Monday, February 14, 2011

More Stupid Questions from HR

"What do You Want Me to Say?" a play in one act or one blog post.

Setting:
A conference room on the 21st floor of a Manhattan office building. Present day

Cast of Characters:
ME, 33 year old former theatre student and sometimes comedian with a wealth of administrative and executive assistant experience
HR CHICK, 20 something blonde (fake or real) she is perky and full of judgement.

HR CHICK: So are you comfortable with Word, Excel and Powerpoint?

ME: Yes. I feel like every job I have had-- with all those other financial companies listed on my resume in front of you-- I learn even more more and more especially about excel. I'll admit that my visual skills aren't the greatest but I can do powerpoint.

HR CHICK: And you really want to be an administrative assistant?

(lighting change to special above ME dark on the rest of the scene)

ME (aside to audience): What? Is she serious? Who grows up dreaming of administrative work? It says I have BFA in theater on that resume. Clearly, I chose theater because I wanted to either wait tables, bartend, or be a secretary. Actually, what I really wanted to do with my life is work in a coal mine. But there isn't much coal work in NYC these days. I figured the next closest thing was answering phones and scheduling meetings in a cube. Does she think this is 1920 and as a woman I just want a job that isn't in embroidery. I'll prove my independence and self worth. 'If I'm going to take care of a man for the rest of my life I'm going to get paid for it, gosh darn it. Go Rosie the Rivetter even if you're after my time.'

(lights go back to full)

ME (To HR): Yes, definitely want to be an administrative assistant. I love organizing, putting things in order, making schedules. This is where my strengths lie.

HR CHICK: Oh great. Yes, and just to let you know there will be a background check, a drug test and a credit check.

ME: Oh great. I'm glad you guys are so thorough. Good to know I won't be working alongside any car thieves or pot heads. I think it's very important that one's employer keeps tabs on their employees' private lives away from work. We can't have middle class people, which if I get this job I think I might actually be, galavanting around the city running their own lives after hours. That's just ridiculous. Look at me. I clearly wanted to be an administrative assistant since I'm a little girl, but left to my own, stupid devices I went and studied performing arts at an accredited (granted just barely) four year college in Boston. Instead of going to Berkley School of Business, a two year school in my home state of NJ. If only I worked for you guys when I was 17 think about how much...well not better... that's not the word...what's the word? More efficient, yeah more efficient my life would have been.

HR CHICK: Hmm. I don't know...hmm...I don't know that's why we do it. Umm. What?

ME: Well, then I take it back. Whatever the right answer is that's what I want to say. I like paying my rent and health insurance sounds pretty great.

HR CHICK: No. Wait, don't you have passion for working at this particular company?

ME: Of course I read all about you online. You guys manage wealthy people's money and facilitate mergers and acquisitions. It's amazing work. I believe that Goldman Sachs said it was god's work, and though I respect Goldman Sachs I much prefer to work with a company that is a little less well known like yours. I do love indie Rock and you guys are like an indie rock financial firm.

HR CHICK: No. That's not right. We are well known and respected in the industry.

ME: Yes of course a critics favorite. Like Vampire Weekend, they are well known and very well respected, but not as well known as say Metallica or Taylor Swift but Vampire Weekend gets way better press than those two bands.

HR CHICK: Yeah, OK well thank you for coming.

ME: Well, thank you for having me come in. Thank you for barely asking me anything about my experience or my actual skills. That's so predictable at an interview. You guys are mavericks, in the most conservative sense.

curtain



No comments: