My Open Thank You Letter

Dear BP,

I'd like to thank you whole heartedly for doing what I by law am not allowed to do, name punish the annoying children I deal with daily. You see, BP, I like you have made some poor judgements. I decided, despite a normally functioning intellect, to pursue a career in "the arts." By doing so I've had to take a number of stupid low paying jobs. Most recently, I have acted as an after-school, arts teacher for young children. Children, most of whom are horrible. They hit each other say horrible things to one another, they have no intellectual curiosity, they are undisciplined just miserable.

Unfortunately my hands are tied by the law in ways I can punish the kids or get them to listen. I'm not allowed to hit them, call them names, send them to the corner, make them do push-up (which by the way is good for them), I can't shoot them. Nothing. So thank you, BP, because now these little fuckers will never know the joys of going to the beach for recreation. They won't be able to go swim in the ocean or eat fish, or sun bathe on the sands of the Atlantic or Gulf Coasts.

I of course will miss my time at the beach now that your oil that has spilled into the ocean has started journeying on the loop current. But, I have had 32 years going to the beach, I even have pictures that I can use to jog my memory when old age hits or when brain damage sets in from the random chemicals I have injested.

Soon beaches all up the Atlantic coast will be ruined and these kids will finally be punished. Bravo. Well done. You should be applauded and awarded by all those who have to watch others' children.


Hoping to die of a heart attack before the cancer gets me.