Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Politician Gets Heckled. A Sketch

GRAHAM TILP, a politician, stands at a podium in front of the international press core and some regular people. GRAHAM’s gestures resemble karate moves. At first the gestures are tame but as the speech they become more flagrant. He speaks with a New England dialect.

Today is the first day of the rest of our nation’s life. We will let the past be our guide as we burst into the future with vigor, patience and fortitude (holding up an index finger). In the few, short weeks since my latest legislative initiative has been enacted we’ve seen great changes. And we can be confident that only more greatness awaits in the coming months and years. We no longer have to bare the stench of Amish smelling people riding on the vehicles that participate in our cities’ public transit systems. Soon our nation will no longer have to endure the surprise disgusting smells wafting by us as we walk the streets looking for prostitutes. Soon Hippies, Homeless, and the hygienically unsound will be de-smelled as we embark on our next phase. (open hands supplicating)

You’re the one who stinks.

(ignoring heckler)
As I stand in front of you there are government, sponsored scientists working in secret labs around the clock for a cure to lactose intolerance so we can all eat ice cream and pizza in a methane free environment.(punching the air) Also they are finding ways to make gasoline odorless, this way we can burn fossil fuels all we want with out smelling like we are. (punch, upper cut)

You call that a soundbite.

(ignoring heckler)
I see a day when foreigners such as the sweet smelling Canadians (sidekick) and the inoffensive Fins (palm strike) visit our country without fear. Thus, tourism will boom. And in two years all airports and other ports will have descenting stations for all reeking immigrants and foreign travelers to pass through, so that we can have their discretionary money or labor without alerting our olfactory nerve endings. (double side hand strikes)

Why don’t you smell me?

(regarding heckler)
Free speech isn’t it marvelous.

That’s your comeback? What a hack. George W. said the same thing a week ago.

The Constitution does not provide its citizens with the right to terrorize the populace with halitosis. If one wants to express their opinions they’ll need minty, fresh breath.

Say something Political.

This whole thing is political.

Same something political.
Did you buy me a drink?

No. You suck.

Then why the fuck are you talking to me?


I’m sorry my father didn’t rape me as a child so I’m not attracted to you.

Heard it! So Clinton.

(kind of talking to himself)
God this reminds me of Idaho Falls. What a shithole that room was. I don’t know if this or Alabama was worse.

It was summer, there was no air-conditioning, and I had to give a speech to the Pig Farmer Alliance Group. The odors starting wafting toward me. Surrounding me. My tie getting tighter. The fumes kept coming - grabbing me tighter and tighter. It took all I had to keep from convulsing. And then I go and try my “We’re all Americans” bit to a room full of people who believe they live in a country that’s occupied by the North. After the show these men chased me to my car. I barely escaped a hanging.

Go back to Alabama, corporate mouth piece.

Did I say that out loud? (beat) Where the hell was I? Minty fresh breath. God, you would think this place would have some sort of security.

You’re the anti-christ of politics. You’re too boring for CSPAN-2.

(Agent Dobbs steps in and removes protestor)

Seriously, can we do something about… Oh good. OK. Sorry about that folks.
(he stands back at the podium)
Onto the New New York. We will place a big air freshener atop the Empire State building for starters.
(Black Out)

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Define Insane

On occassion people have called me crazy. I would like to refute their occassional claim. The definition of a crazy person is any person who does the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I do not do that. I do the same thing over and over again expecting the same result. It's just that my expectation has yet to be realized.

Humans: We Know We Know

A New York State Senator wants to outlaw the use of ipods, cell phones, and hand-held computer devices when people cross the street. I commend this state senator for attempting to pass a law banning electronic device use while crossing the street. It's obviously a very dangerous activity. Humans need a government to tell them how to live and how to walk. I love laws and would like to see more of them passed. I hate thinking for myself or having any choice on how to live. If the government makes my life choices for me, and my life sucks, then I can blame the government. Now, I can only partially blame the government because the government only makes some of my life choices. Which means right now I’m making half—HALF!—of my life decisions. That’s way too many. With that many decisions left up to me I have to take at least some of the responsibility for my disappointing life.

