Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Morning After Blog Substitute #4 (I think)

If you'd like to know what the hell the Morning After Blog Substitute is click on the label at the bottom of this post. I'm temping today and they are actually making me do work,--the nerve--so I don't have time to take passive agressive shots at Dan Dude and Matilda (who rumor has it has gone nuts and fled the city.)

Today's letter seeking advice:

Howdy Dan Dude and Matilda:

I need your'll's help desperately. I can't talk to the folks around here. They are all so full of judgement. You can't ask anyone for sex advice. They think that if a person isn't haven't amazing sex everytime he/she has it then there is something wrong with you. I know that can't be true. Or is it true and there is something terribly wrong with me? Gosh. Sex and The City is just a television program. And I'll tell you what, I don't like them cosmos I prefer a low calorie beer or a shot of tequilla. Nothing wrong with cosmos I just don't care for'em and I don't that all the single New York women care for'em.

Anyhoo, you see I have gotten myself in a pickle a couple of times bringing men back to my place. One time I met a man at a bar in town and escorted me back to my place. Then he put the moves on me out infront of my domicile. That was fine, but then I got to thinking what if there's a serial killer on the loose or a coyote roaming around. I didn't want to stop making out, but I didn't want to die by a coyote or serial killer attack. I invited the man upstairs. He thought that meant sex and then I had to tell him while we were half naked that I didn't want to have sex.

Another time I was watching a movie with a gentleman acquantance of mine in my place. Well, then next thing you know we're making out. Now, this was around 3:30am or so. And after a few minutes I suggested we go to my room because we were on the coach in the living room, and well my roommate tends to get up in around 4am to use the bathroom. His bedroom is off the living room. I didn't want an awkward situation with the roommie and his prostate making him pee in the middle of the night. When we got to my bedroom things progressed rather quickly and he thought I wanted to have sex.

Can't a girl make-out in her bedroom anymore?

Sincerely,

Where's the foreplay.

Dear Foreplay:

Thanks for your letter. You're problem is a common one and your friends have shitty sex too, don't worry about that.

I know it seems like a mood killer to bring up your motivation for why you want to move it to a new locale, but you should. A simple, "Let's go upstairs so we don't get mauled by a coyote or stabbed by psychopath while me make-out (or fool around, whatever your regional lingo is)." Or, try, "Hey my roommate is probably going to journey to the bathroom soon, let's move this party out of sight."
You see, people want to think you're thinking what they're thinking because they really want what they want. There is no way around it. You're going to have to tell your partner explicity what you are thinking but with a smile on your face and a fun sense of play in your voice.

Now, I'd like to get on my high horse and say, the reason you probably aren't saying all that needs to be said is because you're too tired to. 3:30am. That's late. I'm a big believer in no sex after midnight. Just like some people trying to lose weight stop eating after 7pm. When I say I'm a big believer I mean it's something I just came up with a couple of days ago after reading a bunch of these seeking advice letters. People's vagina's are tired late at night. And in your case so is your will to communicate clearly. Have a few kisses then turn over and rest up so you can have energetic fully communicative sex in the morning or the next evening when you're ready to get it on well before the break-of dawn.

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