"Rationalization is More Important Than Sex" -- The Big Chill
Many years ago I dated Jabba the Hut. OK that is not true. However, for the purposes of this blog the boy I did date many years ago will be refered to as Jabba not to protect the the boy but to protect me. It is far less embarasssing to admit to dating a movie star, however grotesque, than to admit to my actual choice. And that is the point of today's post.
Monday I was performing at an ill attended show on the East side of Manhattan. I had just completed my set when the very inebriated host took back the stage and annouced I slept with Jabba. Thankfully, the audience had no idea who the host was talking about, but my colleagues did. Oh the humilation. During the rest of the show I was whispering rationalizations and execuses to the other comics. "It was so many years ago. He was a lot thinner. And taller a good 5 inches taller, weird how a 30 something can shrink like that. I was going through a real tough time, I just got divorced I still wasn't off the heroin, coke, meth, and LSD." You know you've made a mistake when you've rather be known as a divorced recovering drug fiend (none of which is true) than admitting you dated Jabba. I continued, "And it was before he had that horrible accident that imparted irreprabable brain damage. Back when we were dating he was a totally different person, such a sweet personality, charming, not awkward or hateful at all. It's sad what happened to him after that accident. What? What was the accident? Uh...umm. He got caught in a subway door. He was holding up the train and a little old lady starting beating him with an umbrella in hopes he'd get out of the door. Because he was so much taller then the little all lady had to jump up to reach his head. The extra force of her coming down jarred his brain. I know so horrible."
Comments
Anonymous #1, you are right that it was nice of all the men who I've slept with to give the gift of themselves. Proof that most of us aren't all bad.
Anonymous #2,
I don't recall emailing, snail mailing or telephoning this post to anyone, so how would this get back to a person. In fact I don't know how you have figured this post is about an actual person. I've claimed to have dated Gabriel Byrne on this blog. I have told fantastical stories about my adventures with my boyfriend Jack and best friend Anna on this blog.
Why someone would read this and assume that it is about him, no age, no hair color, no real name, no date of birth, no mailing address, no true specifics were given. All we know is that this man has been ill tempered toward people and to admit to dating him is embarassing. I wrote that this dude shrank five inches in height in less than a decade. Really? Besides Hulk Hogan I can't think of anyone else this has happened to. I know the elderly shrink, I'm sorry if you thought I was writing about your grandfather, or about you. We also know this dude gained weight. Great, so has almost everyone since high school. Myself included.
I don't know why anyone would want to leap to the conclusion that this is about him, and then ask others to read it. Perhaps some like pity. But would you have ever read this if not directed to do so?