Politician Gets Heckled. A Sketch

GRAHAM TILP, a politician, stands at a podium in front of the international press core and some regular people. GRAHAM’s gestures resemble karate moves. At first the gestures are tame but as the speech they become more flagrant. He speaks with a New England dialect.

GRAHAM
Today is the first day of the rest of our nation’s life. We will let the past be our guide as we burst into the future with vigor, patience and fortitude (holding up an index finger). In the few, short weeks since my latest legislative initiative has been enacted we’ve seen great changes. And we can be confident that only more greatness awaits in the coming months and years. We no longer have to bare the stench of Amish smelling people riding on the vehicles that participate in our cities’ public transit systems. Soon our nation will no longer have to endure the surprise disgusting smells wafting by us as we walk the streets looking for prostitutes. Soon Hippies, Homeless, and the hygienically unsound will be de-smelled as we embark on our next phase. (open hands supplicating)

HECKLER
You’re the one who stinks.

GRAHAM
(ignoring heckler)
As I stand in front of you there are government, sponsored scientists working in secret labs around the clock for a cure to lactose intolerance so we can all eat ice cream and pizza in a methane free environment.(punching the air) Also they are finding ways to make gasoline odorless, this way we can burn fossil fuels all we want with out smelling like we are. (punch, upper cut)

HECKLER
You call that a soundbite.

GRAHAM
(ignoring heckler)
I see a day when foreigners such as the sweet smelling Canadians (sidekick) and the inoffensive Fins (palm strike) visit our country without fear. Thus, tourism will boom. And in two years all airports and other ports will have descenting stations for all reeking immigrants and foreign travelers to pass through, so that we can have their discretionary money or labor without alerting our olfactory nerve endings. (double side hand strikes)


HECKLER
Why don’t you smell me?

GRAHAM
(regarding heckler)
Free speech isn’t it marvelous.

HECKLER
That’s your comeback? What a hack. George W. said the same thing a week ago.

GRAHAM
The Constitution does not provide its citizens with the right to terrorize the populace with halitosis. If one wants to express their opinions they’ll need minty, fresh breath.

HECKLER
Say something Political.

GRAHAM
This whole thing is political.

HECKLER
Same something political.
GRAHAM
Did you buy me a drink?

HECKLER
No. You suck.

GRAHAM
Then why the fuck are you talking to me?

HECKLER
Oooooooo.

GRAHAM
I’m sorry my father didn’t rape me as a child so I’m not attracted to you.

HECKLER
Heard it! So Clinton.

GRAHAM
(kind of talking to himself)
God this reminds me of Idaho Falls. What a shithole that room was. I don’t know if this or Alabama was worse.

It was summer, there was no air-conditioning, and I had to give a speech to the Pig Farmer Alliance Group. The odors starting wafting toward me. Surrounding me. My tie getting tighter. The fumes kept coming - grabbing me tighter and tighter. It took all I had to keep from convulsing. And then I go and try my “We’re all Americans” bit to a room full of people who believe they live in a country that’s occupied by the North. After the show these men chased me to my car. I barely escaped a hanging.

HECKLER
Go back to Alabama, corporate mouth piece.

GRAHAM
Did I say that out loud? (beat) Where the hell was I? Minty fresh breath. God, you would think this place would have some sort of security.

HECKLER
You’re the anti-christ of politics. You’re too boring for CSPAN-2.

(Agent Dobbs steps in and removes protestor)

GRAHAM
Seriously, can we do something about… Oh good. OK. Sorry about that folks.
(he stands back at the podium)
Onto the New New York. We will place a big air freshener atop the Empire State building for starters.
(Black Out)