Laws are evidence that humans are a higher species of animal than all others. Most animals walk instinctively. Humans, on the other hand, have a consciousness. Not only do humans know they are alive, they know they are walking. If you know you and others in your species are walking then you can have a debate about walking which can eventually lead to laws on walking. Which I think is why cars are not outlawed. Cars have no consciousness. They don't know they are driving, so they can't self regulate. And just like humans don't fine squirrels, deer, and salamanders for crossing the street while listening to an mp3 player, we do not fine cars for crossing streets while people or animals might be in front of them whether or not those animals have an electronic device activated.

I think it's similar to the banning of cigarette smoking. Cigarette smoke is harmful to humans and other animals. We can pass a law prohibiting smoking because humans smoke and humans know they smoke. However, we can not ban the burning of the very harmful coal because factories burn coal and factories are buildings and building are not self-aware. Buildings have no consciousness. You can't tell a building to stop burning coal. Actually, you could but buildings don't speak English, and buildings are obstinate--they never listen. Also, of course, they don't know they are burning coal, so how could they stop?

Friday, February 23, 2007

I Didn't Think These Two Were Related. Turns Out They Are

My best friend Anna is a single New York gal. She drew an analogy for me to better understand her singledom predictament.

Rachael, here's the deal. I'm like Anne Frank's older sister in the Play Anne Frank's diary. The Franks and that other family (the name escapes me) are living in the Dutch attic. Food rations are meager. At one point in the play all they have to eat is some slightly rotting kale. All the characters in the play, except for Anne's older sister, manage to choke down the slightly rotting kale because they have nothing else to eat. Anne's older sister is loosing weight daily. She's starving, and yet she still won't eat the vile, slightly rotting kale. Her mother pleads with her to eat the disgusting kale because that's all there is to eat. And yet Anne's older sister won't touch it.

Rachael, I am Anne's older sister. The slightly rotting kale are the gentleman callers I have to choose from. I am starving for sex and afffection, maybe even some romance, but I'm not eating the slightly rotting kale.

I suggested that Anna go out and get something else to eat. She responded, "I can't I'm stuck in the attic!"

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

For More Of My Writing

Hey I wrote a little thing for Jesse's All You Can Eat Blog. Read it here.

You're Going to Look At Me Funny for This One

Many people wish to die while having sex. I'm not one of those people. I don't think being strangled, stabbed, or suffocated with a pillow is a very peaceful way to die. It also ruins the sex.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

People Need Help. Someone Help Them

Why can't someone write a helpful self-help book? Do we really need a book telling women when a man isn't into them? We know you’re not into us. You stop calling. That doesn’t mean we will stop being into you. Do we need a book that that hypothesizes that women and men are from different planets? If men were from Mars and women were from Venus how do they have the correct DNA and chromosome count to mate? It seems scientifically impossible.


What my single friends need is a book that decodes sexual propositions. That’s a useful book. And because it is a useful dating book for both men and women it has not been written. I can not write this book. I am as clueless as the rest of you. I don’t know if “come up for a cup of coffee means” your date wants to have sex with you or if they just want to have a cup of coffee with you. For many people this might not be a problem because most people enjoy coffee. Therefore if you go up for “a cup of coffee” but only get a cup of coffee, at least you got a delicious cup of coffee. I do not enjoy coffee. So if go up for a “cup of coffee” and then only get a cup of coffee, I will be very disappointed. When my date asks me up for a cup a coffee I’d have to reply, “I’m not so much into coffee. Do you have tea or hot chocolate.” How would my date take that? If my date was actually asking for sex would he think I rejected his proposition but really wanted a cup of tea. If there was a reference book all this confusion could be avoided. In all my years on the planet the only thing I know that is code for let’s go up and have sex is, “Hey you want to come over and look at my glow in the dark stars?” This would be a great universal sex proposition line, except that many people don’t know what glow in the dark stars are. (Which is why I’ve included a small picture) If you have to explain to your adult date what this item is I’m sure they’ll think you a freak and will not want to go upstairs with you.

