Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I think All You Need is G.E.D.

How stupid is the former General Stanley McCrystal? He was forced to resign because of some stupid shit he said in a magazine. How can he a 4 star general be less intelligent than the basic professional ball player. I mean, Derek Jeter didn't even go to college. You'd never catch him talking shit about the Steinbrenners. Even if George or Hal decided that the NY Yankees would now be playing ball in kilts and eye-patches. All Derek would say, is I'm just trying to go out there and win.

All the general had to say was, "It's a team effort, I couldn't be spending billions of tax dollars without the help of huge, multinational, conglomomorates who make the equipment we use. And let's not forget about the men and women on the field who sacrafice so much. It's not about me and my statistics. It's about winning. We have to take it one day at a time. One game at a time. In the end war is simple. You try to kill the enemy and have them not kill you. I'll know we have succeeded when we are wearing our championship rings."


Oh and I have new election reform. Since waterboarding isn't torture and just a investigative tactic how about we subject all politicians seeking elected office to waterboarding. Then we can question them on what they really believe. Then we'll finally know the truth. It might be slightly unpleasant for those people, but I'm sure they don't like having to go around talking to the unwashed masses, kissing babies, and begging for financing.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Insult. You are the Insult.

The word tourist is frequently used as a slur, such as "You look like a tourist, " or "That venue is touristy," or "Stupid, friggin tourists I hate them!"

I don't know why being a tourist is a negative. Do people really think, "Eww tourist. How stupid you are with your curiosity of foriegn places and love of seeing the world. how gross your desire is of new experiences. Why can't you be more like us who lve here in our stylish, constrictive (and culturally appropriate) clothing that hampers our ability to ambulate. You tourists are such idiots with your needs of maps and having to ask directions can you be any more dumb or dependent? If you were just like us who will live and die in the place we were born you would know your way around and wouldn't have to be lost. And stop taking pictures of random historical things. You're like a child with your excitement. Your awe is over a landmark our teenagers smash beer bottles over. So sad little tourist."

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

This past weekend I watched someone accuse my best friend Anna of hating herself. Man, did she get all up in his grill. "I don't hate myself. I love myself. I'm awesome. I'm actually a sort of genius. No, my friend. I hate life. Life is not showing me the respect that I deserve especially because I'm so awesome. Life continues to suck which is not appropriate for someone such as myself. I am good, life is bad."

If only we all could have that kind of self esteem.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Accountability with An Abacus Is Going to Take Time

Now I hate teachers as much as the next American citizen. Who wouldn’t? We spend 13 years (if you count kindergarten) with these people. And what do they do. They yell at us. They make us sit down. They play favorites; they don't let you chew gum. They call your parents when you defend yourself against their wrath. They suck I get it.

At the same time why are we demanding they be accountable for their job performance. The argument is that rest of us are. Umm. Really? I don't see anyone getting fired at BP or Halliburton, or anyone at the Minerals Management Service. OK the last one wasn't fair those guys are really good at sex and procuring drugs. But how many CEO's have been fired from big investment banks? Like two and they have both been rehired somewhere else in the same industry.

And it's not just rich douche bags who ruin our lives in dramatically catastrophic ways, but it's also the people who ruin our lives one hour at a time. Have you ever bought something at store? Have you ever dealt with the cable company or the phone company?

Let's face it people we all are horrible at our jobs, because just like teaching working sucks. We're not happy to be there we are forced to be there just like we were forced to sit still as children in public school.

All I'm saying is don't let our blind hatred for those tyrants who ruined our youth to have us rewrite the present. No one is accountable for the job results.

Monday, June 14, 2010


Alright. America has an obsesity problem. What to do. Easy make America smaller. The reason our country is fat is because we can be. We have the room to spread out. The Japanese not so much room and therefore they are skinnier and shorter. If we close in the borders of our courntry and make the houses and apartments smaller you'll see the people get smaller. It's the vast room we have here that allows us to be fat. People think those who reside in NYC are skinnier then the rest of the country because they walk. No. They live in tiny tiny apartments. You have to be able to fit into your expensive studio. What's the point of having an apartment if you have to sleep in central park?

Don't worry America diet and exercise is not the answer we all just have to move to rhode island and BAM! Skinniness is ours.

Friday, June 11, 2010

All The Single Ladies.

I finally realized it's hopeless. Sandra Bullock is beautiful and successful. She can't find a decent man. How is someone who hates wearing dresses and make-up, and is just making ends meet, going to meet a winner?

Monday, June 07, 2010

Unemployment is Still Pretty Bad

Here's an economic indicator there are record number of people running for office in NJ. It seems congress's inablity to do anything about the economic crisis is coming home to roost in NJ. Many people who have lost their jobs are having trouble finding new ones. A number of them feel going into politics is the easist solution. Unlike other industries politics doesn't require retraining or any type of new degrees or certificates. All you have to do is get out of the house and collect enough signatures to get your name on the ballot. The best part is the opportunity for exercise and money saved on gas that collecting signatures provides, as the job is best done while walking. Then there is the mental stimulus of creating a web page and coming up with a political platform. Normally the unemployed spend their hours researching job openings and mailing off resumes, interspersed of course with viewing home recordings of cats, all of which can be intellectually tedius and let's face it boring.

Unfortunately, politics is similar to all other industries during this economic downturn congress, the executive branch, and judicial branch aren't hiring more people just different ones. So if an unemployed person does win a seat in congress it means that the guy who had a congress job will soon be on the unemployment line watching cat videos.

Alright employed people also watch cat videos.