Thursday, January 21, 2010

Love in the Time of Playoffs

Yesterday, my mother asked me if I was happy that the Jets were in the playoffs. She said, "I know the Giants are out of it, but the Jets being in it, does that cushion the blow? Are you excited about it." Sports fans know that this is a ridiculous question. But my mother is not a sports fan and I appreciated her trying to relate to her daughter. So I in turn tried to answer the question in terms my mother would understand.

"Mom," I said. "I don't have any problem with the Jets I'm happy for my friends who are Jets fans. But no other team can fill the void the Giants left in me this season by stinking. It's kind of like if you had to marry the butcher instead of Dad. Sure, you know the butcher a little bit and he seems like a nice guy. You have nothing against the butcher, granted you haven't patronized the butcher in 26 years, but that was just because you weren't into buying meat from a specialized meat store anymore. The thing is you would much prefer to marry Dad, who some say you love, Ithink you are one of those people who say you love him, but if Dad had no pass rush and couldn't cover wide recievers or tight ends and therefore wasn't available for marriage, you would marry the butcher, because you are a person who likes the idea of being married. You wouldn't be overjoyed at marrying the butcher, not the butcher's fault you just like Dad better, but Dad couldn't really run the ball so you marry the butcher. That's like Jets. I'll root for them because I'm a person who likes to watch football and pick a side, but I probably won't yell at the TV while I'm watching. And just as if the Butcher left you a couple of years after your marriage you'd probably say, 'Eh, oh well, I guess I'm single again.' I too wouldn't be very upset if the Jets lost this week."

And for the first time mom and I understood each other (except for the part about the wide recievers and pass rush.)

Monday, January 18, 2010

It Goes Against Nature

For years now we've had advocates for the government to step in and allow the most unnatural of institutions. People don't realize how this horrific agenda is ruining lives across the country. Yes, of course I'm writing of schools and teaching.

What could be more unnatural than putting 10-40 children in a room with one adult. No where else do you see this in the primate world. No set of parents have 11 kids of the same age. You might have 11 kids but they're all different ages and you have time to house train each kid individually before the next one comes along. Not so in our schools. There has been a great movement to higher better teachers, to hold teachers accountable for the test results of children. This of course is ridiculous. Perhaps you should higher better students.

Let's break it down this way: What is school? It's a place where children are broken, where they are domesticated. Much the way an animal person might break a wild horse. A child much like a wild horse wants to run about with no regards to others wants or it's own saftey. The last thing a wild horse wants to do is give a human an orderly ride from point A to point B or to plow a field. Just as the last thing a child wants to do is sit in an office all day and enter data. But as a society we need the horse and the child to be able to do both. Fine. But would you give a horse trainer 35 wild horses at once to break in. Of course not. Picture that. Take a moment and really picture one lone horse trainer and 35 wild horses in a fenced in space. AHHHH! Good luck not getting trampled. No picture an adult with 35 wild children. Good luck teacher not climbing to the top of the school and jumping off to your death. Or at least to a broken limb which will allow you to escape to a hospital paid for by your awesome benefits plan.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Making Lemonade Out of Your Lemons

Sadly, another natural disaster has occurred. Thankfully, there are artist throughout NYC producing benefit shows. Sure most people in NYC can simply use their cell phones to text a donation, or go online, or mail a check. But isn't selfish. How are aspiring non-household peformers supposed to promote themselves and network with people higher on the professional ladder (who they've emotionally blackmailed into doing their shows) if we all just anomiously gave. Think about the artists! I of course would love to organize a benefit for Haiti, you know show the world that I really care. Unfortunately, I'm involved in another charitable organization that takes up too much of my time. Perhaps in a few months you all may find it in your hearts to give to it. But in the meantime I understand that Haiti needs your attention. But for future reference please take a look at our video explaining my charitable efforts.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Hey Cuz, You're my Brother

We've all heard two friends execuse their not dating each other with, "He's like a brother to me." or "She's like a sister to me." I've always been suspicious of this execuse. I feel that's code for we're desperately in love with each other and we're fearful of those feelings. Or one party is in love with the other and to save the friendship we replace, "The idea of me having sex with you makes me want to vomit." to "You're like a brother to me."