And that’s the other thing, what if you don’t want to have intercourse you just want to make out a little bit. Our mythical reference book should also include specific coded language for those other sexual situations that aren’t going all the way. Like if I responded to your coffee invite with “I’d like tea.” That would mean I want to make out, maybe get partially naked. Or I if I responded with, “Well, do have decaf?” that would mean I’m up for oral but not vaginal. Or say, it’s 4am and you’re fooling around outside your apartment building which is located in a “transitional neighborhood” you want to continue making out but you fear you might get mugged at this hour in the evening. However, you’re not ready to have sex because you just met him 6 hours ago. What do you say? You can’t say all that. It’s like an essay. Talk about killing the mood. Maybe it’d be like “Did you notice the three check cashing places on this block are closed? You want some coffee?” Or what if you just met a fellow and you just got you’re period. There should be a code for that? If you don’t it could go very wrong. “Hey I’d invite you in for coffee but aunt Flo is over?”
“Aunt Flo? I thought your grandmother’s name was Flo?”
“Yeah it is. She named her daughter Flo too, I guess. Who knew you listened to my stories about my family?”
“Oh. I don’t mind having coffee with you and your aunt?”
“You fucking scum bag. My aunt is over 50 years old and she’s my aunt. That’s gross.”
“What? You’re family sounded interesting.”
“Interesting? Maybe you should go Maury Povich.”
“Lady, you’re nuts.”
“Oh cause I have my period I’m emotional. You’re a chauvinist.”
And then nobody gets any. Not only that night but not even four to seven days later.

Yes, we need a book. The book should be required reading for all high school seniors. Single people are flying blind out there. It’s amazing any of them hook-up at all.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I'm Glad I'm Not Single #3

I'm so glad I am in a loving relationship with my boyfriend Jack because I just don't have the wardrobe to be single, especially in the winter. Sure, I could go on a series of first dates I have one good date outfit. But, I'd be hard pressed to find something that's cute, yet casual, yet femine, yet warm while strolling the New York streets, yet layered enough that I can be comfortable in a heated inside venue for a third or fourth date. I know that by the third date my would be suitor would probably have seen me in the same pair of jeans at least twice. I do have more than one pair of jeans, but I only one flattering pair.

I don't know how poor people find love or mate. Maybe they don't waste money on comfortable clothing, and only spend money on terribly uncomfortable yet stunning clothing. Maybe poor people only live in warm climates, like the South. Everyone looks good in shorts and a tank-top. Well, not everybody. It seems America's poor suffer far more than first realized.

That's why I'm so glad I'm already in a relationship, it saves me from having to get a real job and earn an actual "living." And let's face it even if I was faced with eternal singledom I'd never get a real job. If ever I was desperate for sex or romantic companionship I'd probably just choose debt to dress the part of adorable. My boyfriend Jack already thinks I'm adorable no matter what I'm wearing--for example my ragged, baggy flannel pajamas. I have to say that it's mutual. Even when he looks a mess I find him just as attractive as when he's all smarted up for a blacktie event. He can come in from the cold, his nose slightly running and take off his skull cap leaving his hair unflatterlingly matted to his head-- all out of place. He then takes off his coat to reveal a half untucked shirt that's turned slightly sideways. The bottom of his pants are wet and filthy from the snow/slush/nyc grime winter mixture. He's a fashion failure, and yet in those moments I want nothing more than to run into his arms and bury my head in his chest. It's funny, huh?

God bless you single people-- you need it.
The meek shall inherit the Earth but what do the disheveled inherit?


One woman's gentleman is another woman's homosexual.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I'm Rotten

Here's a mean thing to say to someone when a person tells you how much he/she weighs. "Really? Is your scale callibrated for weight on the moon?"

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

50% Divorce Rate

A long time ago I found myself on a date. My date and I patronized the bar D.B.A located on 1st Avenue. A quinquagenarian started up a conversation with my date and me. The middle-aged fellow told me I was attractive and then asked if my mother was seeing anyone. I said, "Yeah, my father, who I think you might prefer because I look just like my dad, except with more hair on my head and less on my shins."

