyfriend why should I shave for the doctor? I'm paying her." This year I think the hair on my legs is the least of the problems I face for this year's appoinmtment. The real problem will be when she asks, "What form of contraception are you using?"

In years past I had a sexually, responsible answer, "Anger. Well, more like an Anger/Abstinence program." It's not a moral conviction I would just let my personality act as a enviromentally friendly chastity belt. Some years I would have had sex a couple of times and I'd proudly answer, "condoms." But this year the truth is a mix of "1 part condoms 4 parts withdrawl." I don't want to have to admit that to the doctor. I'm from the generation of sex education from 5th grade on. The doctor is going to look at me with judgement and disapproval even though the NY Times had an article about the effectiveness of the withdrawl method 6 months ago.

Hmm. Maybe I should wax and hope the glean off my hairless flesh distracts her from the ugly truth.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

It Ain't Easy Being VP or Speaker

As I watched the State of the Union address it struck me that no matter the party affiliation the hardest job in politics has to be the Vice President or House Speaker during a televised state of the Union address. There you are the camera right on you for an hour straight. You can't fall asleep. You have to look interested but not so interested that the secret service mistakes you for a threat. And most importantly you can't pick at your face. That last one would be the hardest for me. If I was VP no one would be talking about the speech the headlines would read, "Did VP Parenta ever get the hair out of her chin?" "What exactly is in Parenta's hair that she feels the need to scratch it for an hour straight?" "The nation finds satisfaction in VP's popped zit."

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

How Can You Say No?

It seems the US military still doesn't want gays joining up. Really, guys? That's kind of like a lady with a hare-lip and a nasty temper saying she won't date a guy who is unemployed, or closetedly gay. Who is she to say no? And you US military you're asking people to rough it thousands of miles away for little pay so they can be shot at. Who are you to say no to anyone who wants to volunteer for that. It's not like there's a draft anymore. If the draft was reinstated, I gaurantee more Americans would be gay than ever before.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Love in the Time of Playoffs

Yesterday, my mother asked me if I was happy that the Jets were in the playoffs. She said, "I know the Giants are out of it, but the Jets being in it, does that cushion the blow? Are you excited about it." Sports fans know that this is a ridiculous question. But my mother is not a sports fan and I appreciated her trying to relate to her daughter. So I in turn tried to answer the question in terms my mother would understand.

"Mom," I said. "I don't have any problem with the Jets I'm happy for my friends who are Jets fans. But no other team can fill the void the Giants left in me this season by stinking. It's kind of like if you had to marry the butcher instead of Dad. Sure, you know the butcher a little bit and he seems like a nice guy. You have nothing against the butcher, granted you haven't patronized the butcher in 26 years, but that was just because you weren't into buying meat from a specialized meat store anymore. The thing is you would much prefer to marry Dad, who some say you love, Ithink you are one of those people who say you love him, but if Dad had no pass rush and couldn't cover wide recievers or tight ends and therefore wasn't available for marriage, you would marry the butcher, because you are a person who likes the idea of being married. You wouldn't be overjoyed at marrying the butcher, not the butcher's fault you just like Dad better, but Dad couldn't really run the ball so you marry the butcher. That's like Jets. I'll root for them because I'm a person who likes to watch football and pick a side, but I probably won't yell at the TV while I'm watching. And just as if the Butcher left you a couple of years after your marriage you'd probably say, 'Eh, oh well, I guess I'm single again.' I too wouldn't be very upset if the Jets lost this week."

And for the first time mom and I understood each other (except for the part about the wide recievers and pass rush.)

Monday, January 18, 2010

It Goes Against Nature

For years now we've had advocates for the government to step in and allow the most unnatural of institutions. People don't realize how this horrific agenda is ruining lives across the country. Yes, of course I'm writing of schools and teaching.

What could be more unnatural than putting 10-40 children in a room with one adult. No where else do you see this in the primate world. No set of parents have 11 kids of the same age. You might have 11 kids but they're all different ages and you have time to house train each kid individually before the next one comes along. Not so in our schools. There has been a great movement to higher better teachers, to hold teachers accountable for the test results of children. This of course is ridiculous. Perhaps you should higher better students.

Let's break it down this way: What is school? It's a place where children are broken, where they are domesticated. Much the way an animal person might break a wild horse. A child much like a wild horse wants to run about with no regards to others wants or it's own saftey. The last thing a wild horse wants to do is give a human an orderly ride from point A to point B or to plow a field. Just as the last thing a child wants to do is sit in an office all day and enter data. But as a society we need the horse and the child to be able to do both. Fine. But would you give a horse trainer 35 wild horses at once to break in. Of course not. Picture that. Take a moment and really picture one lone horse trainer and 35 wild horses in a fenced in space. AHHHH! Good luck not getting trampled. No picture an adult with 35 wild children. Good luck teacher not climbing to the top of the school and jumping off to your death. Or at least to a broken limb which will allow you to escape to a hospital paid for by your awesome benefits plan.