People Need Help. Someone Help Them

Why can't someone write a helpful self-help book? Do we really need a book telling women when a man isn't into them? We know you’re not into us. You stop calling. That doesn’t mean we will stop being into you. Do we need a book that that hypothesizes that women and men are from different planets? If men were from Mars and women were from Venus how do they have the correct DNA and chromosome count to mate? It seems scientifically impossible.

No.

What my single friends need is a book that decodes sexual propositions. That’s a useful book. And because it is a useful dating book for both men and women it has not been written. I can not write this book. I am as clueless as the rest of you. I don’t know if “come up for a cup of coffee means” your date wants to have sex with you or if they just want to have a cup of coffee with you. For many people this might not be a problem because most people enjoy coffee. Therefore if you go up for “a cup of coffee” but only get a cup of coffee, at least you got a delicious cup of coffee. I do not enjoy coffee. So if go up for a “cup of coffee” and then only get a cup of coffee, I will be very disappointed. When my date asks me up for a cup a coffee I’d have to reply, “I’m not so much into coffee. Do you have tea or hot chocolate.” How would my date take that? If my date was actually asking for sex would he think I rejected his proposition but really wanted a cup of tea. If there was a reference book all this confusion could be avoided. In all my years on the planet the only thing I know that is code for let’s go up and have sex is, “Hey you want to come over and look at my glow in the dark stars?” This would be a great universal sex proposition line, except that many people don’t know what glow in the dark stars are. (Which is why I’ve included a small picture) If you have to explain to your adult date what this item is I’m sure they’ll think you a freak and will not want to go upstairs with you.

And that’s the other thing, what if you don’t want to have intercourse you just want to make out a little bit. Our mythical reference book should also include specific coded language for those other sexual situations that aren’t going all the way. Like if I responded to your coffee invite with “I’d like tea.” That would mean I want to make out, maybe get partially naked. Or I if I responded with, “Well, do have decaf?” that would mean I’m up for oral but not vaginal. Or say, it’s 4am and you’re fooling around outside your apartment building which is located in a “transitional neighborhood” you want to continue making out but you fear you might get mugged at this hour in the evening. However, you’re not ready to have sex because you just met him 6 hours ago. What do you say? You can’t say all that. It’s like an essay. Talk about killing the mood. Maybe it’d be like “Did you notice the three check cashing places on this block are closed? You want some coffee?” Or what if you just met a fellow and you just got you’re period. There should be a code for that? If you don’t it could go very wrong. “Hey I’d invite you in for coffee but aunt Flo is over?”
“Aunt Flo? I thought your grandmother’s name was Flo?”
“Yeah it is. She named her daughter Flo too, I guess. Who knew you listened to my stories about my family?”
“Oh. I don’t mind having coffee with you and your aunt?”
“You fucking scum bag. My aunt is over 50 years old and she’s my aunt. That’s gross.”
“What? You’re family sounded interesting.”
“Interesting? Maybe you should go Maury Povich.”
“Lady, you’re nuts.”
“Oh cause I have my period I’m emotional. You’re a chauvinist.”
And then nobody gets any. Not only that night but not even four to seven days later.

Yes, we need a book. The book should be required reading for all high school seniors. Single people are flying blind out there. It’s amazing any of them hook-up at all.