Monday, February 12, 2007

Safe Computing.

My father is a paranoid individual. He fears that his computer is constantly under attack from various spy organizations. He told me sternly that I better get protection for my computer. I told him not to worry because my computer said it'll pull out. My dad replied, that's foolish get a big a condom for that thing.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Ah Choo!

It's freezing out. It has been for over a week now. I have had it. Last night I had to ride my bike to a show in park slope. It was too cold to ride my bike. When I got home my boyfriend Jack was there. He decided to stop by on his way home from work. I laid into him.

"Jack, where the fuck is the weather machine?"
(for background on the weather machine click here)
"Good to see you too."
"Oh don't give me that. I just pedaled my bike in the freezing cold. What happened to the weather machine?"
"I stored it at your parents' house."
"Well, go get it."
"Right now? At midnight, you want me to get on the subway to go to Port Authority, catch a bus to New Jersey, wake-up your parents, and bring the weather machine back?"
"Go tomorrow."
"I have to work tomorrow."
"You always have to work. If it's not raising money to save the one and half legged people of where ever the fuck?"
"Who cares. Then you're helping NASA with satellite problems. You don't even work for NASA."
"They needed help."
"I need not to be freezing. The world will still be a mess after you bring the weather machine back from NJ. For once can I come first?"
"Don't give me that. I'm the one who's been wanting to live together and you keep telling me we're not ready."
"I'm not moving in with you just to save on rent."
"Well, Rachael, I thought you'd move in with me because you're in love with me and want a share your life with me. I guess I was mistaken."
"Oh don't pull that crap. I love you. I love my parents you don't see me living with them."
"Yeah, but you would move-in with them to save money."
"They're my parents they're supposed to take care of me."
"Rachael, you're going to be thirty."
"Oh that's not what I mean. You're not supposed to take care of me."
"Then why are you yelling at me to get the weather machine so you can bike around Brooklyn in winter?"
"Jack, the weather machine was a nice thing you did. It's doing me a favor. A nice gesture. I mean, you couldn't even make one of the 'I Love Jack' Shows.' I kept telling people you'd be there. For crying out loud, the show was named after you."
"What do you mean named? Past tense."
"Well, I'm meeting with Mike tomorrow to work on a new version of the show. I don't know that we're keeping the name."
"All because of the weather machine."
"NO! Because you put blind orphaned children trapped on a burning bus on the FDR before keeping your promise to me you'd make the show."
"I'm supposed to let them burn?"
"No. You're supposed to call the fire department and have them save the children. You're not a superhero. You are my boyfriend."
"Call the fire department? Really, the anarchist is telling me to call a government agency."
"First off, I'm an anarchist sympathizer. I'm too lazy to be an actual anarchist. I mean I vote. Anarchists don't vote. And. And. And, Jack, you're not an anarchist. You can call the fire department."
"So you want me to call the fire department more."
"Ugh. I want you to start delegating. There are people who get paid to do the jobs you are volunteering for. Just because I think you're great doesn't mean you're better at everything than everyone. Be my boyfriend."
"Well, I'm here now."
"Yeah...Ah choo."
"Bless you."
"Thanks. Ah choo."
"OK. I'll go and get the weather machine tomorrow."
"No. No. I don't need a weather machine. How about just a cup a tea. Ah choo."
"Oh, and Rachael?"
"If someone loves you they can take care of you. They don't have to be your parents."

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Definitive Proof

Global warming is a hoax. There is no global warming. If the globe was warming that would mean the polar ice caps were melting. If the polar ice caps melt the world would experience a great and horrific flood. According to the bible God threw up a rainbow to let the Noah know that God would never flood the Earth again. What's more powerful greenhouse gas emmissions or the Lord Almighty? It's in his title "Almighty." So there you have it. Global warming just can't be. The bible tells us so.

When Will I Clot?

I'm sooo cold! I must be internally bleeding.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Crime Wave: It Will Be Televised

The Man says he’s keeping us safe with his surveillance cameras. The Man tells us the cameras will reduce crime. He tells us that because The Man is voyeuristic pervert who wants to watch all that we do. I think the Man gets off on it. Well, I’m here to tell you my brothers and sisters these cameras will not reduce crime. In fact, I contend the placement of surveillance cameras will increase crime.