I have had many male friends. I have never loved any of them like a brother. However, I have had loved some of them like a cousin. The thought of sleeping with them never really occurred to me, but if my situation got desperate I'm sure my parents would try to arrange for me to marry one of them.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Best and The Brightest

So the bankers are now testifying infront of congress and are treating congress like their simpletons who can't understand how investment banking works. Bankers have this attitude because they believe they are the best and brightest. I now have a story to shed some light on who these bankers really are.

In my public high school there was a student I will refer to as EW (no he wasn't the magazine Entertainment Weekly). EW was in all the honor and AP classes. He wasn't a stupid kid but he was also a cheat. We, his fellow students, knew it. Some of us were enablers of his cheating and others of us remained silent. His cheating got him into a good college, a college that sends many of it's graduates into the Investment Banking business. I see no reason to believe that he stopped cheating in college or in his banking career. (Alright I don't know if he became a banker but he could of. I couldn't find him on the facebook to verify his career.) My point is banks aren't necessarily recruiting the smartest people, but the people who have cheated to have a transcript that looks like they're bright. And if they have no problem cheating in school why wouldn't they cheat regulators, and the American people.

Oh and by the way. The kids who earned their grades and didn't let EW cheat off of them they went into research science and non-profit development.

Stop being so defensive you bankers, maybe you're not so smart you're just thiefs, liars, and cheats.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I'm on a Roll of Genius

Hey all just wanted to let all you social climbers and fame seekers to know that I have a knew job. I'm a dialect coach on hollywood movies shot here in the New York City area. I'm in constant contact with A list celebrities who need to do Brooklyn dialects, Jersey Dialects, and Irish accents. You name it I coach it.

You don't believe me? Just ask me how do any accent or dialect and I'll direct your soft pallet. See I know what the soft pallet is how could I be lying. Now if you want to get in on my connections you need to help me out. Put me on your comedy show and whatever else I find useful. We can use each other.

Now remember if you're doing a New Yorker it's all abou the shwah.

Friday, January 08, 2010

dont stand on ceremony

I have two roommates. One happens to be my boyfriend. My boyfriend's mother died recently. Don't be sad death is part of life and we really don't have time right now for your sorrow. My other roommate, whom I do not date, said, when asked if he were attending the funeral, "I wasn't invited." Uh. One does not get invited to a funeral. You hear about through the grape vine and then decide attend it not attend. There id no funeral evite or Facebook event page. I wasn't invited to the funeral and I sleep with the next of kin and yet I'm obligated to go. So, roommie, just go bring your awkwardness, but don't bring a six pack of cheap beer. Save that for a party or an Irish wake.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Freedom and Sacrafice

Do you believe in freedom? Do you believe in democracy? Do you believe that those who fought for our military, the men and women who died for our freedom, are heroes? Then how dare you be complicit in accepting the greater treading on your freedoms and autonomy.

There are people out in the world who like to see us harmed. Some say it's because they are jealous that we are free. I say they are jealous of our wealth and mad about some horrible shit our country may or may not have been involved in in foreign land. Either way these people hate us and want us to suffer. Even if they don't succeed in creating a gruesome body count they are still succeeding in changing us and how our lives are lived.

There are people in the US who like to compare the current president to Hitler, or Stalin. They say he's a communist or a fascist. Really? Do you know what the ruling parties in those regimes did? They monitored their citizens. They tapped their phones, bugged their houses, and searched them at will. The current Chinese government monitors what their people read on the internet among many other human and civil rights violations. Is that how you want to live? Do you want to give up more rights like being patted down (touched by a stranger) or have your whole body scanned by a computer who knows where that digital image will be stored and what it will be used for in the future. Maybe nothing, maybe some ad company will get it's hands on it use it to better sell me product. Who knows, but it's my body and I have done nothing wrong. All I want to do is use modern technology to get to a far away place in a quick amount of time.

