Monday, May 18, 2009
Saturday I headed up to Connecticut to help celebrate my first cousin’s once removed 1st birthday. Some suggested I write about my 1st cousins' (never removed) drunken, karaoke shenanigans at the party. However, that suggestion was made prior to my own sober, karaoke spectacle. Since I don't know what humiliating, digital video lay in the wings (if any) I'll refrain from commenting on that part of Saturday. At least until I can remember the witty and caustic comments I made at the table while my cousins were singing. It seems my family is trained in the arts of FBI interrogation techniques. At some point at the after-party Saturday night I was tricked into divulging my diet secret. I might as well share it with you now, seeing is it's out of the bag and who knows whom my aunt and uncle will sell my secret to. I figure publicizing the diet will decrease the amount of money they can get for it on the black market. I don't know exactly the order of events. But here is how my own family members betrayed me as best as I can remember. As we all sat in the living room of my cousin's house on very comfortable couches, me with a glass of wine in my hand. How that wine came into my possession I can't say, perhaps my cousin-in-law poured it for me in another room, perhaps there was no wine at all and the wine memory was planted there by family members after the interrogation to discredit me later. The Yankee's game was on the television, which I found strange as I remember listening to the same game earlier that day on the drive up to Connecticut. Did they tape the game and then replay it in hopes to disorient me? I can't say for sure. I did attempt to lure some of the family into wagers with me about the game, (as I was pretty certain of the out come varying plays and pitches) however, no one took the bait. They are sly. At some point in the night a voice asked me, "Well how do you stay so thin?" I answered cautiously trying not to reveal too much, "Poverty." Another voice challenged me, "Well, that's not necessarily true, they've found poverty can actually lead to obesity." And before I knew what happened I heard myself saying, "Yeah, but I'm smart and spend half my money on things like pricey grass fed beef and then just ration out a few bites a day." Dag nab it! They got it out of me. Someone. Urg! Foiled yet again by these rascally Italian-Jews.