In the age of “American Idol,” “ Last Comic Standing,” and that show where we choose the next star of Grease the Musical it seems Americans want their "15 minutes" of fame. Americans want their lives validated and for many of them having children just did fulfill them like they hoped. What are these people to do? They could stand in long lines hoping to audition for Simon. But what happens when their audition isn’t aired? Or worse yet, what happens after standing in line for “Last Comic Standing” for twenty hours only to be told to go home before you even get to audition? Americans are not ones to be stopped. We are a crafty lot. We want to be on TV and if that means having to commit crimes in front of surveillance cameras then that’s what we are going to do. Want-to-be comedians will plan a string of robberies, all of which will contain pratt-falls, Village People styled outfits, and cream pies to the face. The Broadway dreamers will plee-aye (I can’t spell French. I’m doing this one phonetically.) from one mugging to the next.

I don’t think our new generation of criminals only consists of those with a reality television dream in their hearts. I think crimes will also be perpetrated by under-funded would-be film makers. Kids who can’t afford digital cameras will turn to surveillance cameras to make their film shorts. These thrifty artists will stage scene after silent scene in front of warehouse garages. Once shooting is complete our auters will break into these warehouses in order to steal the footage. For their sakes they hopefully get caught breaking and entering, which would give them free primetime publicity on the evening news, which would lead to thousands upon thousands of youtube views, which would lead to a deal with HBO.

If you want crime to go down people, take down the Orwellian cameras, it's only going to entice the attention starved populace to commit crimes and get their faces on TV. Save America take down the cameras before your neighborhood is the next one to be victimized by these crazed domestic terrorists.

Monday, February 05, 2007

My Baby Love Love Loves Me

Tonight I'm performing at Minty Fresh's "I Love This Show" at Mo Pitkins 34 Avenue A.

I thought this Jonathan Richman song was an appropriate companion piece to tonight's comedy show.

If you guys get a chance go see this man live. He's not the greatest singer, but his shows are awesome and the perfect anedote for ennui. He has such a good time playing that the audience has a good time. He's funny and his lyrics are simple and sweet but not cloyingly so. Most importantly his words are true. Though some of his fans might be pretentious he is definitely not. Anyway, at least check out this clip.

Heart Pumping

People who know me would never guess that I have very low blood pressure because I'm a very angry and stressed person. Supposedly, these two emotions contibute to high blood pressure which makes me think if I wasn't angry I may have no blood pressure at all. Anger may literally be keeping me alive.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

She's Just Not That Into You (slightly fixed)

I was talking to my best friend Anna yesterday about today's post. When I told her the idea for today she told me, "Rachael, you're so lucky you have your boyfriend Jack. I could never have a blog."
"What? I have no idea what that means."
"Well, if I had a blog I'd probably write about bad dates I had and what not. I'd probably be hyperbolic about it. You know for theatrics? And then who knows. Maybe some dude or dudes who are interested in me would google search my name, find my blog, read the hyperbolic posts, and think I'm a total bitch, or some over emotional non rational feminist. I mean a guy could be interested in me. It's happened before. I'd hate to blow it with my creativity. However, since you have Jack you don't have to worry about how your blog posts might read to possible people who may or may not read it."
"Anna, would you really want to date someone who didn't get your sense of humor? I mean you're a comedian that's what you do."
"No, Rachael. You're the comedian. I'm a folk singer. I'm sincere, earnest, and angry. "
"Well, I think you should post your female version of that stupid book. For all of us single girls who don't have the safety of a relationship."

And without further adieu...

I kind of had a change of heart about that book He's Just Not That Into You. I think it's great for men. Basically, if every woman reads the book then women will know the secret signals of men. If all the women know the secret signals then a man will never again have to send that awkward "I don’t think we should see each other again" email, or make that mendacious phone call, "I think you're great but I'm joining the monastery."

