Thursday, October 29, 2009

Halloween

Halloween is almost upon us. What to wear? I think I'll go as a werewolf. All I have to do is let my beard grow in.

Monday, October 19, 2009

New Career: Campaign Manager

If I was running Chris Dagget (NJ candidate for governor) this is the campaign slogan I would choose for him, "Chris Dagget 33% less corruption than other candidates." Let's face it, folks NJ is a pretty corrupt place and your never going to get any candidate who has raised enough money to get ads on TV in the New York City metro market to be 100% clean, but the voter will save tax money on a guy who is less corrupt than the other people running. How can Chris Dagget not be less corrupt than a former Goldman Sachs employee, John Corzine, all they do is cheat taxpayers and pension funds out of money and Chris Christie, a former US attorney, who only prosecuted cases that were politically expediante.

"Chris Dagget, he's no George Washington, but at least he isn't an investment banker."

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Economic Indicators

The economy has gotten so bad it has a taken a toll on my dreaming life.
Last night I dreamt on a 2 for 1 sale on deordant. Only to find out that there were none left. A few night before that I dreamt I was at an open mic in a tea shop and I was trying to hide from the owner who was pressuring people to buy tea. I woke up before my set. Luckily, I also woke up before I had to buy a tea. I don't need to owe a dream tea shop owner money, those women will haunt you.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

We Don't Need Homeland Security

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a cautious person. I have to be because I pay attention to what others ignore. I know that death is around every corner and that three deadbolts on my front door is not nearly enough to keep the killers at bay. That's why I am embarking on the "Dolphin Project."

For those that don't know dolphins avoid drowning during sleep by only sleeping half their brain at a time. One hemisphere is a sleep while the other keeps the water mammal breathing oxygen from the air. I too would like to avoid death while I sleep. This is why I keep a big stick next to my bed. But what good is a big stick that isn't used in a moment of crisis due to a sleeping victim? My new goal is to be the first human to sleep half a brain hemisphere at time.

Criminals beware!

Monday, October 12, 2009

There is a Future for Some

There are people out there, including Ross something or other from the NY Times, asking Obama not to accept the Nobel Peace Prize. I say these people are selfish and idiotic. They reason that Obama should accept the award because he did nothing to earn it. So what? As if these columnists and pundits earned their jobs. Most of them I'm sure knew a guy who knew a guy.

Meanwhile, one day Obama won't be President anymore. He's going to go out there and have to find a job. And if things don't change with the job market by the time he leaves office he's going to find that jobs are hard to nab. He's got to start padding his resume now. If he rebukes the Nobel Prize than he can't put it on his resume. The Nobel Prize could be the item that puts him over the top for a job in the future, especially, if he and Bill Clinton are competing for the same position. While rejecting the award shows Obama as "Not a team player." How many people find employment by declaring at the interview, "Yeah, I'm a loner. I like it if people leave me alone. If you have a task for me please send request via email or if you must inter-office mail, but make sure the inter office envelope is delivered after 5pm when I'm sure not to be there. Yes, that's right I leave at 5pm on the dot every workday. I don't get paid to stay later."

All I'm saying is that as medicine advances keeping people former presidents alive longer, and as democracy spreads creating more former Prime Ministers and Presidents the competition for jobs for these politicians is fierce and Nobel prize could make all the difference for Obama in 3-7 years.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Stop Crime! Raise Revenue! I Should Run For Office!

If you haven't gotten a traffic violations ticket through the mail you probably don't drive. Or, you are actually a good driver. Or ,you're really smart and have developed a device (that I'm sure Batman has on his car) that covers you're license plate as you drive through intersections. Or, you live somewhere where they haven't installed the cameras-like Kansas or Tennessee. (You, know someplace where the government has decided to first send the swine flu virus vaccination just in case it doesn't work or worse kills people. These places don't have traffic cameras that could record the carnage the vaccine has racked on the population as the suddenly unconscious drivers crash.)

The traffic cameras are great. They are supposed to prevent traffic violations and give tickets to people they can't fight (even if they were not driving the car) which raises revenue for the state or city without politicians having to raise taxes. You'll also notice that cops country wide of placed surveillance cameras about towns to capture criminal acts on film. Granted not much revenue is garnered from these other cameras but we're catching criminals making the streets safer. The problem with these cameras is we, the general non-crime committing public, don't have access to the footage of ourselves captured, so we can't upload it to our Facebook profile. Maybe one day that will be rectified.