I'm scared of dying I don't want to do it. But giving up my rights of my body will not guaranty my safety. Life is risk. We choose to take and avoid different risks everyday. Perhaps the people who are scared are the ones who shouldn't fly or go to the football game etc. As opposed to the ones who don't want to be violated by their own governments dictates.

It is said that freedom isn't free. Meaning freedom has a cost. Well, if we aren't willing to pay for it in higher taxes to support two wars, and if we aren't willing to pay for it by allowing a draft, then maybe we can pay for it in fear. Fear of the unknown of what our future may hold. That we are different from those who mean to do us harm because we don't believe the ruler of a nation has absolute rights over its people. And we are just like those throughout our country's short history from the revolutionary war to the present ones we the people are willing to risk dying to remain free.

Just a side note. Have you seen the people who work for airport security? Many I'm guessing do not have a high school diploma and don't get paid very much money. If we were at all serious about airport security perhaps we hire some the recently, laid-off best and the brightest and not pay them anymore. Instead their incentive would be to put someone else's well being ahead of their own for once.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Slashed Prices

The United State of America has hit some hard times. Many of it's citizen's are out of work, the country on as a whole has mounting debt. Killer, crushing debt and a brand name that boils the blood of many at it's mention. What to do?

Luckily I have a solution. Let's go out of business. Just as so many debt ridden institutions have done before us. We'll hold a fire sale selling many of our assets like Citi Bank stock. Let's see how those losers fare when they're being run by crazy, Russian Oligarchs. We'll disband and out of the ashes we'll come a new democratic nation, The United Regions Near the Former New Jersey (URNFNJ for short).

This going out of business idea not only solves our debt problem. It also solves our terrorist problem.

"I'm going to destroy the United States."

"Well, crazy terrorist, that seems unfair what did Mexico every do to you."

"Not Mexico, you rube, USA."

"I'm the rube? Well, sonny boy, the USA went our of business they no longer exist."


"Dude, you don't believe me just ask China."


"Yeah, they're not doing so well, now that the USA went our business. They got left holding all these promissary notes. Ooops."

"Ahh! What is the purpose of my death? The USA has done it again!"

"Maybe you should try living. How about start on reforesting the dessert."

"Whatever. Maybe I'll go blow up China."

"Hey, whatever floats your boat."

Long live the United Regions of Near the Former New Jersey!

U - R- N- F- N- J U - R- N- F- N- J U - R- N- F- N- J U - R- N- F- N- J


Monday, January 04, 2010

Regressing back to Two Years of Age

There are a couple of popular books out there right now. How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty and The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say No and Mean It and Stop People Pleasing.

Uh Oh! I think us self-centered takers are in a little bit of trouble. The givers are getting pissed, they feel tread upon, and they're buying self-help books. Next thing you know they're going to be as unhelpful as the rest of us. That is not good. If they start saying no, who is going to give us rides anywhere? Who is going lend us money? Come to our shows? Watch our kids for free? Listen to our problems? Ahhhhh!

Drastic measures might have to be taken. We might have to start saying, "Yes" even, (gasp) when it's inconvenient to us. You know these suckers who are so giving and self-sacrificing don't do it to give anything back. These fools think that what we were taught as children about cooperating and being nice and helping a friend or family member when you can, they think that bullshit is all true. So color them so surprised when all of sudden they find themselves in need of help and all the people they did a favor for here and there along the way, don't have time to help. I can only imagine they feel a little despondent and unloved. The more times we all say, "No" to them the more it grates until they feel foolish and start buying stupid books.

So here's the plan. To keep our mothers and needy friends to keep holding our hair from falling into the toilet when we've imbibed too much we need to say "yes" a couple of times a year when they ask, otherwise, the jig is up, we'll have to actually start paying people to do shit for us like socialize and hang out.

Sunday, January 03, 2010


Burger King now offers funnel cake sticks. Why is Burger King trying to kill us all?

Meanwhile the new Hundyai commercials that express how, "we're all in this [recession] together" nearly brought me to tears. I think I must be pre-menstrual.