In the words of the Billy Jean--the legend not the Tennis Pro--"Fair is fair." I think men should have a book to read to gain insight into women's secret codes of "She's just not that into you." Until such a book is published the smallhands ick blog will take up the slack. Just send all unwanted gentlemen callers here to be set straight.

Because this isn't a book I will just list some signs that will tell a guy his date isn't into him.

1. If your lady friend suggest that you and she go meet up with her friends in the middle of your 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date she doesn't dig you. Men, do not go meet up with her friends. Pay for your share of the drinks and then conveniently remember you have to go wash your hair.

2. If your lady companion declines your invitation for dinner after you had a couple of drinks she's probably not into you. She's definitely not into you if she declines your dinner invite and the following factors are present: she knows you'll be picking up the tab, she hasn't eaten all day, and she lives below the poverty line. And no she doesn't have an eating disorder. If a girl really likes you she'll go to dinner with you even if she has an eating disorder. She'd be happy to watch you eat while she gnaws a on celery stick and drinks a glass of water with lemon.

3. If every time you tell her "I'm having a nice time," "I'm having a lot of fun, " or "I'm really enjoying hanging out with you" and all she does is nod slightly- hail a cab buddy and say you'd love to stay and chat but your appendix just ruptured.

4. ***This is a special case scenario*** Say you're on a date with a lady who is an artist of some sort. If she tells you you'll never inspire her work she is so not interested she doesn't even find you loathsome enough to bitch about you in her poetry. Further, even if she winds up sort of using you for a piece it's only because you probably did something really really irritating and she was having a slow week.

5. If the girl casually, and without neurosis tells you all about her emotional baggage and why she is bad in relationships she is not bonding with you. She is giving you a chance to run. (*Note: if she does it kind of neurotically she may actually really like you but you might want to reconsider asking her out again--unless you're into that kind of thing--I'm not here to judge--ok I am here to judge.)

6. If while you're meeting up with her friends, because you didn't go wash your hair (like a suggested in sign #1) and your date surreptitiously gives a cute slide flutist her card—you know that cute guy who plays the slide flute? Your date's friend Maggie had engaged the young man in conversation before you two arrived, but Maggie didn't have romantic or sexual intentions toward the flutist, giving your date the green light, because even though your date isn't into you doesn't mean she's some asshole who would block the box (that's the female cock block) of her good friend—the lady isn’t planning on going home with you.
(*Note: this one's tricky. Because if your date is doing something surreptitiously you might not catch it, so how could you know she's not into you? Fair enough. Just keep an eye out for that kind of behavior.)

7. If a girl responds to your post-1st-date follow up email with an email reading, "Thanks for the drinks. I don't think I feel it, though." Leave it at that. Be glad she didn't make up some story about how it's too soon for her to date since her last break-up. Do not bother the girl with an email asking for her to explain what exactly she didn't feel. But if you do and she responds with, "I don't want to have a sexual relationship with you. Neither of us can do anything about that." That's code for she doesn't find you attractive. And even if she's dated boys who might not be described as conventionally attractive. Like, say, they were balding, had blackened teeth and were borderline alcoholics, doesn't mean she's going to like you. There is a pheromone thing involved or that's what people tell themselves in order to sleep at night. Not that you would be privy to pictures of these gentleman callers. But maybe you heard a rumor or are an amazing stalker.
One more thing. If you have forced her to express her lack of attraction for you don't call her uptight. You asked for it. Not being attracted to you doesn't equal uptight. She might be uptight but that's not proof.

That's all I've got for you right now. It's a start. Here's to never having to be upfront with our disinterest in one another. Just read the signs people.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

If You Have to Ask

You know the cliched advice: If you have to ask how much something costs you can't afford it. I think the same is true in dating. If you have to ask if a guy is gay you probably cant' date him.

I guess it would also be true: If you have to ask how much your date costs you can't afford your date either.

A Completely Made Up Joke.

I was reading Mein Kampf last month. I decided to read The Diary of Anne Frank at the same time. This way I'd have both sides of the story. I have to say Hitler has a much better prose style than Anne. But in all fairness Anne was only 13.