But here's my proposal. Since most crimes happen in corporate offices and big bank offices, why not set up cameras in these offices. I know most cities and states are broke so we'll just take the cameras from the streets and put them in bank offices and coal companies offices, and Monsanto offices, etc. and every time they violate a law we'll send them a ticket that requires them to pay a fine every time they insider trade or send oil prices sky high with speculation, or dump waste into our water. We don't like putting these people in jail anyway, so we'll fine them. The money raised will go to paying off China. Or whatever. We're a democracy we should vote on what we want to do with our new wealth. Maybe big screen televisions for everyone. We'll have to talk about it.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

The Coin Toss

We as a nation are four weeks into football season. Football is tied with foliage as my favorite part of fall. However, I think this last month I might have gotten a little too into football. These last couple of weeks I have running play by play commentating going on in my head as I live my life.

For intance I'll be cooking dinner and I'll hear Bob Papa and Carl Banks (the radio broadcasters for Giants games) in my head doing the play by play of my cooking.

BOB: Hi and welcome to another evening of Rachael cooking dinner. With me as always is Carl Banks.

CARL: Thanks, Bob.

BOB: Now it is a little warm today, almost like an indian summer in the kitchen. It's not the best conditions for turning the oven on.

CARL: No, it's not, Bob. Not only is it warm out but Rachael lives on the sixth floor of a brick building there is no escaping the heat when you play on the top floor or Brooklyn apartment building.

BOB: Well, we'll see how she handles the heat. And we're about to begin. She's starting off slowly here, picking the basil off her house plants in the window.

CARL: Now, that's a smart move, summer is coming to an end. She'll have less and less daylight for her basil plants, she might as well use the basil before it dies for the winter.

BOB: Wow, she's picking a bunch of basil, that looks like two cups full.

CARL: Bob, I wouldn't be surprised if she made a pesto sauce, especially in these warm conditions, you don't have to put the oven on or the stove. It's a wise move, though she doesn't have a lot of experience making the pesto.

BOB: She's gone to the cupbard taking out the pine nuts. Yes! You're right it looks like she will be making pesto. I agree with you Carl, it is a good play call considering the conditions, but is it risky? She doesn't have a lot of experience making pesto, it's getting late, if she screws it up then what? Does she punt and go by jerk chicken down the street. I don't think she wants to settle for the jerk chicken when she has already purchased ingredients here.

CARL: You're right, but let me tell you having been someone who has cooked dinner in the New York area pesto is not a complicated dish. It's pretty simple and Rachael here isn't a rookie. Yes, she doesn't have experience with pesto but this is her 5th season cooking in Brooklyn. And before that she spent 3 years cooking in Portland. I think she knows her way around the kitchen. If this were gazpacho she was trying for the first time I'd be more concerned.

BOB: Alright now she's into the fridge. She grabs the parmsean, closes the door with her foot as she reaches with her left hand to grab cheese grater.

CARL: Yeah, she's having fun out there. She knows her kitchen pretty well at this point, having moved in 6 months ago. And this kitchen allows you to have fun. Her old place was kind of falling apart.

BOB: She's grating the cheese. Oh no. She stopped. It doesn't look like she's putting in the full amount the recipe calls for. She's putting the parmsean back in the fridge.

CARL: I don't know that this is a good idea on her part, Bob. She's going to have to compensate by adding more salt at the end.

BOB: She gets out her mini-food processor. "Do you need a food processor try Cuisi-nart for all your kitchen needs" She puts in the basil. Grind. She puts in the pine nuts, grind, now the oil, grind grind grind. Now the cheese. Gee, Carl, that does not look like enough cheese at all.

CARL: Yeah, Bob, it's fine to deviate off the recipe once you're really experienced making a dish but when it's only your first or second time you have to follow your recipe. I think she might not make it in the endzone here and have to settle for a field goal attempt of Jerk Chicken. And you know, Bob the jerk chicken is no guarantee. Does she have the money? When she gets there will they serve her? Sometimes they don't serve everyone in a timely fashion. Will she get hit by a car before she even gets to the store. These are things that are at stake.

BOB: You know you're right, Carl. I didn't even think of that. The jerk chicken isnt'a sure thing.

skip ahead to after water boils.

BOB: She drains the pasta which is a capellini.

CARL: Capellini is a good call, again it's warm in here, capellini is a very thin pasta so it won't take that long to cook keeping the time the stove is on to a minimum.

BOB: She stirs up the pesto with the fork now pours it over the pasta, she tastes it. She gets up gets some salt. Adds the salt. Success! Touchdown! Rachael Parenta.

CARL: That's the thing that 7 years of apartment cooking gets you. You can audible on a recipe you really haven't made before. She can get up to the blender see her situation and say, "eh I don't really love cheese" and adjust the recipe on the fly. A rookie cook probably would have screwed that up. There was a moment of panic there but she pulled it out. But that's what winners do they find a way to win dinner.

BOB: Well, that does for me and Carl join us next week when Rachael takes on making chili with completely grass fed meet. Until then I'm Bob Papa saying good night for me and Carl Banks.